Dear Ziad

I have great trouble sometimes expressing myself verbally, but lack of communication, as we all know can lead to great misunderstandings.  So forgive me for sending this rather long letter, but I really wanted to let you know how I feel, and I see no other way of getting this message through to you, you are so busy these days. I hope you take the time to read it.

I have a fear that you and I will drift so far apart that you will think of me as just another employee, who has let you down, and forget so much, of what has been happening over the past 3 years.

There is so much more that I want to say to you about my decision to leave.  Unfortunately walking along the street, with my mouth so dry from anxiety I could hardly talk and trying to say what I wanted to say in 3 minutes was not the ideal situation to have such a conversation.  Then again perhaps it was a good demonstration of where our relationship is at these days, that unfortunately the only opportunity I had to talk to you in private and tell you that most important news was in such an inappropriate way.  I find that very sad.

I have been thinking long and hard about my future, and there are many reasons why I reached this decision, to completely change my life, my job, my home, the security of a wage.  It’s a huge thing to do and although I am excited at the thought of travelling and all the possibilities of living in countries I’ve never been to before, all the experiences, and all the people I will meet along the way.  I am also a little scared, travelling alone, being lonely.  I wonder what I will do when, and indeed if, I get back.  I have no idea, the future is a blank page.

I’ve been noticing much to my sadness how much our relationship has changed,  I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but it has happened over time.    I haven’t felt like your “conspiratrice” for a while now.  I have not felt  involved or included, in many aspects of your life and had no idea what to do to change the situation. I felt afraid to ask questions in case you considered it an intrusion of your privacy,  especially when it comes to family arrangements, and come to think of it business matters too.   At the same time I wondered if you where waiting for me to ask, because you might be thinking that because I don’t ask then I’m not interested and not concerned, which is untrue.  It becomes very confusing!  To be honest I had the impression that you where “fazing” me out,  and when I told you I was going I thought it would come as a bit of a relief to you.   I have often felt in the past  that you didn’t involve me with things sometimes, in order to spare my feelings, (or yours) and had we not become emotionally involved it would have been easier,  and I could have been more useful in your life.

Another consideration in my decision is that I shall be 40 in July, and frankly I find it a bit scary that here I am single, no children, time running away.  I always thought that by 40 I would have children, be in love with my husband, be settled in a life, be happy.  I am optimistic that I shall have that life, but I am convinced that I have to change the present one in order to achieve it.  Too much emotional baggage attached to this one.  I can’t pretend that nothing happened between us.  I can’t move on when I’m faced with it every day.

Let me go back to when I first came to Paris, do you remember?  After a  very short time I learned from you that you where “in love” with me. At first I tried to tell you that it wasn’t real that you would get over it,  do you remember the e mails we used to write? The eagerness in which we both waited for those precious words. but even though I didn’t believe it at first, it didn’t take me long to be captivated.  I felt my feelings  were out of my control, couldn’t be stopped, like a runaway train going down hill. I fell in love.  You became the centre of my life.  There was not a moment that I didn’t think about you, night or day.  I shed so many tears in the first 2 years, went through too much frustration and sadness, having to be an outsider in your life, looking on while you enjoyed what potentially was a  fairytale life with your wife, it hurt.   But I don’t want to dwell on that.

In time I realised that there was no hope, our relationship wasn’t going forward.  All you could offer me was a few short hours of your time once in a while, I tormented myself whether I could accept that, as it was surely better than nothing.  I kicked myself for turning down those rare moments.  But I felt I had  become a bit of a cliché, a quick thrill for you, a bit of amusement. There were times when I went from feeling like a cheap slut to feeling like the most adored, sexiest woman around. I pat myself on the back that I was able to hold it a secret inside me, keep my self esteem relatively intact and still carry on working for you, and to be so cool and together about it, to the world, as if nothing was happening.

So today finds me still very fond of you, still very much affected by the things you do and say, or don’t say.  Saddened that we don’t communicate any more, that a relationship can deteriorate so.  I will never forget the very real passion we shared.   I’ve always maintained friendships with my lovers, I always felt that even if things ended badly, in time all would be forgiven and the essential friendship would always be there, otherwise it makes a mockery out of the time and feelings put into that relationship in the first place.

Maybe I shouldn’t send this to you. I don’t know, I just don’t want to lose touch with you, the man Ziad.   I know we can never go back, I accept that we crossed a line we shouldn’t have, but it couldn’t be helped, from my point of view there was no stopping it.  I accept that you are not the man for me.  I just can’t abide the thought of  you totally hiding behind that unapproachable steel shutter you sometimes slam down.

More than anything, I want you to know that I shall miss you terribly and I will never forget you. I want to thank you for the positive things you brought out in me.  You opened my eyes to many things which I know will help me in the future.  I feel stronger as a person for knowing you and because you trusted me and showed me you had confidence in my abilities, my confidence has grown.

In the meantime and before we say goodbye. I want to apologise for the disruption to your life my leaving has brought, but ask you to take into consideration all that I’ve told you in this letter, to anyone else I’m leaving because it’s just time to move on, but only you and I know the truth.  I will do everything I can to tie up loose ends and make a smooth transition for my replacement.  I sincerely hope that you and I can maintain some contact.

From the Heart and Soul.