Pesky Weeds

	“Hey, Adam. I think there’s an unwanted guest in your garden. Again.”
	Lloyd was walking into the living room while saying this. He looked like the quintessential businessman, minus a black suit. Still, his dress shirt, tie, and briefcase stood in stark contrast to his housemate and best friend, who was currently reclining on a couch reading magazines, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and track pants.
	“Another raccoon?”
	“Bigger.”
	“The neighbor’s dogs?”
	“Bigger.”
	“A deer?”
	“More feminine.”
	“A doe.”
	“For fuck’s sake Adam, just go outside and handle it.” Lloyd said with a deadpan demeanor. “Oh, and have a good day.”
	After Lloyd hastily exited, Adam slowly got up from his couch, did a bit of stretching, and then finally began walking to the front door. Along the way, he smirked, shook his head slightly, and muttered something about Lloyd’s blood pressure. Lloyd was a good guy; knew his way around money and taxes and all that math stuff, even helped Adam with all that. But he was way too high-strung sometimes.
Adam went around back and found that the fence he put up after that one raccoon incident had been torn down. It also appeared that something had unearthed some of his plants and made a general mess of things. A short “hmm” was all the reply he had to this vandalism; his face maintaining complete neutrality while he surveyed the damage.
	More importantly, however, was the massive plant that seemed to have sprouted in the middle of his garden. It looked like someone took the head of a dandelion and made it the size of a kid’s pool. The green stem gave way to yellow petals all around it, and at the center was something in the shape of a human woman. Then it moved, so Adam revised his previous observation: this thing is actually a woman, probably some sort of dandelion alraune. Her hair was white and down to her back, just long enough to protect her modesty. Her skin a shade of dark green, and her body from the waist down was submerged in what Adam could only assume was nectar. Every now and then, bees, small birds, and butterflies flitted around her, trying to drink the nectar her stem held.
After a brief moment of staring at each other, the alraune began to speak.
	“Um. Hi. I. Is this your garden? The soil’s very nice.”
	“I suppose so. The compost must be doing its job then.”
	“Okay. Um. Well, I didn’t damage anything important did I?”
	“I was growing ten potatoes, now I guess I’m only growing five.”
	“Oh dear. Look, I’m really sorry. H-how much do I owe you? Do you want me to leave?”
	“Huh? I don’t know. Just help me fix the fence so pests don’t get in. Here, hold this.”
	Adam began lifting fence posts from the ground and placing them into the alraune’s hands. After taking stock of the ones he could salvage, he went further back into a shed and emerged with more posts, a sledgehammer, and wire mesh. He had a look of passivity, perhaps even boredom, while the alraune fluctuated between perplexed and terrified. When Adam approached, she shrunk back slightly into her stem.
	“Hey, mister. Aren’t you angry? Aren’t I a pest too?”
	Adam shrugged, maintaining his stoic visage while driving fence posts into the ground with his sledgehammer. A somewhat crude method, but otherwise effective. “Eh. I don’t see a reason to be angry. You found a good place to settle down which just happened to be my garden, and you didn’t do any lasting damage. And you don’t seem to have any malice. And I don’t really get angry to begin with. Lloyd says it’s a bad habit of mine, but he’s so high-strung all the time. Seems like a miserable existence to me. Oh sorry, Lloyd’s my housemate, we split the rent on this house together.”
	“Oh, the guy I saw earlier. Well, I’m Florentia. Um, junior. Trite name, I know, but I guess my mother wanted to share the pain of having such a name. Wait. You haven’t introduced yourself yet.”
	“Huh. Guess I haven’t. Name’s Adam. And can you pass me another fence post?”
	The two of them made small talk as Adam continued to repair the fence. Adam told Florentia about his job as a park maintenance worker while she told him about her life in the forest she was raised in. The alraune occasionally tried to help place fence posts or wiring, but her immobility only resulted in nectar spilling onto the garden. Adam didn’t seem to mind though. The fence was repaired around late afternoon. Feeling hungry, Adam decided to go inside and make a sandwich. Realizing that Florentia might be hungry too, he decided to make some more and had an impromptu picnic in his backyard garden.
	While Florentia appreciated the gesture, she initially turned down his gift. After being asked why, she tried to clarify her physiology. After a few false starts, she began to speak in the most diplomatic manner possible. “I like the food and all, but I don’t think it helps me. I mean, I’ve eaten stuff before, but it all just seeps out of my roots. So please don’t feel compelled to waste food on me.”
