Hi dad. Since I dont have the confidence to speak in
person but its a week from when we had a chat and this
is my answer and express truth or true feelings I am
typing out this for you in the best I can and break down
stuff. Everything said here is the truth. Im breaking it
down so you can understand and read with ease. In this I
will sound somewhat harsh but thats because I will try not
to apologize and stay strong and stand by what I say as I
mean all of this 100% even though I dont have the ability
to tell you in person due to lack of confidence and fear
but that will be explanied later why. Please read this with
an open mind and also see it from my side, I wont be
acting as you see me normally aka constantly saying
sorry for everything or acting like a coward, im speaking
strongly in this from the heart not just what someone
wants to hear to make life easier for the both of us.

Lets start with work. I love working in a kitchen and I do
want to work as a chef for my whole life. That being said I
find it very hard in this kitchen/job. This will become clear
further on why. I am finding it very very hard at the
moment in the position I am in. We can both agree I am
way way under qualified to be working here, I try my best
but anyone could see its not the right place at this
moment in time. I do need the education before I step
into a higher up kitchen that has real talent while im still
lacking it. I want to go and start from the bottom and learn
before I get to the level expected due to not having any
expierence and being thrown in at the deep end to only
drown. I find it extreamly hard to work for you as a boss
due to you being my father and I understand you are your
own person and I have no right to request change as you
are who you are, it is very hard for me to hear that im a

"stupid cunt" or " A fucking idiot" etc. Now that stuff gets
trapped into my brain over anything else and I can not
help that therefore it causes a huge amount of
fear/anxiety of you flipping out on me. I understand what
you say about inside the kitchen you are oz and outside
you are dad but for me it is extremely hard to the dad
side when the oz side locks in and sticks in my brain.
Because of this on my side I feel like our relationship as
father and son is very close to being destroyed as inside
and outside the kitchen I am in none stop fear of you
flipping out on me for any reason which is causeing my
mental issues to be a lot to worse and further in I will be
mentioning about my mental issues, I don't want our
relationship to be destroyed any further than it is, one
example for this is you having to read this because I am
legit in fear to talk to you truthfully about any of this. Like I
said I want to be working as a chef but I would like to be
working from the bottom up so I can get the education
and experience needed before I get anywhere near
working for you because I understand and also respect
your very very high levels of expertations. I understand
this sounds like I want to quit and thats because I do. Not
quitting work or being a chef but working for you because
I want to salvage our relationship thats slowly being
destroyed on my side from working for you and living
here, Im doing this because I do care and always will love
you. I hope you do not see this as laziness or not wanting
to work or even having a bad work ethic because I have a
very strong one (this will be explained later on) I want to
work and I want to succeed but due to everything I can't
here. If accepted I will be going to get the education
needed along with working from the bottom and getting to
a level I am happy enough with. I am happy to repay any
costs caused such as whites/knives etc and will work out

any other time needed in my contract. I am hoping this is
a relieve to you because I know you know im not good
enough for this line of work yet and do need to fix myself
before focasing on something as big as this. I want to be
able to stick as a family and revert back to how things
used to be. I do want to come on holiday and most of all I
want to be able to enjoy life and at the moment I am not
doing so if you couldnt guess.

Moving on from that. I do miss all my friends and from
starting here I have lost pretty much the little social life I
had. I do miss my mother and anything from how life
used to be. I want to be able to have a good relationship
with you like how it was. I understand and accept its just
as hard for you as it is for me with this change and I think
its safe to say it hasnt gone to plan/ as expected. I want
to do another big change and somewhat go back to how
life was apart from with full time work as a chef/kp back in
horsham along with getting an education on the trade so I
can learn and improve in myself and my skills.

From that im moving onto my mental health, Now this is
going to be very hard for me to explain fully and truthfully
due to last week. From the chat we had in the common
room I have that locked anyway in my brain and I will
never be able to get rid of what you said about it all. The
fact you said it was all bullshit really really hurt because
about 9 hours before that chat I had taken an overdose
and written out suicide notes and that night/early morning
I was violently puking my guts up and never even
planned to have the chat or even wake up that day for
work but I still did, I still continued to work that week

when I feel like I should have had medical attention due
to a lot of phyiscal pain from the overdose because I
know I had to work and put aside my mental and physical
pain so I could work and had to hide the fact I was in pain
because all I could do is take more medication to
"remove" the pain even though its what caused it and it
would only make it worse. To wake up the next day
heartbroken it didnt work to hear that my issues are all
bullshit and its all my own doing hurt like a lot and that
cant be taken back, I was to scared to even tell you I tried
to take my own life that night because of what you said
about I have a choice of being put into a nuthouse for 6
months or being put into a coffin. I can not explain how
much that has damaged me as a person to hear that from
my own father. I do try and I try my hardest daily to be
nice and do my best but and on top of that be to be in a
constant fight vs myself to the point I refused to even look
in the mirror due to how much I hate myself, even sight of
my own hands causes anger at myself, I have to watch
people who love and care about me slowly give up and
labling me as a lost cause who should be in a coffin or a
nuthouse, I heard that and I believe I should be. For me
to self harm is like an itch that you can stratch but have to
fight yourself not to 24/7 365 days a year. It sounds
stupid and fake but I do hear voices in my head telling me
to do this stuff to myself, never ever to damage anyone
else but myself so im not a danger to anyone but myself.
I don't want to be in a nuthouse and I do want to change
and I want to fix myself and get somewhere before I drop
dead. I have been living a lie to everyone so no one
understands my real reasons for doing something a
prime example of this is lying so so much about ciara
causesing me issues so people would agree I should get
rid of her so I could even trick myself into thinking that

when she is my world and the love of my life and I only
lied because I wanted everyone including her to be in
agreemeant she was an issue I had to get rid of but the
real reason was because I wanted her to move on and be
happy so when I did kill myself it wasnt as hard on her. I
can't explain my issues and how hard everything really is
for me and something as simple as the smallest mistake
can feel like something huge. I want to be better but
trying so so much its hard to see that happening, Im
hoping you will accept I want the change. I havnt even
covered all of what you said a week ago because
honestly im trying to block it out due to how much it hurt
me.

I have most likely missed a fair bit of what I wanted to say
here but I hope I got my point across of what I really want
at the moment, being change in everything and moving
back to find work in horsham and get an education
because of me missing everything back there along with
my mental health going downwards.

From that I don't know what more to say apart from I
hope you can understand what ive said there and the
reasons why I want the change and its not because of
being lazy its because I want to be able to fix and enjoy a
relationship between us along with being able to follow
what I want to do in life instead of being stuck in fear and
disapointmeant with myself bringing others down with me
when I dont mean to because that adds a feeling of guilt.
Feel free to talk to me about any of this when I am free
but no I know for a fact I wont be able to talk freely due to
how I feel and how I am and have 0 confidence talking.

Thank you for reading and please re-read to understand.