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  1. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  2. *-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-* I N S A N I T Y
  3. Release v5.5 - STANDARD Revision
  4. Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu)
  5. "DOOM: Where the sanest place... is behind a trigger."
  6. "DOOM: Such mayhem the likes of which have never
  7. been witnessed in this particular dimension!"
  8. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  9.  
  10. ============
  11. INTRODUCTION
  12. ============
  13.  
  14. DOOM iNsAnItY started as a small joke in the first "Official" DOOM
  15. FAQ v1.0. It slowly grew, and by v5.0 of the FAQ, it was almost 20% of
  16. 100k FAQ! I finally decided to release it as a seperate file. This will
  17. probably be the last release of DOOM iNsAnItY, so enjoy it while you can!
  18.  
  19. =================
  20. TABLE OF CONTENTS
  21. =================
  22.  
  23. [1] Comedy
  24. [1-1] A word from Douglas J. Bottoms
  25. [1-2] DOOM: The Real Thing
  26. [1-3] Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping
  27. at Computer!
  28. [1-4] The Night Before DOOM
  29. [1-5] You know you have been playing DOOM too long when...
  30. [1-6] DOOM: Opening a door to hell
  31. [2] Top Ten Lists
  32. [2-1] Top Ten Things To Do While Waiting for DOOM
  33. [2-2] Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives
  34. [2-3] Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay
  35. [2-4] Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed
  36. [2-5] Top Twenty Comments Made After DOOM's Release
  37. [3] DOOM R.E.M.
  38. [3-1] Pixelated Demons
  39. [3-2] The Mythical Beta Releases
  40. [3-3] You Don't Take MasterCard?!
  41.  
  42. -------------------
  43. CHAPTER [1]: Comedy
  44. -------------------
  45.  
  46. This is the chapter of DOOM iNsAnItY where free-form comedy
  47. is written.
  48.  
  49. [1-1]: A word from Douglas J. Bottoms
  50. =====================================
  51. FOREWORD: Here's the first addition to DOOM iNsAnItY!
  52. This was posted on comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Thursday,
  53. October 21, 1993. He speaks on a new game idea: id programmers
  54. as bad guys in DOOM.
  55.  
  56. ----------
  57. Subject: NEW GAME! id programmers as bad guys in DOOM!
  58. From: Douglas J. Bottoms <DBottoms@Lilly.Com>
  59. Date: Thu Oct 21 10:00:02 1993
  60.  
  61. That's it!! I new twist on the game!!! The DOOM good guys are idle
  62. gaming buffs who have finally cracked and can no longer wait for the
  63. release of the only game that will make ALL OTHER games seem like PONG!
  64. Blind Wolfenstein will no longer simmer the anger! They go slap-happy and
  65. grab their multidimensional boots and gloves (with snazzy smooth shading)
  66. and go to the id programmers' dungeon/lair. It will be a slaughter!
  67. Pixilated programmers, peeved project leaders, panting personnel...the
  68. works. The big bosses could be just that, the big bosses, especially the
  69. one who just made a press release that DOOM would be delayed another few
  70. months (this is make believe, of course - (squint) you aren't going to
  71. delay the release (pant, pant); look into my eyes (o)(o) (imagine
  72. reversing sound) and repeat after me, "I must release DOOM soon. I must
  73. program, eat, sleep day and night." Mu who ha ha ha!).
  74.  
  75. Excuse my sanity. I get a bit zany when I get thinking about the soon to
  76. be released game that will resolve the U.S.' Deficit and save the rats
  77. from being beheaded on the space shuttle. I see the sun raising...
  78.  
  79. The thoughts expressed here are entirely my own and do not necessarily
  80. reflect the thoughts of any other individual or group affiliated with Eli
  81. Lilly and Company.
  82. ----------
  83.  
  84. [1-2]: DOOM: The Real Thing
  85. ===========================
  86. FOREWORD: This messages was posted from gills@qucdn.queensu.ca on
  87. Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Monday,
  88. November 15, 1993. He has a new idea: playing DOOM in REAL LIFE!
  89.  
  90. ----------
  91. Howdy,
  92.  
