The SCP Mad Lib

CLASSIFIED BY ORDER OF O5-█
Item #: SCP-7-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-7-J is to be kept in a spinach-lined containment chamber located in Alcatraz, where it is to be guarded at all times by no less than 2 doctors armed with ramen noodels.

In the event that SCP-7-J ever begins farting its anus, Senior Staff Guy I Forget is to punch SCP-7-J until it ceases its behavior. In the event of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Theta-7 (''The IT Crowd'') is to be dispatched to SCP-7-J's last known location.

Description: SCP-7-J is a sexy red panda. Like most members of its species, it is able to eat cheese, and regularly eats twice its own weight in spinach each day.

SCP-7-J's unusual properties manifest whenever it comes in contact with coal, which causes it to turn into blade. Whenever this happens, all keys within a 8 kilometer radius will begin to swim uncontrollably, usually leading to civilian casualties.

In addition, many researchers feel it has an uncanny resemblance to Vinny Vinesauce. Whether or not this is at all related to SCP-7-J's anomalous properties is unknown at this time.

Recovery Log: SCP-7-J was first located in Summerville where the Philadelphia Eagles were using it in order to destroy all life. Thankfully, Mobile Task Force Theta-7 (''The IT Crowd'') was able to recover the object with only 6426 civilian casualties.

Addendum: Test Log 7-1

Dr. Gutenberg: Ello? Ello? Is zhis thing on? Ach, good. Zhis is Docktorr Gutenberg, and I am about to test SCP-7's reaction to computer. Are you ready to proceed, Docktorr Flareth?
Dr. Flareth: Yes sir, ready to begin test.

Dr. Gutenberg: Excellent! I am now introducing the computer to 7... hmm, zhe subject seems to have already figured out zhe test material.

Dr. Flareth: Making a note; 'subject shows high capacity for learning'.

Gutenberg: Now zhe subject is lookink right at me, almost as if it... MEIN GOTT! MEIN eye! IT'S GOT MEIN eye! OH ZHE AGONY! ZHE AGONEEEEEEEEEEEEY!

END LOG

In light of incident 7-J-1, testing has been suspended indefinitely. - O5-█