- This whole post will be a very bad impression about me and Xiao Lu. We have more good memories than bad. It is however important that I can get this out of my chest as soon as possible. This will be a wall of text. I want to suggest you to read this part and the last day if you can’t be bothered to read it all.
- I and Xiao Lu have had a rough week together, and it’s my fault. I’ve been getting cold feet, doubts and downright paranoia about tulpa. These feelings developed after reading tragic stories in this community, old and new. I knew back then that being afraid of my tulpa was stupid and illogical, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about it. These are parts of my personal log that I wrote during my paranoia.
- I’m not sure that it can be called cold feet anymore. It’s more like an anxiety attack. Last night I was wide awake, heart pounding, and felt outright sick in my stomach. I was scared of what would happen to us in the future. Will Xiao Lu turn out weird? Will she be too strong for me? Will she take over me? Will I die, or live in a limbo in my own mind? I decided to let her sleep together with me tonight. She embraced me. We talked about pleasant things to calm me down. But then I heard her sob.
- “You hate me.” She said. She couldn’t be more wrong. Even if she was the reason I was scared, I couldn’t hate her. It is my own fault that I’m feeling this way. I told her how much she meant to me. In the end we both slept soundly.
- I couldn't sleep until 4 AM. I started to feel paranoid and I had to watch youtube videos just to forget all about tulpae. Xiao Lu seems very understandable. She’s strong; I would have been heartbroken if I was in her position.
- Xiao Lu keeps growing. Last night and early today we had very fluent discussions between us. It’s also very easy to imagine her walking around. Every time I think about her she appears by my side. Usually one would be ecstatic about this, but instead I’m getting scared.
- It’s late at night and I have managed to calm myself down a bit. I have been having mood-swings all day. I think about how amazing it is to have Xiao Lu, other times I just don’t see how this can ever end well. Yesterday I dropped forcing completely, but I think I will try out a little bit today even if it’s late.
- She was very happy to see me. We played the guitar, cuddled and drank tea. When I told her that I was thinking about staying up to 1:30 am she scolded me and told me I didn't get enough sleep last night. I then told her I might skip school, in which she got even more annoyed. I tried visualizing too. I still suck, and she made sure that I knew that. Since I’ve basically been all negative the last couple of days I decided to do a new made-up session. I called it the love-session, but that name was so unfitting that Xiao Lu started to giggle naughtily. This session is basically about training touch and narration while giving her love. We hug each other tightly, and we both complement each other. I tell her how much I love her, she does the same, etc. I told her how cute she looks in her dress, and she strangely complimented my mustache. I guess she was struggling to about something to say?
- I feel much better now.
- This day was a nice day without drama, so I won’t post it. If someone actually wants to read how adorable Lu is I can post it later.
- I was on the chat. There’s more bad news in the community. This made me feel the gut-wretching feeling again. To calm myself down I decided to spend time with Lu in my wonderland. When I closed the door to her house it all of a sudden opened again. Now I felt another presence in Lu’s house. It started to freak me out and I tried to ignore it. In the end I couldn’t take it and I brought Xiao Lu to me instead. We talked for a bit, and we came to the conclusion that it might be something spawned from my fears.
- Xiao Lu told me repeatedly that the presence was not a tulpa, but something I can easily get rid of. I started to doubt her. Did I make her say what I wanted to hear, or did she willingly say what I wanted to hear?
- I went back into the wonderland. My heart was pounding. I was truly afraid of the presence, which I still could feel slightly. Xiao Lu then grabbed my shoulders and started to talk:
- “Look at me. I love you. You can’t imagine how much I love you. This session isn’t for me, but for you. Let us get rid of this feeling together.”
- She said more things to me, which I can’t remember. I was shocked at how strong she was. Unlike me, she was calm and collected. We then continued our “love”-session, which still hasn’t gotten a better name. She kissed me on the lips. Then she started getting more aggressive and took off her clothes. She implied that getting rid of my feeling will help with sex. I had to refuse. She accepted my refusal, but asked me if I would take off my shirt. So I did. She laid her bare chest onto mine:
- “See this body. You made this. You made me. I am forever grateful.”
- When I left I could feel the presence diminish. It was still there lingering, but far from as strong as it was earlier today. This was the most emotional session I have ever had.
- Hopefully this is the end of the story. As of now the anxiety is all gone. I’m still unsure what that presence was, but it’s not going to stop me from being with Xiao Lu. I would be grateful if anyone has any suggestions on what the presence could have been.
- I’m sorry that I threw all this drama and self-pity in my log so early. I promise to update our happy lives together in the future.
a guest Sep 29th, 2012 161 Never
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