  93. Yes, like all you DOOM fans I have been eagerly awaiting the release
  94. date for this landmark game. Although I was very disappointed in the
  95. release date being bumped up from 3rd quarter '93 to Dec 10, I limited my
  96. anger and frustration to strangling my neighbour's cat (didn't like it much
  97. anyways.... ;) ).
  98.  
  99. But, NOW I'm forced to read all the great stuff about the Beta
  100. release that some people have been lucky enough to get their hands on.
  101. ....well, not FORCED to read it, but I can't help absorbing every bit of
  102. information I can possibly locate. :)
  103.  
  104. I can't handle the fact that some people have tried the game now,
  105. and I haven't, so I thought I might pull out my brass knuckles and 12 gauge
  106. pump shotgun and start up a *REAL* DOOM game. I figured that I, and 3 other
  107. frustrated DOOM awaiters, could meet up at an abandoned warehouse or
  108. something and have a rip snortin' Death Match of our own. We could throw
  109. some shotgun shells and ammo boxes randomly around the place, along with
  110. some first-aid kits (fine for light grazes from perhaps a .22 calibre round
  111. but not much good for a 12 gauge belly wound :) ) - then we go at it !!!
  112.  
  113. Granted, there won't be any monsters in this place, like there are
  114. in DOOM, but I do have a pretty ugly cousin I could trick into coming; and
  115. with a quick dunk in some gray paint I'm convinced he could bear a passable
  116. resemblance to a gargoyle <G>.
  117.  
  118. So ....any takers? Heh, heh, heh.
  119.  
  120. Note: This a JOKE, only a joke....that's J-O-K-E..as in, I'm not serious.
  121. If you are a certified nut-bar who would like to really try this out
  122. don't bother calling me up....I get faint from tension just playing
  123. Paintball :)
  124.  
  125. But, seriously...I CAN wait until Dec 10 to play DOOM but it's
  126. getting pretty tense doing the waiting game. I guess in the mean time I can
  127. go pick up some Depends (adult diapers) and some I.V. supplies so I'll be
  128. prepared on Dec 10 to stay on the computer playing DOOM steadily until I
  129. collapse from exhaustion.
  130. Of course if a copy of Beta-DOOM *DID* happen to make it's way to
  131. me, I would still download the shareware version and register/pay for the
  132. full release.
  133. I swear I would....really...I promise....scout's honor...anyone?..anyone?
  134.  
  135. OK, so sue me, I had to ask. :)
  136.  
  137. P.S. If this game is good as it's suppose to be, I'm gonna name my first
  138. born child "ID".... IDDY?...IDarina?...IDI-Sue?....
  139. ----------
  140.  
  141. [1-3]: Beta-Tester's Joystick Sliced Off While Sleeping at Computer!
  142. ====================================================================
  143. FOREWORD: I received this piece of hilarious E-mail from
  144. John Romero. This was written by Douglas Howell (one of the DOOM
  145. Beta-testers) when id decided to axe the entire Beta-tester list and start
  146. from scratch. Douglas Howell will be reinstated as a Beta-tester, as
  147. soon as his "joystick" heals. :) Let the Bobbitt saga continue!
  148.  
  149. ----------
  150. NEWSFLASH: Beta tester's joystick sliced off while sleeping
  151. at computer!
  152.  
  153. At a news conference today, a beta tester of software said that he had
  154. fallen asleep while testing a game for id Software, developers of the
  155. best-seliing game Wolfenstein 3D. Awaking in the middle of the night,
  156. he looked down and to his horror discovered that three-fourths of his
  157. joystick had been sliced cleanly off. When questioned, id Software
  158. admitted to doing the deed and charged that the beta tester was a
  159. two-timer. Id spokesman Shawn Green stated-- "What was done had to be
  160. done. Id was definitely not satisfied by this guy's performance. All he
  161. cared about was taking software and sticking it into other people's hard
  162. drives!".
  163.  
  164. The severed joystick was later found by police on a street corner.
  165. Apparently id had fled the scene with the sliced piece still in hand and
  166. tossed it out a car window. Surgeons have since sewn the stick back on,
  167. but it seems to malfunction whenever playing id's beta software.
  168. Doctors predict that the joystick should perform normally again by
  169. December 10th.
  170. ----------
  171.  
