Shame

So, I watched the newest Contrapoints video the other day, and it inspired me to write about all the shit I've been thinking and feeling for a little over a year now. This isn't gonna be a very well written post, it's not going to be very structured, and it will probably be quite long. But I really just need to get all of this off my chest right now.

Sometime around the end of 2018 or the beginning of 2019 was when I realized that I didn't want to be male anymore. I knew that I wanted to paint my nails, and wear makeup, and put on dresses. But I've been too scared to do anything about it. Even over a year later, I'm too scared to even do anything slightly feminine. These feelings of shame, and embarrassment, and hatred have really been consuming me over the course of the past year and it's honestly getting to the point where I'm crying myself to sleep and I feel like I'm about to have a breakdown at any moment.

There are two things I wanted to write about today. First of all, I wanna talk about the history of my life, particularly reflecting on how I got to a point where I stopped wanting to be male. Secondly, I wanna explore why I feel so shitty about myself over this, and why I hate myself. I want to write about these things not only to finally let to be known publicly, but also so that I can sort through my own feelings. Everything is a big jumbled mess in my head right now, and it's all so confusing to me. Hopefully I can understand myself a little better at the end of this.

When I was little (around 3-6 years old), I was actually quite open about myself and fairly extroverted. I always spoke my mind about everything, and I was really good friends with almost everyone in my classes. But it was around when I hit 7 that things started to change. I still remember my 2nd grade bullies who would make fun of me every day for my voice. Those feelings still hurt me to this day, and it caused to really stop wanting to talk to people. It was also around when I was 7 years old that I started doing gymnastics. In my competitive gymnastics group, I was very much rejected by my peers at first, because I would always say what I thought and how I felt no matter what. It was only once I stopped being open with my feelings that I was accepted.

But those feelings still resided in me. I was still feeling on the inside, even if I wasn't expressing that outwardly. Around the time I was 10 years old was when I had my first crush. I tried to tell her my feelings, and of course I got rejected. This happens to almost everyone but the way I interpreted it was the following; if you try to open up your emotions to someone, you will get hurt. So I decided that I wasn't going to let myself get close to someone again. I'll keep a safe distance so that I can't get hurt. Of course, I wasn't this aware of myself when I was 10, but that is essentially what I did in retrospect. Right after that was when I started to make friends in school again. I wouldn't get too emotionally close to my friends, and in turn, I would be able to not be completely lonely. This went on for a while, and into my high school years. As long as I don't get too close to people, I could make some semi-distant friends and I wouldn't ever get hurt by anyone.

I was 13 when I first started watching anime, and what made anime so special to me was that I was allowed to feel again. I felt like there was a safe space for me to be allowed to feel, and I finally felt like a real person again. Through anime, I was able to make more friends, and I was able to get a little closer to them than normal (but not too close) because anime was a safe space for me. I had another crush was I was 16 that I tried to ask out. I really felt like this time I was ready to be emotionally open with someone. But alas, I was rejected yet again. And this time it had hurt way more than ever before. That night was the first time I had cried myself to sleep, and I was still feeling the pain even months after. It reminded me when I had closed myself off from being open about my feelings.

After this, I realized something. If I stop myself from feeling anything at all, then it impossible for me to get hurt. I started (unknowingly of course) trying to train myself to stop feeling anything, and it got me to a point today where I'm more emotionally numb about events that go on in the world than most people. The only times I would feel are when watching anime, or when thinking about the things I'm writing in this pastebin.

I think it was somewhere in 2017 where I really started to realize that I particularly liked anime girls and yuri relationships (for those not in the know, yuri refers to a romantic relationship between 2 girls in anime). I loved the girls cute designs, and their bubbly and open personalities. I also loved how lovingly yuri relationships were shown. At the time, I attributed this feeling solely to being attracted to them, and I thought that I liked yuri because I could self insert as either of the girls. But by the end of 2018, I realized something; it was not only the girls in anime, but all the girls around me in general that were able to be more emotionally open. Why was this?

In the end of 2018 (or at the beginning of my first year of university), I slowly came to the realization that (at least part of) the reason I was being taught to be emotionally closed off was because of my masculinity. Men are supposed to be strong, we are supposed to be the ones who can take charge, and we're supposed to be too powerful to care about stupid things like "emotions". But I never felt that way. I never felt like I wanted to be anything close to what was expected of a man. I never wanted to be the one who would take charge in a relationship, and I certainly never wanted to be powerful. I would rather be someone who is able to empathize with others, and who is able to create close bonds with people. And from my perspective, my masculinity was holding me back from that, not only because it goes against how I understanding being a male, but also because it goes against what society thinks about being male.

So that's when I finally realized I wanted to be a girl. But I wasn't able to do anything. Why? Why was I so scared? Why was this something that caused me so much pain, almost every night for a whole year?

One of the reasons which was a factor at first (beginning of 2019) was that I wasn't living with my roommates at the time. I didn't want to cause any sort of drama, so I didn't do anything. I first, I fully attributed my fear to this factor, but after I moved back home in April of that year, I was feeling ever more scared than I had ever before. This caused me to really re-analyze my feelings, and when I thought about the reasons that I'm so scared of doing anything about transitioning, four main reasons came to mind.

First of all, I'm scared of how my family would react to my transition. I'm scared that they will try to distance themselves from me because they are scared of being rude to me. I'm also scared that I would be disappointing my family's expectations of me, and that I would somehow be betraying the 19 year long relationship I've had with my family members.

Secondly, I'm scared of how all you guys online will see me now. I'm scared the people who I'm close to online will see me as lesser because I'm becoming more "like the SJWs" as some people would put it. I'm scared that I'll be see as lesser because of transitioning, and I'm scared that I'll only be seen as a "tranny" by other people.

Thirdly, I'm scared of how I'll be seen in society by transitioning. I'm scared of having to explain myself to everyone. I'm scared of having to get my gender changed by institutions. But most of all, I'm scared of being seen as a freak by other people. Part of the reason that I question whether I'm "really" trans or not is because a lot of people think that people that go MtF (male to female) and who are still attracted to females are transitioning because they have some sort of fetish. And honestly, I can't really convince myself that I'm NOT doing this because of some weird fetish. I think I feel this especially strongly as an anime fan, who is seen by society as someone who is more likely to be doing this for amoral reasons.

But fourthly, and most importantly, I'm scared of transitioning because of my want to have children. If I become a trans lesbian and don't undergo surgery or HRT, I'll have a constant reminder of my masculinity, which I absolutely hate. But if I do undergo surgery, then I won't be able to have children. This is a huge deal for me, since I've known that I've wanted children since I was 9 years old, and that feeling as never died.

Also, while not one of the main reasons, I'm really scared that I'll come out as trans just to realize that I don't actually wanna be trans after attempting to transition. I don't want to take all the trouble to come out just to backpedal and look like an idiot in the end.

It's for all of these reasons that I can't sleep at night, that I keep crying, and that I hate myself. I'm extremely scared of tweeting this out, but I'm hoping that by finally being open about this, I'll feel slightly better about myself. Maybe I'll finally actually do something about transitioning. I'm hoping that finally, being open about my feelings won't end up hurting me in the end. And I hope that by writing this pastebin, I'll have even one person who can help me.

If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for reading. I'm sorry that I sound so depressed here (I guess I feel ashamed for even having and sharing these negative emotions) and I hope that the future will be brighter.

:3