	“So you photosynthesize then? I think I read something about that in a book once.”
	“Yes.”
	Adam shrugged and took another sandwich from the plate he brought out.
	“Alright, more for me then.”
	“Following that, I don’t mean to be rude or impose or anything, but this soil is a bit…lacking.”
	“In what?”
	“I’m not sure what you humans call it. I think there was a fancy scientific term for it, mother said it at some point. Um, it’s what grows on roots of some plants, I think.”
	“Oh, ammonium, maybe? Hmm. That could be a problem, I think I have some pea pods around somewhere. I’ll go get them.”
	“Yes, I think mother told me peas would help fill the soil with whatever you said. But I thought you humans had some way of extracting it or refining it or something? Can’t you just use that?”
	“Fertilizer? I’m out of it and I don’t want to drive to the gardening store on my day off. Plus I’m lazy and the peas will do my job for me.”
	The rest of the afternoon was spent planting peas in the garden. Thankfully, Florentia’s move-in had unearthed enough to make it rather easy. Adam planted peas wherever he could, with little sense of organization or order. He had enough of that in the parks, the reason he began gardening in the first place was so he could plant what he wanted where he wanted it. By the time he was done, the sun was starting to go down. The air was getting cooler as the sky turned orange, but it was still humid and filled with the incessant droning of cicadas.
	Florentia yawned and sleepily said, “Well, that was an interesting day. But, not necessarily a bad one.”
	“No problem, but you’re sleepy already?”
	Florentia nodded. “Photosynthetic, remember. No reason for me to be active at night. I think I should get to sleep soon.”
	"Alright, good night neighbor.”
	Just as Florentia’s petals were beginning to close in, they abruptly stopped, and she popped up again.
	“Neighbor?”
	“Well, I suppose you’re technically on our property, but I can’t think of any other way to put it. Housemate sounds wrong because you don’t live in our house, so neighbor is the best I could come up with. Anyways, you’ve been good help today, so I wouldn’t mind if you stuck around.”
	“Really? Um. I still feel bad about squatting here, and doing everything I did earlier. Are you really sure you want me here after everything?”
	“Well, if you’re gonna be like that then I guess I have to make you pay back those five potatoes, my fence, and something like a rent. So about this job? You monitor the garden. Keep pests out, the neighborhood dogs love tearing up this place. And keep my plants healthy. The stuff you did today more or less. Are those terms suitable for you?”
	“All this for five potatoes and a rickety wooden fence and a rent? Your money skills are terrible. It’s hardly an equal trade for me.” The alraune said teasingly.
	“And now you’re starting to sound like Lloyd, or my parents. I only need three people in my life scolding my financial abilities, thank you.”
	Florentia giggled. “Well, maybe a fourth one will help you improve. Anyways, I suppose that works, I do owe you a lot now don’t I?”
	Florentia yawned again and her eyes began to droop.
	“Okay, it’s getting far too late. See you tomorrow, and thanks for letting me stay.”
And with that, Florentia’s petals moved upwards and closed around her and she curled up inside her stem. Within seconds, Adam could hear light snoring coming from inside the flower that became the centerpiece of his garden. After saying good night, he walked inside the house and plopped down onto the couch again.


	“I’m back!” Lloyd shouted as he entered the house. “Oh, good, you’re still here. So did you take care of the problem?”
	Adam lowered his magazine. “Yep.”
	Lloyd sat down on a recliner next to the couch and began to untie his shoes. “Well, you’re still alive and apparently not raped, so I’ve got to hear how you did it.”
	“Florentia, that is, the alraune in my garden. I let her stay.”
	Lloyd’s eyes widened slightly and continued to stay widened while he stared at Adam. “You let her stay?”
	“Yep.”
	Lloyd sighed and began rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “I should’ve known you would do something like this. Adam, I trust you and all but you can’t let every living being on the face of the planet crash at our house.”
	“It’s not that bad. I’ve only done it a couple times.”
	“Like that time you smuggled a stray dog into our dorm room? Or when you let a drunk girl you found at a bar stay over, despite not knowing her? And then subsequently letting her stay an entire day before her parents picked her up? Or that time when you let homeless guy stay in our house for a week?”
	“I wasn’t going to just leave them out to dry.”
