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Dragonlands

a guest Apr 24th, 2020 22 Never
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  1. >>Fillies try to see who can light the biggest fart.
  2. >>Predictably, it ends in tears.
  3.  
  4. >Be fillyanon in dragon lands
  5. >You and your dragon broskis have stolen a bunch of bottles from someone's liquor hoard and are now hiding inna cave
  6. >One would think that stealing from a 200 ton fucking firebreathing DRAGON would be a bad idea
  7. >But as long as the owner does not catch you then stealing is pretty much considered socially acceptable and happens all the time
  8. >If you can’t defend your hoard then you don’t even deserve to have it in the first place is the general consensus basically
  9. >You were nervous as shit when you set out to do it because the owner was pretty big
  10. >But now you are all hooting and hollering in your hideout, celebrating your first big theft and quickly becoming drunker by the minute
  11. “And I looked that overgrown chicken straight in the eyes and yelled to him, I yelled ‘HEY! You pisspoor excuse of a lizard! I took a bottle of your whiskey, come and catch me if you can.’”
  12. >Boisterous laughter all around
  13. >”That shit was wild, how do you come up with all these crazy ideas Anon?”  
  14. “I dunno, I guess I’m just some kind of natural-born one-in-a-trillion greatest in the universe master-of-all superior god type genius is all.”
  15. >”In your dreams little pony. You’re lucky that old dragon didn’t catch up to you or you’d be dead now.”
  16. >”It‘s such a shame you were born as a pony, you would’ve made a great dragon.”
  17. >”The greatest dragon, maybe even the best, maybe even Dragon Lord.”
  18. “Heeell yeah. Dragon Lord Anonymous, I like the sound of that. My first decree is that there will be no more work and free booze for all.”
  19. >”Nodragon works around here you idiot.”
  20. “Well no wonder why we have to steal to get a glass around here then, all you useless dragons are fucking bums.”
  21. >”You’re damn right we are!”
  22. “Just free booze then!”
  23. >”Free booze!”
  24. >”A toast to free booze and also Dragon Lord Anonymous.”
  25. >”CHEERS!”
  26. ”CHEERS!”
  27. >”CHEERS!”
  28. >”CHEERS!”
  29. >You all clank your bottles together and take another swig before loudly putting them down on the stone slab table between you
  30. >One of your scaly friends even lets out a burp as he does so, releasing an orange flame into the air
  31. >”Impressive” says another, “but not as impressive as this bad drake!”
  32. >He sweeps the rest of his bottle and lets loose a large belch, producing a much larger flame than his buddy which outshines the glowstones in the room for a good couple of seconds
  33. >”Ha! Pathetic,” says your third amigo whose competitive dragon spirit now has been ignited
  34. >“Let me show you hatchlings how a real dragon does it.”
  35. >Without even drinking anything, he just swallows a bunch of air and lets out the loudest belch yet
  36. >His flame is so tall it leaves soot marks in the roof and hot enough that it raises the room temperature by at least 3 degrees
  37. >With a smug look he makes a victorious pose and declares himself winner
  38. >”Another toast for me, the most dragonly of all dragons.”
  39. >”CHEE-”
  40. >”CHEE-”
  41. “HOOOLD on hold on hold on for a second. It’s still too early to say you’ve won. None of you walking talking matchsticks have even seen my flame yet.”
  42. >”Pfft. What flame Anon? You may be an honorary dragon, but honorary dragons don’t breathe fire.”
  43. >”You’re not even one of the ones with the horns on their heads that catches on fire, how are you supposed to make a flame?”
  44. “Laugh while you still can because pretty soon you’re gonna have to eat up all of those words”
  45. >One of the benefits with reincarnation is that you know all of the little tricks in life already
  46. >And you have perfect thing in mind right now to outclass these lizards and win this competition
  47. >Lighting. Your fucking farts. On fire.
  48. >That is right, this age-old celebratory ritual that has been passed down through generations of fraternity parties and is a personal favorite of yours is finally going to be introduced into this world
  49. >You can really feel all those years of education paying off right now
  50. >You just need a special tool first if you are going to pull this off
  51. >You reach into your mane and pull out your vintage original series 1933 zippo lighter
  52. >One of the few possessions you have that followed with you when you died and ended up here
  53. >Most dragons only has eyes for precious metals and gems but if any of them knew how much you had to pay for this thing they would try to steal it immediately
  54. >That is why you always keep it on your person wherever you go
  55. “Behold! Superior human technology!”
  56. >”Superior what? You saying this little thing will help you win?”
