Oregairu Volume 14 - Chapter 7, Last Part

Some time had passed after the discussion in the reception room.

Once we finished our debate on our plans going forward, it was already starting to darken outside. I walked to the bike area from the school building with an unsteady footing, a consequence from being extremely tense and exhausted.

Regardless, I managed to make it to the school gate, bike in tow. And there, I spotted Yukinoshita staggering her way out ahead of me.

Her pacing appeared heavy, she hesitantly walked back and forth, fiddling with her coat and muffler. It was a farcry from her usual gallant behavior, and it was only a matter of time until I caught up to her, even as I pushed my bike along.

I couldn't quite get myself to just go past and leave, or be on my way with a simple goodbye. It just didn't feel right. I pondered what choice of words I could use to greet her, but even then, I certainly didn't want to end it on so few words.

Still, I kept thinking how to approach her, and continued to observe her.

I slowly pushed my bike along, and walked alongside Yukinoshita.

Yukinoshita shot furtive glances in my direction, showing only a look of surprise for a moment, but only to immediately look away. Without saying anything, she then accelerated her walking pace, in which I followed in turn.

The sounds of our loafers hitting the ground, and the sounds of the turning tires of the bike alternated back-and-forth, our walking tempo ultimately remaining the same throughout.
It certainly felt like a long moment of silence as we walked in that fashion. Perhaps, we were both just being stubborn, not wanting to be the first to break the silence, after having waited for so long. Or more simply, it was primarily just too awkward for the either of us.

We passed by several bus stops, and corners, with not so much a glance from her. We merely continued on ahead, and even ignored any passerbys.

Well, I'm the one who brought up the annoying request with them, so I'm the one who should be breaking the ice here.

With that in mind, I decided to talk to her once we made it past the overhead of the Keiyou Line.

We took an increasing number of steps forward with the overhead bearing over us, and the train running past. In that moment, it felt like the clamourous noise of the city had died out.

I took a deep breath, and called out to Yukinoshita who was half-a-step ahead.

"...Sorry for barging in like that."

"...It's not your fault."

Yukinoshita answered with a stifled tone without looking my way as we exchanged some trivial statements.

"It's not like you could say no in that situation. But really, what's with you? I don't understand you at all."

She complained, the tempo of her voice ever increasing.

"You acted like how an evangelist would go about working when visiting someone's home."

"I think that's a little exaggerated. I definitely did escalate the situation saying a few things here and there, but I didn't actually propose a tangible solution. I just said to help us, that's all."

"So, you're basically providing no help at all, which goes beyond just a scam... I think that's much worse."

In truth, it was the epitome of a scam, offering a potential solution to raised concerns of nonexistent risks. The big difference here was that I didn't offer a single solution to the problem. In that respect, it was worse than a scam, which, as she said, was even worse.

Yukinoshita let out a deep sigh.

"Seeing my family get deceived certainly did frighten me quite a bit."

"I wouldn't say I did that... I mean, I wouldn't even need to lie in the first place if they were that easy to fool. I was more scared they would snap at me instead, honestly..."
I stated, simultaneously letting out a heartful sigh of relief.

There's obviously no way either Yukinoshita's mother or Haruno-san would believe my absurdities. The very idea of the joint prom was completely denied in that discussion back at the reception room.

The ladies of the Yukinoshita household in reality didn't need to take on the risks with the prom, so I'm sure they were just finding amusement with my cruddy arguments.
Yukinoshita, of course, was aware of this. Still half-a-step ahead, Yukinoshita adjusted her school bag behind her back, and muttered.

"You're right... My mother and sister aren't the type to fall for that kind of bait."

"Right? I was super scared at the end, too. Seriously, what's their game?"

"Who knows? I wouldn't know."

Yukinoshita pouted as she looked away, continuing forward.

The street we walked along stretched all the way to the coast, eventually intersecting with the national highway. Taking a left there would mean taking the street to my home.
But in having our little exchange as we walked together, I lost the opportunity to say goodbye.

...Or rather, no, that wasn't it. I certainly did come across the opportunity along the way, but I decided to ignore it altogether.

