The Adventures of Maria and Mattix

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You and the stranger both like Roleplaying.
Stranger: Hello.
You: Hi
Stranger: May I ask what RP you are looking for?
You: I want to be the hero of a grand quest.
Stranger: Hmm,
Stranger: Ok then,
Stranger: And what would be the setting?
You: Sci-Fi, perhaps?
Stranger: ... Ok, I can make this work,
Stranger: Define your character, and I will begin.
You: Alright then. 20, Female. Hispanic, with long black hair, pale skin, brown eyes. Intergalactic Police Officer turned Private Eye.
Stranger: Ok,
Stranger: Do I need a character here, or am I just the GM?
You: Whichever you feel helps tell the story best
Stranger: Ok,
Stranger: Well, creating the setting then
Stranger: [Creating setting, please wait...]
You: [waiting]
Stranger: You are sitting at your desk. Today has been extremely quiet, which is odd for this part Of the galaxy,
You: I go over some of my paper-work, partially bored as I adjust my holo-glasses.
Stranger: Your office is located on one of the more, how should I put it, less fortunate parts of the galaxy.
Stranger: Out in the rim of Frogstar World B,
You: A bit povery-stricken, eh?
Stranger: Not the best, but not the worst.
Stranger: Just a little
You: I see
You: I sigh, and take a bit of a walk around the office.
Stranger: Since your self-dismissal from the force, the cash flow has been a bit tight. Honestly, you thought being a private inspector would be more exciting.
Stranger: You enter the main lobby, not much here besides your receptionist, Betty, and the empty water cooler.
You: Indeed I did, but I can't seem to find much to do. I straighten out my futuristic looking 'Investigation Duster' as I do so, and approach Betty.
You: "Hi Betty"
Stranger: Betty turns to you, piercing you with her blank robotic stare.
Stranger: I forgot to mention Betty is a robot
Stranger: This fact makes you feel extremely alone a lot of times.
You: "I knew that," I say aloud. "Betty. Load Water-Cooler Banter Protocols."
Stranger: The LED's that display what are supposed to be eyes change to a sort of worried, and tired expression.
You: I groan. "Dammit, what now?"
Stranger: Unwillingly, Betty gets up, removes the water cooler bottle, and looks around for a replacement, as she has done several times already.
You: "I... what are you doing, Betty?"
Stranger: "You see," says Betty, in her cool receptionist's voice, "We are out of replacement water capsules."
You: "Well that fucking blows," I observe.
Stranger: She turns to look at you her eyes full of... It is really hard to find emotion in a to it's face.
Stranger: Robot's*
You: "Well. Go uh... buy some more. Chop chop."
Stranger: Betty looks down, sort of despairingly. Betty is a bit depressed. Perpetually.
Stranger: "I require monetary payment, in order to buy another."
You: "Why are so down, Betsy? Are your apathy emitters not functioning properly again?"
Stranger: "Well, you see," says Betty, still awaiting her currency transaction,
You: "Yeah?"
Stranger: "It's just that I am in a perpetual state of depression."
Stranger: "I've done my best at hiding it, you know,"
Stranger: "Sitting at my desk, using my euphoric, completeley annoying and idiotic bubbly receptionist's voice,"
Stranger: "It really does fool you living beings."
You: "Maybe you'd feel better if you were really cynical and snarked at lot. I mean, we don't get customers anyways."
Stranger: "I'm not really sure as to whether that would help or not,"
You: "It might. Try kicking people in the back of the leg when they're not looking sometimes, that helps me when I'm down."
Stranger: " I mean, there's only one other robot in the universe that is as hopelessly depressed as I, but since he has grown to loathe all of existence, and to drudge about for the rest of eternity, completeley wasting his planet-sized brain,"
Stranger: "I'm not really sure he would help much."
You: "Depression is really common in smart people, you know. You think about life too much, I think. Maybe you should take a vacation, and deactivate some of your... parts that process bad stuff happening. Live for the moment once and a while."
Stranger: "I would love to live for even a millasecond," says Betty,
Stranger: "However, since I am a robot, and therefore incapable of living, I cannot.
You: "Well, you walk around, and can apparently feel emotions, so that's close enough. So what if you don't have 'organs'?"
Stranger: "But, I am forced to live this pseudo-life of receiving calls and dispatching orders."
Stranger: Betty does not really appear to be listening anymore.
Stranger: You see, I can think of exactly 230,000,000,001.5 things at the same time,"
Stranger: "I can take a million vacations in the span of a second,"
Stranger: "But I can't live for any span of time."
You: "Well, define 'live'."
Stranger: "Forced to spend the rest of my days answering calls, talking to people, most of which I despise greatly, and to run pointless errands, that will in no way ever help me function, besides in learning how to preform the action better in the bleak future."
Stranger: "That is my 'life.'"
You: "Who said you were forced? Maybe I'll let you quit."
You: "I mean, you can quit, if you want."
Stranger: "Yours consist of inhaling oxygen and ingesting sugar in order to create energy and water at a molecular level, and exhaling the byproduct, which is carbon dioxide."
You: "Does that sound fun or something?"
Stranger: "much more fun than physically possible in my current state."
