Hey dude, I know you're probably super busy and all that, but I need to talk to you, because I very much feel like I'm being pushed out as far as modding goes.  I really don't like talking about this shit in text because it's hard to convey the intended tone, but I guess it's either that or nothing so...

I don't even know that there's anything that can be resolved, but I figure it's better to at least tell you where I'm at with it all, versus letting it fester and just disappearing, because that would definitely be easier and it's the option I've been leaning towards.  I'm just tired of eating shit from people who act like they're friends, but then when it actually matters and you need support, you get nada.  Like I've been busting my ass modding for you the entire time I've had a sword.  I don't think it's a stretch to say that I've modded more than most of the other mods combined, because I care about you and the community, but lately, it very much feels like I'm the kid in school that no one wants to sit with at lunch, and I can't for the life of me figure out what I did wrong.

The only thing I've done that even slightly rocked the boat at all was going to you for Turboshot, and even though I didn't get a chance to defend myself on it, I still stand by my decision to go around the admins, because I knew how you would want to handle it, and all I did was try to avoid an argument.  Not an argument between me and anyone.  I literally tried to avoid an argument between you and the admins.  But because I tried to avoid that argument, I'm now an outcast.  Fran spent over an hour reaming my ass in DMs, trying to lay any and all problems with mods on my feet because of that one incident.  And she literally told me that she was really only mad that you made an announcement about it without talking to the admins first, so really she was mad at you, but decided to lash out at me because that's easier than being mad at you.  Not to mention Brian's opinion about it, who I can't really even say that I give a shit about, because he was supposed to quit the same time Key did, and I believe the only reason he's still here while she isn't is so he can pass info along to Key and they can keep trying to sow discontent in the mod team.  It might sound like a stretch if you didn't/don't know what's been going on, but with all the info I have, I'd be willing to bet that's why he's still around.  And the screenshots that went around, of my convo with Cynegetic/Sandwich/Sloth, are absolutely taken out of context, which I'm happy to show the entire conversation, vs just a few lines that make the person I dislike look bad.

And one of the things Fran tried to lay on my feet was people talking behind other's backs.  But I'm very much the target for that shit and have been for months and months.  I don't take part in talking behind people's backs.  Remember when you came to me and first mentioned making me headmod and how I said that some people might have an issue with that because they perceive me as a yes-man?  That was because I joked around agreeing that you're a doctor and more so because we happened to agree on things that were talked about as far as RP goes.  Like it wasn't because you and I are just like-minded people, who think things through the same way and reach the same conclusions.  I was just a yes-man to you, because I'm a fanboi.  That was Robo, J, and Brian, in their group chat.  Remember when I defended you to Nightraven and told you that someone was giving me massive shit for it?  Yeah, that was Robo.  Apparently I wasn't allowed to have an opinion on it because I'm your headmod and defending you to nightraven meant I was a "child and arguing over something petty".  He took it upon himself to berate me over that shit.  On top of that, I'm almost positive they've talked shit about other things in their group chat, including the purging of 'Dodged' comments, and I was the target of the hate, even though all I've ever done is run chat the way I see you wanting it run.  But really, Brian has been part of at least one hate group the entire time he's been a mod for you.  First it was Fran they targeted.  They did pretty much nothing but talk shit about Fran for like a year, until Lexi decided she didn't want to take part in it anymore, then Lexi became the target for a while, and for the last several months, it's been me.  I've never taken part in any of these little hate-cliques, so for Fran to put that on me seemed pretty unreasonable, especially when Robo has been one of the people that's been doing it behind people's backs for a looooooooooooong time.

The other thing I need to talk to you about is streaming.  I'm not really sure why, but ever since I started streaming you closed off to me almost completely.  It feels like I insulted you personally, because we went from discussing all kind of things in DMs to you closing down completely.  So much so that even when we do talk now, I get the absolute bare minimum from you and you don't even finish conversations.  It was hard for me to reach out to you that day and talk about streaming.  I was so worried it would rub you the wrong way, but all I got was support and encouragement from you.  But now it feels like you're holding something against me because I started streaming, or because I do it more than the other mods, or I don't really know.  I should say though, that I wanted to be a streamer long before I was ever a mod for even Eli.  I think most people on twitch would love to stream given the chance to.  Not to mention that I'm disabled, and it's one of the only things I can actually do from home and possibly turn it into an income, on top of it being a dream job and I don't really think anyone has the right to say other people shouldn't do it.  I even had streamer mode turned off, and held myself to a standard that NONE of the other mods are held to, because I was that worried of your opinion on it.  After talking to you, I messaged both J and Robo about using streamer mode on discord because the notifications were annoying and I was worried it would be seen as self promotion, so I wanted their opinions on it.  Both said they thought it was fine and that I should use it if I wanted to use it.  But then you have Robo's comment a week or so ago comparing self promotion directly to using streamer mode and our names being near the top of the list, and that comment was 100% directed at me.  Like it's never been a problem for J to do it, for Sharky to do it, and even Sherbs, but suddenly when it's me doing it, now it's an issue.  Other examples include people like J using their own emotes in chat, and hosting you with 10-15 people(he doesn't hesitate to host you ever), but 100% if I started doing those same things there would be an uproar, and if not an uproar there would at least be more passive aggressive comments like the one Robo made.  On the same token, there's people that stream freely whether you're live or not, and it's not really been a concern.  I've only ever done that twice, and both times were times you weren't scheduled to stream, but again, if I started doing it, it would suddenly become an issue.  There's just such a double standard going on, and I'm not sure what to do, because it feels like it's a double standard that targets me, personally.

And all of that was the easy shit to talk about.  The hard thing to talk about is about this last week with me being in the hospital.  And it makes me feel like I'm just being sensitive, and maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, but I very much feel like you and most of the other mods(the ones that have been modded longer than me) couldn't really even care less that I literally almost died.  I know you said you had been talking to Lexi the whole time, and maybe that's true, but I spoke a few times in mod chat while I was up there and was largely ignored.  Once I spoke not 30 seconds after you did, and you ignored me anyway.  I came into Twitch chat a couple of times while up there and said hi, but at least twice that I recall you read the message either directly above or below mine and ignored me.  I didn't get any messages from you or some other people that I thought actually cared, and were friends.  And even when I got back and you PM'ed me, it was the absolute bare minimum.  You asked like two questions and then bailed and it really only felt like you did that because you had another topic you wanted to discuss in mod chat and didn't want to come off apathetic.  But then Fran mentions life is busy with work, and you give her more support for that, than I've gotten from you all week.  Not to mention you always offer to help with things, except this time.  Like I've seen you offer to fly other mods places when they were going through hard times, but here I spent 4 days in the hospital because I very literally almost died and I didn't even get a "How are you doing?" once while I was up there.  It hurts dude.  I thought we were closer than that.  It very much has me reevaluating my position, because modding is something I enjoy doing, but having things put into perspective, it's starting to feel like something I just eat shit for over and over and over, while getting nothing in return.  It was different when it felt like I was doing it for a friend, but now I have a hard time feeling like that's the case.  And even though I know other people have talked about stepping down before and I know you've supported them and kept them from doing it, I feel like you're just going to let me step down/leave because of whatever bullshit has been spouted in your ear about me.  I've only ever tried and tried and tried and all I get is hate in return.