I wanted to write you something, consider it a love letter maybe idiot, a bit impromptu but.. I rarely get time to write stuff to you because I’m always at work and whenever I don’t find myself working I’m always with you, this is one of the rare occasions in which you’re asleep and I’m not at the gym or doing something else.  I wanted to write something regarding my general thoughts..

I’m very sorry for what happened today, I don’t want to go over it again. I’m stupid and jealous and I got upset like an idiot. I overthink things sometimes, however, I never once “doubt” anything like you think I do, I want you to understand that first and foremost. I want to meet your friends and hang out with them; of course I want that, I want to meet the people you hold close, okay?
If I’m being frank the only thing that I doubt is how someone like you can exist in this world. Prepare to get a bit cheesy zzz… The love that you have for me does not go unnoticed. The things you do and say to me and the way in which you show me every day that you love me changes my soul. It makes me into a a better person, and it makes me softer. You’re asleep now and I’ve been listening to you sleep for quite some time, the call dropped not long ago as well. For the past 3 hours I’ve been playing hearthstone and getting shit on (I need a flamestrike build!). I mention this because it puts things in perspective. I had not played video games in so long, probably over a year maybe more. I lied in bed for 3 hours and thought about a lot of things. I started getting incredibly morose and I began to feel guilt. I wondered if I had been being as good as I wanted to and as good as you deserve. After all, the past few days we have been having arguments and it upsets me so much.. What always seems to soften the blow is that we’re still getting to know each other and how we handle those types of situations.
To me, always, I will always love you and choose you over me. I will always be patient and understanding with you. I want you to live your life knowing that. You can make all the mistakes you want, treat me like shit, betray me, break a promise, and even if my heart is broken it will always love you.. as long as one piece of it beats – it beats for you. I don’t ever want it to be in pieces, but just know that if you are ever afraid after we have a fight, if you ever wonder if I’m going to be furious with you, if I’m ever going to love you less, or want to go out separate ways, always know that for me, that outcome does not exist.  Anyway, as I lied in bed and listened to you sleep so peacefully I began to question myself. I don’t think I’m good enough for you. I don’t ask you how you’re feeling, I always forget to ask and I feel terrible. In my mind I want to make you laugh and smile because that’s my default way to just cover all things – making you feel better, making you spend time with me, making you enjoy yourself and forgetting about feeling bad. I just want to keep you company but when I forget to do something so simple like asking how you’re feeling, asking if you’re hungry, asking if you’re cold or if you’re thirsty or if you need anything I always feel like I’m a shit boyfriend for not doing it. I get it, I get that I’m “good” to you in a lot of ways, but I don’t want to be good to you, I want to be perfect to you.
I want to be so good that you that you never again call me obnoxious and we never ever argue again. I know you’re partial and you love me a lot and our love for one another is like an obsession… but I also want you to love me outside of that obsession if that makes sense. I want you to really think I’m your hero. I don’t ever want to have a wasted day, a wasted moment, a wasted opportunity to make you feel happiness and I feel like lately I haven’t been making you happy. At work when I have free time I sometimes go on my phone on 4chcan or reddit and fuck around for a bit waiting for you to reply to me or if I know you’re sleeping. Whatever happened to me learning poetry? Whatever happened to me learning the guitar for you? Whatever happened to me reading more philosophy so I could talk to you about it? I haven’t done any of that and it makes me sad that I promised you that but then I find myself just being selfish and going on and doing things that are mindless and simply relaxing to me. It doesn’t make me into the perfect person I want to be for you so it makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like I’m going to lose the “moment”. Like that one song, I forgot how it goes but I remember once I made a joke to you about it and quoted it “we need to address it, this may not be again” whenever the girl is out smoking a cigarette.. I feel like that sometimes, I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose the opportunity to love you and show you that I really am the man of your dreams. I’m not all talk… I promise.