You: "....Do you wanna, like, trade bodies or something? I think you can do that nowadays."
Stranger: In fact, it is such a high level of fun, I think my pleasure center would blow a fuse or two."
Stranger: "Oh, no. If you were stuck in my body, you would understand everything, which would be to much for a being such as yourself. You would simply give out. I'd rather spare you from all of my pessimism and intelligence."
You: "I think pessimism is kick ass though."
Stranger: "So, in order to do so currently, I still require a monetary transaction in order to purchase a new water container."
You: "Oh right," I say, handing Betty a fat stack of CREDITS or whatever
Stranger: You could just use altarian dollars, but ok
Stranger: Betty accepts the payment, and begins her way towards the door.
You: "Hey Betty, do your 'Awkward Lesbian Sex' protocols still work?"
Stranger: Betty stops and slouches. Seeing a robot slouch is a very odd thing.
You: "Just wondering."
Stranger: "Yes, I kept them primed and ready, just as you asked."
You: "Neat. Alright, carry on!~"
Stranger: You never gave a name
Stranger: I needs a name
You: Name is Maria
Stranger: Ok.
Stranger: So, as Betty is about to reach the door, an unidentifyable force exPoodles through your wall.
Stranger: This knocks over Betty, and covers her in debris.
Stranger: Explodes
You: "Shit. Fuck."
Stranger: I am going to kill my autocorrector
You: Your autocorrector cost me one very confused google search
Stranger: A dark mass rises from the rubble, and you can hear Betty grumbling about the dented areas of her body.
You: I rush over to hug Betty in geniune concern.
Stranger: Before you can identify the mass, it lunges at you, taking you by suprise.
You: Because girls do that.
You: "Aw fuck"
Stranger: Sorry, gurl, you got some ass to kick
You: I proceed to headbutt the thing. With my forehead, which is rather large, which sometiems makes me self-conscious, bu it's good for headbutting.
Stranger: The black mass slashes your face, lacerating your holo specs.
You: "Fuck."
Stranger: Your face feels hot... No, warm, and wet too...
You: I headbutt it again, thick time also grabbing it in a bear hug
Stranger: You feel your face... Blood is pouring out.
You: "Shit I'm bleeding motherfucker"
Stranger: The mass roars, and surges up.
You: I attempt to kick it in the genitals
Stranger: In fact, it surges up so high, that it surges through the ceiling.
Stranger: Your kick to the supposed "genetals" fails, and you just kick some black mass.
Stranger: Genitals*?
You: Yeah I guess
You: Is it too late to run like a coward and try to retrieve my laser pistol? Because I want to do that.
Stranger: The mass continues to surge, flying out from he roof, and ever higher. You wonder what's propelling you.
Stranger: Running is not an option. You hang on for dear life, or you fall.
You: Shit. I bite the thing hard with my teeth. What does it taste like?
Stranger: Black licorice.
You: I spit in disgust, but try again. I try to eat through the mass.
Stranger: The thing screeches, and smacks your head. It flies faster.
You: What is my head smacked with, and to what extent?
Stranger: It still tastes like black licorice, but it is definatey fur.
You: Is my body still mechanically able to eat through it?
Stranger: You have no idea, partly because you got smacked pretty hard, but also because the fur blends into itself
Stranger: Not exactly, you would have to eat through living tough tissue
You: Can I bite a hole in the flesh, rip out a chunk, then shove my fist inside?
Stranger: Um
You: I don't really have many other options here man
Stranger: That would be unwise, as that would probably enrage whatever is currently holding you now 50+ feet above the ground
You: Well it wants to kill me anyways. Probably.
You: Can I climb around it?
Stranger: You can try
You: I try.
Stranger: You fail.
You: Do I fall?
Stranger: The black mass enters a ship in the air.
You: Aw shit
Stranger: You are tossed up into the dark room which is the cargo bay. The black mass screeches, and flies towards the ceiling, where it nests in... Something.
You: "Typical, dammit." I dust myself off, and survey my surroundings.
Stranger: The door closes. It is pitch black. A light goes on somewhere in the distance. You can see a table, some chairs, and a... Bed?
Stranger: Probably best to walk over there, seeing as you can't see anything anywhere.
You: I thought this was a cargo bay though?
Stranger: It is.
You: Are there crates and stuff around?
Stranger: You are very confused.
Stranger: Nope
Stranger: It is empty
You: Then how do I know it's a cargo bay if there's no cargo
You: I want to loot something.
Stranger: Well, honestly, you don't know.
You: Fine, I decide to go over and investigate the chair.
Stranger: It is so damn dark, there is nothing really to loot.
Stranger: The chair is just a normal plastic chair, just like the masses produced one in your office
Stranger: It is next to a round table, which is also plastic.
You: Is it light enough to pick up?
You: The chair, I mean.
Stranger: Yup
You: I loot the chair.
Stranger: But it is bolted to the floor.
You: Can I break the legs?
Stranger: You can try
You: I try
Stranger: You will probably fail again, since the plastic is reinforced.
You: I try to break off any part of the chair I can.
Stranger: You manage to bend the chair backwards. It should break if you just... Bend it further.... You give up. It snaps back, a crease is now visible.
