Episode I: The Phantom Dickler

(Scene opens in Andrew's bedroom, 7 pm dawn chorus of heavy vehicles roaring over potholes. Andrew is passed out on the bed, empty bottles litter the room. There is an elegantly crafted dick drawn on his face. Andrew groggily gets up and puts on his glasses)
Andrew: Fuck.
(Andrew gets up and exits the room, stumbling and the camera follows him. On the TV it shows the playlist from the night before is still playing but on mute. He goes into the hall and knocks on Kyle's door)
Andrew: Kyle!
(From inside Kyle's room, nought is heard but inane giggling. Andrew knocks again)
Andrew: Kyle, what are you doing?
(Louder giggling is heard)
Andrew: (sigh) Whatever.
(Andrew leaves and walks downstairs and enters the living room. On the couch Jimmy is passed out in a drunken stupor, cuddling his ukelele. The table is littered with empties. There is also an elegantly drawn dick on Jimmy's face. The camera pans to Hicks and shows him smiling at the fact Jimmy has a dick on his face. Andrew then proceeds to shake Jimmy awake)
Jimmy: Whaaaaaaaaat....?
Andrew: Jimmy, I need blunt wraps, you wanna come?
(Jimmy hazily gets up to put on his glasses and sees the dick on Andrew's face. He smiles then puts on his poker face)
Jimmy: Yeah man. I'm down.
(Jimmy gets up in his pyjamas and puts on his hat)
Jimmy: I'm ready to go.
Andrew: Me too.
(Shot of Andrew smiling as he exits the living room with his back to Jimmy, with Jimmy following and also smiling. Shot of the two walking past the shitters on the trail)
Jimmy: there's that fucking smell again.
Andrew: Yep.
(Shot of the two walking under the bridge)
Jimmy: We should get a boat. Then, we should become pirates.
Andrew: we should get a boat, then become Vikings.
Jimmy: aren't Vikings just Nordic pirates?
Andrew: They are, essentially. But pirates don't worship the all-father.
Jimmy: Nordic pirates did.
(Shot of the two walking into the mini-mall. They go into the pipe shop.)
Veronica: Good afternoon! What can I help you with today?
(Andrew and Jimmy both smile good-heartedly.)
Andrew: Hey, have you got any new pieces?
Veronica: (insert sales pitch here, looking at the two weirdly the whole time.)
Jimmy: Nah, I don't have any money.
Veronica: Well that's because you don't have a job, sweetie.
(Andrew laughs, Jimmy looks bummed out)
Andrew: We'll just take some blunt wraps I guess.
Veronica: Okay, that'll be $4.20, and... by the way, you both have penises on your faces.
Andrew and Jimmy: (worried) What?
(They both look at their phones, then look at each other)
Andrew and Jimmy: Kyle!
Jimmy: Thanks Veronica, see you later.
Veronica: See you later, have a good night boys.
(The two leave the shop. Shot of the two back at the place, banging on Kyle's door.
Andrew and Jimmy: Kyle!
(More giggling from inside)
Kyle: One second~!
(There is a lot of banging noises and cursing from within. Then Kyle answers the door with a poorly drawn dick on his face)
Kyle: (giggling) What's up, guys?
Andrew: Who drew the dicks, Kyle?
(Kyle looks at their faces, giggling and looking suspicious)
Kyle: Oh yeah... you guys DO have dicks on your faces... Well clearly, it wasn't me because I too have a dick on my face.
Jimmy: Well you know what it looks like to me? It looks like you drew the dicks on our faces, then realized you'd get caught, and attempted to draw a dick on your own face, but you were drunk and couldn't see your face. And unless we have some sort of midnight dickler on our hands-
Kyle: Faces.
(Jimmy gives him a dirty look)
Jimmy: It looks like you got... too COCKY.
(Andrew facepalms. Kyle laughs hysterically)
Andrew: Whatever, dickheads. Lets discuss this more over bong tokes.
