Night at the Kriegsmuseum part 3

The first page of the notebook contains a foreword.
Hello Anon, if you are reading this it means I am no longer guard of museum. why? I don’t know maybe I am run over by tank or stabbed by knight, maybe something less exciting. But I have been of make arrangements for you to take empty guard place. Also if you are of reading this you will have met T-34, and probably ran away like little girl. Do not be afraid, all the exhibits are like that. they are called Waffengiests. you may ask ‘but Ivan that is of german’ and I say yes because many many germans in Kubinka and Russians could not care to make better name. Anyway this book will help you not get killed or injured while guarding, so be careful reading and do not lose book.
The next page says ‘chapter 1: how not to be kill’. I probably should have read this much earlier. Though why didn’t T-34 give this to me herself?
I turn the page.
You are probably of many worry, crying ‘Ivan! Am stuck in big building with living weapons, what do?’ well, I can tell you how not be kill by waffengeist. I will begin by telling you what will make them want to kill you, or at least beat you to pulp.
It is very obvious what can get waffengeist angry from what weapon she is.  Heavy tanks are very sensitive about weight, carbines do not like being compared to sister rifles for height. I am sure you get picture.
The homeland of waffengeist also matters very much, I once was humming American ‘Dixie land’ and was almost impale by Union geist bayonet. This too should be obvious, germans do not like result of world wars, English knight giest will impale you if mention loss in hundred year war.
Now that you are not going to be kill by waffengeist, I can tell you of waffengeist herself.
Chapter 2: Waffengeist
Waffengiest’s appearance is influence by what weapon she is and what parts that weapon have. Because T-34 is standing behind be right now I will begin explain with tank geists. Tank geists have three forms unlike the usual two. They have tank, knight and girl. Tank is simple, is tank. They have full control over entire tank, including guns. Do not be of worry the guns do not shoot real bullet or shell, instead they have what I call ‘ghost bullet’ they do not cause damage to you or building or each other, but it still hurt like real thing so still be careful. If you are think of how that works, don’t bother, even geist cannot tell me. Then they have knight form, where armour from tank is translated to armour for giest in human form. They also have weapon from tank in knight form, also translated to something usable by human hands, like T-34’s 76mm f-34 turns into big bolt action rifle that has no internal magazine. Last is girl form, they usually wear uniform of army they used to belong to. Most interesting about this form is how tank form influences her appearance. I make list now that T-34 has wandered off
Size of tank = height of girl. tankette is short, King Tiger is tall
Calibre of gun = physical strength of girl. 20mm panzer II not very strong, 600mm Karl Gerat can lift small trucks.
Quality/ upgraded optics for commander/gunner = glasses for girl. Churchill has a monocle.
Paint = type of uniform. It make different camouflage
That is all I can think of now, T-34 has returned and I cannot say more detail without getting punched.  Rule is similar for other waffengeist, gun, aircraft. They also have ghost bullet. But be very careful around medieval waffengeist, she does not have strange plot device to allow discharge of weapon and will still stab you all the same.
Although they may seem scary from all this information, treat waffengeist with respect and love, and she will give you same. I hope you make worthy replacement, good luck comrade and have many good time!
I flip through the remaining pages, mostly poorly drawn diagrams and shopping lists. I slowly rise from my chair, placing the beaten book onto the desk. I should probably go and meet a few of the giests. I swing open the door to find my view of the outside blocked. A wall of green material stands in my view of the rest of the world. “privyet Anon” a voice from above me states. The waffengiest stands a half head taller than me and has ‘T-34’ stitched onto her officer’s jacket.
“H-hello there”
“You come with me” she says in that same flat tone.
She spins in place and marches away. I process my options for a second before running after the rapidly escaping medium tank. All attempts to communicate with the Russian are met with silence, so I end up just speed walking beside her, attracting the attention of the waffengeists gathered around in the place. I notice that that there are still a large number of tanks remaining in their usual positions, with groups of waffengeists sitting on or around them. we take a few turns through the maze of tanks. Eventually we reach a table with a few geists in various officer uniforms gathered around it.
“I have retrieved new guard” says T-34
The officer waffengeists turn from their meeting, looking me over. After a few seconds of this, a voice from the other side of the table speaks up.
“What are you waiting for? Get over here!”
The gathering parts, allowing T-34 and I to take a place at the table, which reveals itself to be a sign with the map of museum propped up on a number of shell casings.
“Welcome” says the voice again, emanating from a girl on the far side of the table. Her British officer hat struggles to make it’s wearer just a little taller. I guess she must be a light tank.
“alright let’s begin by introducing ourselves”
The short girl introduces herself as Churchhill, the rest of the table sounds off. Crusader, standing just above Churchill in height, is constantly tapping her foot and looking all around the room. She must have ADHD for tanks. M3 Lee, is about the average height for a waffengeist and has brown eyes. Eyes which are pointed in opposite directions, at both Churchill and I. Next is M4 Sherman, who looks exactly like a tank given human form, basically a female Arnold Schwarzenegger. T-28 has long brown hair and two small machine gun turrets fixed to her shoulders that seem worryingly interested in me. B1-bis is taller and stronger looking than the rest of the geists and like Lee, her eyes can work independently. With introductions out of the way, Churchill resumes the meeting. On the allied sector on the museum map there are a number of plastic models. The giests all stare at them like an unsolvable maths problem. One by one each try to move the models around before being called idiots by the others and the models replaced to their original position. I observe the strange practice for a time, until watching Lee’s eyes rolling around the field gets old. Which is pretty fucking quick, shit’s downright unsettling.
“what exactly are you doing?”
Churchill gets a smug look on her face.
“well if you must know, we’re devising a strategy to stick it to Jerry once and for all!”
notinmymusuem.jpg
“do you need to? I mean the war’s over, can’t you just get along?”
“Never! I’ll exact my vengeance on the krauts if it’s the last thing I do!” she slams her fist on the table, sending the models bouncing across the table. The other geists scramble to reset the models.
This line might have been threatening, had it not been delivered by a girl who is as tall as me only by merit of her hat.
“besides we need to get through them to get to our infantry group” Churchill points to the firearm section.
Though they should know that you can go around through the medieval section. Right? Surely the tanks know at least that.
“what about through this way?” I trace the path through the medieval section. They all get dark looks on their faces.
“Nyet!” T-28 cries out “crazy metal sticks put my turrets in thumbscrews!”
Churchill claws at her hair, sharing in the flashbacks “How the hell’d they get a stretching rack to work in REVERSE!”
“they made fun of my eyes!” Lee exclaims.
M4 clears her throat
“Anyway, we’ve decided that we’d rather get used as hard targets than go there again”
The gathered tanks nod in agreement. Churchill stops mourning her lost height and regains control of the situation.
“And that’s leaves us in our battle wit-“
A bell rings, echoing through the museum. I check my watch, yep almost opening time, looks like my job here is done. Time really flies when you’re dealing with living weapons. Churchill looks irritated and mutters “bugger, we never get any bloody thing done. Well, see you tomorrow night, good sir”. The waffengeists return to their places and line up in their tank forms. I make my way back to the office. I take ivan’s guidebook from the office and exit the building. The dawn sun lights up the landscape outside. I take a moment to process exactly what went on tonight, and how much more interesting my life is going to get.