Stranger: There are a few items on the table.
You: What items are on the table?
Stranger: There are the following; a plate of filet mingion, large fork and knife, a glass, and a... Um,
Stranger: You hope that's not what you think it is, or else that is really weird.
You: I loot all the items on the table. I equip the knife.
Stranger: The knife is sharp and serrated. It is supposed to be a steak knife, but really, it seems to be more of a weapon.
You: Sweet.
Stranger: As if, you were supposed to take it...
You: Finally, loot.
You: Can I hold it by the blade and use it as a club?
Stranger: That is not suggested, unless you have always wanted to replace your hand with ground beef.
You: damn
You: Alright
You: I roll initiative against the chair
You: I want to shank it
Stranger: The chair looms ominously.
Stranger: The chair rolls a... Hold on, getting dice...
Stranger: [Rolling, please wait,]
Stranger: You roll a 20.
You: Exce-fucking-lent
Stranger: You have the first attack, roll for damage.
You: I shank that fucking chair, roll to stab that bitch
Stranger: The knife is a 1-d6 weapon
You: Fair enough
Stranger: [Rolling,]
Stranger: You roll a 2, however, added to your basic attack bonus,
Stranger: This turns out to be a 3.
You: Which does?
Stranger: You manage to scratch the chair.
You: Victory
Stranger: The chair instantly concedes, and yields all of it's loot and information.
You: Sweet, what do I get
Stranger: "AAAH, please spare me!" Yells the chair.
You: "Fine," I say, and sheathe my knife. "Who do you work for?"
Stranger: "Nobody, I swear! They just bought me one day and bolted me here! Just ask the table, he'll tell you."
You: I raise an eyebrow at the table. "Is it true?"
Stranger: The table is stone cold, as well as silent. If you want any info out of him, you are going to at least need a higher basic attack bonus.
Stranger: "... Nevermind, I knew I couldn't trust him..."
You: I roll initiative against the table. I'm going unarmed here, I'm thinking a pile-driver off the chair.
Stranger: You roll an 11
You: If that's fair enough, I roll to perform a pile driver on the table
Stranger: The table rolled a 16.
You: Shit
Stranger: The table intimidates you, forcing you to notice the extremely odd thing on it's surface.
You: I examine it
Stranger: It is what you hoped it wasn't.
You: I was hoping it wasn't a gold bar
Stranger: Haha, nice try. You almost fooled the table with that one,
You: Fine, what is it
Stranger: The table silently congratulates you on your ingenuity.
You: I would thank the table
Stranger: As a reward, the table launches the large fork off of it'a surface directly at your face.
Stranger: It's
You: I roll to dodge
Stranger: You don't need to dodge, that is what your AC is for.
You: Oh cool
Stranger: Anyway, the table rolled a 15. So things are looking pretty bleak right now.
Stranger: Your AC is 10.
You: Alright, so what are my options?
Stranger: None, you are at the mercy of the table.
You: How do I deal with this fork? Also, didn't I loot the fork?
Stranger: No, you took the knife
You: I loot all the items on the table. I equip the knife.
You: Unqoute
Stranger: Luckily for you, despite the fact tables are known to be merciless
Stranger: And able to conjure forks at random times of need,
You: Shit
Stranger: Tables have a horrible accuracy penalty due to their lack of eyes.
You: Cool
Stranger: The fork launches odd in the completely wrong direction, and murders the mattress, which was lying in the bed, acting extremely floopy.
Stranger: Off*
You: "What treachery," I say, as I examine the object on the table again
Stranger: In fact, the mattress was almost going to willomie, but never got the chance.
Stranger: The table decides it is detested, and so, at last, launches the item that you never wanted to be there in the first place at your face
Stranger: This was the only item you could not loot
You: Can I attempt to catch it with a roll?
Stranger: It should say defeated
Stranger: And no
Stranger: The item hits you in the face
You: Oh well, I wasn't that pretty anyways
Stranger: It isn't very hard,
Stranger: Well, it is, but it is bendy...
You: Gold Bars usually are, so that's strange.
Stranger: It doesn't hurt you.
Stranger: Oh
Stranger: Ohoho
Stranger: The item that hit you in the face was almost just a gold bar
Stranger: However, the table forced it to be
Stranger: You shudder,
Stranger: A Gem Encrusted Purple Dildo. Wait, what?!
Stranger: What the hell?
You: I place the dildo on the floor. I roll initiative against it
Stranger: You cannot roll initiative against the dildo, it is too powerful.
You: Fuck
Stranger: It returns to your hands on its own accord
You: I look at the chair
You: I have very creepy look on my face
Stranger: "I know you're looking at me, but I can't see."
You: I approach the chair, and begin to rub the dildo along it
Stranger: "..."
Stranger: "What is that?"
You: I rub the chair vigorously
Stranger: "..."
Stranger: "Are you waxing me?"
Stranger: "Honestly, I can't tell."
You: "Take that you dirty, dirty slut," I cackle, before fucking the dildo through the back slits of the chair
Stranger: You attempt to do what you said you were doing, but you end up just jabbing the chair repeatedly.
Stranger: "Hello? What are you doing?!"
