The Princess Filly, Chapter I

>your name is Anonymous Filly
>it's been 9 years since your life was turned upside-down
>that was when you became the first man to set foot in Equestria
>it's been 4 years since your life was turned upside-down again
>that is to say your life was turned doubly upside-down
>not that it was turned right-side up
>that was when you had Twilight Sparkle transform you into a small earth filly so you could win a bet
>and when you both found out that she couldn't turn you back
>gee, with a name like yours, who could have seen that coming?
>well, you've more or less come to terms with it by now
>obviously, you're never going to have sex with anything ever
>because no matter what you do, it's gay
>other than that, life's been okay you guess
>Twilight was good enough to let you stay with her til you're big enough to take care of yourself again
>she's been making you go back to school
>but the lessons on Equestrian history and magic have been helping you see the value in that
>the point is
>you've settled into something like "normalcy"
>objectively, of course, your life is far from normal
>but you've found a balance
>and, generally, things are calm now
>today is the day that all that gets shat on
>today is the day your life gets turned upside-down again… again
>that is to say
>from this point forward
>your life will be triply upside-down
>you flop out of bed and stretch your glutes
>hot damn, it's Sunday
>that means pancakes
>but when you enter the kitchen
>the kitchen is empty
>huh
>she must have slept in a little later than usual
>oh well
>it's a beautiful day out
>surely, by the time you get back from a good old-fashioned Sunday morning stroll she'll be up
>you're about to head out the front door when it bursts open
>Twilight's friends go racing past you
>fast
>you go down in a spinning heap
"Hey! What's the big idea?"
>the five of them skid to a cartoonish stop
>Applejack takes off her hat and fans herself with it
>"Sorry 'bout that, Anon. Have you seen Twilight?"
"No, not yet."
>they all exchange worried looks
>then they take off running again
>you decide to go after them
"Wait up! What's going on?"
>by the time you catch up with them, they're panicking together in Twilight's room
>Applejack throws her hat on the floor and stomps on it
>"Doggone it! Not Twilight, too!"
>Fluttershy shudders like a leaf
>"What are we gonna do what are we gonna do what are we gonna do?"
>Pinkie Pie is sticking her head in every nook, cranny, and drawer of Twilight's room
>"Twilight! Where are you? Are you here? Are you there? Oh, shoot! This is the worst game of hide and seek ever!"
"Guys! What's going on?"
>Rainbow Dash screams at you
>"What's going on is Twilight's gone missing!"
>Rarity shakes her head
>"And not just Twilight…"
>Applejack stomps on her hat again
>"Every alicorn in Equestria just up and disappeared!"
>oh
>is that all?
>armed with this new information, you do the best thing you can think of right now
>that is, you run around and scream with everyone else
>the cacophany comes to a sudden stop when somebody telepoofs into the room
>a tall, grey unicorn stallion with a curly, white beard clears his throat
"Excuse me, is this where Princess Anonymous lives?"
>Twilight's friends instinctively step away from you
>the stallion's eyes lock onto you
"How do you do, Princess Anonymous? My name is Starswirl. I'm here to take you to Canterlot."
"Huh? I'm not a princess."
>Starswirl cocks a bushy eyebrow
<"You are the daughter of Princess Twilight Sparkle, are you not?"
"Adopted. Sort of. It's all… very… very… irregular."
>Starswirl sighs
<"As long as it's legal, it's good enough for succession. Come with me Princess Anonymous; you are now the ruler of all Equestria."

>Starswirl's long-range teleportation spell leaves you dry-heaving on the marble floor of some tower in Canterlot Castle
<"Hrm. I see you're not used to teleportation."
>you struggle to your hooves
"Nope."
>you shake the nausea out of your mane
"So, uh, this is all an elaborate joke, right?"
<"A joke? What ever do you mean?"
"I mean, Twilight's friends tell me all the princesses are gone, then you show up and claim to be a guy who lived over a thousand years ago, you tell me I'm in charge of a whole country, and then you make me sick with that telepoofing shit. Haha, whoah, so bizarre, now if you'll excuse me I have pancakes to eat."
>the stallion who called himself "Starswirl" shakes his head
<"I'm afraid this is all quite real. Every alicorn princess in Equestria seems to have disappeared. If you'll look out that window you'll find the ponies of Canterlot in quite a panic."
>you glance at the window
>but don't dare to look down at the streets
<"For your second point, I did indeed live over one thousand years ago, but a short while ago Princess Twilight freed me and my fellow Pillars from our temporal prison. Thus, I live again."
"Is that right? Man, Twilight doesn't tell me anything anymore."
<"Indeed not, it seems. For she apparently never told you that you are her legal heir."