  172. [1-4]: The Night Before DOOM
  173. ============================
  174.  
  175. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  176. T H E N I G H T B E F O R E *-D-*-*-O-*-*-O-*-*-M-*
  177. Written by: Hank Leukart (ap641@cleveland.freenet.edu)
  178. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  179.  
  180. `Twas the night before DOOM,
  181. and all through the house,
  182. I had set up my multi-playing networks,
  183. each with a mouse.
  184. The networks were strung,
  185. with extra special care
  186. in hopes that DOOM,
  187. soon would be there.
  188. The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
  189. while visions of demons danced through their heads.
  190. And my computer's processor it was so quick,
  191. boy was I glad I bought that 486.
  192. When out on the Internet there was a Usenet posting,
  193. I dialed right in to see what it was boasting.
  194. Off to the news reader I flew like a hound,
  195. "Oh no," I cried! The news reader was down!
  196. Frustrated, bewildered, feeling really low,
  197. I leaned back to see what I heard out the window.
  198. When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
  199. but a group of 6 cars, driving 60 I fear!
  200. With a big young driver, just look at him go!
  201. I knew in a moment, it must be John Romero!
  202. Over the speed limit, his band of cars came,
  203. And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
  204. "Now, Jay! Now, John!
  205. Now, Dave and Kevin!
  206. On, Adrian! On, Sandy!
  207. On, Shawn and Robert!"
  208. To the top of the driveway!
  209. Don't hit that wall!
  210. Now stop your car, stop your car, stop your car all!
  211. Leaving the car, he entered the house,
  212. Walking quietly, so as to not wake the spouse.
  213. He was dressed in a T-shirt, and a a pair of jeans too,
  214. I was unsure of what he was going to do.
  215. Boxes of DOOM he had flung on his back,
  216. and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
  217. Those boxes - how they sparkled! The shrink-wrap so tight!
  218. The character was drawn on the front, just ready to fight!
  219. The Chain Saw and Shotgun he held in his hand,
  220. Where was the BFG9000?: The best gun in the land.
  221. And then I saw it, strapped to his back,
  222. Along with a copy of the "Official" DOOM FAQ!
  223. A wink of John's eye and a twist of his head,
  224. Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
  225. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
  226. Installed it on the network, then turned with a jerk.
  227. And placing a hand into his jeans,
  228. out came his keys - oh how they gleamed!
  229. He sprang to his car, to the id team gave a whistle,
  230. and away they all drove, like DOOM's launching of a missile.
  231. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
  232. "DEMONS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A HELLISH NIGHT!"
  233.  
  234. [1-5]: You know you have been playing DOOM too long when...
  235. ===========================================================
  236.  
  237. DOOM is a great game! But don't let it take over your life! :)
  238. This was written by Philip Verdieck (phil@sonosam.wisdom.bubble.org).
  239.  
  240. You know you have been playing DOOM too long when...
  241.  
  242. ...going to sleep you open the bedroom's door and instead of turning
  243. lights on you fire a missile into the room.
  244.  
  245. ...you sleep with a chainsaw under your pillow,and justify it with 'you
  246. never know what lurks in the dark'.
  247.  
  248. ...going into a room or getting off an elevator, you run in and out
  249. quickly to see what follows you out.
  250.  
  251. ...you don't worry so much about getting hurt, since you'll probably pick
  252. up one of those blue spheres somewhere.
  253.  
  254. ...watching someone come out of an elevator makes your mouse finger twitch.
  255.  
  256. ...the dog growls and you dive over the couch while
  257. reaching for a shotgun.
  258.  
  259. ...you start side-stepping into rooms.
  260.  
  261. ...you push on a wall as you walk down the hall looking for secret
  262. entrances.
  263.  
  264. ...you rush for a neon-blue down vest in K-Mart.
  265.  
  266. ...you reach for your chainsaw when your wife's cold
  267. gives her the sniffles.
  268.  
  269. ...you search for a radiation suit before going into
  270. a swimming pool.
  271.  
  272. ...you instinctively target trash cans while walking
  273. around campus/work.
  274.  
  275. ...you look for sniper spots above you when getting in an elevator.
  276.  
