Thread 47: Stories 31-45

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 NC
>???
"???"
~~~

Miles and miles and miles away, sitting next to a mailbox.

>My invitation is coming... it's gotta be coming... any minute now... aaaaany minute now...

"Shiny? It's four in the morning, what are you doing-"

>THE MAIL WILL ARRIVE ANY SECOND!

"You could just ask-"

>IT'S NOT AS SPECIAL!
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 >42
"???"
'???'
~~~~

That voice, that sudden cry....

Impossible.

But really, after every miraculous thing that's happened since coming to Canterlot Castle, she should have known the word 'impossible' had no place in her life anymore. For it was at that moment that a black mass shot across the clearing and struck the manticore over the face, causing it to stumble, a growl of annoyance rumbling in its throat.

"HEY UGLY! YOU WANT GUARDBUG? YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH ME FIRST!”

There was that voice again, still so full of childlike wonder that 42 found the strength to lift her head every so slightly. Blurred outlines took on shape and after a few clearing blinks she beheld the youngling 56 standing before her. That hunched over form of his, accompanied by a challenging smirk, suggested that foolish little bug actually planned on dueling.

Her heart seized with dread when the manticore regarded her hivemate like a newly discovered insect, curiosity overshadowing all else.

"YEAH YOU! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M TAGGIN' IN SO LET'S DO THIS!”

Unlike with her, there was no inclination that the manticore understood or acknowledged the fact that 56 was talking. It blinked, head tilting, then slowly began to lift one of its monstrous paws into the air.

"What? You gonna high-five me?! Nuh-uh, I'm here to fight so let's fight!”

It was going to squish him, 42 realized. Reduce 56 to the width of a quarter.

Her right leg twitched, a laughable display for all the strain and energy that went into trying to move, to get up, to fly, to do something!

Fangs bared and grit to the breaking point, she struggled until she felt faint as that paw continued to rise…

Fuck.

And rise…

Fuck!

Hover in place...

FUCK!

Then fall.

>56 MOVE!


She felt a great pressure crash into her side and the next thing she knew she was sent flipping over the grass, away from the manticore and out from under the path of its plummeting paw. It hit the ground with all the force of a wrecking ball, sending a wave of tremors in all directions, rattling trees.

>56!

Yelling hurt as if shards of glass were being shoved down her throat but 42 yelled again, and she kept yelling her hivemate's name as she fruitlessly struggled against whatever restrained her. Her hooves pawed at the dirt in a bid at escape, her eyes were beginning to glisten with moisture- that manticore stood there with an almost prideful air, the paw used to crush her hivemate twisting and grinding in the ground as though trying to scrape it clean.

Such raw anger coursed through her battered form that 42 didn't even notice the wave of warmth flowing into her, rejuvenating and sustaining her.

She lashed out a hoof that had no hope of reaching the manticore at her distance.

>YOU BASTARD! GIVE HIM BACK TO ME! 56!

"Yeah, 42?”

>…

The called Changeling came trotting around to her forefront, just as spritely and full of life as she'd ever seen him.

Not a pancake underneath the manticores hoof.

>…

"Need somethin'? What'd ya call me for?”

She started blubbering, something wholly new to the battle-hardened Changeling.

>I... I thought y-you... that you were-

'BY THE HIVE THAT FORGETS MINE EXISTENCE IF THOU EVER CONCEDES TO SUCH STUPIDITY AGAIN THERE WILL NO FORTHWITH SAVING FROM THIS CHANGELING!’

Disbelief overrode her previous joy and 42 flipped around to see a very irate 29 glaring daggers at her. He withheld her a hoof while brushing stray leaves and pinecones from his chitin with the other.

>…29?

'Indeed! Who else would daringly risk life and limb to save two cohorts in trouble? None other than I, 29 the brave!’

56 scoffed.

"Brave? Cuz, ya leapt out the window screechin' like a plotless demon 'cause of some beepin' noises. Real brave there. Though ya get cool points for divin' in to save us!”

‘SILENCE!'

When a stunning silence did fall, it was not a summons to 29's embarrassed command, but because the manticore, upon noticing that the underside of its paw was quite bare, had turned it's head to them, taking a second to count the added morsels before puffing out its extensive chest and loosing a roar to stir the winds.

"YOUR BREATH REALLY STINKS! LIKE A DIRTY PLOT EVEN! ...but well, a dirty booty can sometimes be nice, too, I guess... like, a good dirty? Yeah- BUT YOURS IS A BAD DIRTY! GET A DANG BREATH MINT!”

By now, that warmth from before had spread to every able vein still pumping blood, and 42 knew what it was.

Love.

Pooling in from 29, and from 56, from the two who risked their own lives to save her. She was feeding off the love they were so graciously giving off... and by the Queen did it feel good, like getting two months worth of rest in the span of thirty seconds.

A majority of the cracks in her chitin were sealed. Her vision had stabilized itself. That dreadful throbbing in her head was dulled to a tolerable ache.

But best of all.

'Whoa, whoa, 42! The blows from that beast of beasts were quite jarring, don't rush thineself lest thou intends to further wreck thineself!’

She could stand. Panting and covered in a fine sheen of sweat, 42 firmed her quivering legs and lifted her head towards the manticore, defying it with posture.

>You two... get out of here. This is my fight.

Even when 56 immediately began to object, 29 merely regarded his Changeling sister. This was the worst he'd ever seen her, all the lost blood, the wavering, the cracks... and yet... as she stared down that snarling manticore, this was also the most he'd ever felt so sure she was going to win.

'56. Let us go. This battlefield of carnage is not for us. 'Tis only for the strong, for the warriors... for her. Come.'

"B-but- but…."

The will to further argue was staunched by the oddly solemn glint in 29's eyes and the little Changeling submissively folded his ears, forlornly glancing at his hivemate before sauntering past.

He whispered as he passed.

"You'd better win…."

She felt another surge of heated love strike her, not as heavy as earlier but enough to ease her breathing.

>I will.

It seemed the manticore, amazingly enough, possessed a sort of battle etiquette. That was the only reasonable explanation 42 could find to explain why it waited until both 29 and 56 had scrambled off to the side, out of harm's way.

Then it leapt with both all legs outstretched, aiming to take her down in a single pounce. But 42 was smaller, quicker, and pivoted at the last second, wincing as those razor sharp talons grazed her side. That burst of pain didn't stop her from swinging her leg into the back of its head and sending it flying face-first into a tree.

>Round two, monster.

A little hoof punched the air.