	“Adam, there’s a fine between helping people and letting them leech off you. This is going to sound cold-hearted, and I know I’ve said this before, and I know you’ve always ignored me whenever I say this spiel, but I’m hoping this breaks through to you this time.”
	“Oh boy, here we go again…”
	“We live in a region with a high cost of living. The fact that we can rent a house here is a miracle in of itself. We don’t have the money to spend on frivolities, such as entertaining squatters who cut into our resources. Look, Adam, I was raised to always put hospitality above all else, just like you. But, do you remember that homeless guy? Please remember that the only reason we didn’t go in the red was because we had to eat half our normal intake for three weeks after he left. Do you want to go through that again?”
	“That shouldn’t matter, she’s an alraune. They photosynthesize and she’s rooted into the garden to begin with. In other words, no food. No accommodation costs.”
	“So what about the winter?”
	“Well, if I remember my biology lectures correctly, they either find a cave to go dormant in or, barring that, dig further into the ground and hibernate. Look, Lloyd, I’ve asked her to help me tend the garden, so she isn’t just freeloading. She doesn’t seem like a bad person.”
	“Okay, so what if she decides to stay in our house? I know you’re still going to cook for her. Hell, I would too, for the sake of hospitality. I did get a raise, but not nearly enough to support three people in the winter. The summer, sure, since we have your garden; but definitely not the winter. And to be quite honest, I’m getting tired of having to ration all our damned food during the cold seasons.”
“Okay, okay, I get it. But look, it’s not gonna get that bad. I used my savings money to buy some pots this year and planted them so that they mature in winter. That should alleviate some of our food problems. And alraunes are absolutely great for soil revivification projects. I read in the Journal of Agricultural Ecology that their mere presence caused a 20% increase in production in the breadbasket regions. We let her stay, we spend less on food. So if you’re in your Machiavellian mood at the moment, which I know you are, then you can at worst think of her as an investment.”
	After standing up and pacing back and forth, Lloyd finally spoke. “Hmm. Ok. I’ll give her a chance, perhaps her first impression just soured my view of her. A random stranger barging into and destroying your best friend’s passion project and one of your own food sources can make a person biased, I suppose. Still not keen on her, but I shouldn’t let my prejudices blind me.”
	“Well, that resolved itself rather well, I think.” Adam stood up. “Come on, help me make dinner, I’m thinking some spaghetti for tonight.”
	“Can’t say no to that.”


	The two men walked into the kitchen, where everything was a uniform sterile white. It was kept meticulously clean, mostly due to Lloyd’s obsession with cleanliness and paranoia about foodborne disease. While the two were cooking, they made small talk, reminiscing about their days in college, taking jabs at each other and complaining about their work.
	“So, anyways, management decided to make up a newfangled evaluation system to determine who gets raises, right?” Lloyd quipped. “I mean, they went the full mile and then some. Hired statisticians and every type of social scientist to vet this thing about a month ago.”
	“Oh, so that social science research class you took on a whim senior year actually payed off?”
	“Hell yeah. To management, I’m just a lowly accountant. There’s no way I could possibly understand all that jargon. So get this, I walk up to one of the eggheads and offer to copy the instructions and stuff so I can distribute it to the department heads, right? They, being outsourced labor and probably overworked from making this thing just hand it to me without even checking protocol.”
	“Wow, that’s stupid.”
	“I know. The coffee I offered them probably helped too. So I of course make the copies, including one for myself. I played my part, got scolded for breaking protocol but rewarded for taking initiative to be management’s slave and all. And so I’ve been studying it in my free time for the past month or so, which I suppose is the reason why I’ve been so abrasive recently.”
	“Well, that explains the increased scolding. Moving on, that Anubis you’re always complaining about. How did she react to all this?”
	“Oh, believe me, when she found out that I was the top scorer of the accounting department, she. Was. Fuming. Like, puffed out cheeks and red face and trembling and everything. Couldn’t believe that I in my ‘laziness’ as she called it could beat honest, hard, correct, work.”
	“Why do things correctly when you could do things efficiently?”
	“That’s the one thing we can agree on, Adam. Anyways, she got even angrier when we found out that I would be earning more than her from now on. I of course did the whole humble ‘just doing my job’ bit and offered to pay for people’s dinner with my new raise money. I’ll admit, I crossed the line a bit by asking her personally out to dinner in front of everyone.”