  277. ...you can't stop squinting as you walk around your house.
  278.  
  279. ...you think you can actually walk through walls.
  280.  
  281. ...you start making chainsaw noises if you hear a strange noise.
  282.  
  283. ...you wish you had a chainsaw, just in case.
  284.  
  285. ...you buy a radiation suit and Infra-red goggles, just in case.
  286.  
  287. [1-6]: DOOM: Opening a door to hell
  288. ===================================
  289.  
  290. Written by: Charlie Ray (exuchar@exu.ericsson.se)
  291.  
  292. DISCLAIMER:
  293.  
  294. Riffing concept borrowed from Mystery Science Theater 3000 which is the
  295. property of Best Brains, Inc, which had nothing to do with this post.
  296. DOOM and its characters are borrowed from id, which also had nothing to do
  297. with this post. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only and
  298. is not intended as a personal attack on Jerry Falwell, Nancy Reagan, Ted
  299. Kennedy or Mr. Ed (well, maybe a personal attack against Jerry Falwell).
  300. Floss daily. Always look both ways before crossing the street.
  301.  
  302. With all due respect and apologies to id and Mystery Science
  303. Theater 3000, I humbly present the following.
  304.  
  305.  
  306. SCENE: The Shores of Hell, Command Center, the Marine is engaged in a
  307. rocket battle with a Baron of Hell when an imp runs in carrying
  308. a piece of paper.
  309.  
  310. Imp: Hey you guys, cool it. You've got to see this.
  311.  
  312. [Marine and Baron stop shooting and walk over to the imp]
  313.  
  314. Baron: What do you want.
  315. Marine: This better be good.
  316. Imp: Bite me. Just read this.
  317.  
  318. > From: An innocent DOOM player
  319. > Subject: Doom : Opening a Door to Hell
  320. > Date: Tue, 15 Mar 1994 09:54:26 GMT
  321.  
  322. > This is a warning to all players of the game DOOM! I played the game one
  323. > Friday night
  324.  
  325. Imp: Just one?
  326. Marine: What great self control.
  327. Baron: What a great self abuser is more like it.
  328.  
  329. > recently and after playing for approximately 15 minutes I was attacked by
  330. > demons.
  331.  
  332. Marine: You played for 15 minutes before you were attacked by a demon!!??
  333. What level where you playing on... please don't hurt me I'm a wuss??
  334. Baron: Pretty much.
  335.  
  336. > And I don't mean the demons in the game; I'm talking about angels of Satan.
  337.  
  338. Marine: ..the hell?? Angels of Satan?? Isn't that kind of like good
  339. samaritans of the IRS?
  340. Imp: Is he talking about us?
  341. Baron: Bite me, I'm nobody's angel.
  342.  
  343. > DOOM is a virtual reality game, like Wolf 3-D, and is capable of drawing
  344. > people in and holding them captive; thus making them very susceptible to
  345. > the kind of attack I experienced on Friday night.
  346.  
  347. Marine: I think cheap booze makes people susceptible to the kind of attack
  348. you experienced.
  349. Imp: Yeah, that Mad Dog will have you seeing "Angels of Satan" in no time.
  350.  
  351. > To those of you taking this warning seriously;
  352.  
  353. Baron: Both of you.
  354.  
  355. > watch out for attacks by the following demons :
  356.  
  357. Baron: Jerry Falwell
  358. Marine: Nancy Reagan
  359. Imp: Ted Kennedy
  360. Baron: Mr. Ed
  361. I&M: Huh!!??
  362. Baron: Well I'm sorry, but I always thought there was something a little
  363. evil about a talking horse.
  364.  
  365. > Fear, Addiction, Aggression, and Frustration. These are the ones that
  366. > attacked me.
  367.  
  368. Imp: War, pestilence, famine and death merely stood by and egged them on.
  369.  
  370. > My advice is this : ERASE THESE GAMES NOW!!!!
  371.  
  372. Marine: My advice is : You should really just relax.
  373.  
  374. > A further warning;
  375.  
  376. Baron: Always remember to wear clean underwear in case you're ever
  377. attacked by a spectre.
  378. Imp: Never stand beside a barrel when engaged in a duel with 20
  379. former sergeants.
