The Legend of Phil McCracken

07:25 <joo> A new challenger appears: Phil McCracken, the human Maceman (level 4), who has a copper mace, breastplate and helmet.
07:25 <Aumpa> Good luck, Phil.
07:28 <@Bruce> Oh, did you mean 2 Archery, or 2 skill with Bows specifically?
07:28 <@Bruce> They are separate, but the Bow skill is probably more important.
07:29 <Aumpa> Oh
07:29 <Aumpa> well, let's split it and go 1 archery 1 bow.
07:29 <@Bruce> Very well.
07:29 <Aumpa> thanks for these tips.
07:30 <@Bruce> [Racist] It's nice to have a HUMAN in this arena for once.
07:31 <joo> Heh.
07:33 <@Bruce> Phil and Vance commence their fight. Vance makes a quick shot with his bow, but it goes wide, and Vance charges up to give him a good smacking with the mace, bruising the Lion man.
07:34 <@Bruce> Vance dodges back to give himself some room and takes another shot, but Phil knocks the arrow out of the air with his mace!
07:34 <Maord> Phil is a beast.
07:34 <Aumpa> Wow1
07:34 <joo> Do you mean Phil?
07:35 <joo> Sick.
07:36 <@Bruce> Yes, I meant 'Phil charges up', earlier.
07:37 <@Bruce> Phil is still bashing away at Vance, but his weapon isn't helping him do much more than bruise Vance.
07:40 <@Bruce> Vance gets in one shot on Phil's leg. It isn't too deep, but Phil gets desperate, tries to tackle Vance to the ground. The Lion man has the size advantage, though, and knocks him over, and Phil loses his nerve to fight!
07:40 <joo> Damn it.
07:41 <@Bruce> He starts running to the other side of the arena, though he still has the composure to knock two more arrows out of the air, because he is apparently a jedi.
07:41 <joo> Hahaha.
07:41 <Aumpa> lol
07:41 <@Bruce> Seriously, I don't even remember that happening before.
07:44 <@Bruce> Phil continues running around the arena, getting shot a few more times. Both gladiators are heavily bruised, but this seems to be a war of attrition, and Phil has tired himself out running around like an idiot.
07:46 -!- Maord [[email protected]] has quit [http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client]
07:47 <@Bruce> Phil got a grip on his emotions and returned to continue the fight, but he collapsed from exhaustion and got frightened again, and now he's crawling away while Vance continues taking shots at him.
07:47 <Aumpa> So sad.
07:48 -!- Maord [[email protected]] has joined #fightclub
07:48 <joo> He needs to do this: http://ideonexus.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Qui-GonJinn.jpg
07:48 <joo> (But hopefully not do what happened next.)
07:48 <Aumpa> I loved that part.
07:48 <Aumpa> The sitting part.
07:49 <Maord> Yeah, meditating REALLY helped Qui-Gon
07:49 <joo> TWSS.
07:49 -!- Kryt [[email protected]] has quit [Connection closed for inactivity]
07:49 <Aumpa> Maybe it helped prepare him for death?
07:49 <joo> Yes, maybe it prepared him to enter the Jedi Afterlife.
07:49 <@Bruce> The best thing about The Old Republic was that they used Darth Maul's pacing back and forth as an animation one of the Sith classes used to rest.
07:49 <Aumpa> Anyway, what happens to poor Phil?
07:50 <joo> Hahah.
07:50 <@Bruce> Phil's been shot once more, and he finally passed out. Vance is just nonchalantly shooting arrows at his unconscious body.
07:50 <Maord> lol
07:50 <joo> He's just meditating!
07:51 <Maord> This is why we don't do humans!
07:51 <Aumpa> What if he runs out of ammo?
07:51 <joo> That's his strategy.
07:51 <Aumpa> lol
07:51 <Aumpa> Will Vance have to buy more arrows for the next round?
07:51 <@Bruce> He regained consciousness, crawled a bit closer to Vance, then got shot again and passed out.
07:51 <Aumpa> lol
07:52 <joo> Hahaha.
