Current Situation and future of streaming

I've been struggling a lot whether to make a video or to write a pastebin.

Decided to go with the pastebin cause a video would've been boring.

As some of you probably noticed, I changed a little over the last couple of months - that's fine so far.
I am not enjoying being competitive about running anymore for quite some time now and became more "casual".

compared to when I was averaging at ~ 300 viewers, I am now really enjoying streaming - most of the time.

Over the last couple of months, I managed to push my game a little more, have a friend working on it with me and am approaching a point where I need to think about several things.

While I was alone, I was working on the project on the side - really just whenever I felt like it, no big deal.

However, I submitted the game to steam greenlight in August 2016 and it was ... kinda well received.
I reached top 100 within less than 48 hours, got greenlit within less than 10 days.
While the genre I went for is kind of a "make or break" genre (Narrative horror... how original), it felt like "I made it" for a second.

Fast forward to January - Slask and a friend of me are working on the game more frequently - there's even frequent meetings that take up several hours.
My normal "I work in it when I want" attitude had no place in this anymore.
People were working on it a lot and I felt like I was lacking behind, putting pressure on myself.

This was a blessing and a curse at the same time.

It was a curse because whenever I was working on it, I found myself incapable of focusing on streaming as my mind was wandering elsewhere.
Which bugs do I need to fix?
How do I fix them?
How am I gonna approach marketing?
Are the voice actors fine, which lines need to be redone?
Do the artstyles of the artists match up?
How will I design the banner and the official media?
Is the story working out this way and not too generic?
E.T.C

It was a mess and is a mess.
I couldn't focus on the runs, I couldn't focus on the game and I couldn't focus on the chat.
I was trying to focus on the things happening right now but the thoughts on the game were really strong, killing my motivation to stream and making it impossible for me to get into the right mood and mindset for streaming for the entire day.

However, On the same side: It's a blessing.

Shortly after AGDQ 2016, I lost interest in being competitive, kinda wandering around, trying out speedgames, looking for some way to find a passion for all this again and it kinda didn't work out.
I went from Mm to OoT to DK64, SM64, pokemon etc... but there were days where I just wish'd I wasn't streaming.
While I'd say that I'm darn good at faking emotions to the point where I'm not sure whether I believe them myself now or not, this was a mess to begin with.

When I got greenlit however, those days turned into "Well, if I really don't want to stream anymore, I can always try my luck as a game developer" ...
And here's the problem - truth be told: with this attitude, I can't.

To get to the point: I am currently in a situation in which I have to decide what I want to focus on.

And even more honest - I'd take gamedev over streaming any day at the moment.
I am aware, that I could make it back and I believe that I know what it takes to grow again.
I know what to look for and how to improve so I can grow as a streamer.

But I don't want this.
It doesn't interest me anymore.
I lived the dream for so long, it's time to wake up.

But why didn't I do this before?
Because I was able to pay my bills through subs only.
I matched the absolute bottom line of what it took for me monthly to stay alive and pay my apartment.
Trying to go a different direction and making it look like I'm putting less effort into streaming was a risk to this.
Donations incentives were a luxury for me to make it possible to visit events, network etc - they weren't absolutely necessary.

I'm making it sound more dramatic than it is.

I will change my schedule heavily.
I am not going to stop streaming as I still enjoy it greatly, but I won't stream games only for the numbers anymore.
One falls for this pattern without noticing and suddenly you find yourself streaming for numbers only without knowing how to get out of this anymore.

I will change my schedule to have days I will use to focus on gamedevelopment heavily.
Not sure whether I'll stream those or not.

I also want days on which I focus on streaming - I will still work on the game on those days, but only on no brainers (Decals and rough design mostly).

There will be no big change in my stream or behavior - except for that I will now use my stream to make sure that unity doesn't eat up my brain.
I am quick to stress myself and fall into a cycle of forcing myself to work and feeling bad whenever I don't do that.

However -
I will still go to marathons.
I will still stream about 5 times a week.
I will still speedrun (Just not serious but eh... that's not a change anyways).

But the streams might be shorter, longer, more casual or whatever I wanna do.
I will not stream for the numbers anymore and drop streams if I don't feel like it at all.
(I know and appreciate that a lot of people say "Do what you want, don't stream if you don't feel like it" - but unfortunately those that don't think so always stay silent.
It's just not how it works if you want to somewhat stay financially stable if you're not known for variety / personality)

I am financially safe as I have money put to the side and I think now is the possibly best time for me to perform such a switch.
If I don't switch and force myself to stream, I would drag my game down aswell.
And even tho I know it might not succeed or even bring in money, I want to risk it.

Gladly, thanks to game architects (And yes, I am aware that some of the things being said there aren't 100% accurate and some are just theorizing. If you wanna critize me because of that - fuck off, spare your energy, I don't care) I am able even affort a complete loss of my channel.
It doesn't cover all my costs - but it does cover enough for me to get a part time job and fill that gap (and seriously, what are 10 - 20 hours a week compared to the roughly 60 / week I have put into my channel?).

I am not asking for money and I am not asking for you to understand.

I want those who might be interested in my content to know what's been going on and what the future plans might be.
And for those watching for "teh supa sirious spedgemz" - yeah... no.
I don't care about world records for a long time anymore.
However, I still admire the people that can go for those goals.
I admire them for their love for the games they play and really wish that in the end not a single one of them ends up in the same situation - forcing themselves because they are being controlled by numbers.
Cause it really feels like a one way road.

Yeah... this is basically it, I think.

If you want to still watch my channel after this - please know that I greatly appreciate each and everyone of you.
It might sometimes seem like this is not the case or I can't show how much it means that you decided to watch me over the thousands of people that try really hard to entertain others and I always say the same when someone donates or subscribes, follows or whatever - but it means a lot to me.

If you don't want to watch me anymore cause I am not serious about speedrunning anymore, I can also understand that and appreciate that you took the time to read this until the end.

That's it from my side...

this was as honest as it could be.

If you would like to support my game, make sure to follow on twitter under https://twitter.com/Psych_Isolation

I'm not sure how I'll continue from here, I'll think of something for the next days.
I won't stop streaming... but if I drop a day or two, I hope you understand.

thanks a ton for reading and best wishes,

Ricky

(I didn't read through it a second time as that prevents me from removing parts)