Once we approached the overhead pass that would take us over the national highway, I pushed my bike with decisive and purposeful steps.

Yukinoshita climbed the stairs without looking back, and I followed. But I lagged behind as I pushed my bike up the slope. Gradually, our distance would grow one step, two step, and more until she finally made it the top.

To chase after her, I hurried up the steps, forcing the bike up the slopes. Yukinoshita, who stopped in place, looked at me.

She seemed to have been waiting. I gave her an apologetic look, and she shook her head. However, our eyes met only for a moment, as she quickly looked forward, and began walking forward again.

I rushed in pursuit to not fall behind, and finally managed to catch up to her side. The distance we maintained thus far, the half-step that almost became a whole two steps, finally disappeared.

Once the sounds of our steps overlapped, Yukinoshita continued her words from earlier.

"The eyes my mother had looked the same as when she looked at my sister..."

"...So, she acknowledged you?"

"I thought she might've given up on me."

She shrugged her shoulders, replying in self-deprecation.

"In the first place, I doubt my mother had even approved of me for the prom before. And now I'm trying to take on a risk that's even higher than that? Anyone would give up at that point."

Her tone made it sound she had given up on herself, if anything. I hesitated on how to respond, which only served to drag my pace, in which Yukinoshita took off a few steps ahead.
"...My bad. I know I shouldn't be bargining in on your family problems, or even your future, as an outsider. I ended up just causing more problems for you... so I'll make sure to take responsibility for that."

I carefully chose the words that needed to be said as I picked up my pace.

"That's not necessary, because there's no reason for you to for the decisions I make. If anything there's something else you should be doing."

I caught up to her after listening to her words, and she slowed her pace slightly.

"...Why did you say something so unreasonable?"

She whispered, letting out a hesitant, shallow breath. Her expression was unreadable, due to her facing down, but there was undoubtedly a tinge of sadness in her vanishing voice.
How should I answer her?

The time I had was little; the time it would take for two cars to pass through the overhead of the highway, and the time it would take for Yukinoshita to walk three steps ahead. I stopped in place.

Tha time wasn't for me to think, but for me to brace myself.

"...It was the only way I could think of that would let me get involved with you."

"Huh?"

Yukinoshita halted, and turned to look at me. Her expression was full of surprise, her agape mouth that looked ready to tell me what I was even talking about.

"If our club's gone, we won't have anything in common anymore. I couldn't think of any other excuse to drag you back."

"Why would you..."

On the overhead pass, the light of an oncoming bike illuminated Yukinoshita's astonibshed. With the pale light, I could see her lightly biting her lip.

"...What happpened to our promise? I told you to fulfill her request, didn't I?"

Her voice shook with a criticizing tone, her glance cast down in regret.

But I was sure she'd say that. And I knew she'd make that expression.

But even so, in light of my own selfish, I decided I wouldn't look back on who I cause problems for, I answered in return.

"Let's just this isn't totally unrelated."

Yukinoshita gave me a perplexed look and wordlessly questioned me as she tilted her head. I narrowed my eyes, permeated with the orange street lights of the overpass like the setting sun.

"...She told me she wanted you to be there, because there's nothing after school."

I passed on her words, and Yukinoshita choked up. diverting her face, so I couldn't see her moist eyes.

"...Couldn't you do that without having to do what you did today?"

"I don't think I could, because I don't have the confidence I could maintain the relationship of being acquaintances, friends, classmates, or what have you."

"That might be the case for you, but... I can do it. I'll definitely get better enough to do it properly... that's why, I'll be fine."

She said, and as if to cut the conversation short, and to shake off her past, she moved forward.

The corners of my mouth twisted in a cynical smile, seeing the charm in her show of bravery.

"I'm not in the position to be saying this, but not only are both you and I terrible at communicating, we're also twitsted to the core. To add, we're complete social failure, and I don't have the slightest confidence I'd be able to improve on that. If anything, I'm definitely sure I'll be distancing myself even further once we've grown apart. That's why..."

I walked behind Yukinoshita with a few steps widening between us.

