Thread 15: Stories 31-45

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>spike
"42"
'77'
[DT]
{Twi}
-AJ-
~~~
[YOU'RE WHAT?!]

-Ah'm cuttin' fundin' fer tha A-Team until further notice.-

'Never thought I'd see the day when you became a true bureaucrat.'

"Unbelievable! What did we really have that was so expensive?!"

Applejack takes out another scroll and unfurls the long list

-Take yer pick - no! Look, Ah'm sorry 'bout this, Ah don' like it either, but tha fundin' fer this program's spiraled dangerously near tha black! We been doin' rampant militarization spendin' fer what? Even Discord could be brought down pretty quick an' honestly, if Blueblood hadn't got the drop on us, tha whole invasion woulda been settled by jus' Rarity fer land's sake!-

{I'm sorry, guys... This is my fault, a lot of these expenses are because of my experimental weapons for the group. I'm normally so on-top of these budgets!}

>Isn't this what you always wanted?

[for Applejack to rip into ME personally, but it's costing all of you! You're paying because of my mistakes.]

-Aw, Twi, don' feel bad, sugarcube. This has been a long time comin' anyway. We need 42, 77, an' Spike ta focus on trainin' that guards more than, well, whatever yer doin' here.-

[Practicing interrogation techniques on eachothers. The creepy bug's got a great waterboarding technique.]

-...-

"so is this the end of the A-team?"

'I was hoping for us to die in battle before- nevermind.'

[Pretty anti-climatic]

{I'm so... Sorry, everyone...}

Spike suddenly stands up

>Is this what we are as a team? Simply slush funds poured into black bag operations and shady dealings? Are we simply a titles, codewords, and showy elites of the guards?

[... yes?]

Spike just smiles and continues

>When we came together, we united under a common interest of violence and implements of death. From such petty foundations a greater ideal became our cornerstone: the protection of Equestria, the Crystal Empire, and good citizens seeking to live peacefully everywhere, no matter what we might lose personally.

>When the caverns of Canterlot break and unknown horrors break through, before the Royal guard feels even the first tremors of the earth, we hold the line. When crystal towers darken as barbar hordes descend to raid, before the Crystal Guard even spies the distant invasion, we hold the line! And when our's fate is met, when the earth cracks and beast of Tartarus rises to to bring Armageddon, before the youngest of foals rouses from tender slumber and see darkness fall and fires rise, WE HOLD THE LINE!

>Even if the heavens themselves forbid it, even if it personally costs each of us our everything. Before all else; at each and every crisis, we are there first. THAT is what it means to The Alpha Team, the robbed innocence of our kingdoms, empires, hives are what we avenge. So strip us down to our bare fists, sell off each bullet and knife to fill the coffers of the nations, because even then when next disaster strikes our lands-

>"'[{We hold the line!}]'"

-Ya know... Yer group's not disbanded, fundin's jus' bein' suspended until further notice. You kin keep tha stuff ya already got.-

the group sighs with relief

>Oh, praise Celestia's mom!
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The following was posted as a hypothetical speech from 32 to 77

"You know what? Brother? I would love to just 'come back into the fold' I would love to be the little lost lamb who is finally once again recognized by all the others in the flock. I. Would. LOVE to bow and scrape to the Queen Bitch and accept her apology for what she did to us, and hope-Oh golly hope!- that she would see fit to accept my own apology for daring to embarrass her in front of all the ponies she made nice with, all the ponies she convinced she wasn't just as self serving, manipulative, and maniacal as they all assumed she was. I would love for you, I, PJ, and that despicable helmeted minion to all link hooves and dance ring around the rosie while cherubic fillies smiled beatifically overhead.

