being a princess sucks

The dawn of her 12th birthday created knots in Lilah's stomach.

They were usually times for celebration, times for fun. Sophie always liked taking her out to the sea for a beach party or out shopping or even on plane rides! It was a time for adventure and exploration, not sitting around and chanting "Happy Birthday!" around a giant cake! Well, they'd do that at the end of the day, but it shouldn't be the highlight!

This time? There were no parties, no celebrations. Instead of the company of her godsister, she was surrounded by nobles, with their stupid gold teeth, their stupidly expensive clothes, their haughty attitude, and uuuurgh, they were just so annoying! They told her that she was old enough to be wed to other princes ("I can't marry princesses?" "Of course not! That would be very unbecoming of you, would it not?" ), that she had to give up her adventures, that she had to give up all her tools and steel for dolls and the company of other noble girls.

And every day after that, they began to teach her how to become a proper princess, locking away her tools and wand so she didn't sneak out under their watch. Learning to curtsey in just the right way, how to become soft-spoken, how to hold a tea cup properly... All these snooty noble things just made her madder and madder with each passing day. She didn't mind the lessons about war and geography and history; she needed to know that anyway, and at least her teachers made it sound interesting. All those things about manners, though? Forget about it!

She was kept away from her friends, forced to make due with the girls at tea. They were so insufferable, talking about which rich boy they wanted to marry and how they would never, never, ever dream of marrying anybody with even a drop of peasant blood, talking about the upcoming balls and blah blah blah. If she even tried talking about her adventures, they would give nasty glares and scoff at her tomboyish ways. "A princess shouldn't be going out on adventures," one of them said after she recalled a time where she went and beat up an incubus. "After all, isn't it the knight's job to do all the monster slaying, and the princess's job to stay at home? Wouldn't that just ruin your chances of getting any man to like you?"

 "I don't need one to like me if they want someone to sit on their lazy butts and not do anything when their own kingdom is suffering!" Lilah snapped in response. "And I don't need someone else telling me who'll like me and who won't! I'm tired of people trying to mold my life!" She bolted out of the room, unable to handle their callous attitude no longer. She zipped past the nobles and headed towards the room where they locked her stuff in, then ate the parfait that sat on her head. She didn't grow in size this time, but she punched the door with enough force to send it flying. She quickly gathered all her beloved tools and her magic wand before escaping through the window, leaving her precious family and kingdom behind for the world below.

She ran and she ran and she ran, ran until she reached a portal to Relgion. Ran until the landscape became familiar to her. Ran until she reached the ever-looming manor, where a certain someone was gazing up at the night sky.

 She did not wait until he noticed her; she charged right at him and wept into his arms.

 "Gluttony, I missed you!" she cried. "It was very lonely back home and it was my birthday a few days ago and then nobles started this princess training thing and it was stupid and-"

 Lilah rattled on and on about her horrible experiences until her voice was hoarse and her eyes red from crying so hard. When she was done, she asked, "Will I ever be a good princess now, without all that stupid training?"

 And the demon replied in a voice as calm as lake waters, "I don't see why not; A princess is a princess, no matter how tomboyish or girlish they are. It just means they tackle the same issues in different ways, although some may come with a few flaws."

 "They said I won't get a guy if I act like this, though."

 "If they dislike you for who you are, they aren't guys worth keeping, anyway."

 "But can I even lead like this? I mean, I always wanted to lead an army to battle in the front lines or giving orders or something. I don't wanna sit around and make dinner or be like a trophy wife or whatever they call it! But  they were all saying that it isn't my job to lead or anything. That I'd just make mistakes that everybody else has to clean up."

 Lilah saw the demon roll his eyes before he said, "Oh, they're giving that sort of spiel again. They're forgetting that Queen Quiche calls the shots in the Cupcake Kingdom, the Techno Princess has most of the authority, and the leader of Melodia is a girl, too. Zeal had a Queen, too, and she was a pretty great queen-"

 The princess looked up at him, curiosity sparked in her heart. "Oooh, tell me! Tell me all about her! Maybe I can be like her, too!"

 Gluttony blinked in surprise before setting Lilah beside him and clearing his throat. "Well, there isn't much to it, but I'll try. This was before the kingdom fell to pieces...


Once, there was a beautiful fairy, with hair that rolled down to her waist and thighs so thick, she could probably kill a ma-"

 "Gluttony!"

 "Oops, uh, er... Anyway, she was a pretty beautiful lady, with smarts, to boot! She went and helped people wherever she went in any way possible, so I guess most nobles called her a bleeding heart. I say she just wore her heart on her shoulder. Anyway, Zeal was pretty disorganized, and after a war with demons, they decided that they needed someone to lead. Since she was the one who did a lot of the medic work when she could and spent the rest of her time strategizing ways to deal with the enemy, they thought she would be the best to lead.

