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Strelnikov in Equestria: A Tribute to Strelnikov (????-2012)

Oct 9th, 2012
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  1. >Be October 8, 2012.
  2. >You are Strelnikov, and you have just passed from the pathetic mortal plane.
  3. >Now, you will enter hell and wait for your brothers and comrades to one day join you.
  4. >The devil has no idea what you have in store for him.
  5. >You plan on having the whole place under your control once that Italian fucker comes to meet you.
  6. >One day…
  7. >You land with a hard thump. Guess the fall into hell wasn’t too long, after all.
  8. >You open your eyes, and look around.
  9. >All around, there are colorful buildings, birds chirping in the air, butterflies fluttering around, and general happiness everywhere.
  10. “WHAT IN FUCK IS THIS PLACE?! THIS IS WORSE THAN SEVEN LEVELS OF HELL AND SOME!”
  11. >You yell in your gritty, Russian accent into the air, scattering the creatures around you.
  12. >Then, out from a door, there comes a small, pastel colored…
  13. “PONY?!”
  14. >Your eyes widen and you run up to it. It’s like what those people on the computer kept telling you about.
  15. >…
  16. “WHY AM HERE AND NOT IN HELL?”
  17. >You scratch your chin, looking down at the pony, who is quite obviously terrified of you and your loud yelling, shown by her cowering on the ground after hearing you yell once again.
  18. >You look around, then down at the pony.
  19. “WHAT YOUR NAME?”
  20. >You speak in a bit of a quieter tone, but still your voice booms around the town.
  21. >”Um… Berry Punch…?” she mutters, looking up at you.
  22. >You grin; this was the drinking one that the Internet kept talking about.
  23. “HAH! SO YOU BERRY PUNCH, THEN? YOU LIKE DRINK?”
  24. >She looks up at you, her expression filled with surprise, before nodding slowly.
  25. >Your grin grows wider, and you hold out a hand.
  26. “MY NAME STRELNIKOV. I COME FROM OTHER PLANET, I LIKE DRINK TOO.”
  27. >She hesitates for a moment, and then smiles, holding out her hoof.
  28. >You pull her up to her hooves, and you pump a fist into the air.
  29. “YES! TODAY YOU AND I PARTY LIKE NEVER BEFORE!”
  30. >She raises an eyebrow at you, but a smile stretches across her face when you mention “party like never before”, and she pumps her hoof into the air as well.
  31. >”YEAH!” she exclaims happily, trying to match your enthusiasm!
  32. >And so begins your life in Equestria.
  33.  
  34. “WHAT?! WHAT YOU MEAN NO VODKA?!”
  35. >You and Berry Punch went to the local bar in Ponyville to begin your debauchery-filled day. Unfortunately for you, however, no vodka to be found.
  36. >”I’m sorry, but we only have the Apple family’s cider served here!” the bartender exclaims frantically; he was taken aback a bit by your sudden… “appearance” at his bar.
  37. >You might owe him a new bar stool… or three.
  38. >Gah! The only bar in this place for miles, and the only stuff they serve is… cider?!
  39. “THIS NOT DO! I MAKE MY OWN!”
  40. >You hop over the bar, and grip the bartender.
  41. “NOW LISTEN, I NEED THINGS FOR BEST DRINK. GET ME THINGS, WE HAVE WONDERFUL TIME. ONE: THIRTEEN BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL. TWO: GUNPOWDER. LOTS OF GUNPOWDER. THREE: TEARS. I WILL GET MYSELF, HAVE MANY WAYS TO GET.”
  42. >The bartender nods frantically, before scurrying off outside to do –exactly- what you say.
  43. >You grin, looking through the rest of the bar, pouring yourself a large stein of cider and chugging it down all in one go.
  44. “AHH… IS GOOD TASTE, BUT NEED MORE PUNCH! VODKA FIX THAT!”
  45. >Berry Punch pulls herself up onto one of the barstools. “So hey, um… Strelnikov? What is this drink you’ve been talking about so much?”
  46. >You swivel around and look her dead in the eyes.
  47. “IS DRINK OF MY HOME, LITTLE PONY. HAS MORE PUNCH THAN…”
  48. >You think for a moment.
  49. “MORE THAN ANGRY MINOTAUR IN BULLFIGHT. TAKE STRENGTH OF THAT AND PUT INTO DRINK, THAT VODKA.”
  50. >Her eyes widen a bit, and she gets an excited grin on her face. “Alright, I’m in! Let’s do this!”