07:52 <@Bruce> Wooden arrows are cruel! Just kill the guy already!
07:52 <@Bruce> Although the copper mace is not too much different.
07:52 <joo> It sounds like these "wooden arrows" are just arrows with the heads removed.
07:53 <joo> A copper mace could still do the job of a mace against an unarmoured opponent!
07:53 <joo> Unless it's actually a bundle of copper wires.
07:53 <Aumpa> Mace (150) simple bashing weapon, best used with heavy metals, effective against armor, but unlikely to cause swift deaths. works well even with cheap metal
07:55 <@Bruce> joo: Vance is unarmored. The copper mace is just one of those weapons that isn't very good at Finishing the Job.
07:56 <joo> Bruce: is a mace from some other material better at doing this?
07:56 <Aumpa> Two vaguely lethal weapons.
07:57 <Maord> Is anyone dead yet?
07:57 <@Bruce> joo: It's been awhile since I've used a Blunt weapon in Dwarf Fortress, but iron and silver blunt weapons break bones and explode things more often, I seem to recall.
07:57 <joo> Interesting.
07:58 <Aumpa> I guess copper is too light.
07:58 <@Bruce> Yes, I think that's the reason.
07:58 <joo> But copper is denser than iron.
07:59 <Aumpa> How did Lennie explode things with his fists?
07:59 <@Bruce> By being fucking huge.
07:59 <Aumpa> By being a giant?
07:59 <Aumpa> Okay
07:59 <@Bruce> joo: Is it? Well, you may have to email that information to the Developer, because I seem to recall it's considered lighter in the game.
08:00 <joo> Interesting.
08:00 <Aumpa> Has Vance run out of ammo yet?
08:00 <Maord> The wiki has it as denser.
08:01 <Maord> Copper > iron for density.
08:01 <@Bruce> Hmm... no, the game's values have copper as more dense. I don't know why iron is better than copper for blunt weapons, then. Perhaps I misremembered.
08:01 <joo> Maord: the Dwarf Fortress wiki?
08:01 <Maord> Yes.
08:01 <@Bruce> Yes, he just ran out of arrows.
08:01 <joo> Hahaha.
08:01 <@Bruce> He's now trying to bash his head in with the bow.
08:01 <joo> LOL
08:01 <Aumpa> lol
08:02 <@Bruce> Since it's made of wood and Phil has a copper helmet, I expect this is going to be awhile longer.
08:02 <Maord> I present., waiting on the sidelines for a piece of the action.... "Lung Run Fo' Pae Oot" (Lung for short)  a giant with... a copper great axe.
08:04 <Maord> However, the impact yield for iron is 542... While Copper sits at a lowly 245
08:05 <@Bruce> http://i.imgur.com/9ezyQWH.png
08:06 <Aumpa> ah, impact yield.
08:06 <Maord> Ahahahaha
08:06 <Aumpa> lol oh man
08:07 <Aumpa> He hit him 100 times?
08:07 <@Bruce> After getting hit in the head hundreds of times... Phil woke up.
08:08 <Maord> I have a feeling Phil is related to the Bold Kobolds who bludgeon their younger fellows' heads for good luck.
08:08 <joo> LOL
08:09 <@Bruce> Phil fought for his life, getting scratched badly several times, but he brought his mace down upon Vance's head one last time, and it exploded into gore.
08:09 <Aumpa> omg
08:09 <Aumpa> haha
08:09 <Maord> Well ain't that something.
08:09 <@Bruce> The fight took 4 days.
08:09 <Aumpa> whew. that was a roller coaster of a battle.
08:10 <joo> Maord: do you mean the impact strain at yield?
08:10 <Maord> I mean Impact yield: Used for blunt-force combat; higher is better. This is the raw value divided by 10^3
08:10 <Aumpa> Congratulations, Phil. You deserved it.
08:10 <@Bruce> I thought Vance was just going to keep going until he hit Legendary Swordsman.
08:11 <Aumpa> He leveled up his sword skill?
08:12 <@Bruce> Yes, from hitting him with a bow.
08:12 <Aumpa> I think they were well matched for each other.
