notkickass222urmom

wai-wai pt 8

Jun 14th, 2014
252
Never
Not a member of Pastebin yet? Sign Up, it unlocks many cool features!
  1. Short recap:
  2. John goes to Equestria. Akward romance with RD. Fights and kills pointless OC antagonists. Thinks he can finally get some peace. Is taken to Canterlot, seeing as he just killed someone... again.
  3. Oh and shit's written in German and poorly translated into a language resembling English.
  4.  
  5. >Part 18: A whole new live
  6. Sigh. It's not like I had anything better to do.
  7. Also Andre's back to adding pictures, so I guess I'll post those.
  8.  
  9. >After we arrived in Canterlot again, Princess Cilestia wanted to talk with me. I didn't know why but it must be something very important.
  10. You did sort of just kill one of her personal bodyguards.
  11.  
  12. >Cilestia said, "OK John Price, you did so many good things to us, you saved us, you saved your friends and you saved me thank you!"
  13. John keeps fucking up everything. He is the source of all problems, and everything bad that ever happens, and he only ever solves things by murdering his adversaries. Yet everyone loves him.
  14.  
  15. >John asked, "Yea no problem ... ehm... anything special?"
  16. Do I need to remind you that you've been forcing your last enemy, Steve, upon us since chapter 13? That you've used every opportunity to tell us time and time again how awesome he was. You killed him in a chapter called "THE HARDEST FIGHT EVER". So yeah, nothing special.
  17.  
  18.  
  19.  
  20. >The princess looked at John´s face and said, "Can I have some private words with you?"
  21. >John answered, "NO I HAVN´T GOT ANY SECRETS OF MY FRIENDS SO SAY IT LOUD!"
  22. Row Row Fight the Powah! No true American bows to a monarch!
  23.  
  24. >Cilestia declared, "John you helped us so many time and here is your decision." she looked at the mirror.
  25. That's not the EQG mirror, is it? What good is sending him back to Earth going to accomplish if Equestria is Earth? Or maybe this is a portal to the EQGverse.
  26.  
  27. >Cilestia declared again, "Now see this mirror is like the time portal who you entered in our world. So if you go through this mirror you will turn back in your time and you can save your world before it going down."
  28. So the mirror is a time machine. EQG is actually happening on Earth prior to John fucking everything up and Equestria being born from the wreckage. Also, wouldn't preventing the apocalypse mean preventing the creation of Equestria? Which would create a paradox?
  29.  
  30. >What will happen with then? Is there any chance do stop it before the fallout will happen?
  31. Is it time for HiE misanthropy already? It's way ahead of schedule.
  32.  
  33. >I though about it, then I looked out the window, I saw the bright colourful and peaceful world ... no time, my world is dark and grey.
  34. And here it comes. Now, I don't really read HiE fics. But am I true in assuming that misanthropy and related subjects is a big deal in these kinds of fics?
  35.  
  36.  
  37.  
  38. >Dash said with tears in her eyes, "J-John do you leave us now? What will happen with me? I though you are my friend? I though you like me, please STAY PLEASE!"
  39. >Cilestia said, "Dash I know you hurt but it´s Johns decision if he will leave us or not."
  40. >Dash tried to run to John but she was still in the hooves of her friends, "JOHN PLEASE DONT GO! I LOVE YOU JOHN!"
  41. I could just sit here and reread this dialogue for days, discovering new nuances and layers of interpretation each time.
  42. There really isn't much to say. Everything's totally predictable, and the prose is as horrible as usual.
  43.  
  44. >Her crying was so loud as everyone in Canterlot could hear that. She said this words so crystal as she could. She said it with a lot of pain in her broken heart. Now yet I regonized what I will throw away if I leave. My new friends, my home and of course my love ... DASHI.
  45. I can't be the only one taken away by the sadness expressed in this piece of prose, feeling the pain in my broken heart, but at the same time be happy that I would live to experience poetry this beautiful. My sundered sea of conflicting feelings is of course crowned by my throbbing erection, it's message being as crystal as it could. This fic is sad, epic, poetic, and arousing. 9/11 best HiE I've ever read.
  46.  
  47.  
  48.  
  49. >She cried again, "YES JOHN MAYBE YOU ARE ANOTHER SPECIES AND YES YOUR RACE IS VIOLENT, BUT YOU, YOU ARE OTHER, OTHER LIKE THE OTHER HUMANN; YOU POVED US YOU ARE OTHER, I WONT LOOSE YOU, PLEASE I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU! SINCE YOU HERE. JOHN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON´T GO!!!" her words come out of her heart.
  50. I don't even know what the fuck was going on in Andre's head, and I don't really think I want to find out what's going on in that twisted hellhole.
  51.  
  52. >On my time, the humans are all violent, stressed, in hurry, angry.
  53. Well, fuck trying to build any meaningful relations, have interesting dialogues or even discussing this whole "dilemma". Let's focus on how horrible humans are.
  54. There's a fuckton of images of warscenes/rioting humans, and then some from the show. Subtle.
  55.  
  56.  
  57.  
