i was feeling super awful today, then i had a super stressful day at work with delivering pizzas while there is a big sports event nearby (and my first customer was super rude and i react very badly to confrontation) and near the end of my shift i texted a girl from tinder with whom i occasionally hook up (but havent in ages because circumstances keep being awful) hoping for some stress relief and she was like 'sure' and then when i got back from work she cancelled because it is super stormy tonight and this burst open the floodgates. the rest of the context should be in the rant.

. I have a family of 4 adults, Myself a younger brother and two parents. Of those four individuals I am the only one who has a job. My mother is medically disabled and hasn’t been able to find work after her last job laid her off for taking too much time off, she had cancer. So the chances of her ever finding work again are pretty much nil. My father had his double life catch up to him and caught a felony and while he managed to escape jail he can’t seem to find a work either. And My brother saw what was happening to me trying to do my best Atlas impression and peaced out to Phillie. So here I am trying to keep everyone afloat with whatever social security will pay out the parents, and my own $37000 salary. Also as the doxxers know by this point I live in the NYC area so not exactly a inexpensive place to live. The most recent crisis is my father is supposed to be paying the cell bill for the him and the other 2, (I pay my own) but found himself $700 short and the phones all turned off, which isn’t exactly helping my brothers efforts in finding a job in Phillie any. So of course Its super Jherik to the rescue. Before that is was shelling out $800 in insulin so my mother could you know NOT die cause her insurance only kicks in after you’ve paid out a certain amount. It drives me crazy cause im 31 years old with a good job but im still living with my parent’s cause I’m the only thing holding them back from utter financial ruin. About the only thing I don’t pay my mother is her rent. I am hoping to get engaged by the end of the year, and escape out of this prison but I don’t see how that’s possible. I feel like im living for others instead of for myself, but at the same point I feel like I’m just being selfish and I should be glad to help out my parents even if it means putting the last 8 years and counting of my life on hold. Im tired of being superman. My wonderful GF is taking my to Disney in a week, (I didn’t have to pay for anything other than food) but even with that I can’t help feel like I shouldn’t be spending money on anything that isn’t directly supporting the family. Despite me having continuous employment my own personal savings have now fallen from close to 20,000 in 2008, to under 10K today. A recent career change should help offset that somewhat, but i still can’t shake the feeling that it just means more shit will hit the fan shortly. I want to just say fuck it all and start living my own life but how can i do that if it means my parents will end up in a homeless shelter.

I was in the military. I have been shot, stabbed and blown up. Every single time I got back up on my feet and got back to doing my job. None of that was ever as traumatic as my homelife has become. I left because I was missing birthdays and my wife had long-suffered with it quite long enough. I don't blame her for that, not even a little bit, but I miss it so much.

I've just been kind of sad the past 8 months or so. I mean to describe it I feel happiness in the certain moments, but long term or big picture I just feel sad.
And I'm so frustrated by this point. I'm so frustrated that I feel sad when I have no real reason to be. I'm graduating high school in a month, I got a scholarship to University, there's even my class' senior trip next week. When my mother asks " Are excited for your trip" I truthfully say "yes" and because it's not conveyed she replies with "oh well you don't seem like it". And that's the most frustrating thing I'm trying to be happy but I just can't achieve it. Hell, I got to go to CES this past year and in the moments there I was happy, but still felt perpetually distant or down.
My parents. I have a great relationship with them which is something I'm fortunate on considering most teenagers. Yet I get this annoying feeling in the back of my mind when I'm with them. And I can't figure out why. It's not like they're asking me things I don't want to talk about or anything like that.
I just want to feel happy again. I don't like being like this and I'm afraid it's starting to show to people. I don't think I can talk to my parents about this. I don't think they'd understand. I put this here because I'm grateful for the EVE community in my life, and this game has provided me with countless unforgettable moments. I'm trying if typing it out here helps at all, because I'll try anything at this point just to feel happy again. I don't want to be sad.

help eve im in hull your my only hope.. ):