BOOF

DAVE: ⧖ *Despite all of his badassness and info gathering, and the super cool "Rage against the matriarchy" shit, his favorite thing to do was sleep. And stay at home. And- Okay, yeah. We got the point! Get on with it! He stretched as he made his way up to his apartment, looking over his shoulder (girls were scary) and shifting his bag over his shoulder. There was important info in there! Important stuff. With important things. A dossier of people, plans for sabotage missions- And he was finally in his fucking apartment, dropping the bag into the ground and huffing out a little sigh. Door closed. Door locked. Door kicked a little bit. Then, 'fridge.*
JADE: ✵ *With how long it took for Jade to figure out his schedule, one would think that someone leaked how she got all of her info and how she took out all of her targets! But, you know. That was impossible because 1) This is the first time she's gone after a target in chat and 2) They all die. All day every day. But once she got his schedule down to the letter, it wasn't hard to warp in (quietly! Very quietly!) to watch him walk to the fridge and... kick it? What the fuck? But... well. It was enough noise to let her pick up the bag he threw and glance through it.*
JADE: ✵ hey dave
JADE: ✵ long time no see
DAVE: ⧖ *Ahahaha, holy shit. He jumped about a foot in the air (figuratively) and turned over to face her. Doggie. God, he hated dogs. Just, the worst. Except, this dog was also a girl! A girl that knew his name. A girl that was also Jade. Debatably?*
DAVE: ⧖ holy fuckin shit jade
JADE: ✵ jeez, you havent forgotten who i am have you?
DAVE: ⧖ i mean who could blame me
JADE: ✵ thats not anyway to greet an old friend :/
DAVE: ⧖ i dont remember you being grey
DAVE: ⧖ that seems very new
JADE: ✵ you having very explicit plans against The Empress is new too but i still know who you are
DAVE: ⧖ how did you do that thing with your mouth
DAVE: ⧖ say empress again
JADE: ✵ Empress
DAVE: ⧖ haha holy shit
JADE: ✵ dave
DAVE: ⧖ sick
DAVE: ⧖ jade
JADE: ✵ im literally about to bite you in your stupid jugular
JADE: ✵ you want to keep making fun of me? :/
DAVE: ⧖ who said i was making fun of you
DAVE: ⧖ literally nobody said that
DAVE: ⧖ its curiosity man
DAVE: ⧖ its not every day that you reconnect with a friend thats also a dog
JADE: ✵ *Speaking of that, Jade opens the bag and takes out a notebook. Hm. Hmmmm.*
DAVE: ⧖ and can do weird things with their- hey put that down
JADE: ✵ i was a dog before i started working for Her
DAVE: ⧖ *He reaches out and kind of. Tries to grab it.*
DAVE: ⧖ please give me that
JADE: ✵ *Oh no! Jade zaps back, snickering as she starts to thumb through it.*
JADE: ✵ oh helllll no
JADE: ✵ im here under direct orders to figure out what youre doing
JADE: ✵ try that again and ill bite
DAVE: ⧖ direct orders from who? your mom?
DAVE: ⧖ haha OWNED
JADE: ✵ *Hell!! She even makes a show of chomping at the air to show off those VERY very sharp teeth.*
DAVE: ⧖ okay this is poor timing
JADE: ✵ >:/
DAVE: ⧖ im sorry
JADE: ✵ no youre not
DAVE: ⧖ not really
JADE: ✵ i can MAKE you sorry, if youd want
JADE: ✵ thats a completely valid option here
DAVE: ⧖ *He puts his hands up in a peaceful gesture, edging a little closer.*
DAVE: ⧖ i would prefer you didnt
JADE: ✵ ill own you like i own another version of you :)
DAVE: ⧖ im sorry what
JADE: ✵ he wasnt very durable, though
JADE: ✵ so i guess owned?