As I looked at her back growing further, I was on the verge of reaching out for her hand, only for me to hesitate.

If I wanted to continue our discussion, I could easily just stop her. I knew that. Hell, I could just continue walking and talking with her. That's not hard at all. But if I didn't have a reason, then I shouldn't be trying to grab ahold of her hand.

But, I did have a reason.

A reason that I would absoultely not yield on.

"...If I let go of you, I won't ever be able to get you back."

I declared as if to persuade myself, or rather, so I COULD persuade myself, and extended out my hand.

Having one hand on my bike, I came off looking clumsy, and my hand was full of sweat, and I just wasn't sure how strong of a grip I was supposed to have.

But even so, I grabbed onto the cuffs of Yukinoshita's arm.

Her wrist was surprisingly thin, enough to fully wrest in the palm of my hand.

"..."

Yukinoshita's back jerked, and she stopped. With a surprised look, she alternated glances between her hand and my face.

I kicked the kickstand out from my bike, and skillfully set it into place with my free hand. Because if I had let go of her, I thought she would run away like a cat unfamiliar with people.

"I'll have you know that I feel like dropping dead from the embarrassment of what I said just now..."

I blurted out, followed by a forceful sigh.

Yukinoshita squirmed in in discomfort, trying to use that moment as a way to get me to let go of her. Her behavior was similar to that of a cat frightened from the touch of water with its paw, and as much as I wanted to let her go, I wanted to make sure I held onto her until we finished our talk.

"So, what I said about taking responsibility wasn't sufficient I'm not doing this out of obligation, or anything like that. If anything, I want you to let me take responsibility."
The more I kept spouting, the more I hated myself, weaking the grip on my hand. It's just disgusting how I felt about myself at that moment. I loosened the hand that held onto Yukinoshita's wirst and powerlessly moved it downwards.

Yukinoshita, however, didn't try to run away, and simply stood there. She smoothed out the wrinkles that formed from my grip, and then held on to that location with her own hand. She didn't look at me, but she did seem ready to listen to what I had to say. I felt relieved, and then began.

"You might not want it, but... I want to continue getting involved with you. It's not out of a sense of duty, but because I want to... That's why, give me the right to mess up your life."

In squeezing out every single word, one by one, I was on the verge of closing my mouth throughout, but still powering on with forced breaths, and shallow gasps, all to make sure I didn't make a mistake.

During that, Yukinoshita didn't say a word in interruption, merely only looking at the cuffs that I had grasped earlier.

"...'Mess up'? What do you mean by that?"

She gave an inquisitive glance, replying unexpectedly. To make up for all the silence, I let my words spill out.

"I'm not influential enough to change your life. I'm sure the both of us will graduate, and find a job, ungrudgingly of course, and live a somewhat proper life. But add me into your life, and we'll be taking detours, or even getting stuck somewhere... That's why, your life will be a little messy."

In response to my incoherent rambling, Yukinoshita finally wore a smile, though, slightly sad.

"...In that case, my life's already quite the mess."

"Yeah. We met each other, talked with each other, learned about each other, grew apart frmo each other, and during all of that... we became a mess."

"Well, you've been like that from the start... not that I'm any different."

She said in jest and mockery, and we both softly smiled.

I'm sure for someone as twisted as I am, and as straightforward as she is, anyone would just see how warped we really were. We were just so different to the point of incompatibility, but with respect to our warped nature, we were likely the same. And whenever that nature of ours clashed against each other, it would change ever so slightly, eventually changing so much that it couldn't be undone.

"We'll become even more twisted going forward. But the more twisted you become, the more I plan to offer in exchange."

I said, aware that lip service had no value.

"...Well, I've got essentially no assets to speak of, so the only things I can really give you are vague stuff like my time, my feelings, my future, or my life."

It was a promise that I knew had no meaning.

"My life hasn't exactly been the greatest so far, and I don't think I have much prospects in the future, but... if I'm going to get involved with another person's life, then it wouldn't be fair if I didn't bet it all."

I scraped out my words like I would with a chisel, the words I needed to tell her.

I had to tell her, even if I knew it wouldn't get across.

