Dulls puns 2018-06-15

Audino any more good puns#A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.#The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.#I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!#Santa Delibirds gifts#Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.#Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.#About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.#Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.#There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.#My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.#One of the best drinking game rules I have ever heard was you had to say a Pokemon name in every sentence. Farfetched right?#The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"#I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.#Puns this good were certainly Onix-pected#I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.#Heard about the drug addict fisherman who accidentally caught a duck? Now he's hooked on the quack.#What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.#I think I Fraxured my funny bone.#Don't let life get you a little Gloom#I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.#The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.#Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.#I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.#A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.#If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.#What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.#Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.#I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.#Let me Raichu some puns.#I'm changing my name to 'Benefits' on Facebook. Next time someone adds me, It will say "you are now friends with Benefits."#What do you call a snake that studies past events? A hissssstorian#I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.#Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.#I tried to catch some fog, I mist.#What did Cid say when he found out his wife was pregnant with his first child? "Oh, Brother!"#How much does the Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood BDs cost? An arm and a leg#What's a pirate's favourite pokemon? Gengarrr!#My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.#I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.#I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.#This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.#A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.#Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.#I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.#How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#Did you hear about the man who got killed by a bear? It was a grizzly death.#Why is it okay for Yuna to put her elbows on the table and chew with her mouth open during dinner? Because law only requires her to have Summoners.#What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.#Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.#Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.#An untalented gymast walks into a bar.#The cow says "moo". The duck says "quack". The cat says "meow" and the dog says "EdWaRd..."#what do you call an anniversary that happens in may? An Anni-may#These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.#The cat took up computer lessons in hopes of mastering its grip on a mouse.#The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.#Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.#I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.#My favourite anime, Deaf Note, is about young Beethoven facing the infamous Mozart in a battle of music.#Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who visited 30 different countries and spoke 6 languages? He was a man of many cultures.#Could you call me on my Phione?#What did Tidus's dad say to his mom when he was born? "Sorry, honey! Gotta Jecht!"#What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.#Why couldn't Tidus get along with his father? He lacked the sin-ergy.#My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.#That Ghastly smell is coming from the toilet#I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.#I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.#I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.#Wife: "You're addicted to skin lotion!" Husband: "Go ahead. Rub it in my face."#There's an anime about Okabe useing a washing machine to send clothes to the past. It's called Stains;Gate.#Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.#I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.#A fish's favourite saying is carpe diem.#What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.#The shovel was a ground breaking invention.#Why did Tidus and party journey to Guadosalam? So they could Seymour Guado.#Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.#These puns have my Seel of approval#England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool#These puns have left me Wheezing with laughter#The earth's rotation really makes my day.#I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.#My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.#Why couldn't Yuna summon her aeons? She lacked Fayth.#Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.#How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.#I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.#Never make fun of a Scotsman's traditional garb. You could get kilt that way.#Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!#What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.#I make bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon#What does a house wear? A dress.#People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.#The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar.#Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.#How does Lee finish putting on his suit? With his Tie-jutsu...#A guy goes to a club; the bouncer stops him. "No tie, no entry." He walks back to his car to find a tie. All he found were jumper cables so he puts them around his neck like a tie. He goes back and says "How's this?" The bouncer says "I'll let you in, but don't start anything."#Why did the Maesters need glasses? So they could Seymour.#I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.#Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel.#What do fish use to make telephone calls? – A shell-phone!#Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!#What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.#Get back to work. Don't Slakoth!#I'm not gonna Raichu a love song#What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.#I haven't heard a pun in Mawhile#Why do people in Spira use fish instead of money for currency? Because everything is bought with gil.#The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.#What do the Al-Bhed do with ancient machina? Rikku-struct them#I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.#Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!#Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.#Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.#Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.#What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.#Your mama’s so FAT she can’t save files bigger than 4GB.#Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.#Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.#The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.#Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.#Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?#Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.#Why are chocobos used for investigations? They're good at making in-KWEH-ries.#Where do the people of Spira learn to summon Aeons? The Yunaversity#Why are the Al-Bhed misunderstood? People think they are wanting to make war when they would rather be machina pun instead.#This is an Absol-utely brilliant idea#Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.#What is an Al-Bhed's favorite baked good? Un-Yevon-ed bread.#That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.#The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.#Never gonna let Mew down#What do you mean June is over? Julying.#He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.#My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"#I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.#The plot twist in the movie Oriental Fish-press was a red herring all along.#I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.#A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."#What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.#How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.