	“Rubbing it in her face? Yeah, that’s cruel and childish. Her ego already took one hell of a beating.”
	“But trust me, this saga is gonna get even better.”
	“Oh?”
	“So now, my supervisor wants me to deliver a seminar-speech thing for the department so we can score better next time. I intend to title it: ‘The Virtue of Laziness.’”
	“Good God man, she’ll blow up if she has to sit through that.”
	“Hey, I figure that if I don’t make eye contact, HR can’t pin anything on me.”
	“Well, let’s hope you’re right. Remember, if you lose your job, we’re both living in cardboard boxes.”
	Dinner passed by uneventfully, with only the occasional quip or joke being passed between the two friends. There were also brief moments where they discussed various parts of alraune and Anubis physiology and anatomy.


	The days went by uneventfully, with Adam tending to the garden in his off time and making small talk with Florentia. He eventually started loaning her books and magazines of all sorts, which resulted in him spending one of his free days building waterproof containers for her to hold her possessions in. It was originally meant to hold just books, but over time it began to be filled with notebooks, hats, bug nets, emergency fertilizer, and even a phone and small solar charger. Adam had to pay for all this, but the increased productivity of his garden more than compensated.
	One day, Adam was walking into his garden when he saw Florentia talking to a bee-girl. She seemed short and childlike, only reaching to tip of Florentia’s petals and probably Adam’s waist. She was bouncing on her two feet while effortlessly holding multiple shopping bags on her four arms, her wings buzzing constantly.
	“Here you go, Flory. That’s all I was told to give to you. Now you’re going to keep your promise right?”
	“Of course, now hand me those jars.” Florentia took a jar from the bee’s hands and dipped them into her flower, filling it with nectar. She then sealed it and handed it over to a wide-eyed and drooling little worker bee. “Remember, if you eat too much, you won’t be able to fly and your sisters will get mad at you, alright?”
	“Uh huh, uh huh. You have more right?”
	“Yes yes. Oh Adam, good timing, can you help me fill this jars for our little friend here? The last time she tried to do it herself, she ended up falling into my basin and didn’t want to leave.”
	“Sure, and she is?” Adam said as he took a jar that the worker impatiently shoved into his hands before leaning down into Florentia’s flower and scooping up some nectar.
	Before Florentia could answer, the bee-girl snapped to attention and with a chipper voice responded, “W-5-41!”
	Adam paused momentarily, staring at the bee who was still saluting and looking proud. He looked over to Florentia, who sighed before saying, “The beefolk live in immense colonies where all the offspring are birthed in vast quantities by one queen. As you can imagine, unless a bee is of some importance, she probably won’t have an actual name. I just call her Willow.”
	Adam nodded and continued to work. “Okay then. I suppose I can see that. But is she happy with either of her names?”
	Willow enthusiastically nodded. “I like my numbers because I can tell who my brood sisters are. Worker-Fifth Breeding Year-Number 41! But I like Willow too. It’s like I’m a queen.”
	“Well, I suppose that answers one question, but Florentia, what is all this stuff?”
	“Oh, I actually used the cell phone you gave me to contact a hive I knew in the forest. I thought that since you gave me so much stuff, I should give some to you too. I had Willow do a quick run to the grocery store and bring some stuff from the forest too. Hahaha. I guess some of the stuff is mine too.”
	Willow beamed before digging through the bags she brought. “Yep yep, I got lots of stuff. Flory here asked for some of our honey and I think some meat and some fish and wild herbs and other stuff we keep in the storerooms. The queen also gave me a list of pictures of stuff I needed to buy at the store. She even gave me a little card thingy and I didn’t have to give the cashier money. I wanted to sneak in some candy, but she told me that I should only buy the things on the list.”
	“Well, she’s awfully open.” Adam stated bluntly.
	“Believe me, most of the workers are like that. And Willow, I’m fairly certain that card is called a credit card. It’s effectively a promise. That the hive will pay for it later. So please, don’t make a promise you know you can’t keep. And that you know the queen doesn’t want to keep.”
	“Wow, Flory. You learned a lot when you moved here. And when you say that, I guess I shouldn’t. I still want to buy more stuff, but I don’t want the queen yelling at me.”
