4. Sativa/Arvius/FilthyRobot

Sativa couldn't be any more stressed from a game of Civ. After randoming Egypt, he took Divine Inspiration as his first Follower Belief, but Arvius was still beating him to every fucking Wonder. Culture victory was out of reach, and his tech level was raped because he put his cities in Production focus for so long. It didn't help either that FilthyRobot, his most hated enemy, was in the game.

As he finally felt like he was recovering, Sativa finally focused on building some military. But it was too late. Filthy's armies were advancing upon Thebes, surrounded by almost nothing but flatland. Sativa began to fear for his life, and for his asshole. Wave upon wave of Swordsmen and Composite Bowmen descended upon him. He was only barely able to drive them off, as Arvius's armies began to appear from the south.

He knew he could not defend himself from a two-front invasion. Horror filled him, but at the same time, he felt an odd excitement pulsing through his Asian veins. Perhaps this was revenge for all the times he had teamed and killed them both, and he was going to be "punished" for being such a bad boy. Lines of spearmen began to pierce both his front and back borders; he was sandwiched between their fantastic "weapons."

"If I can just get Great Wall, I'll win the game, right?" he remembered himself saying aloud a few turns ago. How wrong he was -- his protection was stripped from him by Arvius, just like everything else, and now he was being teamed and handled in such a brutal manner. He began to relax and stop resisting the assault.

Once he stopped fighting back, he could hear Filthy say from his stream, "What I really hate about some NQ players in this community, is when they don't play to win -- they just give up like this little fuckboi here." Eventually, Thebes fell, and both Filthy's and Arvius's troops flooded inside Sativa's own borders. As he closed Civ 5 to take a break, he noticed that his jeans were crusty from his own dried semen.