#Several states were delighted by the solar eclipse.#Why is Kimahri usually silent? He tends to find that nothing needs to Besaid.#What's a sailor's favorite meal? Fish and ships.#What kind of bears dissolve in water? Polar bears.#If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.#A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.#Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.#My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.#Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.#I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.#What's a time traveler's favourite game? A Link to the Past#What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!#Pig puns are so boaring.#How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.#I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.#I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.#What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!#The best time to open a gift is the present.#What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!#If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?#What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.#How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.#What did the girl say when she was accused of singing in class? "It's not me! It's hymn!"#Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.#How did Wakka go about naming his Blitzball team? He asked if they wanted paper, scissors, Auroch.#How do mountains see? They peak.#Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.#A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."#If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.#The apple crossed the street because he wanted to get to the other cider the road.#Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.#I named my goldfish Einstein. He's a great finker.#How do trees access the internet? They log on.#Although I like hard rock, sometimes I want to listen to Solrock#Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just couldn't put it down.#"It sucks working from home today." Peter (52), Fireman#Kakuna Rattata, what a wonderful phrase. It means no worries Forretress of your days#After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.#I turn on my Charmander pants come right off#What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year's Eve? He got 12 months!#Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.#Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!#A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.#What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.#These puns raised Mesprit a bit#Why are the Ronso fans of the United States? Because they are Yenke Doodle Dandys!#What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe#What do you call a young musician? A minor.#Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.#I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.#I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.#I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!#I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.#What did Hashirama say to Madara? Did you get the messages I senju.#Why don't programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.#Why did the Al-Bhed dig a giant pit around their home and fill it with water? They wanted a Bikanel.#We probably won't find any new puns, people already Rotom all.#What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.#My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized.#Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"#Why were other people against Issaru having his younger brother as a guardian? Because that trend was so Pacce.#My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.#I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.#It's a lengthy article on Japanese Sword Fighters but I can Samurais it for you.#I decided not to go to Pisa, but I was leaning towards it.#The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.#Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.#You will address me as "Sir", because Omanyte of the round table#My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.#I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.#I cannot Bayleef it is not butter! Guess that means it's Butterfree.#How did I escape Iraq? Iran.#I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.#A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.#A cell ran into the end table and yelled "mytoechondria!"#I Marill bad judge of puns#The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.#She asked Furret.#What room has no floors, no ceiling and no walls? A mushroom!#My favourite travel destination is Paras#Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.#The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor#Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!#Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!#These puns have made my mind Exploud#People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.#My computer is so slow it hertz.#A good meteor shower can really rock your world.#What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.#Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.#A backwards poem writes inverse.#I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.#The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.#The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.#I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.#As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into a glass. Just wanted to make that clear.#The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.#Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.#I still had some Snubbull after shaving#What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire? Frost bite.#When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.#How do mountains see? They peak.#Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.#If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila envelope.#After visiting the pyramids, I've been cursed by the Fearow#Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.#I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.#After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.#What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.#Making fun of a tree is a knock on wood.#Dunsparce's evolution should be named Dunplenty#I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.#Have you seen the story of Braska's journey through the spheres Jecht left behind? It "shapes" up real nicely.#When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.#I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.#In order to talk to a viking you need to know Norse code.#Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.#The chicken knew the first leg of his trip would take him to Buffalo. From there he would wing it.#When computer programmers are hungry they take mega-bites.#My idea for a hovercraft robot vacuum cleaner never really took off.#If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"#Why are fish so smart? – Because they live in schools!#My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.#I sat next to a man on the park bench. He had 9 watches on one wrist and 5 in the other. I said man "you sure do have a lot of time on your hands."#R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.#Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.#Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.#What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.#I don't know any puns I Giratina#Is he wearing Abra?#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#This stream never makes me Drowzee#Are you sick? I heard you Koffing from the other room#So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!#When your internet provider goes bankrupt it's a 'net loss.#Who is Fozzie Bear's favorite FFX character? Wakka Wakka!#How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.#What did Yuna say when Wakka asked her to heal him of poison? "I'll take care of it Esuna-s possible."#Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.#I, for one, like Roman numerals.#To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.#Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#What is the difference between a living and a dead Spiran? Why ask me, the difference is Farplane to see.#I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.#I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.#I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.#Whiteboards ... are remarkable.#If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?#I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.#If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.#Why are pigs so bad at soccer?  They are always hogging the ball!