	“Good girl. As an aside…” Florentia gestured for Adam to move closer while Willow continued rummaging through her bags, unloading her goods and loading jars of nectar. “I suppose it’s obvious, but the worker bees are effectively children. Willow herself might be one of the older ones, but even she’s only about 8. I generally try to be easygoing, but please do be careful what you say and do around her. She has the unfortunate situation of being both an impressionable child and an older sibling. If she sees either of us do something, she will copy it, and she will bring it back to the hive. So please try to prevent her from doing or saying anything…reprehensible.”
	“I’ll try not to damage the hive’s social customs, but I can’t promise anything. Lloyd always said I was a bad influence and terrible role model. Verbatim. Multiple times.”
	“Well, you’re gonna have to become a good role model then, aren’t ya?”
	Willow finally looked up from her baggage and shouted, “Hey! What are you two talking about?”
	“Oh, just having a neighborly discussion, Willow.” Florentia responded.
	“About what?”
	“Just making some new rules about what we should do and not do. That’s what you do when you have to live together with someone.”
	“Oh, just like mom and dad do all the time. Dad gets carried away when playing with us, and mom always yells at him for disrupting our work and drags him away while lecturing at him. They’d always work it out and smile at each other in the end, but then mom would drag dad into the bedroom. We used to get scared when they went into their bedroom and there’d be yelling, but then they walk out and be smiling and holding hands. Do you two do that?”
	Florentia simultaneously blushed and laughed. “No no, it’s not like that, Willow. I don’t think we’re as close as your parents. In fact, we haven’t really fought much. Although I can’t say the same for Adam and Lloyd.”
	“Who’s Lloyd?”
	“Oh, Adam’s friend. He lives in the house too. They’ve known each other far longer than I’ve known Adam.”
	“Well, do they do it too, then?”
	“There was that one time we got really drunk in college, but it was just a peck on the lips, I think. I really can’t remember much about that night beyond waking up with my underwear on my head and socks on my hands. The weird part was the socks didn’t belong to either of us.”
	“Adam, remember what I said.”
	“Oh. Urh. I mean. No. We don’t do it. Not like your parents. We’re friends, and both guys, who like girls.”
	“Oh ok. But you said something about drinking. Mom usually takes dad out to drink and they both come home dizzy. Is it really that fun?”
	Florentia grimaced. “You can ask your parents later. When you’re older. Come on, Willow, it’s getting late. You need to get that nectar back before bedtime or your mom’s going to be angry.”
	After seeing Willow off, Florentia scolded Adam for corrupting the youth before helping him divide their newly gotten goods. By the time everything had been moved into the house or stored in Florentia’s containers, it was nighttime. They both said their good nights and went their separate ways.


	One autumn afternoon, Adam was preparing to harvest some of the crops, only to find Florentia’s petals closed up. He could hear light snoring coming from inside the flower, so he lightly tapped the exterior of the flower.
	“Flory, wake up. It’s still daytime.”
	“Mmm. No. Too cold.”
	“It’s only 3 PM. Come on, I need help collecting all this produce.”
	“Not in this weather.”
	After a brief silence, Adam walked back into the house and came back with a winter coat and some hand warmers. After some coaxing, Florentia opened her petals and exposed herself to the cold breeze. She quickly put on the coat Adam gave to her, and shoved heat packs into whatever pockets she could find. The two of them soon settled into a routine, with Adam picking fruits and vegetables and Florentia packing them into plastic boxes. By the time they were finished, it was around 5 PM and the sun was starting to set, painting the landscape a warm orange. Florentia was shivering and hugging herself while Adam looked concerned.
	“Can you really stay out in this weather?”
	“Not for as long as I have, I don’t think. Remember, I’m still a plant by nature, I can’t warm myself up like you can. Ectotherm I think is the right word, that’s what your books said. But hey, anything for a friend right?”
	“What are your plans for the winter? You seem to still have petals, even though all the regular dandelions are already spreading seeds around.”
	Florentia blushed slightly. “Well, I’m not pregnant, so, haha, no need to make seeds yet. And I just planned on digging into the ground for the rest of winter. You wouldn’t mind, would you? Even though it would mess up your garden.”
	“Hey, here’s a better plan. Why don’t you stay with us?”
	“Huh? Really? Is that possible? I mean, I’m a bit…” Florentia gestured down to her flower.
	“Oh that’s fine. This is one of the new development areas, so the houses should be made with universal accessibility in mind. In fact, I think you can even fit in our bath, although it might be a bit tight.”
	“Alright, I’ll take you up on that! Umm. Could you help me, I have to uproot. Just stand there and stay still.”