You: "DAMN." I decide to head over to the bet. I attempt to cut open a hole in the deceased matress, and the necro-fuck it with the dildo.
You: *bed
Stranger: The matress still has the fork in it, but begins to move again.
You: I roll to grapple the mattress
Stranger: Only occasionally do mattresses come back to life
Stranger: On these occasions, they do not appriciated being dead.
You: "THE TABLE DID IT," I inform
Stranger: The mattress, rather grumpily, shakes the fork from its head, it's large eyes blinking.
You: "You are pretty kawaii."
Stranger: The mattress looks over at you with a rather floopy expression.
Stranger: "What?"
You: "Translator's note Kawaii means plan"
Stranger: "I'm pretty plan?"
You: "Yes. By the way, why am I here?"
Stranger: The mattress quietly whurfed in confusion.
Stranger: "I don't know," it said.
Stranger: "I would assume for the same reason the rest of us are here."
You: "Fuck," I get up, and decide to sit in the chair. I use the dildo to idly stir the fillet mingion in my pocket.
Stranger: ... I don't understand how you do that, but you do it anyway.
Stranger: "... Oh, oh woah, are you sitting on me?"
You: "Yeah."
Stranger: "Whoa, that's weird,"
You: "Why not? You are a toilet, after all, you're made to be sit on?"
Stranger: "... I'm a chair,
You: "...Oh. ...Oops."
Stranger: "And yes, I am made to be sit on."
Stranger: "But that isn't what's weird."
You: "Okay."
Stranger: "And yes, I am aware you just used me like a toilet.
You: "Call the cops, I don't give a fuck."
Stranger: "What's weird is that you don't weigh much."
Stranger: "Like, at all."
You: "Oh, well, thank you."
Stranger: "I didn't even notice at first, until you pissed on me."
You: "I should have taken my pants off, but sometimes I forget things, Talking Toilet."
Stranger: "I am not a toilet."
You: "You aren't?..."
Stranger: "Anyway, you... Yes, we've been over this.
Stranger: "Besides, toilets have holes,
Stranger: I don't
You: "...Oh. ....Oops."
Stranger: "Yes, you already said that."
Stranger: "Anyway, you are probably a pretty skinny gal, then."
You: "I guess so. Unless the gravity here is really low. Hold on," I say, then try to jump
Stranger: "... Did you jump yet?"
You: I jump
Stranger: You fall back down at the correct time for normal gravity.
You: Well fuck
You: ...
You: "I may or may not have suffered severe blood loss that I forgot about."
You: I check my facial wound
Stranger: "You probably should go talk to the stool over there."
You: "There's a stool?"
Stranger: The chair is implying that the other "chair" at the table is really a stool.
Stranger: On closer inspection, it is.
You: "There was another chair?"
Stranger: Yup
You: "Fuck..."
You: I walk over to it. "Hi."
Stranger: The stool says nothing. It is a simple wooden stool.
You: I sit on the toilet.
Stranger: This is odd, since nobody uses or indeed has wood anymore.
Stranger: There is no toilet, so you sit on the chair
You: There wasn't?.... Oops.
Stranger: Yes, yes, oops, we get it.
Stranger: Go check the stool's motives or something.
Stranger: Or roll perception
You: I roll detect trap
Stranger: You roll a 14 to sense trap, plus your wisdom, which has decreased slightly due to the reason toilet slip-ups.
You: My brain fine works.
Stranger: It comes out to 17. There are no traps as far as you can see.
You: I roll perception on the chair
Stranger: You roll a 3.
Stranger: Anything the chair is trying to hide remains hidden.
Stranger: You are completeley eluded by the chair
You: I sit on the chair I peed on
Stranger: This is all the same chair
Stranger: You should be sensing traps and things for the stool
Stranger: "You know what," says the stool abruptly,"
You: "Oh, nice of you to join us."
Stranger: Without quotes at the end
Stranger: "Shut up,"
Stranger: "I'm tired of this just sitting here,"
You: "Do you want me to sit on you too?"
Stranger: "How long do I have to disguise as a stool for you to figure out that I am the one who brought you here?"
Stranger: Suddenly, where there was a stool, there is now a man.
You: "...Damnit. Always the last one you check," I say, standing up. "Who are you!?"
Stranger: "I," says the man stool, "Am Captain Mattix, Captain of this ship.
You: "Well... Hi." I say, standing up, smelling of cold fish, piss, and blood. "Why am I here?"
Stranger: Mattix is a large organized crime boss and general pirate, who is wanted by the government, which he basically controls anyway.
Stranger: "You're here for two reasons, really three."
You: "Alright."
Stranger: "One, you are the only source of law on this planet, therefore, you must be eliminated."
You: "Okay."
Stranger: "However, two, why waste such perfict material? I need you to be my personal investigator."
Stranger: "You will work for me only."
You: "Sweet. Time for money."
Stranger: "Not really, possible, maybe. We will see."
You: "Cool."
Stranger: Third, again, why waste such perfect material? Your body is wonderful, and currently, free, unlike every other female on this planet."
You: "Hell yeah, nigga. I should warn you, though. I am like, an absolute STD factory. Just warning you, I pick some stuff up from Betty sometimes, and well..."