  58. >John looked to the princess and said determined, "No princess, close the portal, I will stay ... forever it is even possible. I have a new home here, I found my friends here and ..." John looked to Dash, "I HAVE THE BEST MARE WHICH I COULD EVER HAVE!"
  59. John just decided that killing the human race was better than leaving his GF. Since ponies=awesome, humans=horrible and RD=horse vagina, this was a sound and morally correct choice. I mean, fuck, not only did John sort of kill over 7 billion humans in the first place, but he actually has the chance to prevent it this time. Andre and his fellow retards annoy the fuck out of me, but I'll get back to that.
  60.  
  61. >John walked to her brushed away her tears and said, "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU!"
  62. >Dash smiled again. The other ponies were lucky too if they heard I stay.
  63. Andre's language is so cryptic yet familiar. I sort of know what he's trying to say most of the time, it's just that the way he's translating even simple sentences makes a lot of it close to unreadable.
  64.  
  65. >Cilestia smiled, "As you wish, John!"
  66. >Cilestia shut down the mirror.
  67. I felt a great disturbance in my sanity, as if billions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. It's over. John, even when given the chance to save everything, just officially killed humanity.
  68.  
  69.  
  70.  
  71. >John said, "Princess, thanks for everything, I know you are a good princess, you lead this country since thousands of years and you princess are a better ... president if ever could rule.
  72. That's a compliment, right?
  73.  
  74. >Cilestia thanked, "John thank you, you showed me as the humans can be friendly and peaceful, stay so long as you wish, but if you still need something of your time I can open the mirror again."
  75. So he still has the ability to go back in time and save humanity whenever he feels like it then? Woah, this entire chapter now feels completely pointless.
  76.  
  77. >Luna appeared, "Do you think it will work between him and Dash?"
  78. Luna has no concerns greater than John's love life.
  79.  
  80. >Cilestia answered, "Yea I was sure since he is here, HE IS A WONDERFUL GUY. I learned so much about him and I know the humans have another site too." she smiled.
  81. That site is called 4chan.org/b
  82. Do I even have to comment on how horrible this is? JOHN SURE IS A SWELL GUY, WHY, HE JUST DECIDED TO KILL OFF HIS ENTIRE RACE, ARGUABLY FOR PERSONAL GAIN.
  83. Well, that was chapter 18.
  84. Let me also remind everyone that this story has more upvotes than downvotes. Andre also released a new story two days ago.
  85.  
  86.  
  87.  
  88. >Part 19: Peace for everypony
  89. Except for the readers.
  90.  
  91. >FINALLY! I had my own home. OK it was only a small flat, but I like it.
  92. After a few weeks of sleeping in Twilight's guest bed, occasionally with her in it, John finally moves his hairless monkey ass out of the library.
  93.  
  94. >The last week was hard enough. The fight between Samantha, the fight between Connor, I had finally enough.
  95. Oh yeah, I forgot that Andre is such a shitty writer that he can't even into any kind of pacing.
  96.  
  97. >on that place where my house stood was earlier the new "One World Trade Centre"
  98. I'm honestly not even surprised at this point. All the 9/11 wank had to lead somewhere. Now John's living in the place where the Twin Towers used to stand. I do hope that at some point, zebras hijack some pegasi and fly them into John's house. That alone would redeem the fic for me.
  99.  
  100. >John´s home = the house in the middle outside.
  101. Pic related. It's the sign of a good auteur that instead of describing a place, he just posts a image and calls it a day. Some deep po-mo shit right here.
  102.  
  103. >Fluttershy whispered, "Oh yes a nice flat and big enough for a dog."
  104. Does... does John have a dog?
  105. Upon closer inspection, John adopted a dog from FS in chapter 5, but never named it, never picked it up, and never spoke of it again.
  106.  
  107.  
  108.  
  109. >Pinkie Pie gasped, "OOOOOOOOOOOH AND BIG ENOUGH FOR PARTIEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"
  110. And people say Pinkie is a one-dimensional character.
  111.  
  112. >John said and smiled, "Thank you guys ... ponies nice to hear. I like it too but for parties I don't know. It wasn't ever so silent as yet. Earlier there stood the One World Trade Centre. A very huge building. Looked so nice but now, my house stand here."
  113. Come on John, tell us about 9/11 again. Tell us about how humans suck because terrorism. Tell us about the glorious wars in the Middle East.
  114.  
  115. >John answered, "I borrowed a map of Equestria and compared with my map. Hey did you know you life in one of the biggest city in the world. Ponyville was earlier New York."
  116. How... how can you know that? How can you take a look at Equestria, find Ponyville and just go: "Well, that sure as fuck is NYC right there"? The terrain, the buildings the inhabitants are different. Equestria might resemble the US in it's shape, but Manehatten is clearly the NYC stand in. Ponyville lies as far away from the sea as you can get.
  117.  
  118.  
  119.  
  120. >The computer switched on, "Hello and welcome to VOX-System, how can I help you Sir. Oh Mr Price I see you brought some friends. Do anypony want to know something?"