  380.  
  381. > from episode two upwards, take a look at the walls and the
  382. > floors where you walk.
  383.  
  384. Marine: <tour guide voice> If you'll look to your left you'll see the stains
  385. left from when I toasted three spectres with just a chainsaw and 15%
  386. health. And up ahead we have the famous room of lost souls where I
  387. once...
  388. Baron: Shut up.
  389.  
  390. > Notice anything;
  391.  
  392. Marine: Dead bodies.
  393. Imp: Blood.
  394. Baron: Ammunition.
  395. Marine: Acid pools.
  396. Baron: Small pieces of bread.
  397.  
  398. > pentagrams, goats heads and other satanic symbols. The game is full of them!
  399.  
  400. Baron: You say that like it's a bad thing.
  401.  
  402. > That's all I have to say; please take it seriously!
  403.  
  404. > --An innocent DOOM player
  405.  
  406. Imp: There's something I don't understand about this rant. If he
  407. only played for 15 minutes how did he know about all of the stuff
  408. from episode two upwards?
  409. Marine: Well, he never actually said he stopped playing after 15 minutes;
  410. just that he was attacked by demons after 15 minutes.
  411. Baron: Yeah, maybe he was so deep into the game he was able to shut out
  412. all the distractions.
  413. Imp: Okay, it's a stretch, but it's some sort of explanation.
  414. However, explain for me, if you can, why he even bothered to
  415. start the game if he's so upset by demonic symbols. It's obvious
  416. from the readme file...
  417. Baron: Like anyone that clueless is going to check the readme file.
  418. Imp: ..or the FAQ...
  419. Marine: Ditto.
  420. Imp: ..that the game is full of demons, lost souls, barons of hell and
  421. other minions of the deep.
  422. Marine: Not to mention the fact the episodes are titled "Knee-deep in the
  423. Dead", "The Shores of Hell" and "Inferno".
  424. Baron: And the title screen has several images of less than pleasant things.
  425. Imp: Exactly. If you haven't figured out by the time you start the
  426. game that it's not for the faint of heart then you're really too
  427. stupid to live.
  428. Baron: Pretty much.
  429. Marine: You know, there's another possible explanation to this post.
  430. Baron: And what pray tell might that be?
  431. Marine: It could be a staged protest in order to create controversy over
  432. the game which would lead to more publicity.
  433. Imp: You mean like when Reverend Wildmon picketed against "The Last
  434. Temptation of Christ"...
  435. Baron: ...or the death threats against Salman Rushdie.
  436. Marine: Exactly. By telling people that they shouldn't do something you
  437. immediately perk up their interest in doing that thing.
  438. Baron: But, all of the cool people already know that Doom is the hottest
  439. thing going.
  440. Marine: Yes, but when the commercial version comes out there will be a
  441. whole bunch of people going into the local software store trying
  442. to decide between "Leisure Suit Larry XXVII" and "Yet Even More
  443. Obnoxious Lemmings". If they haven't heard of Doom they probably
  444. won't buy it.
  445. Imp: Good point. We should encourage the unwashed masses to buy
  446. Doom so the guys at id will make buckets of money and be
  447. encouraged to continue writing games.
  448. Marine: Precisely.
  449. Baron: Well, thanks for the info.
  450. Imp: No problem. [imp leaves the room]
  451.  
  452. Baron: You realize of course I'm going to have to kill you now.
  453. Marine: Bite me, big boy.
  454.  
  455. [Marine fires rocket, all hell breaks loose again, fade to black, screams
  456. in the background.]
  457.  
  458. --------------------------
  459. CHAPTER [2]: Top Ten Lists
  460. --------------------------
  461.  
  462. Here, humorous top ten lists regarding DOOM are written.
  463. Actually, this is a lie. Some of the lists have more than ten things.
  464. However, for the sake of simplicity, I call them top ten lists.
  465.  
  466. [2-1]: Top Ten Things to Do While Waiting for DOOM
  467. ==================================================
  468. FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone
  469. using the name "Wolkonsky" on August 27, 1993.
  470.  
  471. ----------
  472. Well, here we are waiting another 2-3 months [for DOOM]. What else
  473. can we do?
  474.  