(Shot of the three in Andrew's room. Andrew is busting weed while Kyle looks suspicious)
Jimmy: Why'd you do it Kyle? We TRUSTED you Kyle.
Kyle: I'm telling you guys, it wasn't me. It was the midnight dickler!
(Goes into a flashback with the caption, "THE PREVIOUS NIGHT." During the flashback, there are people at the party, there is loud music and everyone is partying and drunk. Crazy shit is happening. Kyle is chugging from a liquor bottle. He is fucked)
Jimmy: Kyle, I think you should slow down...
Kyle: (loudly) FUCK YOU, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!
(Jimmy awkwardly turns away and sips his drink. He gets up and leaves. Kyle is sad)
Kyle: Jimmy!! Come back, you are my dad!! You ARE my dad!!
(Andrew comes into the room)
Kyle: What's up?
Andrew: I'm going to bed.
Kyle: Noooo... everybody's leaving me!
Andrew: Yep.
(Andrew leaves. Kyle takes another huge chug from the liquor)
Kyle: At least I have you, alcohol.
(A random guy comes by, grabs the liquor from Kyle)
Guy: I'm going home to drink alone.
Kyle: Hey!
(Guy leaves. Kyle is pissed.)
Kyle: YOU DICKS! You're all a bunch of... of... DICK HEADS. (He giggles) Heh. dick heads.
(Kyle stumbles off the couch, and drunkenly walks into the hall, and stops by the white board. He looks at the marker and laughs)
Kyle: You drove me to this! Now sempai will notice me!
(kyle grabs the marker and laughs. Flahback ends. Back to the three on the bed.)
Kyle: AND I CAN PROVE IT!
Andrew: (sigh) How you gonna prove it, Kyle?
Kyle: Follow me.
(Kyle gets up, the others follow. Shot of the three by the white board. It reads, "I SHALL STRIKE AGAIN! -THE MIDNIGHT DICKLER")
Kyle: See? How could it be me? I'm not the midnight dickler, I'm Kyle.
Jimmy: That's hardly proof, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, it totally is! I have a dick on my head, AND I'm not the midnight dickler. That's TWO pieces of evidence.
(Andrew points to some writing above the dickler comment that are in the same hand writing)
Andrew: Well how come that handwriting is exactly the same as the Dickler's handwriting?
(Andrew punctuates the question with a bong toke and passes the bong to Kyle)
Kyle: We obviously have a professional on our hands, one who can fake handwriting...
(Flashback mode: Night vision POV of Kyle stumbling up to the white board and writing the dickler comment, making Kyle noises. POV pans down and show Kyle slapping his leg while laughing. Back to present)
Kyle: ..and also one that can infiltrate and exfiltrate completely undetected...
(Flashback mode: POV Night vision of kyle drunkenly going into andrew's room, making a fucking racket and drawing the dick on his head, POV of him trying to do it to Jimmy and knocking over cans and drawing the dick)
Kyle: probably a really cool guy with lots of friends!
(Flashback: POV night vision of guy swiping his liquor and saying he's leaving, then leaving. Back to present. Kyle takes a bong toke and coughs everywhere in a failure to punctuate his theory in any meaningful way then passes the bong to Jimmy)
Jimmy: I think we've already solved the mystery of the midnite dickler, KYLE!
(Jimmy takes a bong toke and passes it to Andrew. Kyle points to the dick on his face)
Kyle: Guys, do you really think I could have pulled this sweet dick off? How would I get the detail right on myself?
Jimmy: That's not a sweet dick. You should know. You LOVE sweet dick.
Kyle: Guys, we shouldn't be arguing about this! we should be banding together to try and find the REAL dickler. I can tell you EXACTLY what happened last night.
Andrew: (sigh) Alright, Kyle.
(They go into the living room, sit down.)
Kyle: We were all getting drunk,and bowling, we were watching vines and having a good time...
(Flashback mode: Everyone is sitting on the couch, aggressively pumped, watching vines and really amped)
Some Guy: I fucking LOVE vines!!!