  121. Remember this guy? The ghost/computer/hologram that lived in a cave with a depressed suicidal pegasus? That was totally useless and made no sense? Well, he's back, because John apparently dug a information centre out of a cave and installed it in his tiny flat. Maybe he forced Spike to do it.
  122.  
  123. >Twilight asked a bit frightened, "What --- what are you?"
  124. >The ghost said, "VOX-NYC-115 information system."
  125. That's futurespeech for "Holo-Nigger".
  126. Also I'm pretty sure we established like half a fic ago that this wasn't a ghost, but some sort of hologram bullshit.
  127.  
  128. >The ghost answered, "A compendium of all human knowledge. Which subject?"
  129. How do we know that this AI isn't evil?
  130.  
  131. >Twilights eyes opened wide, "REALLY? OOOOH YES finally somepony which could answered every single question."
  132. And Twilight never spoke to another living person again. All she lived for, all she could ever think about was hologram's knowledge. It was the reason she woke up in the morning, and went to bed the next morning, sleeping as little as she could manage. He was the very reason she even drew breath. He was even better than books. The end.
  133.  
  134.  
  135.  
  136. >John said, "If you want I can put one of these mirrors on your library, so he can connect between me and you."
  137. So the hologram works via mirrors now?
  138.  
  139. >Twilight said and giggled, "Ok it´s getting dark soon, I go now and John you should look outside there is a mare who waits for you." finally Twilight left Johns house too.
  140. Please don't make me suffer through more romance. If anything, skip right to the sex. That might at least be entertaining.
  141.  
  142. >But Dash already on Johns door.
  143. You can feel the tension.
  144.  
  145. >He looked at Dash which looked .... GREAT. She looked so beautiful again, now he had doing something special with her mane which I never seen on her before. She tied her mane in a queue.
  146. Then John goes on talking about his hair-preferences. Pic related I guess.
  147.  
  148. >Dash giggled, "Hey lover boy! Oh man John you are still the same, oh nice flat and ... ow ... nice bedroom rrrrrrrrwwrrr."
  149. I wonder what it would take to get Ashleigh Ball to record some of these lines.
  150.  
  151. >John wondered, "Ok the first thing which she nodded on my new house was ... my bedroom ... OK why not? I like it too."
  152. John's naiveness might have been a bit cute had he not been a douche, and the biggest mass murderer in human history.
  153.  
  154. >I touched the area between her wings. She moaned.
  155. Well, that's a new one.
  156.  
  157. >She kissed him everywhere on him body up to ... down.
  158. Wow, at this pace, we might actually get something resembling a real sex scene.
  159.  
  160.  
  161.  
  162. >She ripped out his clothes.
  163. >*MOAN* *MOAN* *MOAN*
  164. And that's it. Then entire sex scene. The only person that even came close to an erection was Andre.
  165.  
  166. >Apple Jack asked, "Ehm Twi should we not go it´s a bit to private and I don't wanna hear that ... really what they are actually doing."
  167. Wait. What's AJ and Twi doing here? Are we about to get a classic fatal fourway?
  168.  
  169. >Twilight said, "You right everypony but I am so glad they are together now. And of all we have our peace now. Let´s go home.
  170. >They left the bush which they hide to see what's going on in Johns house.
  171. Oh, so they were just waiting in the bushes... outside John's bedroom... to listen to their friends fuck?
  172.  
  173. >The human kind did so many mistakes. But this wasn't the end, god chose me, he gave me the chance to CHANGE something.
  174. Jesus Christ I just forgot that John was on a mission from God. Though, this mission wasn't really clear in any way, so we just have to assume that John fucked a horse and killed humanity because God wills it.
  175.  
  176. >Maybe I am in a relationship with a pony mare, but it worth it. I think I should learn, what friendship means, what it means to have a REAL family, a fair government and a relationship.
  177. So you're trying to start a family? With a horse? I can't possibly see any difficulties.
  178.  
  179.  
  180. >Thank you god, that you gave me this awesome new live, I know we felt, but now I have the chance to do it better ... to begin anew.
  181. Thank you god for destroying your chosen people, humanity, created in your image, just so one guy could start anew and fuck some animals.
  182.  
  183. >"For who knoweth what is good for man in this life, all the days of his vain life which he spendeth as a shadow.For who can tell a man what shall be after him under the sun?"
  184. I'm actually pleasantly surprised. Not only is he correctly quoting Ecclesiastes 6:12, but he's even using the based King James' Version. And not only is it a correct quote, but it actually feels rather fitting, all things considered, as well.
  185. I guess there was bound to be one small gem in this pool of shit.
  186.  
  187. >NE GENERATION PASSETH AWAY AND ANOTHER COMETH BUT THE EARTH ABIDETH FOREVER!
  188. More sexy lines, courtesy of King James.
  189.  
  190. >THIS WASN´T THE END OF THE WORLD ... THIS WAS A RECOMENCENENT!!!
  191. I'll just assume he means recommencement. Well, that was chapter 19, which means that I am soon... half way through the fic. Fuck.
  192. But we stumbled upon something a bit better than his usual shit at the end here, so that's something.
RAW Paste Data