  475. 1) Search the Internet for Beta Version.
  476. 2) See if we can go through Wolfenstein 3-D with our eyes closed.
  477. 3) Use MapEdit/WolfEdit to make Wolfenstein 3-D "look like" DOOM.
  478. 4) Find out where the id "lab" is and "encourage" them.
  479. 5) Watch the new 90210 episode!
  480. 6) See if Blake Stone or Rampage will be any good.
  481. 7) Upload the Lemmings Demo as "DOOM10.ZIP" and see what happens.
  482. 8) Get girlfriends and drop them on 12/10/93, unless they like DOOM and
  483. have a computer with a modem.
  484. 9) Or lastly, look at DOOM slides and "pretend" we are playing.
  485. ----------
  486.  
  487. [2-2]: Top Ten Things To Do Until DOOM Arrives
  488. ==============================================
  489. FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone
  490. using the name "ScottBro" on October 7, 1993.
  491.  
  492. ----------
  493. Top 10 Things To Do
  494. Until DOOM arrives
  495.  
  496. 10. Get a marker and change boxes of George Lucas's "LOOM" to "DOOM" to
  497. confuse over-anxious gamers.
  498. 9. Issue bogus press release from the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientist,
  499. saying the DOOMsday clock will strike midnight sometime before
  500. September 30, 1993.
  501. 8. Get a date with someone from L7.
  502. 7. When feeling depressed due to the wait, chant the B.J. Blaskowitz mantra,
  503. "This is my rifle, This is my gun,
  504. This is for killing, this is for fun.
  505. 6. Memorize the July Computer Gaming World, pages 104-5, preview of DOOM.
  506. 5. Get network and sound card installed on all systems at the office.
  507. 4. Make DOOM acronyms, like
  508. "Dantes Obsessive Outrageous Marauders"
  509. 3. Tell boss I'll need two weeks vacation on very short notice during the
  510. third quarter, due to pending family crisis.
  511. 2. Figure a way to persuade Id to allow imports of faces on monsters, so
  512. we can make creatures like the:
  513. Sunnunu Bloated Beast, the Michael Bolton Shrieker, and the Ex-Wife
  514. from Hell, where she belongs.
  515. 1. Try and make friends with the Big Blue guys from Wolfie;
  516. We might need help this time.
  517. ----------
  518.  
  519. [2-3]: Top Ten Things Being Removed From DOOM During Delay
  520. ==========================================================
  521. FOREWORD: This was posted on America Online, by someone
  522. using the name "Wolkonsky" on August 31, 1993.
  523.  
  524. ----------
  525. The DOOM Delay of `93 might be worse than we first thought! Here is
  526. a list of things that I heard were being taken out of DOOM.
  527.  
  528. 1) Socks the Cat
  529. 2) Cameo by the Mario Brothers (you thought the Pac-Man Ghosts were bad)
  530. 3) The "Shawngreen" monster in level 3 (too scary, it went around screaming
  531. "Its not done yet! Not yet!")
  532. 4) Cindy Crawford workout in level 4
  533. 5) Vanilla Ice-Amy Grant theme song
  534. 6) "Fun with Barney" puzzle in level 2
  535. 7) Pin Up GIF of Sally Struthers.
  536. 8) "John 3:15" : various locations
  537. 9) "Bulges" in monsters groin area
  538. AND FINALLY,
  539. 10) The Bathroom Scenes.
  540. ----------
  541.  
  542. [2-4]: Top Ten Reasons DOOM Was Delayed
  543. =======================================
  544. FOREWORD: This was posted by an unknown source at an unknown
  545. location, on September 21, 1993. If you know who the writer is, please
  546. send me some E-mail so I can give appropriate credit.
  547.  
  548. ----------
  549. The following is intended to be humorous, with no ill intent
  550. whatsoever. I hope everyone takes it in the spirit it is given. ;)
  551.  
  552. DAVE: "I have in my hand here tonight's Top 10 List from the
  553. home office in Sioux City, Iowa. Actually, it's a Top 15."
  554.  
  555. (show the special graphics)
  556.  
  557. DAVE: "Them special effects is fantastic!" (grin) "Tonight's category is:
  558. Top 15 reasons DOOM's release was delayed to December 10th. Here we
  559. go..."