"I'll do everything with you, so let me get involved in your life."

Yukinoshita's mouth opened slightly, looking as if to say something, but she soon swalled her breath right after.

She fixed her scowl on me, and with a trembling voice, she dug out the words that were likly something else entirely from earlier.

"That's no fair at all. There's no value in my future, or my my path... but for you, there's..."

She cast her moist eyes downwards, but in that moment when she lost her words, I twisted my mouth upwards along with my cheeks into a smile. A smile typical of me that's chock-full of cynicism, arrogance, and pride.

"Good. Because there isn't much value in my life, either. The price of my stock is pretty much rock-bottom right now, and I don't see it dropping any further than it already is. If anything, my stock's a real bargain right now, because I can guarantee a return on your investment."

"That's what any scam artist would say. Your sales pitch is terrible."

We faced each other with a tearful smile, and Yukinoshita took a step closer, and tapped my collar. She glared up at me with tear drops at the corner of her eyes.
"...How are you able to spout such pointless and dumb things like that? I'm sure there's other things you could be saying instead."

"Because I can't.... And I sure as hell am not letting any of this be summed up in words alone."

I twisted my expression, and laughed with a rather pitiful voice.

Words just weren't enough, that's why.

I could say what I truly feel, joke about it, use stock phrases, and anything else, but I don't think it would get across in the least.

It's not that simple of an emotion. Of course, it does include the feeling that could be understood with a simple word. But if I were to force that emotion into a single generic framework, then it'd become a lie.

I've gone through numerous and numerous of words, I thrashed around with faulty logic, I got rid of all the excuses that I stemmed from my own reasons, my environment, and my situation, I got rid of whatever blockaded my way, and I blocked off my own escape. And that's why I've finally made it to this point.

No one could make sense of that. And that's fine. I don't mind if no one didn't get it.

I just wanted to let it out, that's all.

Yukinoshita looked at my pathetic smile, but eventually, she opened up, and reluctantly.

"I think I'll be a really big hassle."

"I know."

"And I've done nothing but cause you trouble."

"A little too late for that."

"I'm stubborn, and undearing."

"Yeah, right."

"You could at least deny that."

"Don't ask for the impossible."

"I think I'll become even more hopless by depending on you all the time."

"That just means I need to be more hopeless than you, then. If everyone's hopeless, then no one's hopeless."

"...And then-"

"It's fine."

I interrupted her as she struggled to find her words.

"No matter how much of a hassle or burden you become, it won't bother me. On the contrary, I actually might like that."

"...What? That doesn't make me happy at all."

Still looking downwards, Yukinoshita hit my collar again.

"Ouch..."

It didn't hurt in the least, but I had to reply as a matter of coutesy. And then, Yukinoshita pouted her lips.

"Don't you have anything else?"

"You're twisted to the point that I honestly don't get you, and I guess there are times where you get on my nerves but they're all things I can deal with, because I'm more or less the same way... I mean, I'll probably be complaining along the way, but I think we can make it work."

As soon as I said that, she hit me again, but wordlessly.

Content with that, I took her slender hand.

I wish there was another way to do it. But for me, this was the only way.

If only there were words that were easier to get across to her.

If only the emotion was much simpler.

If it was just a simple feeling of love and yearning, there's no way I would have such a strong feeling of attraction to her. I wouldn't even have to think about how I'd never be able to get ahold of her again if I lost sight of her.

"I won't have enough to cover for making a mess of your life, but yeah, I'll give you everything. If you don't need any of it, just toss them aside. If they're too annoying, then just forget about them. I'm doing this because I want to, so you don't have to respond, either."

Yukinoshita sniffed and nodded.

"Let me say it."

She then pressed her forehead against my shoulder.

"Please give me your life."

"...That's pretty heavy."

The words spilled out of my mouth, and Yukinoshita bumped her head against my shoulder again in disapproval.

"What do you expect? I can't think of any other way to say it..."

She tapped her head again like cat, and held onto my collar like a kitten play-biting.

The feelings that we'll never be able to describe with words alone are surely something we'll understand through the touch of our warmth.