"Nope, definitely not. Shouldn't Spike be her legal heir though? I mean, Twilight adopted him way before me."
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"No. The dragon was legally adopted by Princess Twilight's parents, making him an adopted brother rather than an adopted child. Furthermore, as a non-pony, he is ineligible to be the head of a royal Equestrian house."
"Hey, well, uh, I'm not a pony either! Check my records, I was born as an alien monster."
<"I am quite aware of your past, Princess Anonymous. I'm also quite aware that you are a pony now, and will be for the remainder of your life. It is enough."
>oh, no, no, no, no
>that sinking feeling in your gut…
>there's only one card left for you to play
"I-isn't there anyone else?"
>Starswirl sighs
<"After you, there is one other in the line of succession. A distant descendent of Princess Celestia, who is considered her "nephew" for simplicity's sake."
>Starswirl glances at an hourglass in the room
>it's about half drained
<"Speaking of him, he should be paying us a visit-"
>the door flies open
>a white unicorn stallion with a wavy blonde mane storms in and begins screaming
_"Uncle Starswirl, I am telling you, I deserve to be the king of all Equestria. Imagine! A statue of me, gracing every-"
<"For the last time, Blueblood, I am not your uncle! Leave me; I'm speaking with your princess!"
>Blueblood's eyes lock onto you
>first he looks shocked
>then he looks angry
>then he looks friendly
_"Why hello, there, little Princess Nonny. Would you like some candy? All you have to do is sign-"
>the ivory room grows black
<"Leave us, Blueblood!"
>Blueblood scrambles out
>the room becomes bright again
>Starswirl shakes his head
<"If you abdicate your throne, Anonymous, he will take it."
>the thought of that sends prickles up your spine
"But… he's a total fucking faggot!"
>the old wizard nods gravely
<"Indeed."
"And there's absolutely no other way?"
>Starswirl's eyes glaze over as he stares into space
<"I lived in the age before the princesses. I remember the ways of the kingdoms of the three tribes. A vacuum of power will not stay empty for long. If it is not filled by legitimate succession, then it will be filled by war. Yes… I fear that if neither you nor Blueblood can claim the throne, then this land will be destroyed."
>so
>it's either you
>or Prince Fags-a-lot
>or war
"I mean, how bad could a war possibly be, you ponies don't even have nukes-"
<"Princess Anonymous!"
"Fuck! Fine! I'll do it!"
>as you speak these words, a wave of dizziness crashes through your head
>the stern gaze of the ancient mage softens
<"Wonderful. Now come with me; we must tell the press at once!"

>you don't get a chance to assent to the press conference
>the bearded magician grabs the scruff of your neck in his magic and begins rapidly navigating the castle
"Whoah, geez, the press? I only just accepted the job, dude. Give me some time here."
<"There is no time. The ponies of this land are on the verge of riot, and must have swift reassurance."
"Oh man, oh shit, what do I say?"
<"Answer all questions as simply and honestly as you can. For questions beyond your knowledge, I will answer."
>Starswirl stops before a plain white door and sets you down
>the wrinkly old stallion licks his hoof and begins trying to smooth out your mane with it
>he gives up on that fairly quickly
<"This is the conference room. I will hold open the door for you, you will enter, and you will proceed to the center of the stage. I will follow you in after that. Do not answer any questions until I am at your side."
"Y-yeah. Uh-huh."
<"Enter with confidence. Maintain a poise that is dignified, but not snobbish."
"R-right."
<"And do try not to stutter in front of the journalists. Now go."
>before you can respond, Starswirl the Bearded channels his magic and opens the door
>deep breaths now, Anon
>with a feeling of unreality, you stride onto the stage
>immediately, you're bombarded with shouts and questions
>"Princess Anonymous!"
>"What did you do to Princess Twilight?"
>"How do I pronounce your name?"
>"What's your tax plan?"
>you ignore them, and look straight ahead
>not until you reach the center of the stage do you face the crowd
>a little white filly is waving excitedly at you
"Sweetie Belle?"
>Sweetie Bell holds up her pad and pencil
>"Hi, Anon! You're gonna be in the school paper!"
>immediately, poor Sweetie Belle is swarmed with reporters
>"Tell us more about your relationship with Princess Anonymous!"
>"Is Anon some kind of pet name?"
>"Tell us about the princess! Why does she wear her mane like that?"
<"SILENCE!"
>the roar of the wizard, now at your side, brings the murder of journalists to whispering murmurs
<"Now, if you have questions for the princess, you may raise your hoof and wait to be chosen."
>hundreds of hooves stick straight up in the air
>welp
>this looks like it'll take a while
>you might as well go about this in an orderly fashion
>your first choice is a reporter on the far left of the front row
>"Princess Anonymous, do you know where the other princesses are right now?"