  560.  
  561. 15. Added near death sequence when player is shot full of holes.
  562.  
  563. 14. Added networking capability via spaghetti noodles.
  564.  
  565. 13. "If Origin can do it, so can we."
  566.  
  567. 12. They want to ensure it won't run under Windows.
  568.  
  569. 11. Currently using DOOM as negotiating tool to get Ukraine to give up nukes.
  570.  
  571. 10. Fighting lawsuit from Apogee claiming DOOM is their 'intellectual
  572. property'. (for those Letterman fans)
  573.  
  574. 9. They want to increase fourth quarter earnings.
  575.  
  576. 8. The bosses wife wants to 'redecorate' the levels.
  577.  
  578. 7. They want to make a politically correct version.
  579.  
  580. 6. id aspires to be the next Microsoft.
  581.  
  582. 5. NASA lost the source code.
  583.  
  584. 4. Bill's waiting for Hillary's permission to release game. (oops,
  585. sorry, that's the Health Care Reform Package)
  586.  
  587. 3. John's dog ate his computer.
  588.  
  589. 2. Ran out of bug spray.
  590.  
  591. DAVE: "And the number one reason DOOM's release was delayed..."
  592.  
  593. 1. They want the game's release to be just in time for Christmas shopping.
  594. ----------
  595.  
  596. [2-3]: Top Twenty Comments Made After DOOM's Release
  597. ====================================================
  598. FOREWORD: This dream was posted by Michael Pemberton on Usenet in
  599. the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Saturday, December 11, 1993.
  600.  
  601. ----------
  602. For those of you who just don't have the time to read the voluminous
  603. number of postings which are destined to appear about DOOM over the next two
  604. weeks or so, I offer the following list which should summarize the gist of
  605. those postings. Out of courtesy to others, I suggest that posters review
  606. this list, include the appropriate number in their subject headers, and allow
  607. others to select the postings they wish to read with some foreknowledge of
  608. their contents.
  609.  
  610. Those who wish to add to this list may do so; if interest continues, I will
  611. post updated versions for the convenience of all.
  612.  
  613. 1) DOOM is the greatest, bitchenest, most radical game of all time. I
  614. loved it. I've played it for forty hours non-stop, only stopping for
  615. periodic caffeine breaks, and I plan to play it for at least forty hours
  616. more before collapsing into a quivering mass of protoplasm. Go DOOM! Go
  617. DOOM! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  618.  
  619. 2) DOOM sucks! Heehh-heeeh. Heehhh-heeeeh. Heehh-heeh.
  620.  
  621. 3) Hey, ID! When you said that you were going to get DOOM out on the
  622. 10th, everyone thought that meant it would show up on sites at 12:01 AM.
  623. If you knew there was going to be a delay, why didn't you have the courtesy
  624. to tell us?
  625.  
  626. 4) When is DOOM II coming out?
  627.  
  628. 5) What's DOOM?
  629.  
  630. 6) Everyone's talking about this DOOM thing, but I can't find it on my
  631. site anywhere. I even tried the 127.0.0.1 site that someone recommended,
  632. but it's not there either. What gives?
  633.  
  634. 7) When I tried running DOOM on my IBM XT, it wouldn't play. Is this a
  635. bug?
  636.  
  637. 8) DOOM's not so hot because [choose one]: (a) The graphics are too dark,
  638. (b) it's too slow on my AT, (c) it's too fast on my Pentium/66, (d) it's
  639. too bloody and violent, (e) it's not bloody and violent enough, (f) it's
  640. too hard to set up, (g) it takes too much memory to run, (h) there should
  641. be a lot more weapons available early in the game, (i) Duke Nukem II is a
  642. lot more fun.
  643.  
  644. 9) Compared to DOOM, Blake Stone is a wimpy piece of crap.
  645.  
  646. 10) Compared to Blake Stone; DOOM is a wimpy piece of crap.
  647.  
  648. 11) Anyone wonder how much money ID is going to make off this game?
  649.  
  650. 12) What's the big deal? DOOM is just a rehash of Wolfenstein, and I got
  651. tired of playing that weeks ago.
  652.  