"GO 42!"
~~~~

'FOR THE LOVE OF LOVE, USE THINE LASERS! THINE LASERS! THOU HATH THEM AT THE READY SO USE THEM JUSTLY!’

Twilight had fallen, blocking out a good majority of everything from immediate view, yet that didn't stop a certain prissy Changeling from yelling out the obvious even while 42 ducked underneath the hollowed husk of a toppled tree.

She flipped onto her back, pressed her hindlegs to the underside and strained, using a little of what love she'd managed to gain back to kick it at the charging manticore.

It smashed against the creatures face but she still had to frantically roll out of its stampeding path.

>I am the punchbug, not laserbug! PUNCH! Using lasers is unsporting in a fair hoof-to-paw battle!

She could almost see 29's head flip.

'FAIR BATTLE? This hulking beast has thee by at least four moons! How doth this jaded match be FAIR by any stretch?’

She would've answered if not for the poisonous tail trying to impale her on the ground. Every jump was closer than the last as it speared the dirt only to unearth itself and try again.

>You know nothing of the ways of the warrior so hold your tongue, 29! When I take this giant down, I want to be because of my own merit, my own strength, not because of some magic bla-aaaaaaAAAAAAGH!

Abandoning attempts at skewering her, the manticores tail chose to wrap itself around her tail and swing her into a tight knit cluster of thorn bushes. Thorn bushes that on any other love-filled day would've posed no problem whatsoever, but now, 42 felt every prick and prod those spikes branches had to offer.

"29! Cuz, you gotta shut up, you're distracting her!”

>Thank you!

'MINE GOAL IS TO ADMINISTER HELP TO AN OTHERWISE STUBBORN-'

A boulder was hurled through the air with all the ease of a frisbee and 42 felt her breath catch when she realized she couldn't move, that she too deeply entangled to dodge.

"42 GIDOUTTATHERE!”

'LASER IT YOU FOOL!’

>AAAAAAH DAMN IT!

Her horn sparked like blades colliding and a sickly green hue swam the length of it, vibrating and gathering towards the tip.

‘FINALLY!'

But she misfired, being held down at an awkward angle, and her mouth stretched past normal limits in a blazing cry of pain when that green jet of magic struck her hoof instead.

As a blinding flash ignited the area, she watched as the laser didn't merely blow a hole in her hoof as she thought it would... but melded with it, outlining her hoof with the viciousness of a serrated edge. Blood-dribbling cracks were bursting into life all along her newly radiated appendage, her entire arm shook, the pain was nigh unbearable but shock and adrenaline dulled everything else.

>H-how is this possi-

"BOULDER BOULDER BOULDER!”

Instincts took over and 42 lurched forward as best she could, lifting her hoof to the sky before bringing it down in a slice that severed the rock intending to smash her clean in half, each piece cascading past and thudding off in the surrounding darkness.

The manticore was frozen after that, stunned and perplexed by the green glow pulsing from 42's hoof.

'Doth mine eyes deceive...? Is... no. No, no, this can’t be, what trickery hath she wrought?’

"I'll tell you what she did! She invented the Laser Punch!”

Laser Punch... a punch fused with all the deadly intricacies of a laser. Might and magic, together.

Somehow, that too seemed to bring a touch of unfairness to everything.

But, as 29 so eloquently pointed out, that big bastard had her in nearly every other category. What did one handicap matter?

She was running without remembering the start, tearing free from her thorny prison without a care to the anguish. She didn't know how long this... this new weapon of hers would last but the manticore was distracted by it. A split-second hesitation.

And a split-second was all she needed.

In a blink, she'd emptied all her love reserves into her legs, bounding forward at a breakneck speed. The manticore let loose a beastly howl when she sped by on the left, using her laser hoof to sear open a gash on both its legs. As it started to waver, she dug in her hooves and pushed off hard in reverse, carving out matching wounds on its other legs.

A satisfying tremor shook the area when the manticore collapsed, first in a feeble crouching position, determined to stand even with severed tendons, before finally thudding onto its side.

The silence only lasted a second before 56 was cheering and jumping and hugging 29 who was still shellshocked.

"SHE DID IT SHE DID IT SHE REALLY FREAKING DID IT! LASERPUNCHBUG DID IT!”

>No….

With her hoof still aglow, 42 approached the fallen beast at a haggard limp.

>This... this weapon is too dangerous... it's t-too lethal….

Talking was a terrible chore, but then again, so was scaling that heaving mass of meat.

>I'm not laserpunchbug... because if I was…

Now situated on what was perhaps her toughest stress-reliever to date, 42's bleary eyes found those of the manticore. They shared a single glance that spoke many things, mostly loathing and abhorrence of one another... but also of a paper thin mutual respect.

A mild crackling sound like wood burning could be traced to her glowing hoof as she lifted it, taking sharp aim.

Knowing its fate, the manticore squeezed its eyes shut.

>If I was... then that'd m-make me a monster….

And she struck without mercy, easily slicing into the ground right next to the manticores head.

>And I am no monster.

Like a dying lightbulb, the green glow around her hoof flickered before dying out completely, leaving behind a cracked, seared, blood-dripping hoof that would considered a miracle of nature if it ever worked properly again.

She met the confused eyes of the manticore again. It had to be wondering why it was still alive after being defeated.

>B-because I... I’m....

Unfortunately, exhaustion had come to claim the tired punchbug and she gracefully accepted it without struggle, only remembering the flighty sensation of falling before everything melted away into a sea of soothing darkness….

Because I... am 42. Punchbug. Not a monster.

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>Suckerpunch
-Royal Guards-
“41”
~42~

----------

Suckerpunch and a group of Royal Guards walk the halls in a small tight group, heading for the Simulator room.

-Why are we going to the simulator?-

>Princess Applejack’s orders, that’s all I know.

They enter the room to find 42 standing by the simulator control panel, looking stone faced.

~So, I hear you guys like to fight.~

The group stands, uneasy and unwilling to speak out against the legendary changeling soldier.

~You like to fight Changelings, specifically. For no reason. Drones that were on Princess Applejack’s business.~

~That’s right. A lone drone, wandering the castle halls to bring Applejack some cake. He was attacked, his cake stolen. No serious injuries, thankfully. He says some guards jumped him in a hallway, but wasn’t able to identify them. But you guys wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?~

-The Princess may have forgiven you bug monsters, but I won’t forget what you did that easily!-

42 squints her eyes and stares at the group.

~I think you guys need to work off some of your tensions, let off some steam, what do you say?~

-No way! I’m not fighting you, you’d tear me in half!-

~Fair enough. But you Royal Guard have gotten soft in time. You need to understand the intensity of a fight, the consequence of your own actions. What it’s like to kill, and to die.~

An audible gulp ran through the assembled guards,

~I need a volunteer~

The group remains still.

~I already told you, you won’t be fighting me. There’d be nothing to learn except what it feels like to have a hoof where your heart should be. Now, who’s volunteering?~

The group steps back, pushing at Suckerpunch.

-Suckerpunch volunteers! He has the most fighting experience!-

Forced into a hypothetical corner, 42 looks at Suckerpunch and raises her eyebrows. Defiantly he stands tall and takes a step forwards.

>I volunteer.

~How appropriate.~

42 stomps on the ground twice, and from the hallway behind her 41 enters. Suckerpunch and 41 lock eyes, she makes a mock ‘angry snarl’ face at him and lets out a playful growl.

~ I believe you two already have a bit of a rivalry going on, yes? 41 attends my twice weekly combat training sessions, where I keep our soldier class changelings fit and capable. No match for myself, but more than a match for you, I expect.~

>Why do this? What’s the point?

~Because if you guards are so ready, so willing to FIGHT, then you should get to experience a fight.~

~A real fight, not a sparring match or a brawl or a 3 on 1 assault in a dark hallway, just an honest no rules fight. To the death. See what it’s all cut out to be. What could happen with one misplaced blow, or one strike too many.~

>Are you sure this is safe?

-It’s been thoroughly tested, none of it is real. At the end of the fight all injuries on both parties will heal and you will both be completely unharmed.-

Suckerpunch’s stomach twists itself into a knot, he had been relieved when their earlier fight was called off.

41 tries to hide her concern, uneasy with the concept of experiencing death so casually…

But if he’s ok with it so am I.
But if she’s ok with it so am I.

They look to another in unison and nod
>”Alright.”

42 walks to the simulator door and starts poking at the control terminal.

~Any preference for the combat setting? Arena, prison, obstacle course, hospital…~

>Hospital sounds like it could be good.

“Nah, hospitals are no fun to fight through.”

>What is fun to fight through?

“Gardens, electronics shops, antique stores - but only if they’re classy.”

>Antique store sounds fun. Load up the swankiest one you got!”

42 stands for a moment poking at the terminal until the door slides open with a pneumatic hiss.

Before them is quite possibly the fanciest antique store to ever have existed. It is lined with sprawling shelves filled with books, curios, trinkets and all other sorts of collectibles. Shrunken zebra heads, master crafted crystal bottles, ancient tomes written by tribes when the world was new, all manner of antique and historically significant weapons… Neither 41 nor Suckerpunch were culturally or historically savvy, but the contents of this room fascinated even them.

They walk inside, careful not to disturb the priceless treasures on every side. Suckerpunch watches 41’s reflection in a nearby mirror.

>Woow, this mirror is INCREDIBLE! I don’t think that’s glass, that’s a sheet of solid diamond! That stone must have been staggering!

41 quickly trots over and taps on the mirror, an incredulous look on her face.

“Holy greenspit I think you’re right!”

For a moment they stand there admiring the incredible craftsmanship put into the mirror.

>I think this mirror’s enchanted, 41. It manages to make even YOU look cute!

“Don’t think flattery’s going to make me punch you less hard.”

A loudspeaker booms overhead.

-Umm, guys? It’s a simulation, remember? The mirror’s not real, it’s just magic holograms. You’re supposed to be fighting.-

41 glances back to the door and finds it has vanished, leaving more store and more wonders in its place.

Suckerpunch looks over to 41 with trepidation.

>Sooo…. How do we do this?

“I dunno. Do we just start hitting eachother? This feels weird.”

>Yeah… Tell ya what, how about we both wander around in different directions for a minute and then play some cat and mouse? Hunt around a bit.

“Ok. I’m not going easy on you though! We’re gonna settle this, once and for all!”

They bolt in different directions and begin to prepare.

Suckerpunch weaves in between high shelves scouting for hiding places and anything he could use as a weapon or distraction.

41 ducks through the lower shelves, hiding between furniture and crawling under tables. She zaps a few lightbulbs in the ceiling, creating dark corners and nooks she can use for surprise attacks.

42’s voice rings out through the PA system.

~Fight!~

Suckerpunch deftly hops from bookcase to bookcase, traveling along the tops of them. He is half running and half flying, neither wing nor hoof making a sound louder than a pin drop, a technique perfected by General Firefly herself.

41 skulks around the darkened area, maintaining a combat stance and staying in cover.

Suckerpunch spots the dimly lit side of the room and investigates from his narrow elevated pathways.

41 swivels her ears searching for any hint of sound. Nothing to break the silence but the rapid beat of her heart, her muted breathing, the soft creak of hoof on wooden floor.

Hearing a creak Suckerpunch quickly investigates. He sees 41 crouched between bookshelves, looking down the halls in his direction, but she hasn’t spotted him yet.

Suckerpunch heaves a book behind her, landing with a solid thud.

41 quickly spins, swinging powerful blows into the empty air.

He takes his chance and capitalizes on the setup. With trademark pegasus speed he flies in and body-checks her in the back, following up with 3 lightning fast strikes before disengaging.
She flinches from the hits, flank, back and neck. She turns around just in time to see him out of hoof’s reach.

He throws a book at her face, hoping for a momentary distraction to let him break line of sight. She quickly burns it to ash with a laser from her horn. It succeeded and he had flown back into hiding.

“Not gonna lie, those were some good hits Suckerpunch! I’ll give credit where credit’s due, I can feel them starting to bruise already”

Having disengaged he resumes searching for 41’s new location.

He lurks in the darkened area, her side of the antique shop, going from bookshelf to bookshelf, peeking down periodically. The dimness and dust in the air has him peeking for much longer than he’d like, needing time to adjust to the darkness.

41 spots some tail hairs hanging down from the top of one of the shelves.

She gets a short running start and rams into the bookshelf he is on with the power of a small train. Half of it explodes, paper, shards of glass and splinters of wood flying outward. It begins to tip over. She leaps upwards as Suckerpunch abandons his hiding spot, landing a solid uppercut to his hip.

The extra force of the blow bumps Suckerpunch into the ceiling, his wing smacks against it leaving him unharmed but disrupting his flight. He drops several feet and spins to one side.

41 leaps towards him and begins to fly. He is the better flyer by far, but this was her chance to catch up. Wings flapping furiously, she maneuvers towards him with all the grace and elegance of a tank.

All the power of a tank too.

She spins in place and bucks him in the ribs, a sickening crack sounding in the air. He is thrown across the store and crumples into a pile. Suckerpunch lets out a muffled grunt. Adrenaline surges through his veins as possibilities run through his mind.