	Florentia put her hands on Adam’s shoulders and took a deep breath. Pushing down on Adam’s shoulders, she began to pull her roots out of the ground while taking care to not damage the garden. When she was fully uprooted, there was a small crater in the center of the garden. She was balancing on her roots like an octopus and leaning into Adam’s chest.
	While panting, she said, “Sorry, didn’t expect my roots to grow so long. Give me a moment, I’ll be fine soon.” She then sunk further into his chest and muttered, “Although I wouldn’t mind staying like this.”
	There was a brief moment of silence while Adam held the alraune in his arms and his gaze wandered around his backyard. The trees had already shed most of their leaves and the ground was a dizzying array of browns, reds, and oranges. Florentia was the only green thing left. She soon removed herself from his chest and he guided her to the front door, standing by her side in case she fell or tripped.
	“Wait, hold on.” Adam said as they were about to enter the front door.
	“Hmm. Something up?”
	“If I let you walk inside, you’ll track dirt. And I don’t think Lloyd would appreciate it. Stay here a moment, I’ll draw a bath so you can wash up.”
	Adam walked down the hall and turned on the bath. He made sure to make it warmer than usual. When the tub was halfway full, he shut off the faucet and walked back to the entrance. “Alright, now to carry you. This could be hard. Oh hey, you don’t have any nectar?”
	Looking at it, her flower was devoid of nectar, leaving her genitalia exposed. She realized as such at that moment, and moved one hand to cover her modesty.
	“It’s only there for the pollinators, really. No need now that they’re using stockpiled food. In winter, I just store energy in my body instead.” She did seem plumper than normal.
	“Well, that makes this easier. Still not easy though. Hold on tight.”
	“Huh -- Woah!”
	Adam placed his arms on Florentia’s shoulder and the base of her stem before lifting her up. His face turned red from exertion, and Florentia’s face turned red as well. His knees were quivering as he slowly made his way to the bathroom, being careful not to dirty the walls. When he reached the tub, he slowly dropped her in, causing the water to rise from halfway up the walls to full capacity. After exhaling, he plopped down next to the tub and began to instruct Florentia how to use the controls.
	“Alright, so after the water gets too dirty, pull the plug and turn on the shower. It’s almost dinner time, so I’ll make something to welcome you in.”
	“Huh, you not staying? Oh. Alright, I’ll shout if I need help. I’m looking forward to dinner.”


	The month was nearing its end and Adam and Lloyd’s paycheck had yet to arrive. Adam was feeling slightly regretful that he had to treat his guest to end-of-the-month scraps but he had neither the time nor the money to buy groceries. In the end, he decided to make a broth, both to mask the hodgepodge of leftover ingredients he was using and to warm Florentia up. While the broth was boiling, the front door opened. Lloyd walked in with a massive grin on his face. Behind him was a woman slightly shorter than him, although her ears had an inch or two on him. Olive skin and brown eyes, with black hair and wearing a business suit. This was probably the anubis Lloyd was talking about.
	She trailed slightly behind him, taking in the sights, as if her eyes were capable of immolating everything see looked at. Every once in a while she muttered under her breath, criticizing the state of one thing or another and expressing disbelief about something. While Adam felt a bit insulted that a random stranger was insulting his home, Lloyd’s grin and Adam’s sense of hospitality overruled his desire to kick her out. When Lloyd entered the dining room, he began to explain the situation.
	“Evening Adam. This is Hannah. Hannah, this is Adam, my friend. So, after I gave a seminar to our department a few months back, she for whatever reason took an interest in my living conditions. Something about wanting to learn how I came to be or something?”
	“I merely wanted to understand how a bum like you can possibly excel at anything.” The anubis quipped.
	“Ambition, dear Hannah, pure ambition.”
	Adam chimed in, “Yeah that’s essentially it. He’s lazy, lazier than me. He just knows how to recognize opportunities better. The difference between him and me is that he’s responsible enough to get a career with prospects of advancement instead of a dead-end menial labor job.”
	“If I may ask, Adam, was it? What do you do for work?”
	Adam shrugged. “Nothing much, I’m a park laborer. The only advancement I get is to become a supervisor. Most of my days are spent picking up trash and trimming plants really.”
	Hannah looked slightly bewildered, but quickly regained her composure. “I see. Well, honest work is good work, I suppose. There are roles that must be filled and accomplished.”