Stranger: Betty is incapable of having STDs, due to the fact that one she is a robot, and two, she only ever is used by you.
You: I must be confusing her with some other robot I had sex with then
Stranger: ...
Stranger: Robots can't have stds
You: They can if they don't wash properly
Stranger: Fair point
You: "Anyways, I'm free for a reason."
You: "That reason being I'm a very loose woman."
Stranger: "Don't worry, I take care of all my things, and yes, that is another thing."
You: "Yes."
Stranger: "You will only lay with me. Never with anyone else."
You: "Sure. I mean, unless they ask."
Stranger: "Nope, not even then."
You: "I have a compulsive disorder where I have to say yes every time someone asks me to have sex with them."
Stranger: "Think about it this way, if you do that, then I WILL kill you.
Stranger: "Deal?"
You: "...Uh, okay. We gonna fuck or what?"
Stranger: "You have no idea."
You: "Sweet. By the way, this dildo is attatched to my hand. I hope you're cool with that."
Stranger: Currently, the man is dressed very nicely, with a vest, coat, and tie. He is very snazzy indeed.
You: Currently I am in a partially ruined trenchcoat sort of thing. I am all full of fish and piss and there's a dildo.
Stranger: In less than one millasecond, you are now wearing none of that, rather, nothing at all. You are not even in he same room. You are I a master bedroom, naked, and sprawled on the bed.
Stranger: In
Stranger: In a
You: "Did i miss it?"
Stranger: Mattix is still fully clothed, and at the other side of the room, fiddling with something.
Stranger: "No, of course not,"
You: "Alright." I say, looking around the room. What things are there.
Stranger: He then takes a syringe, and squirts it a small amount to test the flow.
You: I loot the bed
Stranger: The room is dark red, the dildo is on a bedstsnd, you won't be needing it. There are several lamps, some are on.
Stranger: You cannot loot anything because you don't have pockets.
You: I turn the blanket into a sack using girl-scout skills, then I loot the lamps
Stranger: Mattix walks over to you with the syringe. "Hold still, and no, you cannot do that.
You: I loot the syringe
Stranger: All items return to their origional places. Including the syringe
You: I loot Mattix
Stranger: "If you don't stop looting things," says Mattix, who is now directly on top of you, "I am going to kill you."
You: I loot death
Stranger: Death rejects you. You are not worthy of looting him.
You: I offer to have sex with Death
Stranger: In fact, death is wondering on whether he wants to loot you.
You: I make flirty eyes at Death
You: Can I roll to seduce Death?
Stranger: Death declines. He's on the job. Plus, you're not his type.
You: I am saddened, but understand. I hope we can still be friends.
Stranger: Death was never your friend, you stupid broad. He hopes you know that.
You: Sadness intensifies
Stranger: Mattix kisses your head seductively, then returns to his standing position.
You: "We fuckin' or what"
Stranger: "I am going to give you a sedative, it will numb you. You must inderstand, purification is a slow process."
You: "God dammit. Laaaaammmeee." I cross my arms and pout.
Stranger: Mattix approaches your arm with the needle. "I need your arm.
You: "Well, if you say so," I say, gripping my left arm with my right. I attempt to rip it off, do I need to roll for that?
Stranger: "You don't need to roll for anything," says Mattix, who is currently holding your severed left arm.
You: "Okay cool. Let me know when you're done with it."
Stranger: Your stump is not bleeding.
You: That makes sense. I probably lost all my blood from before.
Stranger: In fact, you are not quite sure when it was removed.
Stranger: In fact, your arm is not removed, but indeed attatched to your body.
You: I whistle idly as I wait for whatever.
Stranger: The sedative takes effect, your whole body goes numb.
You: "Hey look at me," I say, laying still. "I'm Terry Shivo!"
You: I drool
Stranger: You actually can't say anything, to be honest.
You: "ghghghghglghghghg"
Stranger: You feel a slight tingling sensation at the inside if your thigh.
You: Better not be the fucking marrow acting up again.
Stranger: No, inside as in exterior, but place, as in your pussy.
Stranger: I was avoiding the term because it sounds dumb
You: Which?
Stranger: You don't know, but you have the strangest feeling that it is the only one you have...
You: I have two, though.
Stranger: That doesn't quite make sense.
You: Sort of three, actually, but one's really small, and it just sota connects the other two
Stranger: That's one less than you remember.
Stranger: ...
You: Or, looking at it one way, I have a single H-shaped vagina
Stranger: You really are quite unsure of what is going on down there.
Stranger: You then see Mattix. His head looms over yours.
You: "ghghghghghghghgh"
Stranger: Actually, you think he is on top of you again.
You: Tis all the same
Stranger: He clenches your face and motions to be quiet.
You: "k."
Stranger: He kisses you, but you can't really feel it. Bummer, too, looks like he's doing a pretty good job.
Stranger: Actually... He looks like he's doing a job.
Stranger: An actual job
You: I remain somewhat bored now.
You: I can't really do anything but be bored since I'm numb
Stranger: You remember that you had herpes, or at least some weird cold sores on your mouth. What is goin' on with those?
You: I swear I didn't know. But hey, whatever.
