An Apology to the Nurse (Hisao)

An Apology to the Nurse

05-23-2012

Dear ... uh ... Nurse? ... I forgot your name, sorry




Anyways, I would like to apologize in writing for my behavior last night. Some people say it would be better in person, but that's bullshit. This apology letter is tangible proof of my heartfelt guilt. Provided the letter doesn't become wet or blown away by a gust of wind or set on fire ... seriously, paper is flimsy. If you would like, I could imprint this in carbonite. My hallmate, Kenji, says he knows a guy. But I digress. I didn't mean to go off on a nonsensical tangent. Sorry. Oh, not that this apology letter is about that rant. Or that I couldn't remember your name (Is it Allen? I want to say your name is Allen, because you totally have an "Allen" vibe). Uh again, it was about what happened the night before. My actions were totally uncalled for. Though, maybe if I attempt to tell you exactly what I was thinking, you would understand.

Firstly, accusing you of being "an alien bodysnatcher" and refusing to let you render aid for the first 15 minutes or so. You see, I was drunk. Totally, totally shitfaced drunk. But being a person in a medical field ... or just a person in general ... you probably already knew that. Being an ardent fan of science-fiction novels, also didn't help. So ... sorry for that.

Secondly, once in your office, running to the bathroom and barricading myself there for an hour until the janitor could come with the key. At 3 am. So, so sorry. My body was more alcohol than blood at that point plus the fact I still thought of you as an extra-terrestrial human-napper didn't help. If you can, would you kindly pass on an apology to the janitor? Especially the part about hitting him with the plunger in the face once he unlocked the door. And the removal of my clothing during the ensuing struggle. You see, after the janitor took away the plunger, I was left without any weapons to defend myself from otherworldly beings. And so, I did what I thought was clever improvisation then (and now that I'm sober, think it's actually mind-blowingly brilliant) and took off my clothing and threw them as projectiles at you guys. I don't know first hand what trying to subdue a flailing naked man is like, but I would imagine it's not high up on the enjoyable activities hierarchy.

Thirdly, all the girlish crying. You see, it was a very stressful time for me. Coming to terms with being at Yamaku, whiskey coursing through my veins, worrying that my organs are now forfeit to aliens, and the bleeding from my beautiful face. I mean, I don't mean to brag, but I know I'm a very handsome guy. And my life revolves that fact. Being disfigured is a big blow to my psyche. I mean, I would then be just an above average looking guy. And I don't want to be an above average looking guy, I like my life as an Adonis. Maybe you can give me pointers on how to live life as a non-gift to womankind guy later.

Fourthly, the mess I left. Yeah, pissing and crapping yourself while passed out is a rather shameful thing. So I was too embarrassed to stick around and face you. And sorry for the broken window that I smashed to escape your judgmental eyes. I realize now that I could have easily just opened it, but I was really scared of you finding out about my loss of faculties during the night. In summation, it was really, really stressful, and I panicked. Sorry about your window.

So ... sorry Nurse .. Allen, is it? If it's not, can I call you Allen? Because like I said, you totally have an Allen vibe.

-Hisao Nakai, slightly less handsome man thanks to a Manly Picnic