Hi

Hi
Well first things first, I just wanna say Hi, and to apologize about a lot of things, I want you to know, this is not for sympathy, so please don't feel bad for me or anything, and if you do decide to read this enitre paste bin, well then thank you very much.

I wanna just give a few special shoutouts to people who helped me over the times a bunch and mean a ton to me:

Captsamerica: She's like my bff on twitch right now, she is very sweet and funny too, she's made me just overall enjoy life nore and have fun with it
gOKuLOL: She is also a very very good friend. She always makes me laugh during her streams and even my own, I owe her some gratitude honestly.
Trevperson: This dude has been so nice to me and I haven't known him for very long, he is very nice and understanding.
Speedfrog: I love this guy, he is very sweet and down to earth, he is also very funny and helpful, I would like to give him a special thanks and a hug if I could.
ToadsWoot: Another very down to earth guy, I love him too, he's always been there for me when I needed him the most, and he is always nice to me.
Hot Local singles group(ben, nuptup,gamestabled,fozzy,fox,ect): These people were the first group I have ever joined, and they were the coolest people I ever met, all of then loved speedruns and we all used to hang out together for hours, and we had a special bond for a very very long time!
Lpzeldagamer: Another very sweet and down to earth gal, she's been my friend on twitch forever, and hopefully for more, I know I'm mean to her at times, but we remain great friends to the very end.
Hopeisnotlost,yadra121,vb_srl, and TheMageling: All of these people are wonderful, not only are they funny and nice, but they are great individuals, and I'm glad I met all of them.
JoJoChu/demon9: Jojo is so nice and sweet and always cheers me up when I'm feeling sad, and demon has a great personality, and is such a good buddy, Love them both a ton.

The list can go on and on, but honestly everyone should be on here, since you're all amazing

Now here's what I wanted to talk about. Recently, I've been thinking, not about a lot, but just about myself as an individual as a whole. I represented myself on twitter and twitch and to others, as a mere joke, or a meme, and I did it on purpose cause I thought I wanted to be funny, then I got into anime, and it went downhill from there. I've began feeling depressed, off stream always contemplating about a lot of things. One was getting money for college, then why I hated streaming so much, and just family issues with my mother and father. I wanted to be somewhat normal for once, but I could never, I always had a bad habit of trying so hard to be funny or crack a wise joke, and all it leads to is just confusion and awkward silence. I've had a real talk about all this, but honestly it didn't help me at all. I couldn't stop just the endless stream of garbage coming out of my mouth and it was just terrible. I'm not funny, I'll admit it, I am completely self aware of my actions and what I want to think about. I tend to also annoy a lot of individuals. This is a habit that happens in real life as well. I can't stop it, unless I just shut up. I know when someone is annyoyed, its extremely easy to tell, and I stopped caring for a while about what other people thought. Around early 2015, I noticed, I've been having some strange mood swings, including violent tantrums and I often ended up yelling or getting very mad, or breaking something, and hurting myself, and that was when I sorta had a mental breakdown, I just wanted it all to stop honestly, and it couldn't, so I had to simply deal with it. These emotions have and are still with me, and I try not to show it, since I don't want people to worry, but its gotten to a point where im just thinking of leaving it all behind and starting fresh.

But I know I can't do this.

I have made too many friends, and too many relations just to throw it all away. I'm changing not only for people who care or watch me, but for me, I want to be a better person as a whole, and just be more mature in a sense.

I've had all my fun and games of course, but I want to succeed in life, and I want to do good in school, and acting like a terrible 14 year old, wont help me at all.
I won't stop liking memes, or posting them, but there will be a lot lot lot less of them, from me, I am very annoyed about this stuff as of lately, and I just want to stop and relax. I hate ruining friendships or even relationships just cause I act like an idiot all the time, and it's a bad habit I wish to stop.
I will also try to behave a lot less....loud and rude at times. I have been going a little overboard with this, and I rather be chill and have a nice stream to watch speedruns or even just hang out, than an entertainer, and a shitty one at that. I wanted to be like zfg, a calm collected, guy, just there for the game, but i haven't done that. What have I done, I associated myself with terrible jokes, made people leave me, drawn distance apart from people, and it's not a good feeling to swallow down. I have decided a few things I want to improve, not only on stream, but as a whole.

Stream:
Well for one, I'm gonna use less mic, I know I said this, but it was fun, but now, its an annoyance, I stream currently to speedrun and make people happy with the speedruns I do, and if I have my mic on, that means I'll be willing to chat about anything, and just chill.  But I just want a chill stream for everyone to enjoy and even have as background noise. Secondly, I am only streaming Albw and sa2b from now on until, I feel like it. I used to care that people would hate sonic, but now I don't, I want to appeal to a larger group of runners to watch, and its a good idea to do so. And I will continue to play albw, until I basically decide to quit, so enjoy a lot of it. Also, less memes in my chat, no rules, but common sense is a given at this point, spam is cool, but destroying my chat that i want chill, isn't.

Myself:
All I plan is to be a lot less of an idiot, I wanna be that person, that anyone can talk to, I'm a much better speaker than writer and I demonstrate it as such. I hate making conversations awkward just cause I say a bad joke, so don't expect too much from me now. I came to have fun and make good friends, not have a reputation as a loser who is annoying.

I'm sorry to anyone who will miss this side of me, but I know I won't, I'm taking a week off for midterms, and going to a doctor for 2 things, mental, and something a bit more personal, but I'll be back streaming maybe saturday or even friday I guess at earliest. I won't use mic however until after a few days.

I want all of you to know, I love all of you from the bottom of my heart, and again I'm sorry for the recent events i have done, they were not me, and it will never happen again, and no more spam, or as much.

Cheers, and happy speedrunning
from Ham