"I… don't."
<"Between the Pillars of Equestria, the Elements of Harmony, the Wonderbolts, as many members of the Royal Guard as we could spare, and as many volunteers as we could recruit, there are thousands of ponies scouring Equestria for them right now. Rest assured, the princesses will be found."
>the next journalist leers at you suspiciously
>"How can an earth pony be a princess? How do we know you won't be a biased ruler?"
"Well I, um, actually wasn't born as a pony at all. I have no bias toward any one tribe over another."
>"So you're not even a pony?!"
<"You have asked your question. Be silent."
>the third journalist rephrases that last question a bit more politely
>"Princess Anonymous, is it true that, before you were adopted by Princess Twilight, you were an alien creature?"
"Yeah… yes. I remember doing a few interviews for some science journals back in, maybe, 1002, so you should be able to learn more about my old life in some of those."
>next
>"Princess Anonymous, I understand that you're a bit older than you look. However, do you think that a small filly such as yourself is really ready to lead Equestria?"
"Heh… as, uh, ready as I'll ever be, I guess."
<"I will be educating and assisting the young princess in her duties until she is ready, just as I did for Princess Celestia aeons ago. Equestria shall be well-lead now, just as it was then."
>"This question is for Mr. The Bearded. Based on your experiences in princess-education, how long would say it will be until Princess Anonymous is ready to rule on her own?"
<"Ten years, perhaps less. However, I expect that the other princesses will have been brought back safely to Equestria long before then."
>hopefully they're brought back before the end of this damn press conference

>the conference goes on like this for fucking HOURS
>thankfully, Starswirl is there the whole time
>he keeps you from getting torn apart
>even more thankfully, it's over now
>safely backstage, you let out some say some things
>the things you say are somewhat less than appropriate for a princess
>or a filly, for that matter
"Holy fucking BALLS. You think those shit-licking buzzards out there are gonna be satisfied now?"
<"They never are."
>your stomach chooses this moment to let out an unearthly growl
>your knees almost give out
>as though your body wants to remind you that you just accepted responsibility for an entire fucking country
>without eating breakfast first
"Hey, Starswirl, where do I eat?"
<"Ah, yes. Princess Twilight would have made pancakes today, correct?"
>the wizened wizard takes you to the castle's great dining hall
<"Servants! Bring your princess pancakes!"
>a number of well-dressed attendants jump and dash into the kitchen
>Starswirl makes you sit in a massive, oaken chair with the Sun emblazened on it
>which you assume is Celestia's
>the wizard himself takes a place at your right hoof
<"Your late breakfast should be out momentarily."
>sure enough, monocled servants come rushing out to lay huge stacks of pancakes before you
>hot damn
>princessly etiquette is no doubt a skill you'll have to pick up someday
>but someday is not today
>you bury your fucking face in those damn pancakes
>Starswirl pulls a watch from under his cloak and checks the time
<"Ah, if you'll excuse me, I have a small errand to run."
"Yup. Have fun."
>and so, you're left alone with the pancakes
>this growing filly body you're trapped in can really pack them away
>oh yeah, just like Twilight used to make them
>Twi…light…
>the devouring stops
>everything's gone so fast today
>you never had a chance to really think about the personal consequences of what's going on
>you really seriously might never see Twilight ever again
>no, you never thought of her as a "mom"
>she never even told you that she'd done the paperwork to legally adopt you
>and no, you didn't always get along with her
>in fact, you frequently didn't
>and yet…
>there was something of a respect between you
>after the "accident," she was one of the only ones who still spoke to you like an adult
>and now she's…
>you sure do hope she gets found soon
>and then you can laugh together about the time they tried to make you a princess
<"Anonymous, I hope I'm not interrupting any profound thoughts."
>Starswirl trots into the room and drops a newspaper in front of you
<"I brought you something. It's your first appearance in the papers."
>the paper is the Canterlot Chronicle
>its front-page story?
>"MY LITTLE PRINCESS CAN'T BE A RACIST ALIEN," by Rhyme Broderick
>you fling the thing off of the table
"Those dog-fuckers!"
>great, rocking belly laughs thunder from beyond the door to the great hall
^"You were right, Starswirl, she is a foul-mouthed wee princess!"
>Starswirl grins as a huge, teal earth stallion with a red beard canters into the hall
<"Princess Anonymous, I'd like you to meet my dear friend Rockhoof. He's here to help with one of the most important parts of your education."
^"Pleased tae make yar acquaintance."
"H-hi. What exactly is a mythical hero who I didn't think really existed here to help me with again?"
^"Hah! Becomin' an alicorn, of course!"
"Oh. Sure."
>oh
>fuck