	“Indeed, I do enjoy my job, dead-end it may be. Anyhow, take a seat, dinner will be ready soon. I’m glad I made extra. Two surprise guests on such short notice. Haha.”
	“Another guest? I assumed you two weren’t social butterflies. Does Mister Adam have a partner?”
	Lloyd chuckled slightly. “Partner? Trust me, we had our fair share of fun at college, enough to be sick of the dating scene for quite some time. Our current trend predicts absolutely zero success for the near future. Unless Adam over here has been making moves on a friendly cute alraune he met over the summer. Say, where is she anyways? I didn’t see her in the garden.”
	“I’m right here Lloyd. It’s been a while since all three of us talked, near the end of summer was the last time I think?” Florentia moved inside the doorframe, her roots extending here and there like tendrils sliding her along. She was still wearing Adam’s coat, although it was zipped up now. She took a seat next to Adam and opposite of Hannah.
“Ah, an anubis? I don’t think we’ve met before. Are you Lloyd’s girlfriend?”
Hannah’s face turned beet red and her eyes looked like they were ready to explode out of her skull; she abruptly stood up and slammed her paws onto the table. She sputtered and had multiple false starts, much to everyone else’s amusement, before she took a deep breath and began to speak.
	“No, I am merely a colleague, and rival. I am here to understand how a person like him has been so successful despite his personality being the opposite of success.”
	“Come on now, don’t ruin your appetite by insulting each other just yet. At least have the courtesy to eat the food I cooked for you first.” Adam said, hoping to end any fights before they started.
	Hannah stopped while Florentia and Lloyd were discretely laughing. She slowly sunk back into her seat and Adam began to pour soup into everyone’s bowls. After a brief round of introductions, the conversation began to drift into small talk; birthplace, education, childhood stories and family. Hannah talked about her family and upbringing in the upper class of Cairo. Florentia talked about her time in the forest and all the insect- and plant- and were-folk within.
	There were occasional stories from the two men’s childhoods, but their stories eventually devolved into whatever harebrained hijinks they got up to after they met in college. While three of the four laughed while the two friends reminisced, Hannah was trying and failing to hide her continued bewilderment and exasperation as Adam and Lloyd continued to reveal their idiocy, past and present, to the world.
	“So, junior year, Adam here overslept and ended up missing a teambuilding exercise or whatever, right. So of course, he tries to pull a sob story on his team.”
	“I said my great-grandfather had an accident. He didn’t. And that I had to rush over to help him. I didn’t.”
	“And of course he ended up dragging me into this. I was pretty strung out at the time due to all the tests and projects I had, so it was pretty easy for me to play the part and cry.”
	“People knew we were close, so they just assumed Lloyd and I were related.”
	“And for the ones that did question it, we made up an excuse about being distant cousins.”
	“It was complete and utter bullshit. Until senior year. Two of our second-cousins actually ended up marrying each other.”
	“So now, we are actually distant cousin-in-laws.”
	“I think a few days before graduation, a guy in the same program as me must have figured out something. He asked me whether or not I was lying. So anyhow I went over to Lloyd-“
	“And I pulled out genealogical records. I may have omitted marriage dates and all, but the guy was dumbfounded.”
	“And that was the story of how I avoided a stupid meetup by exploiting my great-grandfather and predicting the future.”
	Hannah grumbled and simmered while Florentia chuckled. Adam was the first to notice, asking, “Is there something wrong? I apologize if my hospitality is not to your liking.”
	“No. You have been a most gracious host. But your compatriot continues to disappoint me with each passing minute.”
	“Oh come now, Hannah. I’m not the one to blame in that instance.” Lloyd said jokingly.
	“You were complicit. To shirk off a higher authority so flagrantly and to lie for such an extended period of time is absolute villainy.  And what’s even more villainous is to enable such an affront.”
	“Nothing would have happened if he had been caught anyways, it was harmless. Trust me, if he had missed a test or presentation or project, I would have been the first to drag him to the professors.”
	“Oh, so you draw the line when it comes to grave matters with other people? So where do you draw the line on your own actions?”
	“What are you even talking about? Since when have I gypped anyone of anything?”
	“This comes back to why I am here. There is no possible way for you to beat me in the evaluations. You live with your best friend. Your house has objects strewn about everywhere and is not conducive to a relaxing domestic environment. Not to mention your past habits. With all these factors, the only way you could possible outrank me was if you cheated.”