He’ll be safe there. He can out-maneuver her easily, but only if he sees her coming.

Crouching behind some boxes he catches his breath and prepares for her attack. He needs a new plan, she’s too smart to fall for hiding on a bookcase again.

For a few minutes there is only silence, both parties tending to their injuries, catching their breath and gathering strength in any way they can. Preparing for the fight to come.

Suckerpunch works in silence, ears swiveling and turning for any hint of a noise.

He hears a faint hum, a quiet zap and the tinkling of broken glass. She’s coming.

Careful to maintain her advantage, 41 begins to advance. She carefully shatters the lightbulbs in her path, hoping to fight Suckerpunch in the darkness again.

41 advances driving a spear of darkness into Suckerpunch’s side of the arena.
Suckerpunch holds his position, listening intently.

41 crosses the threshold of one bookcase into a small branching path. She feels slight resistance against her hoof before it vanishes, a string of bells ringing noisily.

His tripwire triggered, 41 takes off in the direction of the sound, payload at the ready.

41 tries to look in all directions at once, spinning in place, trying to counter Suckerpunch’s interdiction.

He darts through the narrow lanes and spots 41’s rear end.

He throws a bag of white powder, coating them both head to hoof.

The PA system activates.

-Oh, nice move! Glowdust!-

41 looks down to her hooves, she is shining with a bright pink light, casting a soft glow on her surroundings

~What’s glowdust?~

Stealth advantage removed, Suckerpunch retreated again.

-It was developed to counter Zebra stealth tactics during our second major war with them. It reacts to the bio-magical fields of non-ponies and makes them glow. No effect on ponies whatsoever-

A head-on attack was suicide. One lucky hit with her full power behind it could take him clear out.

~That sounds really useful. Why haven’t I heard of it before?~

-It causes cancer. Like, a LOT of cancer.-

“Cancer?! Suckerpunch, you dick!”

Silently hovering behind bookcases he watches the pink glow through the cracks between shelves.

>Shit, really? FUCK!

Having given away his position she charges and leaps at the bookcase. The massive oaken piece of furniture is sturdier than it looks, 41 breaks through other side and flops to the ground, shaken and slightly concussed.

~It’ll just be SIMULATED cancer, don’t worry!~

Wary of letting 41 land another blow Suckerpunch decides to disable rather than try to finish her. Her tough chitin and love reserves make her a hard target, after all.

41 begins to stand, shaking debris off of herself when Suckerpunch lands a flight-kick with enormous force directly to her left wing.

“AAUGH!”

An involuntary scream issues forth as her wing bends the wrong way with a loud crack. It hangs limply at her side.

>OhmyCelestia, are you okay?

“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU BROKE MY WING! SHIT FUCKING HURTS!”

-Nice hit Suckerpunch! Keep fighting!-

41’s horn charges and glows an incandescent green before blasting Suckerpunch in the chest, leaving a deep burn.

“I GIVE AS GOOD AS I GET SUCKERPUNCH!!”

Flying off to the opposite end of the store Suckerpunch looks around in the darkness for anything that could help him in the fight. A sideroom reading ‘Historical Armaments’ piques his interest.

The gasp of surprise nearly gives away his position.

41 continues to lurk the store, sticking to the lit area.The darkness was her enemy now.

Suckerpunch prepared his plan as 41 leveled everything in the lit section of the store. Any shelf, table, chair or statue taller than a hoof was torn down, knocked over and smashed to bits. Couldn’t let Suckerpunch sneak up on her, this fight was going to be in the open.

Suckerpunch hovers on the edge of the darkness.

She quick-charges a shot and lets it fly, he barely dodges before making a pass over her, out of reach of her melee strikes. A trail of clinking metal falls behind him. He makes another pass and she swings ineffectually.

Suckerpunch flies back to his starting point, 41 decides a change of tactics is in order and begins to charge.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 She makes it all of 3 steps before lifting her leg, screaming. A metal spike is embedded deep into her hoof.

-Fucking brutal Suckerpunch!-

~Holy shit, caltrops?! Those haven’t been used since the Minotaur Crusades! They’re a war crime!~

-No rules means no rules, remember?-

As 41 loses her footing she tumbles to her side, another 3 caltrops piercing her flesh, metal barbs hooked deep into her torso. A panicked scream issues forth.

“AAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Suckerpunch flies towards her position, dragging a massive Gryphon Warhammer behind him. The bronze head drags against the ground as he advances.

41 lies incapacitated, desperately trying to stand but only managing to flop around.

-Nice work Suckerpunch! Finish her off!-

She begins to hyperventilate, her primal instincts telling her to run away, to cry, to yell for help, to do something, ANYTHING.

Suckerpunch focuses all his strength into lifting the warhammer, barely managing to get the head off the ground.

“IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH, SOMEPONY HELP ME!”

She coughs up a mouthful of green blood onto the ground. He flaps towards her screaming form.

“DON’T DO IT, I DON’T WANNA DIE”

Tears run across her face as she cries, begging her friend for mercy.

-Crush her like the bug she is!-

>Do I have to?

“NO! NO YOU DON’T! YOU DON’T HAVE TO!”

~The simulation won’t end until the fight is over.~

Suckerpunch looks down to his friend, she’s hyperventilating and moaning, panicked and afraid. His stomach twists into a knot and the consequences of his actions become unbearable.

“D-d-d-don’t do it! Please!”

>Turn it off.

~Simulator fights are supposed to be to the death, it’s not that bad. I’ve done it.~

>TURN IT OFF!

~Alright, I’m working on it, hold on!~

-The fights are to the death, Suckerpunch, just hurry up! You’ll get out when she dies!-

>IT’LL BE TO YOUR DEATH IF YOU DON’T GET US OUT OF THIS FAUSTDAMN TORTURE CHAMBER THIS FUCKING SECOND!

~I’m working, I’ll have you out of there as soon as I can!~

42 hammers feverishly on the keys, trying to disengage the simulation.

-Suckerpunch, I’ll spawn a box of grenades. It’ll help speed things up!-

A Royal Guard walks to the terminal and begins hitting buttons.

~What are you even doing?!~

42 pushes the guard away only for another to take his place.

-Oh! A chainsaw! Let me get you a chainsaw in there, that’ll be sweet!-

The control terminal locks up, keys not responding to 42’s frantic taps.

~I’ll get you out of there as soon as I can, okay Suckerpunch? There’s a small problem with the terminal but I’ll have it fixed real soon.~

Suckerpunch hovers in place. On one hoof, 42 is working to fix the problem and end the simulation. On the other hoof, he cannot ignore 41’s distressed groans and gurgling breaths.

Empowered with adrenaline and fear Suckerpunch lifts the enormous hammer high over his head and slams it into the wall.

>TURN!

A boom rings through the room as a strong blow strikes the holographic surface.

41 feebly coughs, trying to clear the blood from her lungs. 42 continues tapping at keys, pushing royal guards away from the terminal.

>IT!

The hammer heaves into the wall again, the wall panel flickering out of existence for the blink of an eye.

41’s panicked breaths echo in his mind. The royal guards step back, out of 42’s way.

>OFF!

Another powerful swing of holographic bronze against holographic wood and a portion of the wall fades away, leaving the black wall of the chamber visible.

She tries to move, only managing to let out an anguished wail as the barbed hooks dig deeper into her flesh. The royal guards watch in silence as 41 writhes in pain.

~I’m trying, calm down soldier! Who knows what damage you could be doing?! Just hang on!~

>END!

A clanging thud resonates around the room as the hammer impacts, electricity arcs from a dent in the wall.

She lays in a rapidly growing pool of green blood. The guards stand dumbfounded, barely daring to breathe.

>THIS!

A small hole is torn in the siding, wires and enchanted gems and light specked circuit boards and exposed, vulnerable to his wrath.

She begins to shiver and quake uncontrollably. The guards watch in silence as Suckerpunch panics.

>NIGHTMARE!

He heaves the warhammer into the hole, widening it. Damaged electronics crackle and spark with energy and the hammer fades from existence.

She lays still, her terrified eyes shrinking to pinpricks as she feels the icy claw of the Grim Reaper reaching deep into her heart.

~Suckerpunch, STOP! Who knows what damaging that equipment could do?!~
42 continues working at the terminal, trying to fix its frozen status. The guards look on in horror as the life begins to fade from 41’s eyes.

He dives in, ripping and tearing and screaming, kicking and growling and punching in every way he knows how. Clumps of wires are torn from their sockets, gems are shattered on the ground, circuit boards are cracked in half and tossed aside.

Electricity arcs through the open hole, burning his face and hooves.

~GET OUT OF THERE!~

Blocking out the pain Suckerpunch keeps digging, destroying every bit of electro-magical equipment he can get ahold of.

The world falls away piece by piece as 41 lays still, alternating between hyperventilation and sobbing.

41’s eyes are unfocused, like she’s looking at something far in the distance. She speaks, barely mumbling “I’m so cold, Suckerpunch. S-so cold. I-I-I’m scared…”

>I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY!

He continues to rip and tear and crack and smash, bringing to bear every ounce of anger, every drop of fury, every scrap of strength against this evil machine.

>PLEASE HANG ON 41! STAY WITH ME!

A loud electrical explosion goes off, a cascade of white hot sparks flooding from the hole for a split second before the entire room goes dark.

Emergency lights cast a pale red glow over the room, now devoid of any illusions, projections or magic of any kind. Its only contents a changeling and a pegasus, both recovering from their experience.

41 continued to tremble and whimper. Her wounds had healed, but the memory, the pain, the fear, they all remained. Stress hormones poured into her blood and it was all she could do to stop from openly sobbing.

The experience had been all too real.

Suckerpunch lay still near the sparking hole, electricity arcing across torn wires and shattered gems.

42 and the guards burst inside the room.

-Oh Celestia, are you guys okay?!-

Suckerpunch slowly rose to his hooves on shaking legs, electrical burns ran all along his face, his jaw, his hooves. Every body part he used to destroy the circuits and wires was red and scorched.

>No. No we aren’t.

41 looked over at him and wept for her friend.

“W-why’s he hurt?”

~The electricity’s not part of the simulation. It wasn’t holographic electricity… It wasn’t causing holographic damage.~

Slowly, deliberately, Suckerpunch walked up to 42 staring straight into her eyes. His gaze burned with intensity, betrayal and accusation.

>You lied to me. You said this had been tested! That it wasn’t real! What happened in there just now, is the realest fucking thing of my entire life..

~DAMN STRAIGHT IT IS!~

Momentarily shocked into silence, Suckerpunch stops his rant

~Combat isn’t a game, it’s not a dance or a test or a sport! It’s brutal and bloody and a little bit horrible!~

42 turned around to face the Royal Guards.

~And if seeing that, if DOING that turned your stomach or upset your ‘delicate sensibilities’? GOOD! Because if you don’t understand what can happen in a fight, how THIN the line between an injuring strike and a deadly one can be….~

~Because what happens the next time one of you picks on a lonely drone? Maybe he’s a bit weaker than normal, or you land one hit too many?~

~What if next time he dies? It’ll cause an incident that the princesses can’t, or WON’T protect you from.~

~This is your one and only wake up call. It won’t be my fault if I have to see one of you rot in the dungeons!~

42 gazes at the guards with intensity. They sheepishly back up, muttering half hearted congratulations to Suckerpunch before leaving the room.

Suckerpunch continues his feeble walk, dropping to the ground next to 41.

>41, can you walk? I don’t want to be here a second longer than I have to. Not in this room...

>You don’t have to forgive me… Just let me help you get home, then you don’t have to see me ever again.

“Sh-shut up Suckerpunch.”

41 leaned in and kissed him on the bridge of his muzzle, he recoiled slightly as her lips grazed his burned skin.

“Thanks for not killing me.”

>That has to be, bar none, the worst reason for kissing someone in recorded history.

Chuckling weakly she rose to her hooves.

41 took a few steps before stopping, bending down and vomiting green sludge. Fear, adrenaline, anxiety, they still flowed through her, leaving her an emotional wreck.

Suckerpunch walked in step beside her, wrapping a wing around her as they moved slowly
towards the door.

>Can I ever make this up to you?

“I’m sure I can think of something. The remastered Karate Colt is in theatres, that’s a start.”

>You got it.

He kissed her cheek, his lips tingling in pain as the burned skin pressed against her cool chitin.

“Do you want to go to a hospital or something? Maybe see Twilight?”

>Maybe. Maybe not though, I hear Changeling chicks dig scars.

She chuckled, gently punched him in the shoulder, and leaned into him.

They walked out of the room together, slightly different people from the ones that walked in.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 "To the right!"

"One's scrambling out from that alley!"

"Damn it, they just keep coming!"

Jacqueline Daw crouched low as all around her the sounds of battle rang out through the City of Gold once more. No longer the clang of steel on steel, or the boom of cannons, but instead the far more visceral sounds of steel cutting through scaly flesh, the tear of meat from bone, the screams of the wounded being dragged away into darkened crevices to be torn apart by razor sharp teeth. Before her Brahmos still stood, stained in blood, swinging his axes, Evergreen's head between his hooves to keep it from being snatched away by the prowling fish ponies. Of course he'd be damned if his trophy was going to be used for anything else.

'Focus,' She thought to herself, 'Vengeance won't mean nothin' if you go with 'im, Evergreen wouldn't want that. Think, girl, think!'

Daw grit her teeth, trying to figure out a course of action as the battle raged, then her eyes turned towards a sight she had a hard time wrapping her mind around.

