Hello those who remember me.

I was in RoT a good portion of last year and half of 2010 (RoThalla pride since early 08 though).I was part of the community for even longer than that (extending back to the first crash war in 2007 with NH vs DF+EoH).I ended up abruptly leaving not really giving a reasonable true answer on why I had left and then randomly disappeared months later.Rumors were that I had died, but that's obviously not true.I will explain the story if anyone cares to read.If you don't, you can just exit the page and go back your SwiftKit battlestation and go farm or something.

I can't really remember the lie I made up on why I had left, but the true reason was because I had gotten myself involved in a lot of RS drama and I had given my heart to someone I met online.Things did not go as planned and I ended up being hurt very badly.At the time I was experiencing issues with my family as well.Growing up on a abusive household, I could never get a grip on living in a normal functioning family, it was just impossible due to the hatred,mental illness, and immaturity that runs through my family (the violence was extreme to the point where death threats were involved, my mother had tried hiring someone to murder my dad, and more insane shit that I could keep listing).Seeing too little of love throughout my life led me to being a not very happen child growing up and extended throughout my teens as an actual severe mood disorder.Taking the hit of what had happened through my online drama and family issues spiraled me into a hole of a major depressive episode.Not to long after, my father kicked me out on the streets (only before headbutting me in the face though and telling me to fuck off).Taking that kind of a loss at 17 isn't easy at all, especially going through what I already thought was the worst time in my life.My mother let me move in with her which was a good thing because I had no where else to go but my mother was also one of my abusers growing up, worse than my dad was even.(I just never liked admitting to that because every sweet guy is supposed to love his mom right?)

At the time, my mom lived in a place where there was nothing to really do.It was harder for me to get down to the gym which slowly killed my huge passion for fitness.Through my will though, I managed to still finish the rest of High School and earn my Nursing Assistance certification.I spent the majority of my time after graduation on the computer again since I never had close friends to hang out with in real life, let alone where she lived in the middle of no where.I decided to get my mind off my depression, I was going to join a clan again.Scared to return to RoT because I had left on negative terms and also feeling bad because the girl that I had feelings for (that at the time didn't really give a damn about me so I don't see why I let her influence me so much) was not very fond of RoT.I gave DF a try.It wasn't anything against RoT.I don't want anyone here to feel like I turned on you guys are clan hopped.If anything, I would have rather had my RoT family back.The spiraling depression and loneliness continued to get out of control leading to my first (serious) suicide attempt in June, only a day after my 18th birthday (the suicide note on DF forums rumor is true and I just ended up abandoning DF because of everything).This attempt failed, I ended up just getting really sick and told no one about the attempt, I just continued to live in the hell of nightly anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns for further months, trying to cut communication with the online female, playing DotA/LoL with my mates from #old_school and #the.bros, and living in my little Korean girl fantasy world (escapism at it's finest).None of this eased my painful thoughts though, or they at least only did for short temporary amounts of time.

Somehow, after months of avoiding conflict, I somehow managed to find myself in a un-initiated verbal conflict with that person that I wanted to just leave in my past, resulting in me saying some terrible things and her telling my to go kill myself.Being depressed and hopeless as I was, my college plans interrupted because of the hell I was going through, I decided I may as well go at it and make my second attempt.... which also failed.I don't remember much because at the ER they loaded me up with Xanax and god knows what, so my memory is very fuzzy but they ended up sending me to a Psychiatric Hospital, where I stayed a month and a half.The original stay wasn't supposed to be that long until the figured out how ill I truly was.Just so people know, when I say 'Psychiatric Hospital', I don't refer to an 'Insane Asylum' like you see on television and movies, it's just a rehabilitation/hospital like environment for people who suffer from illnesses like depression,bipolar,and schizophrenia. This month and a half is when my online friends were convinced that I had died, some even went as far as calling relatives of me to see if I was alright (Pretty sure that was Javan and Recoil <3), others also went out of their way with there own methods like Jaguarrr and Jay Jay (love you guys).It actually made me feel a little bit cared about coming out knowing that my friends like Jag,Jay Jay,Ultraprono,#old_school, and #the.bros cared enough to worry.During me time there though, it was a struggle.I was scared, never institutionalized before.Being there for so long though, I gained comfort among other patients and bonded with a lot of the Nurses and staff.I saw it as a life changing experience for me and it gave me a little bit of hope to keep living.During this time though, my mother had kicked me out while I was hospitalized (all over me telling them that black and blue marks all over my chest and neck were from my mom's boyfriend choking me out the night before I got admitted, he did all this because he said I was being a "manipulative bastard".. don't understand how that was related at all but okay...).There I was left in a hospital, homeless, at the age of 18.Nothing, no money, no anything.I felt ruined.Also still struggled with thoughts about that female, which still... I have no idea why, I didn't realize the first love of my life would be that hard to get over, especially when I lost the reasons why I fell for her in the first place.

I still spent the rest of my time at the hospital trying to maintain a positive, optimistic attitude towards everything despite how fucked up everything actually was.I met a really cute girl named Amber there, but we mutually established neither of us were in the proper state of mind for a relationship, also considering there were other complications involved, but she kind of helped me realize there are better women out there than you know who.We spent our lunches together, talked in the hallways for hours on end, skipped group therapy together to hang out, it was all fun and I can say I did have feelings for her but I wouldn't have called it love.The psyche hospital found a place for me to live in a town called State College, Pa, a group home where I pay a small amount of rent and they help supply me with food and shelter while I get stable again.Upon discharge, it hurt leaving Amber, but I didn't take it entirely too hard.I cried once or twice but that's about it.She was really something special though.

Relocating to State College and starting the journey of looking for work and getting the out-patient treatment I needed to get better with sparks of hope here and there.I eventually found work at a Retail Department store, in which I still work at as one of their more valuable employees, not quite the job I wanted though since I have the training to be a nurse aide, but I needed the money.The loneliness and depression never left me though.Gradually, living in a pompous town of dumb happy college students got to me, and I felt very out of place.Suicidal thoughts were getting worse than normal, so my doctor decided to put me away again for another 2 weeks in a different hospital.

First day there, I met someone immensely special to me named Rebeccah.I wouldn't say "love at first sight", but I for sure had a general interest at first sight and after a couple days of getting to know her, I knew she would end up meaning a lot to me.Making her my priority and my actual treatment my second priority, I spent the majority of time having her as my cuddle buddy and smooching buddy.She was wonderful, and absolutely beautiful (just because you're in institution, doesn't mean you can't find a beautiful girl there, both on the inside and the outside).

Well, I fell really hard.Talked to her for quite while.Her lesbian room mate sabotaged our relationship.Her room mate is extremely important to her and she ended up playing the "suicidal" card.Later she went off and deleted our messages between each other on the girl's phone and her facebook.She eventually ended up ending with me and getting with the passive aggressive room mate who manipulated me out of her life, and that's where I lie currently.Broken hearted from the girl I've loved the most.No other supports in my life... struggling hard.Not sure where I'll ever fit in or if I'll ever find people who will love me and stay part of my life.So I'm sort of lost and not sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go from here.

Me leaving RoT, me disappearing, me losing contact with a lot of my online friends.Please don't think I did it because of poor reasons.Things have been super hard on me and this clan meant a lot to me, and if I wasn't in hell right now... you bet I would give it another shot.

I wish you guys luck though on returning to the battlefield.
Special love shoutouts to: Ivan,Daniel,Mike,Pepe (even though you piss me off sometimes),Murs, and Cock (lol yea right).

Also special thanks to my Ex RoT pals in #old_school/#the.bros.
As well as leaders of Reign of Terror, Mattbrazil, H0z, and