Patreon Goodbye

This message is my last hurrah. You don't even have to read this message because at this point I am beyond caring. But it's something that I wanted to do for me to lay everything out on the table, because it is the last time you will ever hear from me.

I have a naturally defiant personality. I'm a strong female and I wear it on my sleeve. It's a huge part of who I am. And I really don't think it's fair of you to ask me to be anything other than what I am. I find it odd that this is a place which encourages things like confidence, but when it is directed towards you in the form of assertiveness, it is immediately condemned.

As far as I'm concerned, you stopped caring for me the moment you decided I had ill intentions towards you. I am expected to see things from your perspective because you're the one running the show, and you have never failed to let me know of that time and time again. It's quite obvious that I am a threat to the community's status quo, and you are unconsciously seeking to eradicate my undesirable behavior by forcing me to obey or else. I am a human being first and foremost, no matter what I do or say. I no longer feel as if I am being treated like one. Ultimately your "my way or the highway" mentality is going to drive more people away than attract them.

From my perspective, this isn't just about respect. This is about you maintaining control in an effort to protect your ego. About me showing you what you feel is owed to you by your mere existence. You hide your contempt for me behind a mask of nobility and dignity, because I am the personification of everything you despise. But even the sun casts a shadow. If you don't start checking your huberis at the door, it will mean your end. Pride always goes before a fall.

You've become overly attached to the sunny persona that you've created, denying any sort of negativity in yourself, which stems from your fear of conflict, staunch personal need for privacy and your overly optimistic outlook on life. You deny the darkness in others because you are too afraid to confront the darkness in yourself. But I don't expect anything less from someone who plays make-believe for a living. I am just as guilty as you for playing into it all these years. You use your characters as a mask to hide your true self, negating any real, true connection with anyone who listens to you.

I am well-acquainted with my own dark tendencies. It's the world that I live in, the world that feeds me, the world that inspires me, and the world that pushes me forward. I do not deny the ugly parts of myself because I know that they are a part of me, just as they are a part of you. You are no different from me, nor I you, or any other person on this planet. I will never apologize for listening to my intuition or acting on instinct. Because to me, honoring my own energy is far more important than keeping peace and order in the kingdom. If you want to villanize me, go right ahead. You can think I'm mean, bitter, hateful, disrespectful, whatever. At the end of the day, I know who I am. No one else does. And that is something no one will ever take away from me.

I truly hope that one day you learn how to become a little more well-equipped to deal with negative energy. The more this place grows, the higher the likelihood is that you will encounter more and more people just like me. Ones who feel pushed aside by life. Ones who live life by their own rules. Ones who wish to be loved and accepted exactly as they are, flaws and all. If you cannot accept me fully, you do not accept me at all. That's how it is and has to be. I'll never be the pure and light-hearted soul you so desperately want me to be.

I am meant to be the one to understand but never meant to be fully understood. That is my blessing and my curse. The thing is that none of this would ever have happened were you not so conflict-avoidant. Telling me how you felt about me up front would have spared me a lot of pain in the end. Over and over again my and everyone else's feelings are put on the back burner in favor of what is best for you because to you that is all that matters.

Even so, I wish you the best. This is where our journey ends. You have made it perfectly clear that there is nothing 'lovely' about me, and I will not continue to stick around to perpetuate the lie that you somehow care for me. In truth, at the end of it all, the only person you care for is yourself.

Just remember one thing. The next time you want to play dirty and pull a power play, make sure they don't know how to fight back.

Goodbye, G.