GIVE ME TEN RP

Trevale was a region that sat a bit too far from the borders for most Demacians' comfort, but Poppy knew she wasn't going to find the Hero of Demacia by digging in her backyard. The hammer dragged behind her. It was heavy, but not nearly as heavy as the burden it placed on her. Poppy broadened her shoulders and took a deep breath. If finding the hero was easy, it wouldn't be worth doing. As she maneuvered the bottom of the rocky hillsides and finally found her footing, a giant lizard emerged from behind a stone and clambered atop it. Poppy might have mistaken it for a chicken if it weren't for its bright orange scales and the mesmerizing folds of skin running down its long, long, long neck. She almost didn't notice the saddle on its back, or the yordle on its saddle.
"Yer on my property."
Poppy tilted her head. While it wasn't impossible for Bandle City to be nearby, the mood didn't seem right for it. Did he mean property here? On human soil? "Don't worry," she said. "I'm just passing through."
The yordle snarled, revealing his sharp teeth. A scar ran down one side of his face. Was it a coincidence that it was the same size and shape as the sharp end of that axe he carried?  "The only way you're passin' is right where you came from. Go on, now. Git."
"I've got somewhere to be," Poppy said.
"And that's off my property. Now evacuate the premises - " he pronounced none of those words correctly - "or I'm gonna have to evacuate your bowels, with my axe, down your gut, all violent-like, y'hear?"
Poppy stiffened her lips and gripped the handle of her hammer. "I don't appreciate being talked to that way."
"And I don't appreciate TALKIN'! GET HER, SKAARL!"
The yordle dug his heels into the lizard's sides. The lizard squealed and charged towards Poppy, its tongue flopping around and hitting itself in the eyes. Poppy shook her head. I'm hundreds of years old but even I don't have time for this. She held the hammer out for the lizard to trip over it, and then swung to hit it on its tail-end before it hit the ground. The lizard yelped in pain. The yordle was shaken off of his saddle as the lizard ran towards the distance, squeaking all the while.
"What the hell- Skaarl! You yellow bellied-" The yordle tore at his fur. "Come back here so I can kill you!"
"I don't think that's gonna work," Poppy said.
"Does it look like I give a possum's sweet puckered ass what you think?" the yordle spat at her. "Do you even know who I am?" Before Poppy could respond, the yordle screamed, "I'm Major Admiral High Command Sergeant Very Model of a Perfect Major General Annoyance of the Third Degree Culinary School of Human Resource Registration and Rectal Re-construction!" When Poppy shrugged, the yordle added, "Damn it, I'm Kled! And I... I..." Red rose through his fur. "I'M GONNA KILL YA!"
Kled ran at Poppy and hit a wall. Or rather, he hit a golden glow that shimmered in the air around Poppy and then vanished into the air. Kled blinked, and then he blinked even harder. "What was that?"
"I don't really know honestly," Poppy said. "It comes up when I don't feel like fighting. I think it's magic? Or something to do with this hammer? All I know is it's handy."
Kled's face sunk with confusion. His eyes shifted back and forth like he's reading a giant blackboard covered with a difficult math equation and the whole school was waiting for him to solve it - in the nude. "That ain't regular magic. No sir that's willpower. Ain't felt nothin' like that since..." Kled shook his head and pushed himself to his feet. "Don't think this is over. The moment I find Skaarl I'm comin' right back and feedin' the weeds here with the full circumference of yer asshole. Just wait right here."
"I thought you wanted me off your property?"
"I said wait right here so I can kill you! Is that so damn unreasonable?!" As Kled scrambled up a hill in search of his lizard, Poppy could hear him huff the word 'Women!' in abject frustration.
---
There was farmland that barely survived in Trevale. Although they were Noxian, their proximity to Demacia's borders meant that often they needed to reluctantly trade with the enemy to avoid starving in the winter. Traveling here was difficult in more ways than one. But as Poppy noticed the cow carcasses that scattered the grass with increasing frequency, she began to suspect that fresh trouble was brewing. A human farmer beckoned to her in his carriage. "What are you doin' over there, ma'am?" the farmer cried. Poppy had to remember that humans saw her as an old human lady, which is fine; this quest made her feel like an old lady too. "It's dangerous even for us young'uns to wander alone."
"Is something going on?"
"Get in this cart and I'll tell you."
When Poppy climbed aboard, the farmer started to tell her about how the farmers' animals were mysteriously dying to some violent creature. It would appear in the night and gouge their eyes out. "Some figure it's one of them Demacian mages what ran from their country. Driven mad. As usual." The farmer did little to hide his disdain. "Too much to ask 'em to keep their troubles to themselves, I reckon. But no. I think that's too common for what happened here. The wounds are all too clean. Too purposeful."
I guess we can rule out the furry creature on a lizard, Poppy thought. "Can you take me to the last place it struck?"
"Oh, no, ma'am, I can't do that to you!" the farmer said.  "I can take you to town where it's safe and no further."