The Diamond Dog in the stupid hat-what was his name? Barksby?-was surrounded by the fishponies, their teeth gnashing and their hooves pawing at the golden street below them, but otherwise, refusing to advance before the might of the Diamond Dog's makeshit weapon:

Which just happened to be the limp unconscious form of Pommel which he was holding horn first like a nonsensical spear.

"Th' hell...?" She muttered under her breath, before what was going on hit her.

'They aren't defending the city, they were defending him!'

"Rat! Doc!" Daw shouted out, "Where are ya?"

"Over here, Jackie!" Rat shouted, deftly smashing his back hooves into a fishpony's jaw, Doc crouched closely besides, "We're a little busy, as ya can notice!"

Daw was with them in a second, her jaws closing around the hilt of a knife that had fallen to the ground in the struggle and quickly burying itself in the neck of one of the fishponies before sliding back out just as easily. She slid in close to the two stallions, crouched low.

Her voice came out in an almost animalistic growl, "Rat, come with me, Doc, spread word to our lads, when the big dog charges, so do we, got it?"

"Aye," They chorused, Doc disappearing into the melee, Rat following Daw as they began a slow but purposeful stride through the throng, their motions as stealthy as they could make it in the brawl that had erupted all around them. Their target drew closer and closer, Barksby, still surrounded by the ponies, still ineffectually jabbing Pommel's body at them to keep at bay, more than likely convinced he had grabbed the ultimate weapon.

As one Daw and Rat jumped at the DIamond Dog, who soon found a knife pressed to his mangy throat, his tricorner hat knocked askew.

"Now listen ta me and listen good," Daw hissed in the big dogs ear before he could react, "If you make one move ta drop that unicorn, those thing's'll attack and we're all as good as dead. So keep a good grasp of him and do exactly as I say."

A low whine came from the Diamond Dogs throat, it stiffly nodded.

"Good boy," Daw growled, "Now when I say go, you are gonna start running after my friend here, if you don't, I'll slit your throat and leave ya for th' fishes, got it?"

Another nod.

"Good dog, remind me ta give ya a biscuit if we get out of this alive," Daw looked to Rat, "You ready?"

"I assume we're making a run for the tower?" Rat arched an eyebrow.

"Aye."

"To hell then!" Rat replied cheerfully.

Daw inhaled a deep breath, "TO HELL!"

Rat began to run in the direction of the tower, the diamond dog began a loping apelike stride right behind him, Pommel's body bouncing up and down on his shoulder like a stringless puppet, Daw right behind, knife at the ready.

"TO HELL!" Came the shout of the crew behind her, the sound of a stampede as the captured pirates made their made dash towards an uncertain freedom. The clatter of hooves on gold rising to a cacaphonous crescendo as they fled their captors and the monsters.

Daw snapped her head back, "Keep close, th' lot of ya! The dog here'll keep 'em at bay, but if ya stray there's no promises!"

"Evergreen's lot are running!" Someone shouted from behind them.

"Leave them!" Another bellowed, Brahmos, still loud even as they put distance behind them, "Run away, little bird! Flutter to safety like you always do, I'll find you, and I'll break your wings this time! Mark my words!"

Daw fought every instinct to turn tail and charge right back at the hulking monolith of a minotaur, but she choked back the desire once more, all that mattered was getting to the tower, regrouping, and hoping that the half dead unicorn flopping around on Barksby's shoulder had a plan when he woke up.

"So, let's recap, shall we?" Pommel asked, pacing back and forth in front of the stairs to the tower, the illusory vision of 32 lounging on one of the rows of stairs.

"We shall," 32 replied, examining the sky, "You're going to be quite sore when you wake up, by the way."

"How can you tell?" Pommel tilted his head.

"I'm in your subconscious, right now I can feel a lot of repeated bouncing going on around your ribs and a stretching to your spine, I think you're being carried," 32 shrugged.

"Right yes, cross that bridge when I wake up and come to it," Pommel shook his head, "But Brahmos controls...?"

"Yes?" 32 tilted his head.

"I was kind of hoping you'd be my sounding board here," Pommel arched an eyebrow.

"Ah!" 32 nodded quickly, "Yes, he controls pirates."

"Yes, but specifically, which pirates did he take control of?"

"The ones of Barkbados."

"Again, right, but what kind of pirates were they?"

"Slavers."

"..."

"What?"

"Diamond Dogs, I was looking for Diamond Dogs."

"Damn, well it's been great playing, Pommel, guess I don't win the million."

"Ha ha ha, focus, thought-32! Diamonds Dogs, and Diamond Dogs follow whoever is strongest, right?"

"Right."

"And who is the strongest?"

"42, probably, one kiss from Armor. and she could punt your head halfway to Neighpon. She may have done that to real-me by now, do you think I'm dead?"

"...HERE, who is the strongest HERE?"

"Don't get snippy with me, I'm just your subconscious. But I'm going to assume you mean Brahmos."

"Exactly, so...I think I know what I have to do."

"Really?" 32 perked up, a smile on his face, "Is it something stupid?"

Pommel looked down, sighed, and looked back up, eyes full of determination.

"You better fucking believe it."

Daw flapped her wings above the rushing mob of equinity that was what remained of the crew of the Widow's Regret. Their mad dash to the saftey of the gigantic watch tower had been a test of every reflex she had, keeping the many ponies, gryphons, diamond dogs, and other crewmen together in the face of their pursuers not just on the land-

"CAW!"

"Behind ya, Jackie!"

Daw's backlegs lashed out, catching the diving harpy in the throat, sending it crashing into the golden exterior of one of the many buildings that lined their path. There had once been a time when the sight of gold was enough to make her all a quiver with the anticipation of what the riches would bring her. After this day was done she'd still find affection for ingots and the like, but she was damn sure going to take a broadside to any golden buildings she ever came across.

"Keep movin' ya poxy curs, th' devil himself is nippin' at our heels, and I'll be damned if he gets a firmer bite!" She shouted down to the pirates below, less now than when they'd started. The stragglers, the weak, the wounded, they had all fallen behind into the waiting jaws of their fishpony pursuers, a horrible thought at the back of her mind questioned whether or not there would be anyone left to man the ship even if they did survive this three sided battle against the monstrous denizens of the city and Brahmos' personal army. She shoved that thought down further, gritting her teeth and swooping down to the head, falling into rapid step with Rat, Barksby a hair's breadth behind.

"How much farther?" She asked him, "Th' men can't keep this pace up much longer!"

"It can't be far," Rat replied, panting, "The damn things looming right over us!"

"It's been looming for Faust knows how long!" Someone shouted from behind.

"Stow it!" Daw shouted over her shoulder, "T'e road's long but it's better than peridition, eh? So keep going!"

"Get inside, sharpish! Once everyone's in, barricade the damned doors! I'm going to check on Shoals, Tide, and Keel up at the top!"

"Aye!" Came the chorus of replies as the pirates began scrambling into the building, those with weapons doing their best to hold off their pursuers as the rest retreated. Daw rose higher and higher over the city, the wind roaring in her ears as she climbed towards the top of the tower her bandanna almost flying off her head as she finally reached the top and landed into the room that contained the gem.

And found herself looking at the two limp and dead-eyed carcasses of Tide and Keel with Shoals curled up in the fetal position.

"Shoals?" Daw asked, stepping towards the unicorn, "Shoals, what happened up here?"

"Keel..." Shoals muttered as Daw approached, "Keel fell after the first blast...Tide and I had to do the second I...my head...it feels like it's burning, Jackie..."

"C'mon," Daw bent low, trying to slip her head under one of Shoals' forelegs, "We need to get with th' others."

"Nngh...ya mean we STILL feckin' lost?" Shoals groaned, "Hell..."

"Th' fight ain't over yet," Daw growled, "I'll explain as we go."

"-and you're a damn sight look I don't have the lads carve ya up and throw ya to the fishes!"

Pommel was vaguely aware of Rat's voice growling out as he regained consciousness, his vision was fully consumed by a lovely upside down view of a Diamond Dog's back, and he smelled wet dog.

"Where'm I?" Pommel asked groggily.

"Lad!" Rat's voice rang in Pommel ear with a painful intensity.

"Loud..." Pommel muttered.

"We'd almost had you pegged for a goner!" Rat trotted around the side of the diamond dog holding Pommel and nodded to the guardsman, "Nice to see you back in the land of the living."

"That's nice...can he let me down now?" Pommel asked.

"Right right, let him down ya sorry sack of mange!" Rat ordered and Pommel was quickly dropped to the ground, causing him to let out a sputtering cough.

"I meant gently ya dumb bastard!" Rat shook his head and hurriedly attempted to pick Pommel up.

"What happened?" Pommel shook his head, realizing they were back in the watchtower.

"Brahmos had us, but we managed to break away with you," Rat nodded to where many of the crewmen were braced against the doors, holding it back from some unknown force on the other side, "The fishponies seem keen to defend ya, sadly they weren't informed we were with you."

"And Brahmos?" Pommel asked.

"We're hoping him and the beasts will tear each other apart," Rat cast a nervous look to the doors.

"He'll win...he's too focused to let a bunch of animals put him down," Pommel began to shakily walk towards the doors, his gait unsteady as he began to regain feeling in his legs.

"You uh...you sound like you have a plan, lad," Rat said behind him, "Care to share it?"

Pommel looked back at him, shrugged, and kept walking towards the doors, "The only plan I think will work. Open the doors."

"Wh-what?" Rat blinked.

"Open the doors, now," Pommel glared at the pirates braced against it.

"Are ya out of your fuckin' mind, boy!?" One of them, a gryphon, shouted, "Those monsters will overwhelm us in seconds if we do that!"

"Do it," He narrowed his eyes at the gryphon, "...please."

"...you heard the lad, get away from the doors," Rat said firmly.

"You can't be serious!" The gryphon was incredulous.

"Think, the fish didn't attack us with the lad close by, if he answers the door, they'll keep away from us! Open them!" Rat commanded, voice gruff.

Slowly, the pirates did as commanded, backing away from the doors, which almost exploded with a wave of the fish ponies, their abominable forms streaming forward-

But stopped, the one at their lead mere inches from Pommel, staring with wide doll's eyes at him, tilting its head slightly.

"You're controlling them," He said, "Can you hear me through them?"

The creature hissed...but nodded.

"Go, leave these people be...the minotaur as well," Pommel commanded, "I'll deal with him."

The creature bristled, eyes narrowing, taking a step forward, its breath hot on his face.

"...well?"

With an angered rattle, the beast slipped back, its kin following with it, just as quick as they had appeared, they fled, disappearing into the darkness of the city's alleyways and dark corners.

"Holy shit," Someone said flatly behind him.

He walked forward, trying his damndest to appear like he was sure what he was doing.

Pommel sighed as he sat himself at the top of the tower's steps, "This is gonna suck."

It felt like an eternity, sitting there, watching the great road that led to the walls, but finally he found himself watching the approaching vanguard of Brahmos' mob of cutthroats. They were stained in the blood of Faust knew how many fish ponies and harpies, Brahmos holding the severed head of Evergreen still even after the brutal slog to the tower.

Pommel stood, glaring as Brahmos reached the foot of the staircase, fighting ever instinct to run...towards or away from the behemoth. He sucked in as much air as he could...

"BRAHMOS!" He bellowed.

The Minotaur stopped his stride, looking up to glare at the pony.

"I CHALLENGE YOU FOR THE LEADERSHIP OF THE BARKBADOS DIAMOND DOGS!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >High Roller
"Triage"

>Honey!

"Babe!"

The two lovers were quick to fall into each other's forelegs, holding one another close.

"I got the-"

>Sweetheart, pumpkin, muffiiiiin, I've missed you so much!

"Yeah, uh, lovey, but I went to see your 'aunt' in Filly and-"

>That is just FANTASTIC news, sweetie, can you maybe give it to me over dinner or-

"No! No this is urgent!"

Roller's face flashes from his goofy grin to a neutral look of apprehension.

>Is it now? Is my aunt in danger?

"No but she thinks a...particular plant in her garden isn't going to grow like she likes it?"

>A plant you say?

"Yeah she thinks some fertilizer from a...a certain type of bird might help it...grow?"

>And why am I the one to find this bird?

"It's a certain kind of...cuckoo. One you are very...familiar with?"

The neutral look fades, a stiffness overtakes High Roller's body.

>...yes, I am familiar with that particular kind of cuckoo, and I'm not entirely sure it's the one that my aunt wants.

"She was very insistent."

High Roller sighs, shaking his head.

>Fine, send a letter to her, at this address...

He takes out a pencil and a piece of paper, scribbling down the address.

>Tell her I'll be expecting a baker's dozen of cookies with this, and to let my cousin in Ponyville know that I'll be needing help with this.

"Right, got it."

>And sweetie?

"Yes?"

>For future reference, bird crap isn't fertilizer, but nice job trying to piece something together.

"Wh-why aren't you speaking in code!?"

>Because you managed to find me in the barracks whilst the rest of those imbeciles were called away. I assume they're in for some kind of karmic punishment for roughing up a changeling.

"Right...why did you go along with it before?"

High Roller smirks.

>Because if I don't keep you on your hooves, how will I live with myself when I'm finally away from here and you're our only eyes in this place?

"Oh...thanks?"

>You're welcome. I'll try to figure a way to get to Ponyville. Inform my aunt that I will be requiring proper 'Bird catching' equipment, will you?

"Of course."

>Thanks dear.

Triage exits, Roller lies on his back and sighs.

>I suppose it was past due I checked in on dear Loosy.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cadence
"?"
~~~