Stranger: Damn that Betty stunt double
You: Damn her to robot her
You: *hell
Stranger: Yea
You: So anyways, this magical druglord is fucking my STDs out of my or something weird, but I don't really care I'm just sorta bored.
Stranger: Anyway, you instantly regain feeling, however, Mattix is now standing next to the bed.
You: I stand up. "Well alright then."
Stranger: "You may find this process extremely slow and boring, however, it is neccessary."
You: "K."
Stranger: "I would like to inform you, that nothing extremely spectacular has happenes, I am not a druglord, and you are currently a virgin."
Stranger: Happened.
You: What about all those aliens and robots I've been fucking for the last 20 years?
You: ""
Stranger: "They will still remain fucked. Quite well I would presume."
Stranger: "However, you will currently for approximately one minute will remain a virgin."
You: "I dunno man. I still remember rather vivid imagery of having fucking thousands of different individuals. I mean, physically, I guess, that's cool. But man. I have seen some shit."
Stranger: "Yes, you have fucked many, however, your body is now put
Stranger: Shit
You: "Put where?"
Stranger: "Your body is now pure, and has never fucked or been fucked by anything."
Stranger: "You also have never kissed anything."
You: "Except in like the metaphysical sense. Or the technical sense."
You: "Or really most senses I guess."
Stranger: "No. Your mind remembers your previous body."
Stranger: "Really, this is the same body, just altered a bit."
You: "But despite it's altered state, it has seen its far share of phallus and similair things."
Stranger: "No."
Stranger: "If you are convinced otherwise, I can repeat the process."
You: "I don't think it will help. By the way, what was that thing that broke into my apartm-- I mean, investigation station. You need to pay for the damages by the way. Also to my robot."
Stranger: "I will pay for nothing, and you will not think of those things. They are all taken care of."
You: "You mean paid for."
Stranger: "It has been longer than a minute. Quickly, examine your body, and tell me if it is acceptable."
Stranger: You probably should check yourself to see if you really are a virgin.
You: I examine my body, and find it is fairly flabby and average, somewhat hairy, loosely muscular, kinda lanky. My vagina, still H-shaped, seems to wobble in confusion.
Stranger: ...
Stranger: ........................
Stranger: ~~~~~~~~~~~|||~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stranger: Your body changes before your eyes.
You: Better be to something cool
Stranger: You are not flabby. You never were. You only observed yourself as this due to a low self esteem.
You: Are you calling me fat?
Stranger: Your body is not fat at all, or even average. Far beyond.
You: Far beyond, what mark?
Stranger: So extremely far away from obeisety
You: "Shit, I had hoped to save up enough fat in case I locked myself in the freezer again."
Stranger: You are very thin, and surprisingly good looking.
You: Surprising to whom?
Stranger: Seeing yourself raw and naked helps you see your true form.
Stranger: It is only suprising to you, since everyone else could we it the whole time.
You: Alright neat
You: Am I still hispanic
Stranger: Your body is not somewhat hairy, I mean, yea, you probably shoulda shaved your legs a bit, but nobody can really tell.
Stranger: Yes. Yes you are.
You: Cool, I don't need to change my character feats then
You: "Alright, this is pretty neat."
Stranger: You are not loosely muscular. Your body is sleek and thin, however, when you flex, your muscles are defined.
Stranger: One thing that is very very very different
Stranger: Is your vagina, which is clearly non longer an H, but rather an l.
You: I try to find the different thing
You: "...Hey, buddy. What's the deal with this thing?" I point at my vagina
Stranger: "I remodeled it."
You: I poke it, dissatisfied. "It's not as advanced though. It's like a downgrade."
Stranger: One other thing, is that upon closer inspection, you really are a virgin.
You: "Just like in my japanese animes," I inform.
Stranger: ?
You: "A baka gajin like you wouldn't understand, narrator-chan."
Stranger: Narrator-chan continues to not understand, and instead instantly turns into an adorable chibi.
You: "Neat."
Stranger: Yes, quite.
Stranger: It is really odd, you can clearly remember tearing the shit outta this thing, but here it is, pure as if it had never been used.
You: "That stuff in the syringe be cray-cray."
Stranger: "Would you like to look in the mirror? You will find that all traces of infection are gone."
Stranger: "Oh, and the syringe was actually a sedative. I myself fixed you."
You: "I thought that was what I was doing. Wasn't it? What was I looking at myself with just now?"
Stranger: "I don't know, I don't see through your eyes."
Stranger: "Mattix advances and puts his arms around your bare waist.
You: "Who said that?"
Stranger: "I can, however, see through my eyes."
Stranger: Narrator chan said that
You: "...Is this gonna be like a threesome, because that's cool too."
Stranger: "And they see a beautiful girl."
Stranger: Narrator chan is a virgin, and will remain that way due to the fact that he stays the Rick outta shit like this.
Stranger: Fuck
Stranger: Rick should be fuck
Stranger: Fuck you, Rick
You: "Oh Narrator-chan, you so crazy."
Stranger: Yea
Stranger: But, um, you should probably pay attention to Mattix, he is about yogi e you your first kiss.
Stranger: To give you
You: "Alright cool, let's do this," I say, ignoring Yogi bear stealing our picinic baskets.