---
The town consisted of a strip of buildings in two rows, most of which were shops and one of which was a saloon. When the farmer dropped Poppy off, he tried to help carry her hammer for her, only to drop to the ground like a stone. Poppy picked the hammer off of him before his back broke and skittered to the saloon, leaving a string of apologies behind her.
On entering the saloon, a mug of ale struck the walls above Poppy's head.
"Dagnabbit! Don't you know who I am?"
Oh goodness no.
"Master Kled, if you don't have coin, I can't give you more ale," the bartender said sternly. "I gave you enough out of pity already."
"I don't need this trash! I can make mushroom juice like-" Kled wobbled as he struggled to join his thumb with his fingers. Triumphantly, he managed to make them snap. "THAT! All I need is my lizard to sniff 'em out and..." Kled's eyes watered. "Skaarl! Where the hell are you, you ugly bitch? I hate you! I love you! I HATE you!"
"I think his wife left him," the bartender told Poppy as she sat down.
"I ain't got no triflin' wifey!" Kled slammed his paws on the bar. "I got one, bright, shinin' light in this world and it's- she's- she's? It's?" He hiccupped. How drunk did he get? "I don't need your swill to cope! I just prefer it! Now hand it over you fat cow!"
"I can escort him out if he's too much trouble," Poppy offered.
It appeared Kled hadn't noticed her until just then; his head spun angrily towards her. "You!"
Poppy grabbed Kled's limp, drunken body under one arm and wondered how they ridiculous looked through human eyes. "Isn't it time we got you home to put your sober pants back on?" Kled sunk his teeth into Poppy's armor. "I'm taking that as a yes."
---
Grassland stretched out in front of them as the pair of yordles left town. Poppy figured it was best to get Kled as far away from other people as possible. A blue sea twinkled in the distance. I wonder if I'll ever have to cross it to find the Hero. Poppy's ruminations were interrupted by Kled's snores; as he passed in and out of sleep, Poppy began to recognize what his snores meant, and the loud obnoxious ones meant he was wide awake. "I'm still not going to drop you until you promise not to kill me."
"You ain't worth my word!"
Poppy rolled her eyes. "What if I helped you find your lizard?"
"You ain't takin' her like you're tryin' to take my property! Which you also ain't takin'!"
"I don't CARE about your property, ok?" Poppy said, exasperated.  "I've got greater concerns."
"Ain't nothin' greater than home."
"That's... yeah," Poppy said. "I can't say 'No' to that."
"You really gon' help me find Skaarl?"
"You seem like you care about her a lot, so, sure."
Poppy lowered Kled to his feet. They continued walking through the grasslands quietly, with Kled cutting into the silence by muttering to himself about mushroom juice and how much Poppy should watch her back once they find Skaarl because, ooh, she's gon' have it comin' to her but better not let her know, keep those thoughts to yourself, Kled, don't let her know, she and that big ol' hammer of hers, what's with that hammer anyhow, swear I saw it before, is that Demacian? Looks Demacian, I should ask her about that.
"Yeah, it's Demacian," Poppy said.
"What in sweet hell did you go and read my mind-" Kled shook his head. "So, uh, Demacian, huh? Don't seem like a place for yordles to be."
"I'm not like other yordles. Besides, they can't tell."
"They'd kill you if they could. They hate magic, don't they?"
"It wasn't always like that!" Poppy stammered. "And, I mean. Can you blame them? Humans aren't like us, they can't help what they're scared of. They're still good people." Poppy shifted the weight of the hammer by her side. "And good friends."
Kled scoffed. "That's the thing about Noxus. I don't got to justify nothin' like you do. The only roots I care about are the ones beneath my feet."
"And Skaarl."
Kled wrinkled his snout. "Y'ever cut into my sentence like that one more time and I'mma cut in yer neck, got it?"
"Yeah, yeah."
---
"But if the hammer's magic, and everyone there hates magic, how you ever gon' find someone who'll take it?"
It was a mistake to describe her mission to Kled, but you've got to live with your mistakes, Poppy thought. Lizard tracks had led the yordles to a cavern by the foot of the Argent Mountains. They had agreed to share a campfire after Kled insisted on making his own, striking two rocks together, and then rolling around in the dirt to extinguish the flames that had suddenly caught on to his fur "Maybe that's something the Hero can change, I don't know, it's up to them."
Kled squeezed the last of the ash from his chin. "Why's it got to be up to them? You got the hammer already. Ain't nothin' stoppin' you from knockin' some sense into 'em."
"It's not my place."
"That's what they said when I settled into my property. A few dead bodies later and who's left to tell me what's my place and what ain't? Now I know you got your-" Kled waved both his hands, "-morals and what not. But that's exactly it. You can be the one standin' up for what you think is right. You just got to fight for it like you fight for everything else."
Poppy side-eyed Kled. "I'm not sure if I should be taking advice from a yordle who spent an hour calling his flintstones a pair of saucy prostitutes."
"Now don't that sound mighty closeminded of you?"