08:12 <@Bruce> Phil isn't going to be going in Fresh for his next fight: http://i.imgur.com/RqMRwqD.png
08:13 <@Bruce> You may spend 1 ftoBuck on Phil, joo.
08:13 <joo> I need to solve this Copper Mystery.
08:13 <Maord> Lung is pretty happy about the idea
08:14 <Aumpa> Weren't the wooden bow and wooden arrows 1 buck each?
08:14 <Maord> I'm going to hazard the guess that since copper is very malleable it's considered to suck?
08:15 <@Bruce> Aumpa: Yes, but the arrows were used up.
08:16 <joo> Phil just picks them all up from the floor and sells them.
08:17 <@Bruce> Most of them are Inside him, now.
08:17 <Aumpa> Good luck against Lung, Phil. I can't watch.
08:18 <Aumpa> 11:51:02 PM Aumpa  What if he runs out of ammo? 11:51:11 PM  joo  That's his strategy.
08:18 <joo> "Impact yield" is the stress at which the material will be deformed plastically.
08:19 <joo> But I wouldn't have imagined that Bone would ever be in danger of plastically deforming copper.
08:20 <Maord> Maybe Phil was weak
08:20 <@Bruce> No, copper is definitely Inferior for blunt weapons in DF.
08:21 <joo> Against armour, or against a parrying weapon, I'd understand it is.
08:22 <joo> Well, Phil upgrades his chestplate to Iron.
08:22 <@Bruce> I'm not arguing that it is Realistic, but it seems that whatever they mean by Impact yield is what determines its effectiveness as a blunt weapon.
08:22 <Aumpa> You're not upgrading the mace?
08:23 <Maord> He doesn't think he'll need it against Lung Run
08:23 <Aumpa> Phil, I don't think Lung is going to run out of ammo!
08:23 <@Bruce> joo is keeping the copper mace in protest of Dwarf Fortress' Science.
08:24 <joo> "Most dedicated blunt weapons cannot be deflected by anything but slade, so their impact yield can in fact be ignored."
08:24 <joo> According to http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/DF2014:Material_science
08:24 <Aumpa> Okay. So Phil's just weak.
08:25 <Aumpa> Or a Lion Man is tough?
08:27 <joo> It may be that there's some property that models copper maces at being more effective against unarmoured opponents, but it doesn't seem like it's impact yield. At any rate, having stronger armour seems more important.
08:27 <@Bruce> Perhaps it really is the density that matters, then, and I misremembered iron as being better for blunt weapons than copper.
08:28 <@Bruce> Because silver is certainly better than either in my experience.
08:30 <@Bruce> Lung and Phil step into the ring.
08:31  * Aumpa averts his eyes.
08:31 <@Bruce> Lung starts off the fight by bring his axe down on Phil's foot, cutting it badly, and Phil responds by somehow bashing him in the head.
08:32 <joo> Damn.
08:32 <Maord> Yay foot cutting.
08:32 <Maord> Boo head bashing.
08:32 <@Bruce> Lung doesn't seem to mind, though, and he cuts into Phil's arm this time, severing several nerves. Phil loses hold of his trusty mace and falls unconscious.
08:32 <joo> I'm glad that the worst he got away with was a "cut."
08:33 <Maord> Lung Run Fo' Pae Oot's first win under the belt.
08:33 <joo> Don't be hasty!
08:33 <@Bruce> He hasn't won yet. Phil is the first fighter in the Arena to come back and win after passing out.
08:33 <joo> Remember how the last fight went?
08:33 <joo> This is his winning strategy.
08:33 <@Bruce> And Lung is having similar issues getting through Phil's helmet, so far.
08:33 <Maord> OK, OK. We'll see.
08:34 <@Bruce> http://i.imgur.com/hMmExh3.png
08:35 <Maord> God.
08:35 <joo> http://emotibot.net/pix/1637.jpeg
08:36 <@Bruce> Lung eventually passed out from exhaustion, and Phil got up, and now he's punching him repeatedly in the head.
08:36 <Maord> oh my god.