She just looked a little crazy as she went down the hall. Just a little.

Not a lot.

Really.

>This plan is foolproof! FOOLPROOF I SAY! Nothing can possibly-

Why she heard a squeaky toy go off when something rammed hard into her side, she would never know. For you see, she was too distracted by the fact she was tumbling head over hooves down her long hall in what could only be described as 'a hurricane of pink'. At last, she landed hard on her back, staring up right at her oh so pristine ceiling.

Or, at least, she would, if there wasn't something blocking her sight. Something with giant burning eyes, fangs and dark skin.

"RAWWRRRRR!"

Something really, really adorable.

"I'M THE KILLER MARCHMALLEY! I'm here fer' revenge fer' all the marchmalleys you ate!"

>....EEEEEEEEE!

What was she doing before this? Not a clue! Because her brain was already using all of it's processing power trying to burn this image into her mind.

"Yer' s'posed ta' be scared! This is scary! Think about it... MARCHMALLEYS... eating... PONIES...."

She shuddered, terrifying herself.

"Ah' don't wanna live in that world, Caddy, we'd have ta' get Auntielestia ta' send us to the moon."

Ignoring that, she held the little thing up, inspecting a rather well made 'demon marchmalley' costume, which was essentially just a marshmallow with teeth and demon eyes. Still, the stitching was marvelous, it really did look like a squishy candy treat instead of cloth.

>How on earth did you make that!?

"...me? Didn't you make it?"

>What? No, sweetie, I haven't had any time recently with... wait... W-where did you get that?

"...It was in my room when I woke up this morning."

>...

"..."

>...

"...

>"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Far, far, far down the hall, Shining Armor just sipped on his coffee, and wondered to himself out loud when he should reveal to them he just pulled an all nighter.

>"AHHHHHHH!"

...Little longer, he decided.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
''Zecora'
[Trixie]
{??}
~~~

>Mine head will rupture any second now! Forth with from every direction they come! Form after form after form! Why is this morn so filled with so many a request!?

"Permits, mostly."

>For what!?

"Oh, you know, haunted houses, making sure decorations are up to code, fire hazards, stuff like that."

>But why tonight!?

"...Oh, oh wow, do you not know?"

'Oh, this will be quite a show. I do believe our friend does not know.'

>Know what!?

[HAHA! Even the KIND and UNDERSTANDING Trixie finds this cute!]

>WHAT!?

"Niney? It's-"

SLAM!

CRASH!

"OH SHIT! NINEY!"

>MY RIIIIIIIBS!

'What a horrifying fall! You went clear through Marey's wall!'

[WHOA! Like a freaking rocket! A ROCKET!]

{CUZ! CUZ CUZ CUZ CUZ CUUUUUUUZ!}

>WHAAAAT!? Speak, please! While breath still remains in mine lungs!

"So, go back in time to about thirty seconds?"

{CUZ I NEED HELP! I didn't know about Nightmare Night! Nobody told me! NOBODY TOLD ME!}

>I can taste my liver.

{You're all prissy, right!?}

>I find this somewhat offensive-

{So that means you know about fashion stuff, right!?}

>...Indeed! I can tell you every kind of stitch, I can tell you exactly what was in five years ago and what will be in five yet to come! I can speak of the frills of the third century, or the hat revolution twenty years long past, or-

{So you can stitch stuff, right!?}

>...Uh...

{...}

>...I'm more of a fashion... 'enthusiast', than... able to create, as it were. I spend my time learning, it leaves very little to actually practice.

"...Your a fashion SPECTATOR!?"

>Well, when you put it like that it's just not as impressive. But I don't see the point, since-

{YOU! MAYORBUTT! Can you make costumes!?}

"Sorry, sweetie. I buy mine every year from the store, same as everyone else."

{NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I need a costume that'll BLOW MOONS AWAY! YOU! STRIPEBUTT! You're good at everything, can you make me a costume!?}

'I'm afraid you are out of luck from me. I cashed in a favor from Rarity to get mine fulfilled, you see.'

{NOOOOOOOOO! I'M GONNA HAVE TO BUY SOMETHING STUPID!}

>No, you're not, because you-

[HAVE ME!]

{...Huh?}

[What, I don't get a nickname? I'm not... 'magicbutt' or something?]

{Sorry, gotta come natural.}

[Well, no matter! The GREAT and MANY TALENTED Trixie has made many a costume in her line of work! Why, it comes with the territory of being a fine entertainer! With her mighty magic, she can create for you any costume you desire!]

{AWESOME!}

>This is really, unnecessary, you can just-

[Come, little one! Let us DAZZLE and AMAZE this... 'moons'? Whoever that is.]

{LET'S DO THIS MAGICBUTT!... Ehhh... I'll think of something better. COME ON!}

SLAM!

"..."
'...'
>...What the fuck is Nightmare Night?

"Dress up in costumes, pretend to be scary and get candy."

>Oh...

FWOOSH!

>I like candy.

"CHEATER!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
"77"
'Twi'
-42-

'And just a bit of adjustment here aaaand perfect!'

32 sits on his cot, a helmet with various wires hooked up to a terminal overseen by Twilight rests on his head. On the screen of the terminal, various lines pulse upwards and downwards steadily.

>I take it this is to monitor my brain activity.

'Correct, we should be able to monitor the exact moment at which the internal symptoms of his illness manifest.'

-As opposed to when he's going to clutch his head and cry.-

>And you are here why exactly?

-If whatever you have is possibly contagious, the Queen needs to know immediately.-

>Oh I'd be keen to spread this, why don't you come in here and pucker up?

-Bite me.-

>Well I mean, that's rather forward but-

A flash of green and Shining Armor sits on the bed.

>Maybe I can be your Prince tonigh-gaaah...

Another flash and 32 is sitting there again, swaying woozily.

"Brother, you shouldn't exert yourself like that!"

-Idiot.-

'Once we determine this isn't contagious, we'll have Two come and hug you, alright?'

>Fine...yes, that sounds good...

'Now, by all accounts, it appears that this condition affects you when in states of severe emotional stress. I need you to recreate that with either 77 or 42 here.'

>Why not both? Filthy traitor! Braindead lapdog! Stupid helm-aaaagh!

The terminal's readouts begin to fluctuate wildly, various frantic beeping noises coming from the machine.

'There! I got it, let me go back to the exact time of the spike in the readouts...'

"Princess..."

'Hmm? Oh...oh my...'

-Fucking hell...-

Lying on the ground of the cell, 32 is near skeletal, his eyes sunken into his skull, his body trembling.

>Make...it...stop...

77's head jerks towards Twilight.

"Let me in there!"

'We don't know if-'

"I don't care! Quarantine me too if you have to! I'm not losing another brother!"

Twilight hits a button on the terminal, one of the glass panels sliding down to allow 77 to rush in, quickly moving to embrace his fallen brother. He quickly transfers love from himself to 32, healing him of his near starvation.

>No more...no more...

"Keep still, brother, I'm not going to let you fade away."

>The right...thing...do...do the right thing...

"What?"

32's eyes close, falling limp against 77.

'...Is he...?'

"No, he's still alive, he's just passed out."

-The hell does he mean, 'Do the right thing?'-

'I can't be sure but I think it's safe to say whatever causes the spikes of activity in his mind requires a heavy amount of love to activate, and he's incapable of stopping it. Do either of you have any idea what could do something like that?'

-Possibly, but it would require a Queen's level of mind magic to do it.-

'Do you mean-'

"-No.-"

"The only time the Queen has been to see him is after he began to exhibit these symptoms."

-And I don't think she'd bother mind controlling him, no matter how annoying he got.-

'Well then the million bit question is...'

The three look down at the limp body of 32, varying degrees of concern on their faces.

'What's the right thing?'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>Artarius
"Changelings"
~~~~~~

>So, what're you guys going as for Nightmare Night?

"Whatever we want."

>...what?

"WE ARE NIGHTMARE NIGHT GODS!"

"ALL HAIL OUR BIOLOGICAL MIGHT!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SB
"Rarity"
'Arana'
[Vekir]
~~~~~

>OW!

"Well, I'd stop poking you with the needles if you'd stop twitching."

>You're just going too fast!

"I wouldn't have to go so fast if you had chosen sooner!"

>I would have asked you to start sooner if you were freaking around anymore!

"Well I'm sorry a giant monster stomped a city!"

>No you're not!

"..."

>...Sorry.

"It's alright, just... hold still."

'I'm confused, why are you putting her in a golden dress?'

>It's a bell!

'...'

>Get it? Sweetie Belle? And I'm... it's a bell.

[Vekir does not know what this is, but she still feels like it is bad.]

"I'M ON A TIME CONSTRAINT!"

'Why're ya' doing this anyway?'

"...Oh dear."

'What?'

[I think you upset them, Not-Bad-Spider-Thing.]

'I do that a lot.'

>Okay, it's like this...

~~~~~

'So, what you're saying is...'

[The point of this sun-demon sleep is that you must look scary.]

'And the scarier you are, the more candy you get.'

[And, to clarify, candy is the thing in the bowel on the Sisslestia's desk? The things that make Vekir happy and tingling in her tongue in the good way?]

'...'
[...]

'THIS IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRR!'

[VEKIR WILL WEAR NOT A THING AND GET ALL THE TREATS!]

'NO MORE 'OH SWEET CELESTIA IT'S A SPIDER MONSTER'!'

[NO MORE 'WHAT IS VEKIR SHE MAKES ME SCARED!]

'AND WE!'

[GET!]

['CANDYYYYYYY!']

"...Essentially, yes."

'This is a good thing.'

[Vekir approves.]

'Quite.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Mane-Iac"
~~~

>Pfft, this holiday is stupid. "Publicly indecent", I'll fucking show you indecent, and it won't be the sexy kind. It was just a little lingerie! And I do mean that literally. Ahhh well, guess I'll just go as Cadence. That'll really fuck ponies up! What're you going as, Maney?

"..."

>...

"..."

>...Oh, right.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"18"
~~~

>18? You ready? We're about to head to Canterlot so Two can start getting candy.

"...Why Canterlot?"

>The Empire doesn't celebrate Nightmare Night.

"What? Why? Why wouldn't they..."

>...

"...Oh, right. Well, I'd love to go, but I've got a lot of work to-HEY!"

Without hesitation, he surrounded her in a bubble and turned on his heels.

"You don't have to abduct me!"

>Yes I do.

"Put me down!"

>Not till we're in Canterlot.

"...Fiiiine... but I don't have a costume! So clearly, I can't..."

>...

"...I hate being a changeling sometimes."

>As a guy who just spent all night working on a giant marchmalley costume, I lack sympathy.

"...RUN FASTER! I HAVE TO SEE THIS!"

>S'okay, I've already filled three cameras worth.

"But she hasn't even..."

>...

"...Shiny? I think you have a problem."

>YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 >Fluttershy
"Pinkie"
'Dash'
[???]
~~~

"Hey, look on the bright side, Flutters! Now you don't have to dress up!"

>...

"...Oh, right, you don't come out during this anyway. Riiiight... Well, I mean, at least you have... things growing out of your back..."

>...

"...That's kind of neat."

'Okay, Pinkie? Dressing up like a cake is now only the second dumbest thing you did tonight.'

"At least I'm not so unoriginal I'm freaking Daring Do!"

'It's still technically original, I've never dressed up as her before.'

"And it's a giant pie, not a cake!"

'It's a cake.'

"...They were out of pie costumes, and I haven't seen Rarity since she left for Fillydelphia. Which, you know, thanks for leaving me behind, guys."

>It was pretty sudden, I only went because Chrysalis dragged me with her.

'She bugging you?'

"HEE HEE!"

'...'

"...I thought it was funny."

>Oh no, she's been surprisingly helpful. Anytime I lose control, she just zaps me back to normal.

'Really? All that mind control can't be healthy.'

>Neither can flytraps made out of actual flies that eat ponies that I can't control.

'Touché'

"Well, what're we waiting for anyway!?"

'Missing one of our group.'

>Oh, Dash, with all that's going on, no way is Applejack going to leave her office.

"Yeah, even I don't think this'll work."

The blue mare appeared thoughtful for a second, considering the office door.

Then, in one fluid movement, she pulled something from her pocket, flung the door open, chucked it in and then slammed the door shut before pressing up against it.

The hissing noise said everything, long before the slamming against the door did.

[WHAT IN TARNATION!? *COUGHCOUGHT* WHO'S THROWING-*COUGH* A-AH CAN'T... D-Dash yer' gonna... gonna get it.... when Ah'... get outta...]

The soft thump finished that rant for her.

>...

"..."

'Get a stick, we're going full scarecrow with her this year.'

>...You scare me sometimes.

'Good.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 lone in a desert, a lone pony stood. Cloaked in a poncho and saddled with a single bag, he was one well acquainted with traveling. His travels had taken him aimlessly across much of the land, but today, he marched with purpose.

"So, gotta find this manticore that's been bothering customers and encourage it to be on it's way."

Cheese Sandwich ,the oft-times party pony, sometime vagrant, other business pony checked his poncho, saddlebag and rubber chicken.

"I feel I am well prepared for this task and nothing could possibly surprise me."

It was at this time that an enormous manticore leapt in front of Cheese, unleashing a deafening roar. Manticores were known to be vicious predators, but this one took particular joy in it's victims fear. With a smirk that showed off the creatures substantial dental structure, the manticore looked down on the trembling pony.
Or it would have had the pony been trembling.

"Well, like I said, nothing could possibly surprise me, but that was perhaps the most cliché entrance you could have made. Exactly how long were you waiting behind that rock to make your supposedly dramatic entrance? No, don't tell me. The truth would only depress me."

The scene had quite dumbfounded the beast; it was rare that it's prey did not scurry and flee before it. For a confused moment as the pony instead ranted on about some nonsense the manticore didn't understand. For it was a manticore and did not know much more than to swipe at the prey in front of it.
And instead slapped a cactus as the pony had somehow found it's way onto the manticores back.

"You realize you have wings, I hope. You could have just swooped in and tried to grab me, but no, it has to be the leap and roar. It's just not a good way to catch prey."

The manitcore, for his part, was, between the spines in his paw and the pony walking on his back, was becoming quite enraged. With another roar, the beast leapt into the air, spinning around to land on his back in an effort to smash the offensive horse. Unfortunately, said offensive horse was now overlooking the manticore shaking his head.

"Shameful display. You could have at least tried to use that scorpion stringer you have for a tail. If you don't use the tools at your disposal to the fullest, you'll never make it as a predator."

The thoughts crossing the manticores mind were new and unpleasant sensations. Anger and frustration blended with futility and frustration to drive the cat to a new level of madness. Ripping his own mane from his head, he threw himself fully at the small equine. That stood directly in front a large rock. The manticore didn't think much after this.

"Did you just rip out your mane and slam your head into a rock? If you slam your head into rocks, you'll never make it as a predator. Well, I guess I can scratch that one off the list."

Cheese then turned his attention to the sky

"As for you, was this really the best you could come up with?"

Hey, this story is supposed to be canon. You can't argue with the narrator in a canon story.

"But this is just so unoriginal."

At least I didn't have you hug the thing to death like in the original.

"I guess that's a little better, but you better not be making up another OC for the hydra sequence."

"Hey, what about me!" A pink mare appears from under a rock.

"And I don't think your father would be too happy if you went dancing with a hydra." Cheese rebuts.

"Fine, I'll find somewhere else to sneak in the story and you can find another chariot driver." And as suddenly as she appeared, the Pinkus Pieicus vanished. Leaving the Hamicus Cheesus to his next task.

******************

"I have made a discovery! Mosquitoes suck."

Cheese Sandwich, party pony come part time adventurer, demonstrates to the natural world his mastery of the obvious.

"Are we really doing this?"

You started it.

"Mature. Oh, the hydra is here, time to get to work."

Spying across the swampland from his cliffside perch, Cheese observes the multi-headed monstrosity as it ambled across the land. Taking a step back from the edge, he observes his surroundings. The mountain, the stones, the sky, the valley and the adversary below. In a moment of absolute stillness, he becomes one with the land. Then, proceeding back to the edge of the cliff, Cheese draws in a deep breath.

"Hey! Get over here!" He shouts.

And the hydra listens. It charges forth after the challenging voice, barreling up the mountain side, sharp claws finding sure purchase against the rock.. It's great mass caused the ground to shudder as it scaled the steep incline.

Cheese felt each mammoth step the beast took, from the ground, up his legs and throughout his body. He took a step back, as if hesitating, before settling into his stance. It was an odd stance that defied description, hardly even appearing to be a stance at all. Suddenly, he kicked out against a pile of rocks, his aim steady and precise despite the quake of the climbing hydra.
His target, a small stone about the size of a pony's head, was ejected from it's crevice. It seemed wholly unremarkable until the hydras next step shook the whole pile loose. The pile of stones lurched forward under the force of their own weight before tumbling over the side. As they fell, they struck against the side of the mountain, beckoning their brothers to join them. In just a few seconds, a few falling rocks have become an avalanche of boulders thundering down the side of the mountain.
Cheese almost felt sorry for the beast as it was carried back down the mountain before being buried in the sea of detritus.

"You know, that was a pretty narrow rockslide. He probably could have avoided most of it if he'd just stepped to the side."

Hydras aren't known for their intellect. Speaking of, where did you get the idea to bury it under a rockslide?

"I saw it in a movie once. Anyway, now I have a deer to find."

*************************

In search of his latest quarry, Cheese the hunter finds himself in Manehatten. A folded note kept carefully in an interior suit pocket reveals his marks last known coordinates. Clad in non-descript business attire with dark sunglasses, Cheese swims the sea that is the Manehattan walkways. He adjusts his hat and looks up the apartment building across the way.

"I've got your number Goldie"

The empty hallway contrasted with the tenseness in the air as Cheese deftly approaches the door number listed in the given for this assignment dossier. After assuring himself that this was the correct location, he removed his shades and quietly took a deep breath. Appearing as inconspicuous as he could, he gently knocked on the door. When after a moment no answer came, he pressed his ear to the door. Only silence greeted him. Cheese returned his shades and gently worked the latch. To his surprise, it promptly opened.

"Good news, I don't need to pick the lock. Bad news, everything else." Cheese thinks to himself.

Slowly pushing the door open he creeps into the apartment. Drawing his weapon, a fearsome rubberized chicken, he proceeds forward, expecting an ambush at any time. The apartment appears quiet at first, but the experienced agent doesn't trust appearances. Staying low and quiet, Cheese moved farther into the apartment when the tiniest of noises from the bedroom proved his caution warranted. His weapon at the ready, Cheese crashed through the door expecting his mark. He finds instead a doe dressed in a rather risqué lace lingerie.

"Ma'am, please take that off, it's hardly appropriate." Cheese sighs.

"Are you sure I can't leave it on a bit longer, say long enough for you to take it off?" the deer asks.

"Goldie, I'm here on business I'm afraid. Besides, I'm saving myself for marriage."

"So you're the one they sent. Very well, if you will give me the courtesy?"

"Of course." Cheese, amused himself with his thoughts while waited for the doe to remove the lewd clothing. And they said she was a slippery one in the briefing. I hope the rest of my jobs are this easy. Odd, feels quite drafty all of a sudden. She climbed out the window, didn't she.

In a moment of brilliance, Cheese deduced the cunning deer's plan.

"Now don't you start."

Agent Sandwich quickly followed suit and leapt out of the window onto the fire escape. Below, Goldie jumped from platform to platform with a speed and precision more akin to a mountain goat than a deer. Not to be outdone, Cheese latches a cord to the railing and jumps down in pursuit. Rappelling over the side almost allowed him to catch up, but it was not to last. The instant she hit the ground, Goldie took off down the alley at a lightning sprint. Cheese could scarcely keep up. In an effort to stop her before reaching the crowded streets, Cheese deployed the boneless.
The rubber chicken was flung with laser accuracy and at a speed even the flashing hooves of its target could do nothing save delay the inevitable a few seconds. Or turn. Reaching the street, Goldie, seemingly without changing direction, ran down the sidewalk, leaving an startled minotaur in a suit to the tender mercies of a high speed rubber chicken.

"Ambassador is down, I repeat the ambassador is down!" Several more minotaur in suits quickly gather round, prompting Cheese to jump through an open window and run though the vacated cubicle farm therein to try to make it to the street unseen.

Making his way to a hallway running along the front of the building, he saw her. Goldie, believing herself to have lost her pursuer, had slowed down in an attempt to blend into the crowd. Down the hall, he saw a pony walking to the door with a mail cart. A plan formed in the party ponies head, but it would require expert timing. Staying out of sight a moment longer, he slipped a window open a little ways behind the doe. She did not miss the cue; she took off like a rocket. Cheese smiled as he gave chase, giving it his all to keep as close as he could. So startled by the renewed pursuit Goldie was heedless of the throng blocking her way, briefly swimming thought the bodies before jumping to a clear spot nearer the building. Unfortunately, that part of the sidewalk had cleared to avoid a mail cart that had just been pushed through the door.
Goldie managed to stop just short of crashing into the cart. Cheese had no such inclination and crashed right into both deer and cart.

"Hey, what a ya think your doin?" a passerby asks.

"My job." Cheese coldly states as he replaces his sunglasses and extracts an envelope stamped "Invoice" from his jacket. "Miss Goldie Hind, you have been served."

*****************

"So, that's my trouble."

Cheese explains his latest task to an elderly buffalo. The aging creature of the plains continued smoking his pipe, seemingly lost in thought. Cheese knew to allow the buffalo his time, and willed away the minutes observing the teepee that he now sat in. Incomprehensible odds and ends littered the cramped space, such that Cheese often wondered how the elder lived in such conditions. He never brought this up of course, he did not wish to be rude to an old, if enigmatic, friend.

While Cheese was eyeing a plain grey box with a large button in each of two corners, the elder stirred. Bringing the pipe away from his mouth, he blew a series of concentric smoke rings. He inspected his work for a moment before, seemingly satisfied with his work, he set the pipe down. Then the elder looked directly at his young visitor and softly spoke.

"You are seriously having a hard time catching a pig?"

"It's a big pig. And I swear he has himself oiled up. It's gross. And he's fast. That actually seems to be a bit of a theme."