JADE: ✵ hes been in the garbage for a while
DAVE: ⧖ jade you
DAVE: ⧖ you dont throw people in the garbage
JADE: ✵ uh
JADE: ✵ well
JADE: ✵ i did
DAVE: ⧖ thats morally questionable
JADE: ✵ She made me :/
JADE: ✵ i wanted to keep him
JADE: ✵ but he wasnt doing anything
DAVE: ⧖ please stop doing that with your mouth
JADE: ✵ do WHAT with my mouth???
DAVE: ⧖ the thing with the fuckin
DAVE: ⧖ empress
JADE: ✵ i have literally no idea what youre talking about dave
JADE: ✵ like
JADE: ✵ none
DAVE: ⧖ never mind
DAVE: ⧖ can i please have my book back
DAVE: ⧖ i write down all of my wet dreams in there
JADE: ✵ your wet dreams are about over throwing Our Empress and taking over the city?
JADE: ✵ someone has a power complex, jeez
DAVE: ⧖ says who
JADE: ✵ never wouldve pegged you for it
DAVE: ⧖ that sounds like lies and slander
JADE: ✵ says ME
DAVE: ⧖ youre a liar and a slanderer
JADE: ✵ look, dude
JADE: ✵ i was kind of hoping she wasnt right about you being the one who was organizing all the stuff going on recently but i have to say im disappointed
JADE: ✵ really disappointed
JADE: ✵ like... come on
DAVE: ⧖ im not organizing shit
JADE: ✵ youre better than this :(
JADE: ✵ then whats this!!!
DAVE: ⧖ my birthday party invite list
JADE: ✵ bullshit!!!!!!
DAVE: ⧖ you were in there until you like
DAVE: ⧖ tried to eat me
DAVE: ⧖ which is right now btw
JADE: ✵ i havent TRIED to eat you yet
JADE: ✵ if i wanted to, i wouldve already
JADE: ✵ jeez
DAVE: ⧖ youre eating me with your words
DAVE: ⧖ theyre very hurtful
JADE: ✵ i dont eat my toys :/
DAVE: ⧖ kinky
JADE: ✵ you not inviting me to your birthday is hurtful
DAVE: ⧖ that was before you were evil
JADE: ✵ you said before i tried to eat you
JADE: ✵ sounds like someone doesnt have a consistent story
JADE: ✵ you sure this is a birthday list? i think youre lying
DAVE: ⧖ youd think i was lying anyway
DAVE: ⧖ how did you even get in here
DAVE: ⧖ also?
DAVE: ⧖ eating people?
DAVE: ⧖ evil action
DAVE: ⧖ your dm says that youre chaotic evil now
JADE: ✵ i can fucking warp???
JADE: ✵ dave this isnt new
DAVE: ⧖ and you didnt even call
DAVE: ⧖ rude
DAVE: ⧖ i would have made cookies
JADE: ✵ i cant eat chocolate chip
JADE: ✵ also i dont like cookies anymore
JADE: ✵ or normal cookies
DAVE: ⧖ thast not the only kind of cookie
JADE: ✵ they arent as good as Hers most of the time
JADE: ✵ Hers are sooooo good dave youre missing out
JADE: ✵ too bad youre not gonna taste them because i have to
JADE: ✵ you know
JADE: ✵ kill you
DAVE: ⧖ i would prefer not dying thanks
JADE: ✵ what you prefer doesnt matter
DAVE: ⧖ i think it does
JADE: ✵ mmm
JADE: ✵ let me think on it
DAVE: ⧖ im gonna leave a 1 star review for this dictatorship
NICKI: im gonna delete yelp
JADE: ✵ *She lets out a long overdramatic sigh as she leaned her head back. Thinking... thinking. Enough thinking to fill an entire five seconds until ! Suddenly!! There is a sword!!!! In her hand!!!!!!!!!*
JADE: ✵ nope
JADE: ✵ doesnt matter
JADE: ✵ and ill just delete your review like all chain dictatorships
JADE: ✵ first theres only one Empress and next thing you know we took over all dimensions and worlds
JADE: ✵ maybe you can have a coupon in your afterlife?