Stranger: Mattix kisses you, and the world explodes around you. Metaphorically.
You: In like, the metaphysical sense or some shit?
Stranger: You've never felt something like this, even when you actually had your first first kiss.
You: "Nigga I be trippin' baaaalllllllssss..."
Stranger: Pretty much, that's what's going through your head
You: "Oh man, I am fucking WASTED... Do that shit again."
Stranger: This is quite possibly the best experience of your entire life.
You: Ehhh. I don't know. It doesn't satisfy my kleptomania or sociopathy enough.
Stranger: "I could do the procedure again, which would allow me to do that, however, if I continue to kiss you, the effect will resume."
Stranger: Before you answer, Mattix draws you in again, and kisses you.
You: "Yeah, just kiss me already, I'm about to trip straight up into one of those 70's montages with the flowers and the colors and the groovy music, just gogogogo."
Stranger: You find yourself on the bed, Mattie's shirt is removed. He is very muscular, and extremely attractive.
Stranger: Mattix
Stranger: Mattix is not me, by the way.
You: From a Romanticists, Victorian, or more Greeco-Roman point of view of male beauty?
You: Sure it isn't, Narrator-chan.
Stranger: Narrator chan has a 3 pack that can only be seen when he coughs a lot, is a lot more shy, derpy, and awkward than this, and definitely is still a virgin dumbass.
Stranger: This is not narrator chan
Stranger: This
Stranger: Is an NPC.
You: "Alright coolio, I'm digging this."
Stranger: Mattix has that one male beauty that makes you want to fuck him until your legs fall off.
Stranger: That is the view.
You: "Alright lets do this," I say. "Does your dick get people high too?"
Stranger: "You have no idea."
You: "Sweet. Alright, go for it, man."
Stranger: Suddenly, the most painful thing you have ever felt happens again, almost the exact same way as it did the first time.
You: I get maimed by a laser cannon again? "God dammit, fucking oww."
Stranger: No, you just lost your virginity again. Forcefully.
Stranger: So basically, yea, you get maimed by a laser cannon.
You: "Oh that isnt so bad. Kind of annoying, but whatever, this is alright. By the way I have high blood-pressure, so I might bleed a lot if you're squeamish." Which I end up doing and ruining the sheets.
Stranger: The sheets are red.
You: But dried blood is brown.
Stranger: Btw, you basically did just get maimed by a laser cannon. The dude does not dissapoint.
You: "Also, can I get a new right leg cloned, this shit also hurts."
Stranger: "No."
You: I cross my arms. "...You said something about not being a druglord too?"
You: "You're dirt poor aren't you?"
Stranger: Mattix thrusts you up onto the bed. You can't cross your ad
Stranger: SShir
You: I'll advertise whatever I want.
Stranger: I HATE MY KEYBOARD
Stranger: MOTHER FUCKING KEYS
Stranger: DISREGARD EVERYTHING I JUST SAID
Stranger: Mattix thrusts you up onto the back of the bed. Honestly, no matter how much you try to be cool and act like this is nothing, you can't. It's too much. You scream.
You: "I FUCKING LOVE JOURNEY!" I scream compulsively
Stranger: Why must you derail everything
Stranger: Miraculously, journey starts playing.
You: "Awwwww yeeeaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh."
Stranger: You don't even know where it's coming from.
You: "I'm high as fuck, niggggaaaaaaaa..."
Stranger: And then you feel it.
Stranger: Total complete ecstacy.
Stranger: It's like you reached nirvana.
You: "Swweeeeeeeettt. This is even better then the time I was tentacle raped by that planet way back when," I compliment, enjoying myself as the ceiling turns into wavy colors of the Mystery Machine.
Stranger: Each thrust is like a bolt of lightning through your body. It's electrIf.
Stranger: Electric
Stranger: Wait
You: "Zap zap, wwwwoooooo."
Stranger: It actually literally is electric, sparks are flying off your bodies.
You: "wdwefeff4g5t4h5EERTGT" I say, being electrocuted
Stranger: No, you aren't electrocuted
Stranger: But electricity is pumping through your body.
You: "Oh okay cool. Sorta," I say, my hair splaying all over the place
Stranger: It actually makes you feel as if you're flying.
You: "Man, I am so fucking high right now."
Stranger: "Actually,"
Stranger: "You are completely sober."
You: "Nigga, do you even brain chemistry and metaphysical conecpts," I deride. "Shush and keep going."
Stranger: He never stopped.
You: "He was distracting me."
Stranger: While you were distracted, you realise something happened, and is happening.
Stranger: Something is...
Stranger: He
Stranger: ...
You: Doom Paul levels of HAPPENING or what?
Stranger: You just got creampied.
You: Does that get me blazed something crazy or what?
Stranger: Well, except for it being literally the best feeling in the entire universe, not really.
You: "Pick one, that's a confusing prospect."
Stranger: Pick one,
Stranger: Wha
You: "Am I jacked or what?"
Stranger: You just experienced the most euphoric sensation known to females in the entire universe.
You: "So I'm blazed, rriiiiigghhtteeeeooouusss."
Stranger: The only better feeling is giving it.