The buffalo scooped up a hoof full of sand and allowed it too flow back to the ground as he closed his eyes in thought. This time his reply came quickly.

"You must learn to read the sand, Crazy Horse. Follow its ways and it will show you the path for you to take."

"I don't follow."

"The desert, she has ways of consuming the unwary. My people have stampeded these lands many moons, we have learned the ways to trod."

"Still not getting it."

"One must tread carefully, lest ones own hooffalls be ones own downfall. To he that observes nature, she shows the safe path."

"Um, I'm a little lost here."

"Many have been lost in the desert to find they have quickly fallen before their own steps."

"..."

"For the love of, chase the guy into the desert. There are sand pits that will trip you up if you aren't careful and the sand and heat will quickly dry out the oil. He'll tire pretty quickly too."

"Oh, yeah. That's a great idea. Thanks Laughing Bull!"

Cheese 'Crazy Horse' Sandwich excitedly ran out of the tent to enact this plan. As he disappeared over the horizon, the buffalo shook his head.

"Break out laughing at one meeting as a calf and it follows you forever. Curse you Strong Horn for naming your calf Stepping Bull."

******************************

"Well, this stinks." Cheese remarked as he observed his next task.

"It is the latrine, that is to be somewhat expected." Igneous Rock responded. "And currently it is in need of plumbing work and a great deal of cleaning. I will need to have that done by the time I am done loading the train with our latest batch of Rușchița."

"I do consider myself handy. Consider it done."

As Igneous left, Cheese got a good look at the bathroom he was to clean. Upon seeing the mess he was now responsible for, he began to question his former bravado. Ancient stains dotted the counters and the toilet was of questionable flushing capacity. Regardless, Cheese thought to himself, I will overcome this. Despite his personal reassurances, a second glance brought the doubts back.

"They do say that work goes better with a song. I guess I'll get right to it."

Is there a color in those leaks?
Oh, I really fear that these stains won't lift
They're the kind that sets up a filthy motif.
But I've got an ace that's up my sleeve.
You're in for a cleaning that is deep.
I've got the cleaner that you very dearly need.
How many crevasses can you screen?
Because there's this solvent now that works on you somehow and I rinse an repeat
Until you come out clean
Sparkling with a sheen

But what I wanna know
Does this toilet flow both ways?
Hate to see it blow
I'm really hoping that it stays
Oh crud there it goes
But this plunger it was made pushing through the things that won't fit through a bay

Scrubbing out this stew
All these pipe, on through, that you nearly blew
Truly rocks you chew
Maybe I'm too, critical for the things you've been through
But I've thought it through
Scrubbing out this stew.

And indeed, the room came out quite clean. As Igneous returned, he gave the work a nod of approval.

"You've done well, as far as cleaning goes. Your lyrics, on the other hoof, could use a little polish."

"Well, son, we need a scarecrow of sorts." The old workhorse said matter-of-factly as he looked over the lake.

"That can't be too hard; if I could get some sticks, straw, and fabric I can have one made in a few minutes. It'll be just like that time I had to repair the jungle cruise ride I used to work at." Cheese responded, sure this would be a simple job.

"Fraid it's not so simple as that. These things, well, yuh best just see for yurself."

"Really it is." Like a tiny tornado the yellow pony whipped around the small farming town gathering supplies. Then, with a blinding whirl of his limbs, a scarecrow was born. "Easier than a balloon animal."

The old pony simply shook his head as he looked over the lake. His ears then pricked up and swiveled in the direction of the setting sun. Seeing this, Cheese turned to listen in kind. His search for sound is rewarded with an incessant clicking and scything. Straining his eyes at the horizon, Cheese sought the source of this metallic cacophony. A moment later a glint appeared in the distance, followed by another, and then dozens more. Soon they grew into a flock of birds with chomping beaks flashing silver.

"Best be taking cover son."

The two wasted no time running from the birds as they descended upon the town. A small crowd of ponies in the street were quick to follow, clamoring into the nearest enclosed structure. Carts upended and produce spilled in the rampant chaos. The old pony ran into a house, presumably his, while Cheese took hold of a mare about to close herself into a glass booth and pulled her into a tavern.

"Trust me, that would not end well." She nods in reply as the sound of cutting and pecking grew. Worse were the screams of ponies caught outside. Those inside covered their heads in an attempt to silence the noise. It was a futile endeavor.

In time, the swarm passed and the townsponies emerged from their shelters to a terrible sight. Were once had been trees and bushes now stood the tackiest of topiary. Produce had been turned to salsa and salad that littered the ground. The poor unfortunate souls caught out in the open, they truly suffered. No barber, however skilled, could fix those manes. And, of course, the supposed scarecrow had been cut to ribbons.

"Scissorbeaks. Of course."

"Now didn't I say it weren't gonna be simple."

"Actually it is, I just need to get the right angle on the situation. It's rather more acute than I thought."

"Have a new plan do ya?"

"To be blunt, a weighty one. When do you suppose those things will be back?"

"Probably tomorrow about this time."

"That gives me only a little time to prepare."

The townsponies returned to their homes to lament another day at the mercy of the foul steel beaked fowls. Alas, rest also was denied them this night as Cheese implemented his plan. Some pondered at the possible contraptions that could be the result of the ceaseless grinding, rolling, sawing, and hammering. Most, however, simple resolved to tar and feather the hapless horse should he fail. Regardless, in the morning, all came forward to witness their would-be savior. What greeted them instead, was Cheese Sandwhich sleeping under a tree. No machine was insight, to the chagrin of the beleaguered village. Initially, most wanted to do as they had planned. However, it was agreed to leave him to the birds.

And so the day went on as the town got on as best it could and Cheese rested from his invisible night labors. As the sun neared setting the ponies quickly returned to their homes, dreading the imminent return of their tormentors. True to their word in the morning, none waked the sleeping pony. They had not been hiding long when the familiar metallic clicking returned. The sound grew closer and closer, but was soon joined by an unfamiliar clanging noise. The clang grew in frequency as the clicking decrease before it to was reduced to silence. Confused, the townsponies reluctantly emerged to so what had happened.

The sight could not be believed, a pile of scissorbeaks surrounded the tree and sleeping pony, each nursing broken and dulled beaks. As the townsponies approached the frightened and defeated birds took flight back across the lake. The crowd stayed back a ways as Cheese woke up. After a moment, the old pony finally voiced what everyone was thinking.

"How?"

"I told you it was simple." Cheese gave the tree a push. Instead of shaking as a tree might, it fell over completely and crashed into the ground with a tremendous thud and breaking open to reveal a grey stone interior.

"Rock beats scissors."

**************************

"Were he not such an upstanding gentlepony, I might question Igneous' motives in trying to capture so many guys."

Cheese surveyed his next target, a large bull, from a good distance across the grassy field. Much to his embarrassment, he'd been surprised by the difficulty of his previous jobs and he sought to change that here.

So focused in his observation as he was, Cheese failed to notice a gruff pony coming up behind him. He stood there a moment observing the observer before clearing his throat.

"AAHHHHHH!" Cheese jumped at the sudden interruption before quickly regaining himself. "It's not very polite to sneak up on ponies like that you know."

"Ponies that don't want to get snuck up on should pay more attention. Name's Bronco by the way. I see you're eyeing the beast, eh?"

"Cheese Sandwich, nice to meet you. And yes, my employer would like to see him and I'm trying to determine the best approach to use."

"well, let me tell you right now, you aren't getting that bull. Not without my help. You see, I've been trying to get that bull for months now, and he's a ornery one. But I've come to know him. I know how he operates, how he thinks. And I think, you might be the edge I need."

"You want to form a partnership then? Alright, what's your plan?"

"Well, first we're going to need a lot of rope."

****

Later that afternoon finds Bronco and Cheese running for their lives from a rampaging bull.

"You know, I don't think you thought your cunning plan through." Cheese remarks.

"Shut up. How could I know he hated red?" Bronco huffs our between breaths.

"That is rodeo clowning 101, sir. How did you miss that class?"

"I'm not a clown!"

"Oh, my mistake. But it's not polite to claim expertise in an area in which you're untrained" Cheese shrugs and dives off to the side and tumbles away.

"You. Suck!" Bronco barely keeps ahead of the bull long enough to reach a tree. With surprising dexterity for a creature on four hooves, the frightened pony scrambles to the top. The bull, lacking the ability or inclination to climb after, simply crashed into the trunk, shaking it severely, almost shaking Bronco loose of his grip on the topmost branch.

Before the bull could move back to ram the tree again, a strange sight catches his eye. A pony with a bright pink cowpony hat, bells on his over sized boots, patchwork shorts, and a big red rubber nose. Stopping his charge, the bull goes to investigate. As the bull got closer, the clown pulls out a large ball and climbs on, rolling around on it for a bit. Suddenly, the ball pops, blowing the hapless pony and several balls hidden within the larger ball into the air, only for him to land hind hoofs on stilts. He catches the flying balls and begins to juggle them.

The bull smiles at the show and sits down. The juggling continues for another minute, with an occasional jump and pirouette for spice. Finally, the clown wraps it up by jumping off the stilts and catching the balls in his hat. Replacing the hat results in a deluge of water drenching him as he bows.

The bull claps and cheers, "Oh what fun. Good show sir."

"Glad you enjoyed it. I'm actually here to offer you a job, the Pie family is hosting a rodeo and they would like for you to challenge the contenders."

"If the rodeo clowns are half as talented as you, it'd be a pleasure." And thus the bull set off on his journey while Cheese set off for his next job.

Although one wonders why he didn't just ask the bull in the first place.

"And we were doing so well at keeping that wall intact. For shame."

***********************

The mountain loomed large before the pony that stood before it. Cheese Sandwich, a truly versatile pony if ever there was one, gathered his wits and mentally prepared himself for the trials ahead. For today, he faced his most daunting task yet. Four unfortunate mares had be ponynaped by the ruthless Diamondeese and he, Cheese Sandwich, had been tasked with their rescue. He readied his saddlebag of supplies, well stocked against the challenges he now faced. Steeling himself, he steps forward into the caves.

Cheese move deftly through the dark caves, winding deeper and deeper. Occasionally the torchlight of a patrol would send him into a dark crevasse or a dead end would send him back searching for another path. Nudged rocks or subtle scratches in the wall marked his path as he continued his search for the master of these caves and captor mares. Gradually, the frequency of patrols increases, suggesting that Cheese is nearing the central chamber. Slipping past one particularly large patrol leads him down a path ending in a large, well lit cavern. It is here, that we find Diamondeese sitting on a throne of gems witht the four mares chained to it like prized pets.

Diamondeese himself presents an imposing figure. A giant by diamond dog standards, he is no less brutal for his advantage over his competitors in the pack. With a grunt, he grabs hold of the chains binding one of his victims and drags them closer. Fearing the worst, Cheese jumps forward past the guards, stunned at the ponys sudden appearance. As he nears the gaudy chair that acts as the barbarians throne, he hears the beast growling to the mare "ay bby want sum fuk" causing him to immediately grind to a halt. Unfortunately the guards that had tried to chase him could not stop quite so suddenly and tripped over the pony, causing them to face plant in front of him. Ignoring them, Cheese continued to approach Diamondeese, albeit in a slower, more focused manner.

"Excuse me?" Cheese asks, "Could you repeat that last statement? I thought I heard you say something too vile for words."

Finally noticing the pony, the giant diamond dog faces him. "U fukkin wot m8?"

"I'm going to have to ask you to stop. There is only so much abuse that language can take. A warlord like yourself should have a better grasp of grammar than a five year old. At the very least, you should never spell words with letters."

