Log. ( not a journal or a dairy just a log )

NOTE: i don't like the way this sounds.
It sounds like I don't trust you.
I do.
This is just all the bad bad thoughts so it sounds really bad.


Sept 9, 7:06 am

She lied about going to talk to one of stephen's friends. She went to talk to xerxeth. I tried to confront her and she denied it. Then she ignored me.
She played some black ops and then TF2. I was gonna join her but it was broken and then she stopped playing.
She's not even looking at kik.

I'm scared. I'm scared she doesn't love me. I'm afraid that we're not serious to her and that I'm just a guy to make her happy who she doesn't care about too much.
I feel like she's having a hard time balancing her 2 online boyfriends ( me and xerxeth of course ). It was easier when she was ignoring me, now she has to spend time with both of us.
I wanna believe that I'm the real boyfriend she really like but how do I even know that anymore?

I wanna trust her.
How do you trust someone who keeps lying to you?
All I ever want to do and end up doing is trusting her. And she breaks it every time.
I still trust her. She still lies.

I think the second the leaves teamspeak she stops thinking about me. Either that or she doesn't care.
If she thought about me or cared she wouldn't do this to me.

I wonder if she's just with me cause she knows how sad I would be if she left.

I wanna believe that she will come here. I can't though.
I still think it's just a fun thought to her, not something she is seriously planning for.
I don't think she is saving money for a ticket.
I wish she did.
I need her.

Life sucks (without her).

I wonder if she tells xerxeth she loves him. She says she doesn't care about him but i can't really know if that's just the same thing she says when she's talking to him.

How DO you trust someone who keeps lying to you?

I wonder if she even likes hearing about the things I do. All I want to do is tell her about my day. I don't think she cares.

I love her.

I can't lose her.

I probably never would if I was capable of being happy without her. I just think that I am more serious about us than she is. I think it hurts me more when we are apart, I don't think she cares.

I just don't know if she cares about me all. Like truly cares.
I think I'm just a distraction from her horrible life. Something that makes her happy.
I don't think she really cares though.

I can't blame her.

Why does she never do the things she promises?
This is why I shouldn't trust her.
I still do.
We never watch movies anymore.
We tried once and she left in the middle of it.
She still hasn't done any of the things she has promised to do.
She promises things that would really make me happy.
Then she forgets.
I don't think she even realizes.
That's what hurts the most.
She doesn't care enough about me to realize.

Stephen's gonna be home soon.
If she cared, she'd come talk to me for a bit while she still can because she knows she won't be able to talk to me for a while.
How can she do this?
I guess she really doesn't care.

She's not gonna come before stephen is home. Great.
Still on xerxeth's teamspeak btw.


I still can't believe this is happening.
I'm supposed to believe she doesn't really care about him.
Yet she leaves me for him
all the time
this is so wrong

She asked me if I wanted to break up.
She must know I would never want that.
I think she just asked in the hope I would say yes because she doesn't wanna be with me anymore but doesn't have the heart to break up with me.


I did tell her about the cuts.
I told her I wrote her name.
I don't think she really understood that I took a fucking razor blade and carved her name into my thigh.


Why is it always my fault?
I didn't go talk to xereth and lie about it
But I call her out and she get's mad at me.
She should feel sorry and apologize, not get mad and make me feel like the bad guy.
Now once again she screwed up and I'm here begging her to talk to me cause she's mad.


I feel sick.
I don't know if it's because I'm so sad, or because I haven't eaten or drank anything in hours because I'm too afraid to get off this chair in case she comes back.


I guess she's off his teamspeak.
Not talking to me though.
Probably getting things done before stephen gets home.
Why can't she just fucking come talk to me for a minute.
It can't be a problem for her, it's just a minute, and it would mean the world to me and make life so much easier.


I wanna cry


I assume stephen is home by now so she probably can't talk
even if she can, no serious talk.
She'll probably go to xerxeth anyways

nothing
probably won't her from her till tomorrow


3:30 PM

I woke up.
She's on garry's mod, TDRP
why wouldn't she tell me anything?
wtf

cought her for one second.
She sais she'd come talk after waking stephen up.
I don't think she will
I wanna cry

if she could get on and play why couldn't she come on teamspeak?
and of course right when I get on she has to leave


Why does she always have to leave me to talk to him
She doesn't love me
idk if she loves him but i know if she really loved me she wouldn't leave me
she wouldn't need xerxeth
How can she tell me that she misses me after going away for a week or something
if she missed me then she would've come back
i guess it doesn't matter to her if we talk
that's why she can leave to easily for someone else.
I hate my life

I love her
Why can't she love me too?

now of course she can't talk

I hate my life

There is no way she takes your relationship seriously.
I think she just comes to me cause I'm a distraction from stephen and she can talk to me about him.
I don't think she really misses me when we're not talking
I don't think she Really wants to talk to me
if she did I wouldn't have to beg her to come.
I wanna talk to her ALWAYS.
There is no way she feels the same way.


I wonder if she is just playing me.

How do you trust someone who keeps lying to you?

I will always trust her, and she will probably keep betraying my trust

I'll still trust her the next time.

She probably lies about everything

I still trust her.


If she lies to me about where she's going and why she's leaving how can I trust her when she says that I'm the one she really loves?
She probably doesn't

I hate my life


How can she keep doing this to me?
She has to know that it kills me that she has another boyfriend, even if she tells me she doesn't care about him.
I guess it's easy if you don't care

I hate my life.

If she only cared, everything would be fine.
We could be happy forever.

She doesn't care

I hate my life

She's here.
I love her so much.
Idk what to do
idk if she cares
why would she leave me if she did?


I love her so much