You: "Alright, that was neat. What now?"
Stranger: "That WAS neat?" Asks Mattix.
You: "Or continues to be. Wanna go again?"
Stranger: You are panting, red, and sweat stricken. Mattix has yet to shed a bead of sweat.
You: "Sweet."
Stranger: "You see, I am doing my best here to please you. Am I doing a good enough job?"
You: I shrug, pouting out a lip. "Yeah, pretty good work mang, better than I expected. Not bad for a gringo."
Stranger: "You doubt my abilities?" His voice begins to hint a threat.
You: "...If I do, are you gonna go again? Because if so, then yeah."
Stranger: "I may just kill you in the process, but yes."
You: "That's cool. Go for it."
Stranger: Without warning, you are flipped around and slammed to the back of the bed.
Stranger: Well
You: "Neatoooo."
Stranger: The back part
Stranger: Something odd happens
You: "Better not be some voodoo shit goin' on."
Stranger: The size you were used to suddenly became unfamiliar, it's as if either it got bigger, or you got smaller.
You: "Or some Alice in Wonderland shit."
Stranger: Your face collides with his, you are silenced by his lips, which hug yours so tightly. His toung strokes yours.
You: "I thought I was flipped onto my stomach."
Stranger: Nope.
You: "Did I do a 360 or some shit?"
Stranger: Honestly, you don't know and neither do I.
Stranger: Only Mattix knows
You: "Whatever, this is cool enough," I say, then I kiss the dude and get high.
Stranger: You can't say
Stranger: You are literally unable to breathe.
Stranger: Besides through your nose.
You: 'BUT I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE,' I think
Stranger: You are beginning to asphyxiate. Learn fast.
You: I attempt to breathe in through my ears. Do I have to roll for this?
Stranger: No. Death will not allow you to breathe through your ears.
You: 'Fucking Death," I think. I immediatly claw into my chest, trying to tear a hole straight into my lungs to let me breathe. I roll initiative against my rib cage.
Stranger: You roll a 7
Stranger: Rib cage rolls 12
You: Fuck
You: How many rounds until I die
Stranger: Mattix breathes into you, and you inhale.
You: I happily take on a lungful of already used air. Thanks Matt.
Stranger: The funny thing is, you don't breath in carbon dioxide. You take a lungfull of fresh oxygen.
You: 'God dammit I'm fucking a tree again... d'oh well,' I figure and just roll with it.
Stranger: No, you inhale oxygen
Stranger: That means Mattix is a tree or something
You: 'This is obviously what I mean.'
You: I exhale it back, shrugging.
Stranger: Mattix accepts the air, but doesn't need it.
You: 'Alright. Sorta passively detaching from this by now. Also I think I missed Cowboy Bebop,' I think sadly.
Stranger: Mattix pulls your hips as far in as possible.
You: In relative to what?
Stranger: Physically
You: Alright.
Stranger: Before, he wasn't getting in all the way because you weren't big enough.
You: Okay.
Stranger: He stops and throws you back towards the head of the bed.
You: "Well god dammit," I state, now tossed to the other side.
Stranger: He stands up and storms off to a dresser, where he slides everything off it in rage.
Stranger: "GRRAAAAAH!"
You: "...Are you done?"
Stranger: "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, NO, I CAN LITERALLY GO FOREVER."
You: "...Alright. Who pissed in your cheerios today, dude?"
Stranger: "BUT WHY, WHY CAN'T I SATISFY YOU, OR GET YOU TO TAKE ANY OF THIS SERIOUS?!"
You: I blink at him. "Just because. I don't really give much of a fuck about anything. The strongest emotions I am capable of feeling range from 'That's cool' to 'That's annoying'. My range doesn't go any farther."
You: "
Stranger: "FUCK!"
You: I look at him solemnly. "Also, why did you have sex with me on this toilet?"
Stranger: Mattix gives up.
Stranger: "Just... Go. If I cannot satisfy you, then you are of no use, and I am of less his
Stranger: You find yourself fully clothed.
You: [I think you fucked the end of that up]
Stranger: He is less useful.
You: I shrug, patting down my clothing and making sure it fits. Does it still smell of fish and piss or was it cleaned?
Stranger: It was cleaned.
You: "Cool thanks... And uh. You took care of the damages you said? Right? My robot is alright?"
Stranger: And there is nothing you would want to do to me that would be better than what I can do to you?
Stranger: In quotes
Stranger: "And yes."
Stranger: Mattix is bent over the bed.
You: I shrug at him. "If you wanna fuck, you can come visit me you know. That's cool, you're a pretty good lay."
You: "I'm usually hanging around there anyways."
Stranger: "That's... That's not the point.
Stranger: "
You: I shrug again. "Well, alright then. You sure you don't need investigative work done? I mean, the sex is free, but I charge for that."
Stranger: "I am nothing. I need no work done."
Stranger: "You talk as if you are a whore who cannot be saved."
You: I shrug. "Well, you did kidnap me, with the express purpose of fulfilling a power fantasy. I ain't liable if shit doesn't go the way you want. By the way, uh, can you get your giant bat to fly me back down to my office? It's a long way."
Your conversational partner has disconnected.