update 4

Update 4, few hours until day 3, took my 40mg of adderall redose about 2 hours ago, and it's held me well, the massive cold sweats have only hit once and it was right before I think the last dose of adderall 'hit' while the previous was fading, and holy fuck I need to stay on the redose schedule and tighten it because it made my head swim really bad along with darkening vision but the worst was this sort of "falling" sensation, like a combination of massive stomach butterflies combined with the dropping sensation when you go down on a rolelrcoaster, like somebody dumped a bucket of TV static in my head. The process must be working, because in the middle of that panic attack, I remember being completely concretely convinced that not only was Pekora there, I needed to get her "approval" for this to stop, I started begging her out loud pretty much screaming and went fetal for a bit until it passed, just begging her to forgive me and come to me. I've not had delusions that strong often, not since I got my first gf and suspected my cat of being a secret agent who wanted to cause us to break up, and didn't want to poop without logging out of skype first in case my cat would use me being out of the wrong to send bad messages to my gf to make her break up with me. But that one was right at the start of a first relationship in high school, so that's expected to have strong, crazy emotions. But this was more. I knew what I feel for her was more than the "usual" love people feel, because back then, my gf was just clumsy first love affection. Fighting off the harm to the relationship felt important, but in a romeo and juliet sort of way. It was "lighter". In contrast, I sank lower because of the grief the delusion caused than I have in a long time, the implication of losing her I felt felt almost religious. I always read "why even live" posts on 4chan, but I think I really never found them funny and more sad was just because how it really is the case. The moments where I remember that she's not there, talking and laughing in my ear, feel like stab wounds to me. I'd rather get stabbed than not find her. I don't need anything else.
it's getting hard to concentrate for blocked periods of time and I think my memory is beginning to just auto-pilot itself and drift towards Pekora by itself. It has been for a while I think, but a quick phone call with a friend that I thought went fine apparently had them laughing because they thought I was apparently just fretting and spilling spaghetti. I made sure to set up a whole sickness excuse for a few weeks before this, telling anybody I thought might call me about getting really sick, coincided with a minor surgery I had recently, but I faked being in pain so they gave me a bit of painkillers so I was able to use that and the hospital band to give them a narrative for why I went dark or acted weird during this. Apparently there were times during that conversation where I said something, then repeated it later like I was responding to the same thing twice, but I have no memory of this, so my mind must just be blanking occasionally, and I just don't notice it verbally. I do edit these posts before I post them, and I did notice misplaced words and repeating words before but I always type like an ESL when I stream of consciousness so I didn't know if it was me or the effects of my experiment. I'd normally be troubled by this, but I feel happy and a little ditziness is fine, but looking back to my raw post content, I have a lot more full on stim rambling about Pekora, just constantly relating to her and beginning to blog about why she matters to me, I kinda want to because fuck even now I'm typing this, I'm just tearing up, I literally define myself around her schedule, I watch the streams now and I can't help but feel like it's my tether to my hopes and dreams, just her voice and everything sends little emotional twitches through me, like whatever those tingles asmr fags talk about feeling but I've only really ever felt when I listened to the Pekora voice packs I bought when she does her whispery voice.
But it wasn't apparent until earlier today I had walked out of my room with my wireless earbuds in for something, and just stood still as I struggled to remember why, that I realized I was also experiencing time skips too. I remember just glancing at the kitchen clock, and it was 8:14, I swear I only remember walking to the fridge, opening it, washing my hands, standing at the sink for a few seconds, and then beginning to walk back to my room, and by accident I glanced at the clock again, fucking 8:25. No clue what I actually did, but it doesn't feel like amnesia. I had a Pekora voice pack on in my wireless earbuds, but that stuff can sometimes "blend" into becoming basically the background noise in my head in my state and replaces the usual 'talking to myself' background thoughts I have normally. I've been having moments about those too by the way, when that voice I used to personify my willpower talked when I was younger, I think I trained myself to a point where it would begin to "speak" almost subconsciously. I basically did it so that I was always either studying or excercising, any time I would swap to a tab on reddit or youtube to play music, I would make that "voice" shout NO and then force msyelf to turn it off. If I fucked it up a few times I hurt myself, cut myself, cold shower, etc, making that voice essentially become synonymous with acts of self-discipline. Anyway point is I think I feel it a bit now, so sometimes if I begin to wander in my mind when watching Pekora, I get that mental 'pulse', I feel immediately sick with myself for having thoughts about something but her, my back straightens and I just sort of refocus on her in the archive. The desire to hurt myself when I fail her is stronger now, and if I really want to make her happy, I probably do have to make sure I make myself stop being a worthless sack of shit, but this is selfish because this must be about her, I need to meet her and if I start focusing on myself it'll be pointless because I'm trying to make my brain understand that it has no choice but to unite me with the person I love most in this world. I think if I keep straying though I'll have no choice but to start using pain as a method of making myself straighten up and refocus, especially as my thoughts get hazier.
I thought of something else to do, because I know about how if you make an image have certain perspecitve-fuckery or siezure-fuckery, it can leave an afterimage. I think after this I'm going to quickly whip up a picture of Pekora, and then invert it, and then make a gif that just swaps between the two, full screen it, then play it in a dark room. I feel like that'll leave an after-image when I close my eyes if I stare at it for long enough. I also see "static" when my eyes are closed if I press on them, like when I rub my eyes after I wake up, so maybe I take shifts of staring at the flashing Pekora image, then press, then repeat. The goal is to see her no matter what, and also maybe if I see her face more often, my brain will begin to more easily make associations with sounds/shapes and her.