"You know what else I'd love? I'd love to see the day when a birth isn't considered a sign of hope, but business as usual. I'd love go see the day when we convince the Princesses our contributions to Equestria merit, I don't know, a parcel of land? Something we could take and turn into our own little community, a hamlet, a town, a damned city one day. Oh yes I'd love that. I'd love to live in that little town, to get up, greet my neighbors, maybe start gardening, Princess Applejack believes such pursuits are very fulfilling."

"But most of all, you know what I'd love? I'd love one day...and whatever being made us know, with your trotting around the idea, it may never happen...I'd love to have a nephew. Let's call him, assuming with your rigidity you keep with this ludicrous naming convention, 38.5. That's half of 77, clever huh? Well I'd love to have him, I'd take that little scamp fishing, camping, tell him stories. Not THOSE stories, no, no child should ever know about those caves."

"Point is, I'd love all of these things, but one set of things isn't going to happen if I do the other. And I'd much rather tell little 38.5 stories about how we all became free creatures, with our own destines, than feed him a tired load of bullshit about how our Queen is a harmless saint. So no, brother, I don't think I will apologize to the Queen, and I don't care if that blind arrogant lapdog smashes my head against the ground until I'm rendered to the consistency of a squashed roach."

"That cancerous tumor of a queen will fall, and she will NOT take us with her."

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
=========

>Ya wanna know what Ah find odd, Celly? Lemme tell ya what Ah find odd.

"Oh for the love of me, here we go... This isn't really odd so much as it is "Celly, you done goofed again", right?"

>Maybe. Depends on how it strikes ya. Now, 77's recently brought it to my attention that we're technically without a captain of the Royal Guard.

"..."

>Y'all look shocked. News all around, eh? Well, continuin' on, while Ah trust 77 far more'n Ah can toss the fella, havin' our men readily answer to a Changelin' might come off as a bit... backwards to some. Feel me here?

Celestia was thoroughly rubbing the right side of her temple with a hoof.

>Yeah, ya feel me. Like Ah said, 77 is fine with me, jus' the attack on Canterlot is still a soft spot for many of Equestria, sans the Crystal Empire thanks t' Two.

"Who I really wish were here right now to make this headache go away...."

>Y'all can have yer' Two after this. Until we can foster better relations concernin' the Changelin's with the rest of Equestria at large, what say we don't bring up 77 at our next continental meetin' with the other rulers? We done lost enough face as is, no need to have 'em laughin' at us and callin' us insane fer' hirin' our former foes...

"Is it okay if we do those things to ourselves?"

>Ah've been doin' it since day one. So Ah was thinkin'... Cocoa.

"Oooo, yes, excellent idea! I was just wanting some cocoa myself."

>...can't tell if really clueless or in denial.

"In denial about what, dear Applejack? When you said 'cocoa', you must've meant the drink because there's no way in hell you could possibly be suggesting we put in charge of the Royal Guard not only a mare, but a mare who has no formal military training. We might as well put Spike in charge."

>Don't tempt me, Ah thought about it but Ah prefer the loverboy at mah side. And anyway, it's mostly to save face, show 'em that we're capable, issuin' in bold, new strategies and framework. 77 would be her go-to advisor behind the scenes, kinda like he's runnin' everything but she's the face. A cute, 'everything is fine' face.

"Oh. Well, that sounds okay... partly. I honestly thought you'd flipped your apple for a second there."

>Buck no. Ah may be run ragged and delirious but Ah'm far from stupid.

"Cake keeping you sane, eh?"

>That and Spike's claw massages.

"Knew it. And you realize that if this goes south for whatever reason, that it'll be your f-"

>Two's waitin' outside for huggles from her Auntie Tia.

"EEEEEEEE!"

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>"[{-Fluttershy-}]"
&Fluttershy&
@Discord@
~~~~~