She certainly didn't, though. She thought that she was as prone to mistakes as any other person, and that she could not bear it if her mistakes cost her the kingdom. Many vyed for the position of advisor to her, but she knew that most wanted to do so not to help the kingdom, but to help themselves. After all, to be advisor to the Queen meant they had influence over what happened!

She fretted and fretted over this choice, so much that she sat outside in the forest for several days, with nobody but her own thoughts to tend to.

Along came a girl much younger than the soon-to-be-Queen, and she asked, 'What could be bothering you, miss?'

And the faerie replied, 'I can't choose who to advise me when I'm about to become Queen! I'm afraid I won't be a great leader as everybody expects me to be! What can I do?'

 'Well, I'm a wandering magician,' said the young girl. 'I picked up a lot of wisdom on my travels, and I'm pretty much a walking encylopedia of knowledge. I don't know if I can help you choose, but I can at least be your friend and hear your worries out, right?'

 And of course, they became friends, writing to each other and giving each other advice when the other needed it and all. The faerie was pretty relieved after writing to her friend often and telling her of the events that happened, and even moreso when her friend's advice helped her stay out of major trouble. She even told her faerie friend about the kingdoms below, how they worked. It got to the point where they became pretty close, with no secrets between them-"

 "And they got married and loved each other forever and ever, right?" Lilah interrupted.

 The dullahan chuckled and replied, "Not quite. I'm not sure if they even liked each other quite like that. Guess you could call it pretty platonic love? Anyway, as the time for coronation was upon them, the faerie invited her magician friend over through a letter. Pretty happy time, I heard; my grandpa was a part of it and he remembered crying his head off-"

 "You have a grandpa?!?"

 "Had. Had a grandpa. That's not really important, though, Lilah! The Magician sent a reply, happy as could be, and of course she attended. The Queen was crowned, the place rejoiced, but she had an announcement to make.

 'I have decided on my advisor,' she said. 'I prefered to have someone with no conflicting interests, one who would not take advantage of my idealism to suit their own needs, and place their own needs over the needs of the kingdom. Someone who knows me as well as  know them, and has everyone's best interests at heart, with wisdom and knowledge not limited to merely our kingdom, but the kingdoms below as well.'

I can't remember the entire speech; I think she mentioned something about diplomacy as well? Either way, she picked out the magician for the advisor, which shocked just about everyone. Some got a little bloodthirsty over it, but that didn't end too well for them. The nobles clearly got their pants in a twist over it, since they couldn't push their own agendas.

 The magician was most shocked of all, and asked the Queen, 'But why me? I am just a simple magician, wandering through all the lands?' "

 Lilah puffed up her chest and put her hands on her hips as she replied proudly, "It's because she knew the Queen's flaws and can help make up for them, and the Queen could make up for her flaws, too! Like two halves of a broken cookie! No, wait, like two parts of an oreo cookie put together with frosting!"

  Gluttony went into a dreamy trance as he mumbled, "Yes, that does sound great.... maybe with milk-" He soon snapped out of it and said, "Agh, don't use food metaphors! It makes me hungry! A-anyway, you got it! And that's how the Sage tradition came to be: They were advisors to kings and queens, sworn to protect not just their kingdoms, but all of Orion, and to use their wisdom, knowledge, and power for good." A sigh escaped his lips. "Although that doesn't seem to be the case as much now, does it? They're not really expanding their knowledge beyond that of their own kingdoms, except maybe Lyrica and Techno Tammy... But I digress.

 So the moral here is that you don't have to go it alone. A trusted friend's advice can help keep you out of trouble! And honestly, you're better off as you are now; I think the world needs more active rather than passive leaders..."

 "Then Sophia can be my advisor!" Lilah squeaked with joy. "And then we'll go beat up the bad guys and make friends with dragons and- wait, maybe we'll have entire ARMY of dragons! I'll be the best princess ever!" She then gave Gluttony a great big hug and said, "You should tell me more stories about this Queen and that Sage! I mean, you didn't give enough detail, and maybe she can be my inspiration!"

She then paused for a moment, thinking about going home. The family would love to see her again, for sure... but then she'd have to deal with those snooty nobles.

 "Oh, and you can train me to be a princess! Just give me stuff about war and geography and history and everything that's important! Unlike tea parties and talking about boys to marry and stuff. "

 "Hey, tea parties are very important!" Gluttony whined. "But if you want, you're welcome to stay. You do have to go home event-"

 She tuned out all the rest as she zipped into the manor like a bullet fired out of a gun, more than eager to make herself at home.

 After all, it was the only place she was allowed to be herself, rather than be forced to be someone else.