JADE: ✵ thats not my department
JADE: ✵ so i dont really care, to be honest
DAVE: ⧖ *Aha! Ahahaha! Fuck! Dave jumped back, like he was going to grab for a fucking sword on total instinct. Except, no swords. He got rid of those years ago. Who thought that you'd need a sword in a dictatorship!*
DAVE: ⧖ coupon for what
DAVE: ⧖ better dictatorship?
JADE: ✵ dave dont make this hard :(
DAVE: ⧖ jade its my goal to make this as hard as physically possible
DAVE: ⧖ ...
DAVE: ⧖ thats what she said
JADE: ✵ and i dont know what the coupons for
JADE: ✵ i just said that wasnt my department, jerkass >:/
JADE: ✵ god!! why dont you listen to me?
JADE: ✵ if you just come with me i can convince her to let you be my toy!!!
DAVE: ⧖ sorry
DAVE: ⧖ instant stress response
DAVE: ⧖ sworsd
DAVE: ⧖ you know how it is
DAVE: ⧖ and also like
DAVE: ⧖ you break toys
JADE: ✵ like when i told you that i thought we were pushing too hard before i worked for Her!
JADE: ✵ you dont!
JADE: ✵ listen!!!
DAVE: ⧖ i like being not broken
JADE: ✵ you wont break if youre durable >:(
DAVE: ⧖ im skin and bones jade
JADE: ✵ that doesnt mean youre not durable
DAVE: ⧖ i also cried at must love dogs
JADE: ✵ ive broke a really buff karkat before
DAVE: ⧖ wait what
JADE: ✵ that was really disappointing...
DAVE: ⧖ what the fuck jade
JADE: ✵ what????????
JADE: ✵ he was fun while he still
JADE: ✵ uyou know
JADE: ✵ worked
DAVE: ⧖ is he alive
KARKAT: Karkat leaps out of a nearby garbage bin! He grabs a bag of chips from Dave and just BOOKS IT. He's never seen again.
JADE: ✵ *KARKAT NO!!!!*
JADE: ✵ *omit*
KARKAT: *KARKAT YES!!!!
JADE: ✵ *KARKAT GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN BREAK YOU BETTER!!!!!!*
JADE: ✵ OMIT*
DAVE: ⧖ *There he goes.....*
KARKAT: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPERS!!!!!
JADE: ✵ uhhh...?
JADE: ✵ maybe?
JADE: ✵ i slept on top of him a lot but i dont know what She did to him when he was really gross
DAVE: ⧖ she can suck my dick
DAVE: ⧖ sorry
DAVE: ⧖ She
JADE: ✵ i dont know the difference
JADE: ✵ in what youre saying
DAVE: ⧖ its subtle
JADE: ✵ youre weird
DAVE: ⧖ says the dog lady threatenin me with a sword
JADE: ✵ are you gonna put up your dukes or can i just restrain you and take you to Her? >:/
JADE: ✵ why do you keep making fun of me for being a dog?!
JADE: ✵ i was like this before!
DAVE: ⧖ im not making fun of you
DAVE: ⧖ its like
DAVE: ⧖ an adjective
JADE: ✵ *UGH! She just slashes at the air because!! why the fuck does he keep pointing it out!!! stop!!!!!!!*
JADE: ✵ its ANNOYING is what it is!
JADE: ✵ i have a NAME
JADE: ✵ USE IT!
DAVE: ⧖ *He jumped, shades slipping down on his nose a little. He would never get used to that.*
DAVE: ⧖ "says the jade threatening me with a sword"
DAVE: ⧖ that dont flow well
JADE: ✵ it doesnt matter!
JADE: ✵ i dont care!!!!