	“Well, that’s rather prejudiced of you, little miss perfect. I will admit that, yes, I did have access to information the rest of you didn’t.”
	“Giving up the ruse so easily? Lloyd, what did you do?”
	Lloyd briefly walked out of the room before returning with a file in hand, which he then dropped in front of Hannah before sitting back down.
	“Read that and see what you can figure out.”
	“These are…wait. You took the evaluation instructions?”
	Lloyd chuckled. “I will admit, I have a lot of respect for social scientists. They’re brilliant people, and their work is far harder than mine. But, their work is highly subjective and any measurements they make are subject to exploitation.”
“But-what-“
	“We’ve worked together for, what, 3 years now. I think I know what our boss looks for. And I know enough to figure out how all these measurements work. So, yes, in that regard, I did ‘cheat.’ But can you truly say that I did it out of laziness rather than efficiency? Come now, our department’s the star of the company ever since I got top marks and taught everyone how to do so as well.”
	“You- ugh.” Hannah’s face twisted as she went through every negative emotion possible. “I suppose I should bring your case to management, more to show how completely useless this system of theirs is once people understand it. I can’t believe this, but I thank you.”
	“So that’s what you’re going to do? Well alright, suppose I benefit either way. Either I stay up top or I’m lauded as the person who figured out exploits in the system.”
	“Don’t think I’m ever going to praise you at work. And don’t think you’re off the hook just yet, I’ll be sure to report everything you’ve done.” Hannah sighed. “Adam, what do you use to make this soup? It’s the one good thing that’s happened to me tonight, so I’m hoping I could at least salvage something.”
	“The soup? It’s nothing special. Embarrassingly, I wasn’t expecting guests at the end of the month. So, it’s kinda just whatever we had left? I think there’s pasta, and carrots, potatoes, peas, corn too? The meat is just some leftover chicken, beef, and sausage that I blended and packed together a few days ago. So yeah, it’s an end-of-the-month-oh-god-we-have-to-use-all-this-before-it-goes-bad-and-we-don’t-have-any-money stew, so I can’t really tell you how to make it.” Adam rattled off nonchalantly.
	There was a brief silence where Hannah maintained a neutral expression, staring directly ahead while everyone stared at her. Lloyd placed her hand on Hannah’s shoulder in concern, but the anubis just started laughing before passing out in her seat.
	“Oh dear.” Florentia said before turning to face Adam. “You know, you could have been a little less honest. So what are we going to do with her?”
	“Can’t Lloyd just take her home?” Adam asked.
	Lloyd looked concerned and perhaps remorseful. “I wish I could, but I actually just realized I don’t know where she lives. Look, just let me take care of this, alright? I’ll admit, I might have went way too far tonight, and I suppose I did egg you guys on too. This was too much for her. And I think have a lot of apologizing to do in the morning. Ah well, guess I’ve got the couch tonight.”
	“Shoot. Forgot about this.” Adam mumbled. “Hey, Flory, where are you sleeping tonight? I can take the recliner if you want my bed.”
	“Huh? I mean. We could just share, if you don’t mind. I’d feel really bad if you had to sleep in a chair because of me.”
	Adam smiled slightly and sighed. “I suppose you’ve already made up your mind. Alright, guess I’ll take a shower first, while Lloyd’s making the couch comfortable. Feel free to put on one of my nightshirts or whatever.”
	By time Adam was finished showering Florentia was already lying in his bed and underneath the blankets. Her roots were all curled underneath and her flower seemed almost deflated, most likely in an attempt to minimize exposure with the air. It was a tight squeeze to be sure, Adam’s legs ended up being wedged inside her flower, his feet touching the base of her calves.
	“Sorry about this, my bed’s kinda made for one human.” Adam said.
	“It’s fine. Really. In fact, I think I could get used to this.” Florentia sunk deeper into Adam’s chest and wrapped her arms around him. “You don’t mind, do you? You’re so warm.”
	“That’s fine, now let’s go to sleep. I need to show you the house proper tomorrow. Good night.”
	After he turned the lights off, she seemed to be drawing him closer, and he could feel something pressing against him from behind. He didn’t mind and she didn’t seem to notice, both of them were tired after everything that happened. And thus the two of them fell asleep in each other’s arms as Florentia’s petals closed around them, isolating them in their sweet embrace.