Factory Proofreading

>Several approaches to doing so are already percolating in your head.
Not sure how many people will get "percolating". You're setting a high standard for readers only five sentences in.

>illustrated by the fact that able to get
"by the fact that able"

>However, the snap of an errant twig alerts them to your presence mere moments before you would have caught them unawares.
This is pretty cliche, you're a better writer than this.

>Boyar
I still don't know what that is. Is that "bazaar" with a terrible accent? Why is is capitalized?

>However, despite your best efforts, you manage to step on a branch that definitely came out of nowhere, and it's crack is as deafening as thunder in the relative openness of these foothills.
Maybe this would be better if it related to your speed. The imp yawns, turns his head, and you're too slow to react and get out of dodge or something along those lines?

>Looks like you've earned yourself a fair fight.
Cheeky. That got a smile out of me.

>With incredibly grace and stealthiness,
Is it really "incredible" when one is asleep and the other is loathing everything about his job and barely paying attention?

>You explain that you very simply want to move past them. Nothing more, nothing less. You explain not only do you not want to cause them any trouble,
Repetition of "You explain".

>More. We, uh, we've been watching this door for a good long time,
"More"?

>And, you know, it makes it a lot more suspicious,
I know the context, but the reader might not get what the context of "suspicious" is reading this.

>The talkative one wears a self-satisfied sneer as you fill up a bag before handing it over.
How many spare bags to fill with gems does the player carry? Does the player have a bag for all his bags? Why not just take the gems and dump them in the same bag the first batch was given in with the imp greedily holding it open for you.

>and it's not like [].
I can't say it's like [] either.

>You pull your mouth away just in time for your [face] to be coated in demonic semen.
It's a bit odd that they both come at the same time without mention of you stroking one of them or both off to completion, seeing as you only have one mouth.

>and it's not long before the throbbing of their members signals that
Ends in a space with no period.

>Nodding, the two of them quickly depart, though you can hear some giggling on their way.
One might want to say to the other that it's "time" for their break after this. It feels a little weird that they just up and leave. It would make more sense if they stayed and just let you through, but that would require additional writing for the whole scenario.

>You somewhat doubt it, but you don't share that thought as the grimy pair scurries off in the nonsensical direction you point them in. You make sure that your directions will occupy them long enough for your purposes.
This along with the previous point would be a good argument to have additional writing if you end up coming back without clearing the factory in one go.

>They appear to steel themselves, though you have no idea
Classic Moth.

>You talk big, but you wouldn't be saying anything if you could actually
Truly the trademark of your writing.