Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties

FractalFluff, December 21, 2013; 22:55 / FB 15635
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"...That's all the 'Good Fluffies, Bad Fluffies: Xtreme!' we have time for tonight, viewers! But stay tuned for a special presentation from our sponsors..."

"...And CUT! Okay, let's go to commercials...."

***

The scene: a blatant rip-off of Hogwarts' main dining hall as depicted in the Harry Potter movies. The children have been replaced by unicorn fluffies in wizard outfits, laughing and casting CGI'd "spells" at each other. Suddenly, cans of spaghetti materialize in front of the fluffies. They magically fly open, and glistening pasta shapes glide out of the cans and onto the fluffy students' plates: wands, stars, pointy hats, lucky horseshoes, and vague blobs that might have been unicorns.

At one table, some scruffy, meany-looking fluffies are giving owwies to a smaller unicorn and tripping up a very pretty mare as she walks by. They are being served _Slithery Sketties_. At another, a group of well-groomed and sociable pointies are giving each other huggies and swapping tiny scrolls back and forth, ostensibly helping each other with their homework. The cans on their table read _Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties_.

"Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties!" says the voiceover (provided by a human affecting fluffy speech patterns, rather than an actual fluffy), as the happy pointies enjoy their spaghetti. "Dey haf evewyfin a pointy fwend nee' fow pwettyes fwuff, shinyes mane an taiwies, an bestes hownie gwof. Nu wowndah dese fwuffies awe feewin magic!"

The scene changes. The Harry Potter expy fluffy is now dressed like Gandalf. He and his friends are now standing in front of a completely original and not at all Moria-ish chasm. A drooling doggie monster is loping across the bridge towards the fluffy and his friends. The pointy puffs out his cheeks and bellows: "Oo shaw nu pawss!" His horn begins to glow a vivid pinkish-orange, the same colour as the Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties package livery.

The camera cuts away to show the Slithery Sketties fluffies huddling in a corner, gibbering in terror as the shadow of a huge snake falls over them. "Uvvew sketties an fwuffy kibbew nu haf da unique bwend of vitamins, minewaws an pwopietawy ingwedients dat make Pointy Fwend Sketties magic," explains the voiceover. The fluffies' horns glow an insipid greenish colour; the leader's throws a few weak sparks, which fall far short of the snake. The glow fades completely and the serpent's swaying head obscures the cringing fluffies...

The ad cuts back to the "good" fluffies, as the leader shoots powerful jets of sparks at the doggie-monster. They strike its nose. The dog's eyes cross comically, and it yelps. A second stream of animated sparkles curls around the dog's legs and hits it in the no-nos. The dog flees back across the bridge,  yelping. The victorious pointies leap about and hug. The pretty mare who got tripped up in the early scenes walks on and gives the lead fluffy a kiss on his muzzle.

The camera now cuts back to the "bad" fluffies. All that can be seen of them is a pair of rear hooves disappearing into the mouth of a very lumpy python. Faint moans can be heard: "nu wike dawk!" "nu wike Swivewy Sketties!" "wet fwuffy go!" and " Huuhuuhuuu...stupi' Swivewy Sketties..." The camera zooms in on a dented can of Slithery Sketties as it's crushed by the snake's tail.

In the final scene, the "good" fluffies are enjoying a picnic on a verdant lawn, with the Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties can front and center. The lead fluffy uses his magic to open the can and share the spaghetti shapes with his friends. "Pointy Fwend Magic Sketties," repeats the voiceover, as the can spins around and levitates into the air. "Dey make EVEWY meaw magic!" The frame freezes on a closeup of the floating can's label, the slogan picked out in twinkling lights.

***

A knot of off-duty station staff watched the spot with their jaws open. "Is that even legal?" said a gofer.

"Have they ever MET a fluffy?" demanded an assistant lighting technician. "Unis everywhere are going to want this crap at every meal. They'll think it'll turn them into Fluffy Gandalf — and if they don't get it, they'll be eaten by snakes."

"I think that's basically the core of the company's business model," said a boom mike operator.

"I heard that it's actually this tie-in crap for a cartoon they ran in 2005," said an older technician "Monster Magic Fashion Academy? Irresponsibly-drawn witches who fought over shoes, and their hideously-attenuated unicorn mascot?"

"Oh. Yeah. Wow, that unicorn. I was 17 and even then I couldn't fap to that."

"Only, they couldn't sell the spaghetti on account of how there was a mix-up with the food colouring."

"What, it's poisonous?"

"Naw, they just put too much in. Kids who ate the stuff started turning orange, so they pulled it."

"Orange."

"No, straight up. Beta Carotene. Same dye they use in cheap tanning pills. Now they're selling the same stuff as fluffy unicorn food. Company came up with a new pitch, re-labelled all the cans, et voila. Long as they state that it's not for human consumption, they're in the clear."

"What if the fluffies go orange?"

"Then they'll think the magic is working. Poor little suckers are credulous as hell."

"Fluffies, man."

"Yeah. Fluffies."

"Huh."