In a quiet corner of the castle, far from prying eyes, a grey-colored pegasus trots back and forth, surveying a group of yellow ponies all wearing her face.

>Alright you wimps, let's try this again. From the top: sound off!

A hiss comes from the ceiling above, her voice like a whisper

"I am the creature of your nightmares. From the shadows, I strike! I am terror. I am vengeance. I am the night. I... am... Flutterbat!"

A high-pitched squeak chimes in next, unintelligible but full of vowels; as another mare seemingly sprouts from nowhere, her antennae bob and dragonfly-wings flutter.

[The world is a big place. Much bigger for me. Whether in mare form or shrunken down, I will show it just how much even one small mare like me can change it! Breezie Shy, reporting in!]

A deep, rich voice booms from the window, the mare there silhouetted along with her sniper rifle. Her face glows briefly as she lights up a cigarette.

{I've been training in marksmanship since I can remember. No pony can escape my sights, in brightest day or darkest night. The name's Bass Hunter.}

A mare in a skintight green suit speaks in an almost zen-like quiet, posed in a meditative stance with her eyes closed.

-My name is Saddle Rager. Avoid my wrath.-

Here green eyes open and she permits herself a small frown.

-You won't like me when I'm angry.-

She closes her eyes as the grey mare takes to the sky, hooves on her hips.

>And you're all equally inferior to me, Flutterbitch! The greatest of the team!"

She holds a hoof up to the skies as she shouts.

>Together, we are..

>{["-THE SHY SQUAD!-"]}

@...Did you hear that? Come along, dear, I think we're close!@

The assembled Flutters look at each other in fear, and each bolt off in a different direction. Seconds later, the door opens with a slam.

@...Hrm. Looks as though we've just missed them.@

&Oh dear... I knew we should've taken Fluttershy the Train Engine.&

@If we hadn't spent so long fueling up Fluttershy the Flamethrower, perhaps...@

&Oh... yes, you're right. Do we need any more ammo for Fluttershy the Shotgun?&

@No no, I think we're quite well-stocked.@

&Alright... which way do you think they went?&

@Let's check the Western Hall.@

~~~~~

Find out what happens next time in Fluttershy III: The Search for Fluttershy II.
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>29
"Applejack"
~~~~~

>Applejack

"Five o' clock, right on time. What can Ah'... the heck are ya'll wearing."

>I believe they are called letter blocks. They are used for the development of children. Except for this piece, this is a little stuffed duck.

"...Ya' look like a serial killer."

>Well aware, trust me. But Zecora has blessed these so that I may speak more freely with the dearly departed souls.

"...O... kay?"

>On a business note, you have still not sent back the reform paperwork for business expansions.

"Lots o' stuff to go through, sug'."

>It's been three weeks. Too long. You are holding back an expansion that will bring in more revenue and business opportunities.

"Fine. Ah'll get it to ya' by the end o' tomorrow.

>Better.

"Glad ta' see yer' still takin' this seriously."

>If you say so- NO! GET DOWN FROM THERE! THAT IS NOT YOU-

*CRASH!*

>LOOK WHAT YOU DID!... No, don't bother with the sorry eyes, I know what you did! I saw it. Apologize... FOR REAL!

"..."

>That's better! Now go to the timeout corner!

"..."

>...Sorry about that, you were saying?

"..."

>...OH! While I'm here, would you mind signing this? Just say "to your biggest fan" or something. For the name, say "Twinkle Bit".

"..."

>...Thanks! Here you go sweetiekins, that's all of them!

*FLASH!*

"MAH EYES!"

>Yeah, that stings like hell the first few times. Thanks for the note, and have those forms to me by tomorrow. Have a nice day!

"....What the fu-"

>LANGUAGE@
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>29
"Ghost Filly"
'Ghost Colt'
~~~~~

>And thus we RENT the shining barricade amidst the sky asunder, tearing our way into the land of Canterlot, and striking at the very heart of-

"What the buck are you saying?"

>Shoot, I thought you were the one from six hundred centuries ago.

'NEIGH, though I may certainly see the confusion! We are both of stark color so green as if birthed from the very grass itself!'

>Indeed, such a green coat is harmful to the eyes, and leaves an imprint on both them and the mind.

'But alas, she is a filly, and I am a colt. Our genders separate.'

"You look like a filly, though."

'FOUL WENCH! In my day I tussled with many a foe, fighting- OW!'

>Do not call other ponies 'wenches'. It's disrespectful.

'DAMNABLE CARETAKER, HOW DID YOU- OW!'

>Sorry, I know 'damnable' wasn't yet a curse in the time countless moons ago, but if I let you start that everyone is going to do it.

"Hit him again!-OW!"

>Don't tell me to hit other ghosts.

'HAH! Thy tongue is silenced-OW!'

>Don't laugh at others getting hurt.

"HAHA-OW!"

>What did I JUST say?

'FOUL BEI-OW!'

"This is ghost abuse! I'll call the guard-OW!"

'FROM THE FIERY DEPTHS OF TARTARUS, I CURSE THEE-OW!'

"You motherfu-OWOWOWOW!"

>Kids these days.

'Verily.'
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'Celestia'
~~~~~

>Well... we have time to talk, it seems.

