There Goes My Hero

>be me, bonky
>i'm with my pal, pickle horse-man
>we're in a big bed
>with our pals dracula, redhorse, poon, miles davis, yuichi, marie, twilight sparkle, ashley, levi, elki, slippery pete, DFW, wario, waluigi, and henrietta
>it's a really big bed
>it's actually a lot of regular sized beds fit together
>but the sheet we custom made
>it was a tremendous undertaking
>we had to fly around the world
>there's few textile weavers on the planet that would agree to something this insane
>it's a beautiful, gentle evening
>just a few lazy insects humming their way home
>when marie notices there's a leak in the stadium
>she's about to say something
>but poon interrupts her
>Poon says "I'll take care of it, Marie. You just relax."
>Poon climbs out of the bed
>and goes to the bathroom
>he comes back a few minutes later
>with a mop and a bucket
>he's soaked
>it's all flooded in there! he calls out
>WHAT? we shout
>it's flooded! everything north of us is flooded!
>The water is rising quickly!
>We need to evacuate!
>Poon, you're a hero! do something heroic!
>Poon nods
>and leaps into the murky water
>aaah it's burning me! he shouts
>WHAT? we shout
>it's burning me! it must be chemicals!
>it must be from that chemical plant that exploded!
>Poon, you're a hero! do something heroic!
>Poon nods
>he climbs out of the sizzling hot chemicals, his beautiful hair completely burnt away and his skin a bright pink, blotted with red hemmorraghes
>he's in a lot of pain
>but he's a hero
>he's a hero!
>and people need to believe in a hero!
>he starts climbing the bleachers
>to get to the top of the stadium
>so he can be seen
>because he's a hero!
>our beds start floating in the chemical tide
>the beds start breaking up like a giant iceberg
>jump! someone shouts to poon
>jump before it's too late!
>Poon looks down at us
>and then looks back at the rising water
>he knows he needs to get to higher ground
>but he also knows he needs to help us
>he's torn
>but he knows what he needs to do
>he jumps
>and we all catch him
>and his skin and muscles burst into a big jellied mess of gore
>everyone who gets hit starts howling in pain
>it's burning! it's eating through our skin!
>Poon, you're a hero! do something heroic!
>Poon nods
>he takes a big swig from the bottle of vodka he keeps in the back pocket of his baby gap stone-washed summer-cut jorts
>and then he starts pouring it on us
>it starts making things worse!
>now we're burning and sizzling and our skin is sloughing away
>and anyone who touches anyone else adheres to them
>and we quickly find out it's too painful to pull away
>so we stay glued to each other
>in a big pile of human/horse/vampire/horse-man jello
>our beds carry us on waves of chemicals down the hills into the town
>where people are screaming and running and burning
>Poon, you're a hero! do something heroic!
>Poon nods
>he takes another swig of vodka
>and then he starts setting things on fire
>with his mind
>he sets fire to the chemical plant
>and then he sets fire to the town
>and then he sets fire to the world
>"Poon!" we say, shocked at this change of his behavior, "why did you do that?"
>"I'm a hero!" Poon shouts, "and this is what heroes do!"
>"No!" we say, "why did you set fire to the world?"
>Poon looks at us, his eyes wide and wild
>"I'm a hero!" he shouts, "and this is what heroes do!"
>And then he sets fire to himself
>and it just so happens we're all stuck to him
>bonded in muscle and tissue
>and spirit
>we become a ball of burning sentient flesh
>with the power to set fire to things with our minds
>we blaze through the sky
>setting fire to everything we see
>until there's nothing left but ashes and cinders
>and we're the only things left alive in this world
>then we head to other worlds
>to burn them alive
>so that no one has to suffer as we did
>this is what heroes do