Diamondeese, to his credit, does not become enraged at the insult, though this is largely due to his total inability to understand it. He does, however, get up with the intent to smash the small horse in front of him.

"Gonna rek ya. Yur gonna smear on floor. Make pony paste yeah."

Cheese easily dodged the diamond dogs slow swing, more a show of force than an actual attack.

"That last tirade has some many things wrong with it that I'm not really sure where to start; there were fragments, misspellings, and a total disregard for articles. You did get a preposition in there right, at least."

Diamondeese seemed to ignored the taunts, opting instead to continue swinging. Cheese continued to dodge these, noticeable effort now going into it. After a few moments, the diamond dog relented to offer his own taunt.

"Pony think he is fast, he is literally shit."

Cheese froze completely.

"I would have expected a guy like you to literally be unable use the word literally, but it seems I was wrong. Also, you misused the word literally. I take issue with that."

Diamondese continues his assault, both verbal and physical.

"Gonna beat you so hard, you literally gonna wake up last week."

"I really hope that you are only doing this to make me mad. It's working by the way."
"Literally gonn punch you to moon!"

"I give up."

Diamondeese hesitates a mere second before, CLANG!, a loud metallic sound rang throughout the cave and Diamondeese fell over. Cheese once again approaches the throne as he places the crowbar back into his pack and pulls out an angle grinder with a cutting wheel and begins working on the chains. The mares are struck silent at what occured before them while Cheese works. Cheese, however, does mutter one thing under his breath.

"I try, Faust knows, I try."

****************

The saddle of Hippo Lilly, Cheese thought to himself. He was familiar with the name and reputation attached. Lilly was a hippopotamus somewhat famous for a line of plain, but exceptionally well made saddles. "A fashion for the hard working pony" was their sales line. Unfortunately, all the stores had been out of stock and, for reasons beyond his knowledge, he had been instructed not to leave a paper trail. Indeed, the entire scenario had a great deal of secrecy around it. His instructions themselves were a note that had been surreptitiously slipped into his shirt and had included an order to each the note. Frankly, he had begun to become a little suspicious.

"No matter" he thought to himself. "If you accept a job, then you must complete that job."

Thusly, Cheese now finds himself standing at the door of Hippo Lillys workshop. As he is about to knock, the door opens prematurely and a massive, grey pair of arms reach out and pull him into the parlor. Flowers adorned everything. Before he can react, his is set into a comfortable chair in front of a small table with a hot cup of tea. Across from him sat the lady herself, all 2900 pounds of her.

"Oh, a visitor, I do love visitors. SO, who are you? What do you do? Do you travel? Got any stories?"

"Well, ma'am, my name is Cheese Sandwich." He decides it best to play along. "As for what I do, mostly I throw parties, but right now I'm actually running errands for a friend."

"A party planner, that sounds so exciting. I bet you get to travel all over the place. I am soooo jealous."

"Like to travel, do you?"

"Oh, I wish. I'm afraid I'm kind of stuck here. Every time I try to get on the train the conductor is all 'I'm sorry, but you exceed the operational weight limit for the passenger cars' and then offers to let me ride as cargo. Ugh, insulting."

"I would imagine. I take it then that hearing a travelers stories is something you might enjoy?"

"Would I ever. If you would please? Oh, I'll get some scones. I'm so excited!" The hippo leaping out of her seat results in 4.0 quake, but Cheese feels quite fortunate for once. A few stories to get on her good side and surely she would agree to a little secrecy regarding the transaction.

When Lilly returned, Cheese regaled her with tales of parties past and presents yet to be. For her part, Lilly listened intently. Her face beamed as she vicariously visited many far off lands. As the story went on, it neared the present day.

"Which brings me to my current business, I've been sent to procure one of your fine works. However, my client, whose reasons are his own, would prefer to maintain a certain level of anonymity."

"Oh, hush hush I see. Well, I'd love to help you out, but I'm completely sold out and I'm out of material. It could be weeks before I get more."

Cheese looked down. Disappointment writ large across his face, to have come this far and done all this work, only to have to go back and report failure did not sit well with him in the least.

"Is there anything that can be done?"

"Well, I did donate one to a local quiz show for a prize. I might be able to get you on it under an assumed name, they never check by the way, and with all of your travels, I'm sure you'll win. "

"Thank you! I know I'll ace this."

Some time later, Cheese made his way onto the set. While the show was known for some difficult questions, Cheese was sure he would do well enough with the knowledge gained from his travels. Besides, he reasoned, how many real scholors would try to get on a small gameshow like this? Straightening his tie and fixing his fake glasses, he decides to check out his competition. This is a decision he instantly regrets.

"Princess Sparkle!? What are you doing here?"

"Actually this is my favorite quiz show, but I heard they were having a hard time getting contestants. So I asked if I could get on and drum up a little publicity. And best of all, it coincides perfectly with my lunch break, so I don't miss any work. Isn't that fantastic?"

"Ugh, yeah. It sure is."

"And who is our friend here?" Twilight looks to her right.

"Dr Astute Chum, Ph.D at your service."

And thusly the game begins.

"And as we enter Final Peril. We have Princess Twilight Sparkle in the lead with 25000 bits, Dr Astute Chum in second at 18600 bits, and in third we have a Mr Ember Exhibit at, um, negative 35400. Sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave."

"Yes sir." Cheese mumbles as he steps down from his podium and heads backstage.

"Alright, before we get to the question, let's have a look at our prizes. A year supply of Oats'a'Plenty, the complete Encyclopedia Equinica and a, um, where's the saddle?"

Later that week, while all of the children had been sent out into the world with various tasks, Igneous presents a gift to his wife. It's a simple brown saddle, sturdily made and comfortably fit. Cloudy spends a moment looking it over while Igneous silently holds it out. Gently she takes it and tries it one.

"It is a well made garment, though it strikes me as somewhat fancy a piece. Regardless, thank you husband." Cloudy remarks.

"It is a husbands honor to bring joy to his mare."

"I see you've changed your hat."

"Indeed I have."

****************

"Excuse me, cows and bulls. May I have your attention please?"

Cheese addressed the herd of cattle gathered on the grassland before him.

"I've been asked to herd all of you to your new pasture land. As such, I ask for your cooperation as we move and may we have a safe trip. Any questions?"

The cattle of the herd look back and forth to each other before a large bull steps forward.

"If Igneous trusted you to this, then we'll trust you also."

"I will not disappoint, I promise."

And so the herd moved on. The journey proved largely uneventful with Cheese guiding them away from most of the obstacles. Several days in, however, and unforeseen danger chanced upon them. A swarm of biting flies assaulted the cattle, despite being out of season. Regardless, Cheese the ever prepared, had prepared a repellent spray. Choking on the gas, the flies soon fled.

Later, another calamity befell the herd. An overflowing river had knocked out the bridge, preventing them from crossing. But once again, Cheese had been prepared. Using a freeze spray, he froze an ice bridge across just long enough for the group to get through.

Finally, as the nerd neared their final destination, they encounter a pony blocking the pass leading to the meadow that would be their new home. The large pony stepped forward, brandishing his obscene equipment. Cheese looked on in embarrassment at the display before him. He could scarcely believe that anypony would appear in public so girded.

"Travelers, I am Gear On, and this is my pass. All wishing to travel it must pay my toll."

"And what is your toll?" asked Cheese, eager to be passed this fool.

"Three of those cows would do nicely. I could use some fresh milk every morning."

"And if we refuse?"

"Then I shall take them, and punish you for disrespecting me."

"I think you've taken care of the disrespect just fine. Who walks around with three shields, three spears and wearing three helmets?"

Far away, 42 finds herself sneezing for no discernable reason.

"A fool like you would never understand. So equipped, I am invincible."

Cheese calmly approached the warrior, who readied himself for the fight. Quickly, Cheese pulls a pepper spray from his belt and briefly sprays his opponent. Stunned by the sudden pain, Gear On loses his balance and is pinned under his own gear, allowing the herd to pass through peacefully.

Once they had safely arrive at their destination, the lead bull approached Cheese.

"Thank you for leading us to our new home."

"It's no trouble at all. Just doing what I can to help."

"Of course. But, before we set off, you asked if we had any questions, I have one now."

"Shoot."

"Are you Batmane?"

********************
"I, a truly at a loss here. How does a mortal pony get apples from a gods garden?"

"Please deliver a bushel of apples from the garden of Thiesperides" where his exact orders, but no plan to follow them came to the normally creative pony. Knowledge of it's location, or if such a place even existed, had been lost to the ages. No library had a book or map granting a location. No historian versed in the ancient ways had deciphered it's locale. No oracle had divined it's position. Cheese feared this task impossible.

"Of course it's impossible, with that kind of attitude." A voice sang up out of nowhere. Cheese jumped in surprise and looked across the field in search of the source of the sound before his vision is directed downward by a waving daffodil. Looking closer, the daffodil points behind Cheese with its leaves. Confused, but compliant, Cheese turns around to find a draconequis looking over his shoulder.

"How do you do." Discord waves to the pony. Cheese opts to reply with a screech.

"Now that's hardly necessary. I'm actually here to apologize."

"Oh, well that's thoughtful. No one was hurt thankfully and the damage was minimal so I guess we can just call it there. I would appriciate it if we could avoid such incidents in the future."

"I intend to be on my best behaviour. Anyway, you seem to be having some trouble."

"Yes, my latest task has be getting apples from the garden of Thiesperides, which I have no idea how to get to or if it even exists."

"Not really familiar with that god. Hey narrator, you didn't just make that one up, did you?"

Look, we really aren't supposed to be talking.

"The forth wall is already swiss cheese at this point, so why not?"

It's your fault. You called the first story cliché.


"It was."

"Someone is getting defensive."

I am not getting defensive, I am just...never mind. Discord snapped his fingers and a bushel of the most exquisite apples appeared.

"You're not the boss of me."

Yes I am.

"No you're not."

Yes, I. What are you, five?

"Unfortunately I'm not Two."

"I think you've lost control of this one narrator."

Whatever. Take your apple bushel, I'm going for some apple cider.

********************

"Your audience with the Princess has been approved. Please come this way Mr Sandwich."

The royal guard ushered Cheese through the great doors into Princess Celestias throne room. She sat there at the top of a long flight of stairs, looking out over the large courtroom with a pair of guards standing at the base. Rather than gaudy jewel or gold decorations, the walls were lined with tapestries depicting key moments in Equestrias history. These circled round to the throne itself with the emblem of the sun on one side and the moon on the other. Indeed, the lack of more mundane finery worked to increase the regality of the room and its owner, rather than against it. With a smile, the Princess looked at Cheese directly.

"Cheese Sandwich, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"The pleasure is mine, majesty. I've come to beg a boon of thee. On behalf of the Pie family, I request custody of the dog Cerberus for a few days."

"Of course. Procurator, please contact Fluttershy and ask her to release custody of Cerberus to Cheese Sandwich."

"Yes, your highness." One of the guards at the base of the stairs saluted and took off. Immediately another comes from outside and replaces him.

"Will that be all Mr Sandwich?"

"Ah, I'm sorry highness, but I was about to ask you that."

"I don't follow?"

"Do I not have to undergo some trial, undertake some ridicules task, or sing a silly song?

"I wouldn't be opposed to a song, but I don't think I have time, my next appointment is in three minutes. And you correctly filled out a Requisition for Loan of Royal Property form. Most ponies can't do that."

"Um, Thank you."

"You are quite welcome."

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