DAVE: ⧖ okay okay just fuckin
DAVE: ⧖ put that down
JADE: ✵ you know what? no im dont playing with you
DAVE: ⧖ cant even fight back, shut up
JADE: ✵ this is stupid and i hate stupid
DAVE: ⧖ im very stupid
DAVE: ⧖ ugh what would She do to me anyway
NICKI: 3>:)
JADE: ✵ *She shoves the nootbook back into the bag (did she do that already? I don't care to check) and warps in front of him and grabs him by the collar of his shirt. She looks angy. Yes I typed angy shut the fuck up*
JADE: ✵ i dont know and i dont care anymore
JADE: ✵ im mad now >:(
JADE: ✵ so YOURE coming with me if you like it or not
DAVE: ⧖ you were mad the whole time
JADE: ✵ I WAS NOT!
DAVE: ⧖ please let go
JADE: ✵ my warp doesnt work unless im touching you so NO
JADE: ✵ i will NOT let go
JADE: ✵ and YOU dont tell me what to do
DAVE: ⧖ i said please
DAVE: ⧖ it was a polite requset
JADE: ✵ so now youre being polite? >:/
JADE: ✵ why couldnt you have been like this earlier?!
DAVE: ⧖ im a gentleman
JADE: ✵ fuck you, dave
DAVE: ⧖ im a little gay for that, aint i?
DAVE: ⧖ ...dont
DAVE: ⧖ answer that
DAVE: ⧖ dont answer that
DAVE: ⧖ forgot that i live in a shithole
JADE: ✵ *With that, she warps the both of them back to her room and she shoves him on the floor. Fuck this. At least she has nice carpet, it's fluffy!*
JADE: ✵ YOU are going to stay here while i put this away
JADE: ✵ are we clear?
BRO: *she still has his torn up shirt somewhere doesn't she*
DAVE: ⧖ *He pulled off his shades once he landed, rubbing his nose and standing. God, that was jarring! Fuck.*
DAVE: ⧖ probably not
JADE: ✵ *She gives him ONE (1) hard look before holding up her sword. She doesn't have to ask again, does she?*
BRO: r.i.p. alpha bros shirt))
DAVE: ⧖ ...right
DAVE: ⧖ gotcha
DAVE: ⧖ please put that away
JADE: ✵ *suddenly, it's not a sword. its a gun*
JADE: ✵ *GUN*
DAVE: ⧖ *GUN*
JADE: ✵ *GUN*
NICKI: *GUN!!!*
JAKE: *DID SOMEONE SAY GUN*
JADE: ✵ so youre going to stay?
JADE: ✵ i dont have to keep fighting you? >:/
DAVE: ⧖ can i dig through your stuff?
JADE: ✵ okay fucking gross
JADE: ✵ why would you go through my stuff?
DAVE: ⧖ iunno
JADE: ✵ i thought you were gay
DAVE: ⧖ maybe there are scooby snacks up here
DAVE: ⧖ what?
DAVE: ⧖ ew
DAVE: ⧖ gross
JADE: ✵ HA
JADE: ✵ but no seriously stay out of my stuff or this gun is going to your leg
DAVE: ⧖ why my leg
JADE: ✵ so then you dont die and you cant run :/
DAVE: ⧖ can you get me food at least
DAVE: ⧖ i havent eaten
JADE: ✵ and whos fault is that?
JADE: ✵ ill find something i guess
DAVE: ⧖ yours?
DAVE: ⧖ i was going to my fridge
JADE: ✵ but if i found that you moved youre getting hurt and no food
JADE: ✵ uhhh
JADE: ✵ no
JADE: ✵ its your fault for not getting food sooner
DAVE: ⧖ i literally just got home
JADE: ✵ dont pin your shitty habits on me :/
JADE: ✵ *With that, she makes sure she still has Daves backpack and warps out. She's only gone for about... a few minutes before she comes back with a plate full of some good ass meat. MEAT. Look at that yummy steak.*12:34:18 AM
JADE: ✵ dave?