I don’t want to quit. I’m listening to the song I listened to whenever we would be far away from each other. ‘Alone – Viren’ and the lyrics in the middle when he’s talking they make me think about everything.. all the time I was far away from you.. all those nights when I would go to sleep crying hoping I could turn back the clock and see you again.  I remember going to the gym one day and listening to this song and I could not lift anything not even the lightest weight and I began to cry.. I think I’ve told you this before. This was when I realized that I needed you in my life to the point if I didn’t have you it would not be worth living…
Sometimes I wish I was a NEET again.. I dread working every day because it makes me feel so far away from you. I remember when we were both not doing anything when we met it was so fun to be with you and I always had time to think of all the things I wanted to say to you and do with you. And now I feel like I wake up dreading tomorrow and my life is just a big long dream. A long dream, I’m waiting for tomorrow always. And I think living like that is a mistake. Despite knowing tomorrow is better than today, because tomorrow is us touching, tomorrow is the farm, tomorrow is cuddling with our puppies, tomorrow is the horizon. Sometimes I wonder if I could be selfish to my parents and feign a great depression to not work and then use some of their money to get the farm. I could probably do it, I honestly could maneuver something like that. I would never do it for myself as I find that to be so ridiculously selfish and weak willed… but I would do it if it meant being with you.
I get so sad when you wake up from a nightmare and I don’t know what to do, what words to say to ease your mind… I don’t know how to help you, and as soon as I wake up I need to have you at my side and you’re always there.. I think maybe what if I’m bad at it, what if you don’t want to admit it to yourself because you love me too much but in the bottom of your heart you wish I were a  bit different… tell me if that’s the case I’ll be different. I’m not good at this, it’s the first time in my life I comfort anyone. I’ve never done it, I don’t know how to do it, and now… when I want to do it the most, to the person I love the most, I feel like a comfort virgin, like I have no idea where to put my words or how to say them to make you feel at ease. I barely even considered that you could be anxious for school until I thought about it. And when I did think about it I had no idea what to say except meme stuff like you’re going to be okay and you’re going to make alot of friends and it seems like maybe that’s good but enough for you but I honestly feel like I could say so much more to ease your hear t but I just don’t know what to say.
You’re the most beautiful person in the world for me.. the way you love me is unheard of and I’m afraid of hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore and I want to make you smile always and I just don’t know how to do it the perfect way. Please show me the perfect way. The thing I’m most anxious about the trip, sure we can laugh at the stomach aches and potential vomiting we’ll get from being so nervous at the airport… but what I’m scared of is not being able to stir your heart and make you dream, I don’t want you to think I’m boring - I want to be your Aladdin.. I’m sorry for all this rambly shit I’m honestly.. I don’t know I’m going to go to the gym and run for a bit, I haven’t run in a while maybe it’ll clear my head.
Just know that I want this to work more than anything and if you ever want me to work harder or I DON’T KNOW THIS INFURIATES ME. Please just… I want this to work; I want to make you happy I want to make you happy I want to make you happy I want to make you happy. Can we listen to music again like we used to? Can we watch romantic movies? The other day I wanted to ask you the name of that movie you had shown me pictures of on snapchat in the beginning.. the black and white one… would you like to watch it with me?
I’m sorry… My whole life is this moment. You’re my whole life. In my life I’ve met so many people, done so many things, wasted so much time looking for the answer to my quest. The horizon I said to myself one night after years of not knowing. “It is the horizon that calls to me.” With pride in my heart I would say to my friends and the world “The horizon is my calling!” A barbaric yawp “The Horizon!”, in that pride I hid doubt, I said it with pride but I neglected it. Always doubting the horizon, always doubting my love for it. Then one day I saw something that took my breath away more than nature. Mother nature herself could not compete against it… You know the rest of this story don’t you? Boy meets girl..

I said so much random shit here and there I don’t even know if I made myself clear…

I guess honestly what matters the most at the end of the day is to say this to you.

I love you, and you’re the most beautiful girl in the world – inside and out.

My heart is yours forever… wherever you go, wherever you are, with me or without me, know that Jace has never loved before you and will never love after you.

When you get this you’ll be waking up to school… sorry it’s so long, I hope you have a lot of fun and try to make friends. We can always shoot it up if you’re being bullied anyway so don’t sweat it.

Good morning, are you hungry? Did you sleep well? Did you get enough sleep? How are you feeling? I miss you so much.. message me when you’re awake and send me lots of snaps okay?