Well, I got a better night's sleep this time and can write back a more detailed message. Like I said, I've been going through a lot of stuff in my life lately, and don't know whether to blame my emotional issues on those, or the Humira. I'm definitely having more of an adverse reaction, physically, to the Humira than I was when I first started it: I get a nasty red itchy swelling around the injection site for a few days that I didn't get from the first few injections. What are your experiences in that regard?

But I keep having these mood swings that I'm not sure what to attribute to. I've been very depressed. Sometimes I have times where my brain just seems to shut down for a few minutes or even a few hours -- this has actually been going on since last summer, and at first I was worried that these episodes would lead into seizure; I had seizures at the ages of 7 and 14 (I'm 22 now). But they didn't, they just kept coming and going, and my doctor suggested that it was attributable to anxiety caused by the stress of school, the symptoms of my disease, or a combination of both. The episodes ceased and I felt much better both physically and emotionally when I first went on Humira -- like my whole life had suddenly changed at the arrival of that magical injection. But now I'm (emotionally, at least) back in the same rut I was.

The emotional experiences that I'm going through in my life don't help me to sort out my situation. I've just graduated college with a double major BS in mathematics and computer science (don't ask me how I managed it), and have no idea where I'm going to go next. I've just been so stressed out by both school and my medical issues that I haven't had the time or stamina to figure out what the hell I wanted to do next, you know? And up until just a couple weeks ago, it didn't bother me that my future was undecided, but it suddenly does. I've learned that it's unlikely I'll ever go to grad school for math, which was one thing I was considering doing. You are unlikely to get accepted into math grad if you don't immediately apply as you're finishing undergrad college, or if you didn't do research as an undergrad. I did neither. Plus, I'm largely parting ways with some of the best friends I've ever had -- some of the friends I made in college are, I daresay, the *first* friends I've ever had that I think I can truly stay emotionally close with forever. Way better than any of the people I met in high school, for damn sure. I know that we will always be in contact, and that we will make efforts to see each other occasionally, but it just won't be the same as being able to hang out with them face-to-face several times a week, like we have for the past four years. Some of them are going out of state or even out of the country. That's really hard for me to accept, especially since I'm somewhat of a misanthrope and have trouble making friends sometimes; I consider myself extremely lucky to have found this bunch of weirdos whose circle I mesh into very nicely.

To top that all off, I'm having sort of an early-life crisis in the dating area. It's hard to talk about this, but I really need someone to open up to and you guys on this forum seem incredibly loving and compassionate. I've *never* had a physical relationship with anyone, and I feel really "behind" and disconnected from my peers because of that. I've never had a very good self-image, and having Crohn's doesn't exactly make me feel more "wantable," nor does having psychological issues like chronic depression, a bit of OCD, and a past of seizures, which may or may not ever recur, haunting me. When I think about it objectively (I'm a logically-minded person), I think to myself, "I sure wouldn't wish having to put up with me and all my problems on a girl," and for that reason I find girls unapproachable. I'm graduating college and it's really hitting me that I've never had much of that kind of a relationship with anyone, and I feel way behind...

In summary, I guess the Humira was bad timing, because I'm going through all this anxiety and depression and terror and I can't tell if it's the Humira, the things I'm going through in my life, or a combination of both. I also hope that wasn't too much personal information bombarded at you; I feel like I went way off the beaten track....I've REALLY needed to talk to someone about this stuff, and well, most of the people I know, I would have a really hard time talking to about it. Sometimes the most comfort is found in strangers, and the people on this board all seem really open, loving, understanding, and compassionate, so I guess that led me to rant to you about my problems. I really hope that I haven't made you uncomfortable.