Poppy's eyes widened. "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry-"
"Now why you apologizin'? You're exactly right to say what you did! I'm a damn mess! You got to stand by that. Put more worth in what you say and what you do. They'll say you're selfish and you'll say, shut up, what do you know, you're dead, I killed you, stupid idiot."
A squawk rang through the cavern.
"I know I'm right, thank you for agreein' with-" Kled stopped midsentence. He hopped to his feet. "That was Skaarl! He's here! He's scared shitless!"
"Is he in trouble?"
"No, he's always scared shitless!" Kled cupped his hands and yelled, "Skaarl! Skaarl, I'm over here, girl! Git your ass shakin' towards my voice c'mon now c'mon Skaarl!"
The tapping of claws grew louder as Skaarl emerged from the cavern's depths, closely followed by a bright ray of purple plasma melting the ground behind it.
"Crap in a sack what the hell is that?!"
A monster floated out of the darkness. Its massive eyeball examined the two yordles and the reunited lizard. Words fizzled through the air like a nightmare. [RESILIENT LIFEFORM ELUDES EXAMINATION]. The words rung in Poppy's ears as the monster got nearer. [NORMAL LEVELS OF DISINTEGRATION: INSUFFICIENT. RECOMMENDATION: MORE DISINTEGRATION.] It turned its eye towards Kled, who was busy trying to keep Skaarl in line - but Skaarl was panicking too much, it twisted away from Kled and ran towards the cavern exit.
[YOUR CHANCES OF ESCAPE WILL BE REDUCED TO A FIGURE CLOSER TO ZERO IF I CHOOSE TO BLOCK YOUR PATH.]
The monster unleashed a beam of plasma towards the ceiling, causing rocks to fall and block them all in. "We're trapped!" Poppy yelled.
"OH? ARE YOU SURE??" Kled screamed. "I COULDN'T FREAKIN' FRACKIN' TELL!!"
[RARE TRANSDIMENSIONAL BEINGS: DETECTED. RARE LOCAL MAGIC DEVICE: DETECTED. RECOMMENDATION: PERFORM AN AUTOPSY. ADDEMENDUM: WITH DISINTEGRATION.]
"ADDEMA- ADDEMIN- ADDERAMA-" Kled's blood surged through his body. "ADDAMY ASS THIS YOU CREEPY CRAWLY VARMINT!" Kled swung his axe above his head. "CHAAAAAAAARGE!" Alone and with nothing but his two feet, Kled ran headfirst towards the monster, seemingly unaware of the purple beam that was directed towards him. Poppy jumped between them, letting her hammer catch the purple ray and knocking the two yordles into the ground. "GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
"Not if you're going to kill yourself! Use your brain!"
"AIN'T NOTHIN' MORE DANGEROUS THAN YOUR BRAIN!" Kled lashed out. "THAT THING IS ALL BRAIN AND SEE HOW IT'S TRYIN' TO KILL US?"
"But-"
"AIN'T NO BUTS BUT FRUITS AND NUTS! YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"
It wasn't any use. Kled pushed Poppy aside and charged at the monster, taking the full brunt of its beam in his chest. He landed near Skaarl. Despite the burning hole in his clothes, Kled was laughing. "IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?" Skaarl watched attentively as Kled got back on his feet. Although Kled's knees were shaking, his grin was wide and sharp and steady. "I'M MAJOR CORPOREAL SERGEANT PRIVATE SIDEARM GENERAL MALFEASANCE OF THE FIFTH DYNASTY CORP! AND! YOU! WILL! RESPECT! MY AUTHORITY!"
This time, when Kled ran, it was with Skaarl tredding behind him. Poppy watched wordlessly as the lizard scooped Kled up and placed him on its saddle.
[YOUR CHANCES OF SURVIVAL HAVE BEEN RAPIDLY DECREASING WITH EVERY DECISION YOU TAKE. UNUSUAL.]
The monster vibrated, its tentacles undulating rapidly as a light fired up within its iris. Poppy felt it in her bones; not even this absolute maniac of a yordle can live through what's coming next! But with Kled demanding so much of the monster's focus, maybe this is my one chance...! Poppy lifted her hammer and concentrated all her energy. With a mighty swing, a magical golden light burst from the ground and slammed into the monster, sending it careening through the cavern walls.
Kled and Skaarl did not seem to notice the monster's absence; they crashed right into Poppy, knocking them all unconscious.
---
Fortunately, the rubble formed a ramp that led directly to the hole in the wall that Poppy created, allowing the trio to climb out despite the heavy headaches they all woke up with. "And you tellin' me you're giving that hammer up to someone else? After what you just did with it? Shoot," Kled said. "That's foolish."
"Hey, I did just save our lives, ok?" Poppy said.
"You're right. I should repay you... BY GETTIN' YOU OFF MY PROPERTY!"
Kled clambered down from Skaarl and then pointed down the road.
"Just take a right down there road and keep goin' further til you hit a fork, then turn left. You'll make it off my property in no time."
"Oh. Thanks."
"No problem. NOW GIT."