08:36 <joo> Hahahaha.
08:37 <@Bruce> Lung's back up and hacked at him in the arm. I think he's lost the use of his hands or something, now, because he's just biting Lung.
08:38 <Maord> How does Lung's vitals look?
08:38 <joo> It's too bad he didn't take the opportunity to confiscate Lung's weapon.
08:38 <Aumpa> WHAT
08:38 <@Bruce> Lung's passed out again, and Phil's bit him in the head, and he's just shaking around trying to tear his head off.
08:38 <joo> LOL
08:39 <Maord> Nooo
08:39 <Aumpa> The same mysterious property that makes copper bad for maces also makes it wonderful as a helm.
08:39 <joo> This is Phil McCracken: http://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/The-Black-Night-monty-python-and-the-holy-grail-591462_800_441.jpg
08:40 <Maord> This is BS
08:40 <@Bruce> Phil took a quick Power Nap, and now he's back to work. I don't know how he has so much more energy than Lung.
08:41 <joo> This is the best Chortle I've had all wekk.
08:41 <joo> *week
08:42 <@Bruce> The fight has been going for 12 days so far.
08:43 -!- Aumpa [[email protected]] has quit [Broken pipe]
08:43 <@Bruce> Every time the Giant wakes up, he passes out again. I think it's an effect of getting bit constantly.
08:43 <Maord> It's like in those stories where people fought for weeks back and forth
08:43 <Maord> I've seen this before. Just wait.
08:43 <joo> Is he still trying to bite off the giant's head?
08:44 <@Bruce> Yes.
08:45 <@Bruce> "It is now summer."
08:45 <Maord> Lung has a big head.
08:45 <joo> He should at least do it Australian Rugby Style: http://www.hurriyetdailynews.com/default.aspx?pageid=438&n=gallardo-charged-for-biting-teammates-penis-2001-11-29
08:46 <joo> ...I mean Spanish Football Style.
08:46 <@Bruce> Actually possible, I found out.
08:46 <joo> Honestly, I don't know where I got that from.
08:47 <joo> Oh, it was from this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/12/anthony-watts-penis-biting-rugby-video_n_3914698.html
08:47 <joo> Apparently this is a common behaviour in sport.
08:47 <@Bruce> It's been a month and two days. Phil is now a Legendary Fighter and Wrestler.
08:48 <@Bruce> (Which is the maximum possible skill level.)
08:48 <joo> Hahaha.
08:48 <@Bruce> The giant has not been awake for a long time. I don't know how he's keeping it unconscious permanently.
08:49 <Maord> Well.
08:49 <joo> He's taking a Giant Nap.
08:51 <joo> Bruce: how did you discover this?
08:51 <joo> I mean regarding the penis biting.
08:52 <Maord> It takes a while to gnaw a giant's head off
08:52 <Maord> In this time... Gungplank, Lung's giant brother, readies himself with a copper pike...
08:52 <@Bruce> In adventure mode, I was wandering around town when a zombie alligator attacked some innocent goblins. It probably came from the sewer. Anyway, it hit one of the goblins in the lower body, and I saw the message, "It is a gelding blow!"
08:53 <@Bruce> It's probably referring to the Scrote, but that's open to interpretation.
08:53 <joo> Hahaha.
08:56 <@Bruce> Oh my god.
08:56 <@Bruce> After exactly three months, it's over.
08:56 <joo> Did they both starve to death?
08:56 <@Bruce> No. Lung died, of... infection.
08:56 <joo> Hahahahaha.
08:57 <@Bruce> The fight went on so long that he got sick from his wounds and succumbed to disease.
08:57 <@Bruce> I'm honestly scared of this guy now.
08:57 <Maord> Holy shit.
08:58 <Maord> So how does Phil look at this point
08:58 <joo> He will use the 1 F'uck from this battle to buy a pair of copper shoes.
08:58 <joo> Er... high boots, that is.
08:58 <joo> Oh, wait.
08:59 <joo> Well, leather high boots and leather greaves.