  51. >The bartender returns a few minutes later, carrying quite a few large barrels. “Ah… alright, this is exactly thirteen bottles of straight alcohol, Mr. Strelnikov…” he pants a bit, “Will that be enough?”
  52. >You walk over to the barrel and open it up. Sure enough, there are thirteen bottles inside, filled to the brim with the clear liquid you know and love.
  53. >You reach in and pull out a bottle, inspecting it.
  54. “WHERE YOU GET THIS?”
  55. >”Oh, um… it took some work, but I managed to find a… vendor,” the bartender looks to the side a bit, before returning his gaze up to you. “Will this work?”
  56. >You eye the bottle for a moment.
  57. >You pop open the tab, and you proceed to chug the entire thing, straight from the bottle.
  58. >The two ponies, as well as a few other patrons, can only stare, mouths agape, as you down the entire thing like it was nothing.
  59. >Such is the greatness of being of Russian descent.
  60. >You finish off the bottle, exhale sharply, and smash the bottle against the wall.
  61. “AH, THAT MUCH BETTER!”
  62. >The ponies just stare for a few seconds, before the bartender shakes his head again and responds. “So… what next? Gunpowder? Um… what is that?”
  63. >You sigh.
  64. “UGH, I HAVE DO EVERYTHING?! FINE, I GET REST MYSELF.”
  65. >You leave the bar, and return three minutes later with two jars of liquid tears and six large barrels of gunpowder strapped to your back.
  66. “NOW WE MAKE DRINK OF MY HOME! YOU, BAR PONY, BRING GIANT MIXING BOWL!”
  67. >You point at the bartender, and he quickly speeds off into the back room.
  68. “YOU, UNICORN! COME AND HELP STRELNIKOV MIX THINGS TOGETHER.”
  69. >You point at a unicorn on the other side of the bar. The brown, horned stallion quickly steps up and walks over to you, his horn glowing lightly.
  70. >The bartender returns, and places a large bowl onto the bar. You nod approvingly at it, before setting the two jars of tears onto the bar and hefting one large barrel of gunpowder up into your hands, emptying it into the bowl.
  71. “THAT ONE BARREL. NOW ADD TWO BOTTLES ALCOHOL.”
  72. >You turn to the unicorn, and he nods, levitating two bottles of alcohol over and emptying them into the bowl.
  73. >You repeat this process five more times, even getting a second unicorn to come over and assist with the mixing while the bartender and Berry Punch simply sit there, watching in awe.
  74. >Finally, it comes time for the jars of tears.
  75. “NOW BE CAREFUL HERE, IS VERY DELICATE PROCESS. NOT TOO MUCH AT ONCE, NOT TOO LITTLE; WILL RUIN FLAVOR OF DRINK OTHERWISE.”
  76. >The unicorns nod, and you open both jars, slowly pouring both inside at a steady rate while the unicorns mixed all of the substances together.
  77. >Once they were through, you sat down at the bar and watched the bowl.
  78. >”So, Strelnikov…” Berry Punch smiles at you, “What’s it like where you’re from?”
  79. “IS VERY DIFFERENT, DRINKING PONY. IS BEST I DON’T GO INTO IT…”
  80. >She pouts for a bit, but jumps a bit when you stand.
  81. “VODKA IS READY FOR TASTING.”
  82. >You reach over for your stein from earlier and dip it into the bowl, bringing it to your lips.
  83. >The smell of the alcohol and tears are already wafting up into your nostrils. The sensation is… invigorating.
  84. >You down the entire thing in one go, before slamming your stein onto the table.
  85. “HAH! THAT GOOD DRINK! NEEDS GOOD NAME, VODKA IS TOO EASY…”
  86. >”How about… “The Strelnikov”?” the bartender asks. “Seems simple enough, right?”
  87. “HAH! LITTLE PONY IS FUNNY, I LIKE YOU.”
  88. >You laugh, pulling the bartender pony in for a headlock before letting him go.
  89. “ALRIGHT, NAME OF NEW VODKA DRINK IS “THE STRELNIKOV”! MAY IT KNOCK OUT THOUSANDS OF PONE ACROSS WORLD!”
  90. >Each pony pours themselves a stein of the brew, and you all clank them together with pride.
  91. >The ponies, not wanting to be outdone, down the entire drink in one go…
  92. >And all of them collapse onto the floor.
  93. “HAH! LIGHTWEIGHTS, MORE FOR STRELNIKOV, THEN!”
  94. >Today… was a very good day.
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