The most magical stage of renting an apartment was the inspection stage. It was a Friday morning and Melbourne was just on the verge of Autumn. I entered the city with the intention of securing a new apartment and I met up with my friend Jay in front of The State Library.

“Today’s a big day for you man,” Jay said. “When’s the first inspection?”

“In twenty minutes,” I said.

I booked two inspections. One was a tiny bachelor’s suite behind the library and another was located on a busy street. The one behind the library sounded like an attractive option and the pictures on the site looked halfway decent. When I booked the inspection, I had the firm conviction to land it then and there, however, I completely changed my mind the minute I saw the building. From across the street, Jay frowned at the apartment complex:

“What the hell is that?”

“That’s the first apartment,” I said. The building was a slab of concrete held together by hideous blue steel frames. Construction noise was also a constant near the apartment building so if I landed it, I basically had to cross sleep off of the list of human essentials. We walked up to the door of the lobby and there was a huge print of a tropical coconut tree plastered on the wall and the space was decorated with plastic orange dots. I didn’t know what they tried to achieve with the aesthetic but one thing was clear. To me, that specific combination of things – the concrete building and the abominable lobby decor – made me want to throw up. To live in that apartment, I’d have to drive to a bulk department store and get a batch of vomit bags. But, for the record, being a student in the liberal arts, I simply didn’t have money to afford that many vomit bags. I turned to Jay: “Let’s go. This is not worth it.”

“If you rent here, I think you’ll get stabbed in the hallway.” Jay laughed. I looked into the lobby with the orange plastic dots and thought: absolutely no way.

Jay didn’t come to the second apartment inspection because his girlfriend was mad at him. I circled around the block and ended up on the street where the building was. It was such a busy district that cars constantly honked at one another, but compared to the constant construction work, I had nothing to complain about. I went to the address of the apartment building and spotted a lobby that was much more bearable. It was pretending to be something it wasn’t with its marble floor and landing mirrors, but in short, it was something I could live with. I stood below in the streets and spotted a young woman in a brown overcoat. She looked around the block and looked up at the building. I walked up to her.

“Are you also here for the inspection?”

She turned to me. A second later, she said: “Sure.” and gave me one of those “nice to meet you” smiles. I looked into the streets and saw a balding short man in a suit coming our way in rapid steps. Everything about him slipped into the perfect description of a real estate agent. They were people I’d never be but nevertheless still needed. After the agent walked past us the girl said:

“So, why an apartment in the city center?” She took a step back and tried to figure me out. “What do you do?”

“I’m a writer,” I said and immediately regretted it. “I mean, also a student from Melbourne U. Are you also studying?

“I’m studying a master’s.” She looked up at the apartment building. The real estate agent came out of the lobby and I waved at him. “Do you know him?” She turned to me.

“Him? No.” I gave a dry laugh. I didn’t have to know a real estate agent to wave at him. He sounded a bit Russian: “Hey, I’m John.” He reached out his hand and his shake was firm. “Shall we?” He buzzed open the front door to the lobby and led us in.

The first room he led us to looked like a college dorm and I shook my head. It looked nothing like the pictures. Even the most assorted interior designer couldn’t turn that place around. The girl had the same disgusted face about. She nodded and we both exited the room and John greeted us with a smile. “How was everything?” The girl and I looked at each other and John got the drift. “Well, there’s another room upstairs you guys could inspect…”

We ducked into a lift and after a few floors up, another suite was ready for us to inspect. John opened the door and I liked the place immediately. It was quaint and bare but I thought with a little bit of work, it could turn into a dream apartment. I turned to the girl and she nodded: “Needs some cleaning.”

“Lots of cleaning.” I looked out of the window and saw an old church right across the street. “This is the place I think,” I said. She turned to me like I was a mad person. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I really like it.”

“See, I don’t know.” She headed for the door and I followed. John greeted us at the elevator with a binder full of paperwork. “So,” He said, “If you’re interested when do you guys want to move in here?”

“Huh?” We looked at each other. I had a brown turtleneck on and she had a brown overcoat. John waited for a response. “We’re not a couple,” I said.

“Oh… I’m so sorry.” John said and scratched that patch where his hair used to be, “follow me then.” We went into the elevator. On our way down to the ground floor, John kept giving me side glances, and right before the elevator “dinged” at the sight of G on the elevator’s display, he shoved a piece of paper in my hand. “Alright, nice to meet you.” He then turned to the girl and shoved another piece in her hand. “If you pay the bond and the first month of rent, you could move in by Thursday.” He said in that urgent, inflated voice which reminded me of an auctioneer. The girl looked at me with raised brows and I shrugged. We went out of the lobby and I shook John’s hand: “I’m taking it.”

“Yes… yes. Good. Just get the paperwork through and we…” Real Estate agents were a restless bunch. “Sorry, I’ve another in… 5 minutes. So, just email… Great. Later!”

I stood in the early autumn’s wind with the girl and we looked at one another. “Remember.” She said with a smile. “Needs some cleaning.”

I looked down at the paper John shoved in my hand and nodded: “Lots of cleaning.”