08:59 <@Bruce> I've never seen anyone survive a fight like that. He was hit with a great axe like six times, and any one of those I could have easily seen knocking him out. His limbs were out, and it was a fucking giant.
08:59 -!- Aumpa [[email protected]] has joined #fightclub
08:59 <@Bruce> Aumpa...
09:00 <@Bruce> Are you ready to hear the results of the fight?
09:00 <Maord> It's pretty fucking Brutal.
09:00 -!- Jonquille [[email protected]] has joined #fightclub
09:01 <@Bruce> Hello, Jonquille.
09:01 <joo> Aumpa, You Won't Believe What Happened Next: http://pastebin.com/8wBgdVmi
09:01 <Jonquille> Greetings.
09:01 <joo> Hello, Jonquille.
09:02 <joo> This is Phil McCracken, who has twice now won bouts using the strategy of falling unconscious then letting his opponent tire themselves out by hitting him in the head, then getting up and killing them.
09:02 <Aumpa> wow
09:02 <Aumpa> He's... some kind of monster.
09:03 <@Bruce> Maord: Most of his wounds have scarred by now, but he is still unable to grasp items, and unable to stand.
09:03  * Aumpa huggles Jonquille.
09:04 <Aumpa> The battle lasted 3 months...
09:04 <@Bruce> He has huge stat gains from all that, but it's still going to be tough to win unless he can keep employing this strategy.
09:04 <Maord> We'll see...
09:04 <@Bruce> He is up to fight Kuhg, next.
09:04 <Aumpa> Oh. Kuhg has to come out of retirement.
09:05 <Maord> Gungplank is watching Kugh closely.
09:08 <@Bruce> I can't believe how prophetic joo saying, "That's his strategy." was.
09:08 <Aumpa> Lung didn't have ammo!!
09:09 <@Bruce> Figuratively, he did, and he ran out of it.
09:10 <Aumpa> It's against my character to wish violence on people, but I hope Kuhg chops through that magic bronze helmet with his steel halberd.
09:11 <joo> I was joking the first two times I suggested this was going to happen, but nobody's smiling now. I'm scared.
09:12 <@Bruce> Phil was able to purchase some new leather armor, but I'm afraid he lacks the capacity to dress himself, now, and he'll have to do without it.
09:12 <joo> What? Do you mean there are no adoring fans willing to give him a bath and then dress him?
09:13 <@Bruce> I'm sure there are, but the game only allows you to Undress other characters, not Dress them.
09:13 <joo> Oh, my.
09:13 <joo> When I undress someone it's permanent.
09:13 <@Bruce> Yes.
09:13 <@Bruce> Well, no. Presumably other people can put clothes back on.
09:14 <@Bruce> Phil is just fucked up.
09:14 <joo> He'll pay someone 2 FTOBucks to give him a hand-job, them.
09:14 <joo> *then
09:15 <@Bruce> Very well. A goblin swings by later to complete the transaction.
09:15 <joo> Thank you, craigslist.
09:16 <@Bruce> Kuhg has returned to the arena. His skin is looking a bit Gangrenous.
09:18 <Aumpa> Is that from the spider venom?
09:18 <@Bruce> Yes.
09:18 <Aumpa> Damn.
09:18 <joo> I notice that Phil appears twice in the Hall of Fame.
09:18 <joo> Is he just that famous?
09:19 <@Bruce> Whoops.
09:21 <@Bruce> The two warriors charge at each other. Phil takes a quick bite out of Kuhg, but he is unfazed. Kuhg slams his halberd into Phil's arm, severing several nerves, and then slices off his hand. Phil feels nothing.
09:22 <Aumpa> http://i.imgur.com/ZTW2Ixh.jpg
09:25 <@Bruce> Kuhg stabs his leg, next as Phil bites into his foot, and then the ogre impales the human through the chest, tearing apart the left lung. Phil falls unconscious, and the next phase of his plan begins.
09:25 <joo> Hahaha.
09:25 <Maord> Humans are Fucked Up
09:26 <@Bruce> But it goes a little differently this time. Kuhg's massive halberd has no trouble dealing with that copper helmet, and the superhuman is decapitated.