  653. 13) Hey, I played DOOM for about 80 hours over the last couple of weeks
  654. and I'm giving copies of it to all my relatives for Christmas, but I'm not
  655. going to BUY it from ID because [choose one]: (a) ID's making too much
  656. money anyway, (b) forty dollars is way out of line for a game like this,
  657. (c) I couldn't figure out how to get into that area with the blue face, and
  658. I don't think games should be this hard, (d) what good is a game you can
  659. only play for a few hundred hours?, (e) I can get it from that computer
  660. geek down the hall for free anyway.
  661.  
  662. 14) Would someone post a map showing all the secret areas in DOOM?
  663.  
  664. 15) Would someone uuencode DOOM and post it here?
  665.  
  666. 16) Where are the rockets, chainguns, armor enhancers, medkits, ammo
  667. boxes, [you name it] in the [name an area]?
  668.  
  669. 17) What are the cheat keys for the shareware version of DOOM?
  670.  
  671. 18) What do you mean there are no cheat keys for the shareware version of
  672. DOOM? I think that ID shows a real lack of respect for its potential
  673. customers by taking out the shareware cheat keys.
  674.  
  675. 19) DOOM was way overhyped.
  676.  
  677. 20) DOOM lived up to its publicity and our expectations.
  678.  
  679. 21) There I was, playing DOOM, and suddenly I was dropped out of the game
  680. with an "Out of hunk" error. What sloppy programming!
  681.  
  682. 22) Shame on ID for releasing a game that is still so full of bugs (even
  683. though I haven't found any yet)! They're as bad as Origin!
  684.  
  685. 23) A hearty thanks to Hank Leukart, Jay Wilbur, and everyone else at ID
  686. for being so supportive and tolerant of sometimes-whiney, sometimes-
  687. impatient, but almost always appreciative gameplayers (like me) who love to
  688. see excellent games like this one succeed.
  689. ----------
  690.  
  691. ------------------------
  692. CHAPTER [3]: DOOM R.E.M.
  693. ------------------------
  694.  
  695. David Reeve Sward suggested that I add a section in the FAQ
  696. for people who have been dreaming about DOOM while sleeping. I told him
  697. it was crazy until three people posted messages about having "DOOM Dreams."
  698. Here they are, pixelated and all!
  699.  
  700. [3-1]: Pixelated Demons
  701. =======================
  702. FOREWORD: This dream was posted by David Reeve Sward on Usenet in
  703. the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993.
  704.  
  705. ----------
  706. A few days ago I awoke in the middle of a dream about DOOM...! I was
  707. firing the shotgun at a pixelated (yes, my dream was pixelated) demon
  708. when my alarm clock went off (well, it turned the radio on :). Haven't
  709. seen any alpha or beta version, only the screen shots. Time to schedule
  710. an appointment with a local shrink...
  711.  
  712. I can't imagine what shape I'll be in once the game is actually released :).
  713. ----------
  714.  
  715. [3-2]: The Mythical Beta Releases
  716. =================================
  717. FOREWORD: This dream was posted by Christopher Johnson on Usenet in
  718. the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday, November 2, 1993.
  719.  
  720. ----------
  721. Strange enough, I had a dream about DOOM last evening, too. I dreamt that I
  722. had found the mythical beta release version lying around on a FTP site,
  723. downloaded it, and actually got to play it before anyone else. Now, I know
  724. I could just do this anyways, but I have too many morals.
  725. What are you doing to us, Jay, now we're DREAMING about getting
  726. DOOM... SIGH..
  727. ---------
  728.  
  729. [3-3]: You Don't Take Mastercard?!
  730. ==================================
  731. FOREWORD: This dream was posted from szwells@hamlet.ucdavis.edu
  732. on Usenet in the group comp.sys.ibm.pc.games.action on Tuesday,
  733. November 2, 1993.
  734.  
  735. ----------
  736. While you all were dreaming, I was having some serious nightmares.
  737. DOOM was released early and I went down to buy it ASAP. When I opened my
  738. wallet, it was empty. And they wouldn't accept credit or personal checks...
  739. I spent the rest of the night trying to scrounge up the cash to buy it.
  740. It was not a pretty sight!
  741. ----------
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