DAVE: ⧖ *He had just kinda plopped his ass on the floor. God, this was boring. And new Jade was scary, he couldn't even dig around for her diary to see what the fuck happened! He glanced up when she entered, standing. Important question: was the steak cooked*
JADE: ✵ *Of fucking course the steak is cooked! It's even cut up into cubes because she doesn't trust him with a knife or a fork. Except her steak. Hers is just a huge one that she'll rip into with her teeth because she's a fucking savage.*
JADE: ✵ okay, rude
JADE: ✵ youre not even gonna answer me?
DAVE: ⧖ sorry- i thought the narrative spoke for me
DAVE: ⧖ um
DAVE: ⧖ thanks
JADE: ✵ what
DAVE: ⧖ nothing
JADE: ✵ okay?
DAVE: ⧖ *He is feeling more than a little awkward, not gonna lie. She was threatening him a little while ago!*
DAVE: ⧖ *...But he took the food. All food was good food.*
JADE: ✵ *She just sits next to him all criss cross applesauce before- oh I was going to write her putting it on the floor but okay.*
DAVE: ⧖ *Too bad. He took it. It's his now.*
JADE: ✵ *Instead of doing what she was going to do, she just picks up her own steak and tears into it like mentioned. S av a ge .*
JADE: ✵ *Do you hear the little growl? tiniest growl- cutest and intimidating growl*
DAVE: ⧖ *Scary teeth were scary, yo. Even though Jade, being Jade, made it cute. Dave picked up his steak cube with his hands (like a civilized human being) and stuck it in his mouth.*
DAVE: ⧖ is karkat still around?
JADE: ✵ i already told you, i dont know where he is
JADE: ✵ She took him and threw him away
DAVE: ⧖ in the actual garbage?
JADE: ✵ i dont throw out my own toys >:/
JADE: ✵ dave, i dont know!
JADE: ✵ wherever she does it, i dont find them after that
JADE: ✵ ive looked
JADE: ✵ because i dont like giving htem up
JADE: ✵ them- even. shit
DAVE: ⧖ its ok, take your time
JADE: ✵ he was a good pillow though
DAVE: ⧖ right?
JADE: ✵ cuddley when i got him to stop yelling
DAVE: ⧖ even when hes yelling its kind of endearing
JADE: ✵ ughhh i had to collar him down because he wouldnt stop RUNNING
JADE: ✵ it was so annoying!
JADE: ✵ and i had to be on my best behavior or She wouldnt let me keep him if i wasnt >:/
DAVE: ⧖ wait
DAVE: ⧖ what?
DAVE: ⧖ best behavior
DAVE: ⧖ you mean that you arent a perfect princess already that is a joke
JADE: ✵ i had to be a good dog?
DAVE: ⧖ that sounds real creepy
JADE: ✵ youre creepy
DAVE: ⧖ not wrong
JADE: ✵ mr can i look through your room?
DAVE: ⧖ psh- thats a really good impression
JADE: ✵ ive worked on it a lot! im glad you like it :D
JADE: ✵ karkat thought it was good too
JADE: ✵ *She punctuates it with a nice RIIIPPPPP of her own food. Yummy.*
JADE: ✵ *It's actually kind of obnoxious*
DAVE: ⧖ do you do impressions often?
JADE: ✵ who do you want me to do?
DAVE: ⧖ nah man i was just wondering like
DAVE: ⧖ is this something you practice in your free time
JADE: ✵ i used to before i was busy
JADE: ✵ i think i was just waiting on the best time to show you and never got the chance
DAVE: ⧖ ...hey
DAVE: ⧖ im
DAVE: ⧖ sorry if i didnt listen
DAVE: ⧖ or pushed you too far
DAVE: ⧖ this dont look too fun
JADE: ✵ youre not actually sorry
JADE: ✵ dont lie to me, dave :/
DAVE: ⧖ what makes you say that?