"Little bit."

'Oh, not to worry, I'm sure someone will chisel us out soon enough.'

"You could just melt the concrete."

'And then Shiny would suffer concrete-melting level burns. And also us. We're immortal, but fuck that sounds painful.'

>You could have actually read the damn bag.

"What fucking company calls themselves "Jelly-O masters concrete company"!? And THEN puts the concrete part in tiny font!?"

>The kind who assume you are not in a hardware store for frozen snacks.

"...So, how's the school hunt going?"

>Cadence is handling that. Said it's a good way to bond with her.

"And a good way to stop you from crying?"

>That too. She's looking into the most prestigious schools-thanks for the list again, Celly-

'No problem.'

>-and thanks to the portal Canterlot is available now. Though we're considering the Empire's schools first, because...

"Because otherwise she's hundreds of miles away-"

>*Wimper*

'Please don't start on it, you know how he gets.'

"Fine. Anything else to talk about?"

'...'
>...

"...Three million bottles of beer on the wall..."

>...Three million bottles of beeeer...

'You take one down...'
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"32"
>AJ32
________________________
>Hey, you

"Me?"

>Yes, you. Where do you get off

"What are you going on about?"

>Stealing my name, I've been Applejack 32 for 6 months and then you just think you can waltz right on in here and take it

"Sorry, but I've had this number for years, not changing it"

>I know where you live. The ballroom, right?

"Is that a threat?"

>Maybe

*AJ32 shoves 32 and 32 just slaps AJ32 into a wall across the room*

>Ow, dick, ow. Good thing I conviniently landed in the crying corner, that hurt.

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>Mac
"Filthy Rich"
~~~~~

"Marvelous! Another beautiful crop to overcharge-I mean, to price fairly and honestly."

>Do Ya'll always have ta' do that thing where ya' whip out yer' suitcase? Ah' know what money looks like, it ain't shockin' ta' me.

"...Yes. I absolutely do."

>...

"...*whip-click!* Eeeee, I love doing that. It took me MONTHS to get it to pop open just right. First dozen times it went everywhere. You know how awesome it is to just whip out a suitcase full of an amount that's huge to most but nothing to you, and have it pop open like you are a unicorn? It's a feeling you just don't get anywhere else...*whip-click!* EEE!"

>...Uuhh, eeeeyup.

"By the by, the mayoral elections are coming up in a few months."

>...We have elections?

"Right? But, well, let just say there's been some... talk. Talk that maybe Mayor Mare isn't quite what this town needs?"

>...

"Just something to think about. Have a good day, Big Macintosh....*whip-click!* EEEEEE!"

>Just gimme mah dang money.
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>32
'Pommel'
"Records pony" Luna's assistant, whatsisface
======

>Chin up, Pommel! I'm sure 250 will be the magic number.

'YOW! Please, no back-thumping for another few days. 103-136 were an epiphany as to the many ways to break a pony's spine ... Anyway, here's the census office. Just head on in, and I'll see you outside-'

>- in the sweet air of freedom! Thank you again, my friend. My stay would have been much the worse for your absence.

"Ah, you've served your sentence! Though my records don't show your place of birth ..."

32's blank stare was not-quite-met by the clerk's friendly but glazed-over expression.

>... is this a trick question? I am a Changeling, we don't really-

"Now, you'll have to be recorded before you're officially released. There are a few ways we can do this and the choice is yours."

>I ... what ways?

The bespectacled pony's amiable smile was still as a statue.

>Listen, my good pony, you will have to be more specific. As an unwilling soldier and subject of the false Queen, I am not privy to her few useful tricks, sadly including mind reading-

"Very good. The guard who signed your release mentioned you were born under a certain sign. Now what would that be?"

>What? Pommel never asked, and it wouldn't help him anyway. You see, I was hatched when S'ko-krem the Cobbler was in ascent, but he's only known to the people of-

"Interesting. Now before I stamp these papers, make sure this information is correct."

32 stared at the proffered piece of parchment, which apart from the government letterhead read only "32, Changeling, Soldier, Cobbler".

>It is, but is this truly what passes for identity papers in this place? Any school foal could make a -

"Show your papers to the captain when you exit to get your release fee."

>... Well I can hardly say no to that. Thank you, sir.

32 took the scroll and left the office, shaking his head in disbelief.

'Back so soon? Kibitz takes two hours to chew out the drunks and shoplifters we usually get, thought he would jump at the chance to grill a Changeling ...'

>Honestly, I'm not convinced I did not faint and have some strange dream. Anyway, he mentioned a release fee?

'That's ... news to me. I'll pay your first beer as a free stallion, how's that?'

Some minutes after they left, a graying and balding unicorn with a championship-level moustache paused before dramatically entering his office.

"April Foals, your Maj-"

Kibitz was surprised to find it empty, save for his magical clone.

"Hrrm. I take it Luna did not approve of my little joke -"

"Yes. This is Equestria. You're in the Census and Excise office of the Royal-"

He dismissed the vapidly smiling construct with a wave of his horn.

"It'll be possums in all my shirt drawers again. Probably in the wardrobe too."

NON CANON
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>SA
"SA's Dad"
'SA's Mom'
~~~

