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- >Hear high-pitched whining and the sound of something soft scraping against dirt in your backyard
- >Check it out
- >Your neighbor's fluffy pony is trapped under a loose board
- >"hewp! meanie fence munsta got pwincess!"
- >That was the name your neighbor gave the pink fluffball with the purple mane
- >And he treats her like one
- >"wet go of fwuffy or get ouchies!" she orders the piece of wood
- >Pokerface.jpg
- >Decide to help
- >Go over to her
- >Lift the loose fence board
- >She scrambles into your backyard
- >Reach down to pet her
- >She slaps your hand away with a marshmallow hoof
- >"no hugsies 'til spasgetties!" she says
- >She sits up on her back legs and crosses her front legs together
- >She glares at you and blows a raspberry
- >Not sure how to react
- >Just stand there staring at the fluffy
- >"gif sketties! hooman dum? can' hear? wan' nummies!"
- >You're a reasonable guy
- >Go inside, whip up some chow for her
- >Microwaved canned chicken noodle soup
- >The same kind your mom made for you when you got sick
- >Go back outside and set the bowl in front of Princess
- >The only thing she says is "'bout time!" and goes "hmph" at you
- >She stares at the bowl, and then back at you
- >"whewe spoon?"
- >Huh?
- >She makes an angry, whiny groan
- >"stoopid hooman suppose'ta feed pwincess! dummy human!!"
- >She runs over and bucks you in the shin
- >Jeez...
- >Crouch down and bring the bowl to her lips
- >She goes "hmph!" again before tasting the soup
- >She spits it out on your hand
- >She's clenching her little fluffy pony teeth now
- >"HOOMAN DUMB! DIS NOT PASKETTIES!"
- >She waddles over to your feet
- >"now pwincess give dum hooman sowwy-poopies!"
- >She drops a fat turd on your shoe
- >The shoes your father, who worked as a door-to-door shoemaker/salesman/repairman for twenty years, hand-made for you
- >Now it's ruined
- >You're quiet for a second
- >"hooman weave now! dis pwincess new pway pwace!" she breaks the silence
- >Uh-huh.
- >You dump the soup on her with one flick of your wrist
- >"owwies! wawa hot! hooman dum! make oopsies! wan' mo' sowwy-poopies!"
- >Drop the bowl and backhand her
- >She shrieks and flies a few feet
- >She lands with a little splash from all the soup in her fur
- >Walk over to her
- >"owwies..." she's a little quieter on the gruond
- >She stands back up
- >"no wike dis game!" she puffs out her cheeks at you
- >Backhand her into the ground this time
- >Pick her back up by her chest fur
- >Start hitting her some more
- >Backhand, punch, backhand, punch
- >A little spray of soup every time you make contact
- >"nuu--fwuffy--fw--fwuffy s--sowwy!" she manages to get out between strikes
- >This is the problem with some fluffues
- >They're never sorry until they're in danger of being punished
- >And they'll promise to be good fluffies "fow evah"
- >And then they'll forget a day later and do it again
- >You're going to make her remember this
- >Ask her why she's sorry
- >"pwincess--" she flinches and puts her little hooves up against her head to protect herself
- >"princess sowwy fo' make bad poopies!" she says quickly
- >Ask her how she's going to make up for it
- >She stares blankly at you with big, tear-filled eyes
- >Ask the little shit again
- >"pwincess--pwincess dunno!"
- >You have an idea
- >Put her down in front of your soiled shoe
- >She tries to stand up, but you push her down to the ground
- >Tell her to eat it
- >"wah? nuu! no smeww pwetty!"
- >Pick her back up and start hitting her again
- >Now she starts crying
- >Put her down again and tell her to eat it again
- >She looks back up at you and tries to get back up
- >You raise your hand and she cowers back down with her head under her hooves
- >She gingerly reaches for it with her tongue and licks it
- >The moment she does, she draws it back with a "no taste pwetty! dun wanna!"
- >Time for drastic measures
- >Flip her on her back
- >Backhand her again for good measure
- >Put your hands on both sides of her jaw
- >Force it open
- >Start squeezing
- >She starts shrieking in agonizing pain as the bones slowly and audibly crack and collapse
- >Now she can't move her jaw
- >Tears are streaming out of her eyes
- >Pick up the brown turd on your shoe and hold it over the pink turd on the ground
- >Drop it into her open mouth
- >Her screaming turns into a muffled groan
- >The turd's still too big to go down
- >Idea!
- >Put one hand on her upper jaw and one hand on her lower jaw
- >Pull them apart
- >Not too far, mind you. Don't want to kill her. That'd be too nice for her
- >Blood sprays out of the torn corners of her mouth
- >Push the turd into her mouth
- >That's probably gonna get infected
- >But at least it fits better now
- >Close her mouth over it
- >Massage and compress the mouth to help the turd fit down her throat
- >This is incredibly painful for her because of her broken jaw
- >But she swallows, piece by piece
- >Let go of her jaw
- >Her jaw hangs open now
- >Pat her on the head
- >Her fluff is quite soft
- >Wipe off the rest of the shit on it
- >She starts sobbing
- >Go back inside to wash your hands and clean your shoe
- >The sobbing cradles you off to happy dreams
- >Your neighbor comes back from his business trip a week later
- >You're the first person he asks about what happened
- >She can't say a thing with her immobile, broken jaw
- >Not that she could do much good with her feeble fluffy intellect
- >So you tell him you found a stray mutt violently french-kissing her, but you chased it off just in time
- >He thanks you, calls you a hero, and resolves never to leave Princess alone again
- >But his job takes him all over the place and that mortgage won't pay itself...
- "Hey, anon, you wouldn't mind babysitting my sweet little Princess next week, would ya? I can pay you."
- >Not at all, buddy. Not at all...
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