Kyle: I know you do, that's why I put them on!
(Abruptly, Andrew and Jimmy stand up)
Jimmy: This party SUCKS, see you later, nerds.
Some Guy: That's no way to talk to Kyle! He's a fucking legend! You guys should show show the proper respect that he deserves! Here, Kyle... have some free liquor (handing him the bottle).
Andrew: You know what, you're right- Kyle IS a legend!
Jimmy: Let's stay and drink! Put on some Conan!
Andrew: Take my flask, Kyle. It's yours now (handing him the flask)
Some Guy: If only we could somehow be watching vines AND Conan simultaneously...
Jimmy: I'll go get the other TV!
(Jimmy leaves)
Andrew: Let's all drink to Kyle!
(Shots being poured)
(everyone lifts their glasses/bottles etc. in unison)
All: To Kyle!!
(They all take the shots and everyone but Kyle takes it like a bitch while Kyle appears unscathed)
Kyle: Man, you guys need to handle your liquor better.
Andrew: I know. I drink like such a bitch. I wish I could be more like you.
Kyle: You're beautiful just the way you are, bro.
(Jimmy re-enters with a TV)
Jimmy: you guys ready to watch Conan AND vines??
Andrew: Man, you missed drinking to Kyle!
Jimmy: Oh shit, pass me the bottle.
(Kyle hands him his bottle, Jimmy drinks heartily, but still like a bitch)
Kyle: Man, you should slow down.
Jimmy: You're not my dad!! But I wish you were...
(Out of flashback mode, back to the three sitting on the bed. Kyle finishes his toke and passes the bong to Jimmy)
Kyle: And after that, the party got kind of out of hand.
Andrew: What do you mean out of hand?
Jimmy: The only thing out of hand is this elaborate web of lies you're weaving.
Kyle: I'm not lying you guys, I'm proving my innocence!
Andrew: Well you've proved that you don't remember what happened last night at all.
Kyle: Well if you'd let me finish... I was way too drunk to be going around drawing dicks on people's heads.
(Andrew and Jimmy look at each other with a knowing look of contempt and then both get up and leave without saying anything)
Kyle: Hey, wait, come back!
(Kyle follows. Shot of the three entering the living room.)
Andrew: Where's the TV Kyle?
Jimmy: Yeah, I don't remember carrying any TV.
Kyle: That's because you were too drunk.
Andrew: WE were too drunk? I thought you said that you were too drunk to draw dicks on our heads.
Kyle: I was! But I remember the TV.
Jimmy: I thought you said everyone else was too drunk. If I was too drunk to remember the TV, I was too drunk to carry the TV.
(Jimmy takes the toke and blows the smoke into the camera, goes into a flashback)
Kyle: Look you guys, i'm telling you, somebody broke in, wrote on the whiteboard, drew dicks on all of our heads and then unplugged the TV, moved it and left!
(Flashback of all of this happening during narration)
(Andrew and Jimmy stare at Kyle with blank expressions)
Jimmy: Right well it was Kyle, moving right along
Kyle: Dude what the fuck?!
Andrew: Dickler confirmed
Kyle: Nooooooooooooooo~
Jimmy: Shut up Dickler!
Andrew: What should we do after we get Kyle's dicks off our faces?
Kyle: I'm not the dickler!
Jimmy: well we could get some money, message everyone, and do it all again.
Andrew: Okay.
(Andrew gets out his phone. Kyle suddenly looks worried, a look of surprised dread)
Kyle: Talk to you later, guys, bye!! (Runs off, you hear the door slam)
(Jimmy and Andrew look puzzled. Andrew sighs, passes Jimmy the phone. Jimmy starts looking at it)
Andrew: Well, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Jimmy: WHAT THE FUCK.
(Screen shots of facebook posts showing Kyle drunkenly taking selfies while drawing dicks on Andrew and Jimmy's heads, and his own)