>Soooo.... nice to see you again, dad. How's mom? Mom good? Everything going good? Things look like they're going good.

"..."

>...Just wanted to stop by, hang out, you know. Spend some time with my old man. Dad of the year all years! Love ya' daddy. That's the reason.

"..."

>No other reason besides that, before you ask.

"..."

>...Sooooo-

"She's going to school tomorrow, isn't she?"

>...

"Yeah, thought so."

>How'd you guess? I might've just wanted to visit. I can do that now, magic portal's available.

"Shining Armor, it's two in the morning."

>...Ah. Did not keep a good track of time.

"..."

>...I'm being silly about this, aren't I? I mean, I know I am, but it feels like she just arrived and now she's going off, making friends, growing up... it's way too fast for me.

"I understand. And if it makes you feel any better, you're nowhere near as bad as your mother was when you left for your first day."

>Really?

~~~~~~FLASHBACK!~~~~~~

'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEENUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHABLUBLUBLEBLUBLU'

~~~~~~~~

"Take my word for it. But Shining? One thing I've learned that you should take with you. One last bit of advice, dad to son."

>What?

"They grow up, but they never grow too far for you to reach out to. Not even when they're at the top of a castle."

>...thanks, dad.

"Now get out of here before your mother wakes up. If she finds out you have a bit of doubt in you, she will lose her shit."

'Honey? Who are you talking to?'

"...RUN! FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA RUN!"

And run he did.

Didn't make it very far.
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>Chrysalis
"Shining"
'AJ56'
________

>Ooooooh, Shiiiiinyyyy!

"Ooooooh, noooo-ooooh."

>Cute! But luckily, I still find you irresistibly handsome. To wit, I've dipped into my extremely shallow pool of generosity and baked you this pie!

"..."

>HA! You should see the look on your face! But really, look, it's fine! It's an apple pie, even! You like apple pies, right?

"Well... yes, but-"

>You damn right you do! So eat up!

Shining stared down at the perfectly circular piece of confection placed before him. He watched as strands of steam rose into the air, getting under his nose and filling his mouth with saliva from the tantalizing scent.

But he didn't dare lift that glinting fork.

"This is a trap, isn't it? You did something to the pie. Something devious."

>Shiny, dear, you wound this queen with your accusations! When have I ever done anything devious?

"..."

>Well, you know, besides the whole hypnosis-rape-takeover thing. That's so in the past! You really have to learn to let go!

"..."

Rolling her eyes, Chrysalis magicked a forkful of pie up to his lips.

>Am I gonna have to treat you like Two? Am I? 'Cause I will. Five seconds before I make the airplane noises...

Shining sighed, reluctantly prying his lips apart and he felt the treat slowly enter.

He chewed. And he chewed, hunched up as though expecting combust at any moment.

"...wow. Wow! Hey, this is actually pretty good!"

Chrysalis flipped her teal mane proudly as Shiny snatched the fork and dove for the pie in a good impersonation of Soarin.