  57. >”Aren’t humans those the imaginary creatures you keep blabbering about?”
  58. >”Is it magic? Which trinket hoard did you steal it from?”
  59. “Fuck you guys. This little baby right here will allow me to create fires bigger than any of you stinkbreaths.”
  60. >”Oh yeah? Then show us.”
  61. “I fucking will. Just gotta light this shit up first.”
  62. >You open the cap with your teeth and place the zippo upright on the table
  63. >You fiddle with the flint wheel a few times without managing so much as a spark
  64. >Tfw no hands and can’t into precision work any more
  65. >”Come on, show us already.”
  66. >”Yeah, we’re waiting here.”
  67. “Jesus fuck im trying alright, hold on.”
  68. >”Just admit that you were lying. You actually have no idea what that thing even is do you?”
  69. >Then on your tenth try you finally manage to get a spark which lights the wick, shutting their stupid mouths up real good
  70. >All of them are staring, completely in awe of your amazing human tech
  71. >”...”
  72. >Before they suddenly burst into uproarious laughter
  73. >”BWAAAHAHAHA! THAT’S THE SMALLEST FLAME I EVER SEEN!”
  74. >”E-HE-HE-HEVEN HATCHLINGS HAS A-HE HAS A BIGGER FLAME THAN THAT!”
  75. >”ANON THE FLAMELET HUEHUEHUE!”
  76. ”I ain’t done yet you cocksuckers! I’m just fucking preparing.”
  77. >You jump up on the table with all of the grace of a drunken pony, which you are, and begin clearing it by kicking all of the empty bottles off
  78. >”Oi. what are you doing dude?”
  79. “You’ll see.”
  80. >You have lived in the dragon lands for about a year now and you can honestly say with absolute certainty that you have thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of it
  81. >You might be a pony but the dragons here treat you like one of their own and you even have a small hoard of shiny rocks sequestered away for yourself
  82. >You know from some of the older dragons that there is a country full of ponies called Equestria out there somewhere but you could not give less of a shit about that even if you tried
  83. >But if there was one thing about your new life that you would like to change it would be your damn pony stomach
  84. >Whether it was allergies or simply spoilt food you do not know but something in your diet was causing you to expel a lot of gas which eventually earned you the nickname Stinky Tail
  85. >You have of course felt the pressure slowly building up in your guts for a while now but you held it in so far because that is just the polite thing to do
  86. >But all of that excess gas in your tummy is finally going to be of some use to you today
  87. >Lighting this bowel phantom on fire is definitely going to create a flame larger than any of theirs
  88. >With all of the bottles gone you lay down on the table and roll over on your back and spread your legs apart
  89. >Carefully, because you don’t want to accidentally set your tail on fire again, you position the still burning lighter in front of your exposed naughty bits
  90. >You notice that all of your friends are blushing furiously and averting their eyes elsewhere
  91. >One of them is even trying to cover up a growing stiffy between his legs
  92. >What a fag
  93. “You bancha newts ready to see the biggest flame of your lives?”
  94. >”W-whatever dude.”
  95. >”Uuuh.”
  96. >”You t-t-too.”
  97. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
  98. >Time to impress some alien lifeforms. HFY!
  99. >You clench your stomach muscles, relax your anus, and let it rip
  100. “Witness me!”
  101.  
  102. >BOOM!
  103. >A huge blast echoes through the cave as you explode like an unopened can of beans in a microwave
  104. >Where once was a cute little filly called Anonymous, now only a splotch of dark red remain as bits and pieces of you scatters all over the cave
  105. >A bloody mist lingers in the air, mixing together with the stench of charred body parts, and a layer of blood which covers the glow crystals drowns whatever surfaces not already smeared in gore in a crimson hue, making the entire cave look like a giant darkroom
  106. >Though your friends scales protected them from physical harm something about the shock from having witnessed their closest friend die as well as the smell of burning meat awoke some deep and primal instinct buried in their reptile brains
  107. >Later on when the elder dragons who heard the explosion finally arrived your friends were already gorging themselves on your remains and it was decided that for the sake of upholding peaceful relations with Equestria, who were still keeping an eye on you as one of their own and a real threat to all dragons current way of life, that they had to be put down
  108. >Your cave was melted down into slag and then collapsed and the whole thing was treated as an accident by the lizard illuminati
  109. >But you of course knew nothing about all of that as your soul had already begun its second voyage on its way to the next afterlife
  110. >As you drift slowly through the endless void between realities you hear a faint voice calling from somewhere far in the beyond
  111. >”Mediocre.”
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