JADE: ✵ i know you
JADE: ✵ and you lying to me makes me mad >:(
DAVE: ⧖ im not lying
JADE: ✵ you dont have to like it but dont lie to me
DAVE: ⧖ jade- holy shit
DAVE: ⧖ i havent talked to you in months
DAVE: ⧖ we thought you were dead
DAVE: ⧖ and theres a really high chance that its my fault
DAVE: ⧖ first you go missing and then karkat vanishes and its like- yknow
JADE: ✵ i am literally in the news and at all of )(er Imperious Condescension events!
DAVE: ⧖ im going through a lot of shit that ive got a major hand in
DAVE: ⧖ i tend to take a back seat to modern news outlets
JADE: ✵ ughh
JADE: ✵ well im not dead
JADE: ✵ obviously
DAVE: ⧖ holy shit
DAVE: ⧖ i had no idea
JADE: ✵ >:/
DAVE: ⧖ sorry
JADE: ✵ really?
DAVE: ⧖ not the time
DAVE: ⧖ sarcasm is an important coping mechanism
JADE: ✵ youre a dick
DAVE: ⧖ thats also an important coping mechanism
JADE: ✵ jeez
JADE: ✵ you seriously thought i was dead?
JADE: ✵ you live under a rock
DAVE: ⧖ i am not denying that
JADE: ✵ how long was i even gone when i took karkat?
JADE: ✵ ... pfft
JADE: ✵ im just thinking about how much of a fight he put up
JADE: ✵ it was pretty funny
DAVE: ⧖ jade-
DAVE: ⧖ jade, darlin
DAVE: ⧖ i dont know if this is something they teach in empire demon school
DAVE: ⧖ but you dont typically recount the traumatic disappearance of a person to their loved ones as "pretty funny"
DAVE: ⧖ just puttin that out there
JADE: ✵ right, fine fine :/
JADE: ✵ sorry
JADE: ✵ ... hey
JADE: ✵ finish your food
JADE: ✵ i want to play
DAVE: ⧖ its really hot and im going to burn my mouth
DAVE: ⧖ what- what do you mean, play
DAVE: ⧖ do you want me to throw a ball
JADE: ✵ yes??????????
JADE: ✵ what the fuck else would i do?
DAVE: ⧖ i can do that while im eating
JADE: ✵ uh
JADE: ✵ no
JADE: ✵ its not fun if you dont JUST play with me
JADE: ✵ its lame and boring
DAVE: ⧖ and you could have me throw a stick
DAVE: ⧖ or
DAVE: ⧖ what else do dogs like
DAVE: ⧖ tug of war
DAVE: ⧖ scratch you behind the ears
JADE: ✵ why do i feel like youre making fun of me again?
DAVE: ⧖ its my tone
JADE: ✵ fuck you
JADE: ✵ but!
JADE: ✵ for the most part i just want to play fetch :(
JADE: ✵ or sleep!
JADE: ✵ that too
JADE: ✵ sleep is really nice
JADE: ✵ but if i wake up and youre not there, im going to make you put up your dukes or chain you to the floor
DAVE: ⧖ i am like
DAVE: ⧖ the lease graceful person you knwo
DAVE: ⧖ i think youll know if i try to leave
JADE: ✵ i have to be fair and warn all of my toys :/
JADE: ✵ im a fair dog
DAVE: ⧖ so what
DAVE: ⧖ do toys basically just
DAVE: ⧖ throw balls for you and sleep
JADE: ✵ and pet me???
JADE: ✵ duh
DAVE: ⧖ how could i forget
JADE: ✵ if theyre bad i chew on them :)
DAVE: ⧖ bad how
DAVE: ⧖ important question
JADE: ✵ if i tell you, youre just going to toe the line
DAVE: ⧖ better than stepping over it without knowing
JADE: ✵ then dont be bad :)
DAVE: ⧖ or
DAVE: ⧖ alternatively
DAVE: ⧖ you tell me now and save both of us the trouble
JADE: ✵ the last time i told someone what the line was, they kept toeing it but not crossing it and it made me so mad that i tore them to bits :/
JADE: ✵ so
JADE: ✵ im not doing that again
DAVE: ⧖ understandable
DAVE: ⧖ have a nice day
JADE: ✵ you and your dumb memes
JADE: ✵ jeez dave get some fresh ones for once
DAVE: ⧖ my aesthetic is old outdated meme
JADE: ✵ a singular outdated meme?