>You sound surprised! See, unlike your boney-assed wife, I can throw down with a skillet, you don't even know. ...But now that you're halfway through, I figure now's a good a time as any to tell you something....

Shining froze, cheeks stuffed with pie and stomach clenching, when she placed her smirking lips right next to his ear.

>Hmhmhm... you just ate my pie.

"..."

She leaned back with a sensuous yet altogether victorious smile.

>Thaaaat’s right, you sure did. Ravished my pie, actually. You licked and slurped and downright devoured it. Tell me, was it as delicious now as back then?

“I…you mean to tell me that this was all so you could make an innuendo-heavy observation?”

>Indeed! And, well, to show off my totally rad cooking skills. I can cook, can’t I?

“Hell yes. That was delicious.”

>…I don’t suppose you’d care to taste the actual-

“Not on your life, sport.”

>Shit.

Chrysalis had just scuffed her hoof when AJ56 bounced in, sizzled and smoking due to goofing the coordinates of portal travel. His eyes lit up at the sight of the half-eaten pie and he raced forward.

‘Woooow, you guys got pie? And no one invited me?! Who made it?’

“Believe it or not, Chrysalis did.”

‘Cool! Hey, not-mom, can I have some’a your pie? It smells soooo good, I bet it tastes great!’

>…

“Holy shit, I’m about to bust a lung laughing in three, two….”

And while Shining fell out on the floor, guffawing to the heavens, all Chrysalis could do was stare straight ahead, her right eye twitching.

‘What? What’d I say?’
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>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~

"Honey, I made you soup. I made sure it's edible"

He levitates the spoon into his mouth.
>....it's dry.
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>Applejack
"Spike"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~

>Dang it, 'nother bad spike.

"I am offended. There is only one Spike, and he is anything but bad."

>Little smartass, ya' know what Ah' meant.

"So, what is going on now?"

>Our divorce rates. Still at an all time high.

*SLAM!*

'Applejack! I have a need of you! For you see, I have discovered that I am legally a foreign royal, and can marry ponies so long as I have an official signature. I need you to-'

>No.

'You didn't even hear my plan! It's brilliant!'

>Yer' last brilliant plan has resulted in more splittin' than an apple caught up in a sword swingin' contest.

'Stop speaking gibberish, it's noon. Even I'm not drunk yet, and I've been trying.'

"She means your 'brilliant' bill."

'...Oh, right, I did that. In hindsight, that one wasn't as brilliant as imagined.'

>Ya' THINK!?

'Hey, you signed off on it.'

>And Ah' will never live it down.

'Look, my plan is just-'

"Getting the ability to legally marry, and then tricking Shiny into tying the knot with you because obviously he's just going to up and decide you are totally bone worthy if a piece of paper says so, and will not have a speck of free will about the matter. Close?"

'...Uh... yeah, sure.'

"...It wasn't that, was it? It was something even more nonsensical."

'...N-noooo....'

>...Get the hell outta mah' office.

'YOU WIN THIS RO-OW!'

>AH SAID GET OUT!
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>SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~~

>You know, I swear you only show me these powers half the time so you can make funny faces.

"HHHnnnnnngh! Hush, I'm about to show you Auntie Scarabaeoidea's special ability to-"

*SKEEE-BOOOOOMMM!*

"AHHHHHHH~!"

>HOLY FUCKING SHIT! LASER EYES!?

"AHHHHHHHHHHH~!"

>HOW ARE YOU SHOOTING LASERS FROM YOUR EYES!?

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!"

>MAKE IT STOP! CHRYSALIS STOP IT!

"AAHHHHHH I CAAAAANNN'T! OH SWEET MOTHER OF ME THIS HURTS SO MUCH!"

>TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF

"IT'S LIKE GIVING BIRTH *OUT MY EYES*! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>AHHHHHHHHHHH!

>"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~

~~~~~

>...

"..."

>...

"..."

>...What the fuck.

"...My eyes hurt."

>... was it supposed to do that?

"...No."

>...

"...Ow."

>...

"...Everything is a bright green. Am... Am I gonna die?"

>... It would be too cruel to say I hope so. So I'm just going to think it.
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