DAVE: ⧖ yup
JADE: ✵ thats the one singular aesthetic you have
JADE: ✵ one meme
DAVE: ⧖ and you never know which one it is
DAVE: ⧖ but its only one
JADE: ✵ no you just said what it was
JADE: ✵ its understandable
JADE: ✵ have a nice day
DAVE: ⧖ thanks i will
JADE: ✵ OKAY
JADE: ✵ WOW
JADE: ✵ thats it
JADE: ✵ *She stands up with her hands in the air. NOPE*
JADE: ✵ * N O P E*
DAVE: ⧖ *He snorted, bowing his head to try and stifle those laughs. Hahaha, score. She was totally gonna eat him now.*
JADE: ✵ i can HEAR you!
JADE: ✵ *Instead of eating him, she just. Kick to the arm. Jerk.*
DAVE: ⧖ owww
JADE: ✵ youre so DUMB
DAVE: ⧖ i mean- yeah *He rubbed his arm, still chuckling.*
DAVE: ⧖ yaint wrong
JADE: ✵ learn some manners or i might just eat you
JADE: ✵ *Truth be told, Karkat was worse and never got hurt. Jade has a soft spot for these two and actually misses him a lot. :(*
DAVE: ⧖ bullshit
DAVE: ⧖ you havent eaten me yet
NICKI: Kinky.
JADE: ✵ you havent tried to run away
DAVE: ⧖ so what if i ran
DAVE: ⧖ just, right now
DAVE: ⧖ crawled out the window
JADE: ✵ *TBH THE WORST THING SHE DOES IS HAVE SEX WITH HER PETS HALF THE TIME BC SHES GOOD AT SCARING THEM LETS BE HONEST*
BRO: *YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF DAVE*
JADE: ✵ *he's gonna be well taken care of i promise :P*
JADE: ✵ youll be crawling into a fire and im not going to put you out
DAVE: ⧖ thats a badass way to die
JADE: ✵ too bad it wont be bad ass for you
DAVE: ⧖ ...
DAVE: ⧖ badass
JADE: ✵ yeah you do have a really bad ass :/
DAHVID: *he's here to babysit now. Well not right now, he's not interrupting yalls thing, but like, later. Basically, he will be here. Maybe. If you want him there.*
DAVE: ⧖ no
DAVE: ⧖ jade
DAVE: ⧖ badass
DAVE: ⧖ one word
JADE: ✵ honestly thats kind of why im glad youre gay because its...
JADE: ✵ all bone
JADE: ✵ :D
DAVE: ⧖ karkat likes my ass
JADE: ✵ :D :D :d
JADE: ✵ FUCK
DAVE: ⧖ HAH
JADE: ✵ i mean he liked mine too
JADE: ✵ but his was really nice
DAVE: ⧖ god
DAVE: ⧖ right
JADE: ✵ it was so... plush?
DAVE: ⧖ i miss his butt
KARKAT: *slaps own ass in the distance*
JADE: ✵ *May his butt live on in the distance*
KARKAT: *SMACC*
DAVE: ⧖ 1-800-ARE-YOU-SLAPPIN
DAVE: ⧖ *OMIT*
JADE: ✵ i think we both miss his butt
JADE: ✵ but his butt would still be here if he wouldve just cooperated!
DAVE: ⧖ and his but would still be here if we didnt live in a shit hole society where guys can literally be raped on the street
JADE: ✵ i mean girls can be raped too :/
JADE: ✵ its not like youre singled out
DAVE: ⧖ i mean
DAVE: ⧖ okay im
DAVE: ⧖ not gonna get into this with you
JADE: ✵ fine by me
JADE: ✵ are you done eating or what?
DAVE: ⧖ yeah