Jenna Letter
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.i wrote this a few days ago thought you deserved to read it.
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Jenna,

So it's been a few days since we stopped talking all the time and I have to say now that the frenzy of it has worn off, I have mixed feelings about how everything went down.

First let me say it was an amazing strike of fortune that I ever met you. I don't know how or why things happen the way they do but there have only been two or three people in my life that I've connected with in a similar way to you. And I've been chasing that feeling ever since that first night listening to music with You. You came into my life out of nowhere and gave me hope that I didn't need to be miserable all the time and that to live that way isn't fair to me my kid or my ex. You awakend my heart and stimulated my mind. You were there for me and listened to my issues. I will be forever thankful for your friendship. You provided clarity that was only tempered by the confusion I've been dealing with given my situation. This was compounded and complicated by some very strong feelings I have for you. When we first started talking you quickly consumed all of my thoughts and admittedly far too much of my brain space. But the heart wants what it wants.

I never intended for this to happen, and it wasn't the best time or circumstance for us to ever make anything work. It would be obvious to any impartial bystander that you and I are/were like fire and gas. Too alike to get along, but still intensely intrigued and drawn to each other, practicality or sensibility be damned. I think it's for a couple reasons. Perhaps it was partly because we were both looking for somebody to fill an emotional void, or maybe because I dont let most people in so that when somebody like you got through it consumed me. But I dont think of it that way; the energy and feelings were genuine with the issues being more in the way of time, place, and the situations we're in.

Jenna you're an amazing person and although you don't like to hear it, you have a ton of qualities I love in a person. Although you may act mysterious and aloof, you are truly anything but. And despite your best efforts to convince me how horrible your life is or how bad things have been for you, I was never scared away. Ive told you before that you are smart, beautiful, engaging, witty, mysterious, independent, and hard working. But that doesn't do you justice. It doesn't paint the picture of who you really are and I know now that I have misjudged you. To be honest Jenna, given how unstable I am/was I didn't take the time to consider your feelings or your perspective. Combined with your proclivity to take distance from time to time and put the walls up when things get too real, it only made me respect you and want to know you all the more. And I didn't handle that well at all. Maybe you're right and I need therapy.

Whatever the cause for the spark, or the quick fevered pace with which things developed, I fell hard for you. The feelings may not be healthy or frankly wanted right now, but they are real. Since we stopped communicating, you are still in my thoughts. I wonder what you're doing, and miss our ridiculous talks. I miss you sending me music to get through the day and random pictures of your life. I miss hearing about your day, or your life and family. I miss hearing your tired morning voice and most of all, I miss you breaking my balls and challenging me. I still want to break down your defences and hear about how you see the world, how and what you feel and why. I want to explore your thoughts on the world and try and gleen a taste of your perspective. I want to be there for you and not just so I can talk about myself. You're not alone Jenna. This isn't a game for me. You are a special person and you need to let people be there for you from time to time. This is one of the ways we're very similar. As soon as we feel vulnerable, or sense that things could get real, we ghost. But my want to be in your life and be your friend isn't some ploy for more nudes. It's not to get close to you so I can break your heart and ruin your life. It's because I genuinely like you Jenna and care about you as a person. Whatever happens, I will never betray you or your confidence.

I feel like Im rambling so in the end I'm just grateful. Grateful that I met you, grateful that you were there for me at a really tough time in my life, and for the spark you re-lit in my belly that had been squelched for a long time. You actually taught me a lot. That it was okay to pursue tough short term decisions for the sake of long term health and happiness. You helped me see that I had forgotten what it was like to have deep feelings, to yearn, to remember what it's like to delve into the life of a complete stranger and frankly what it's like to have fear and vulnerabilities which was foreign to me. Cruise control is no way to go through life.

I'm not a perfect guy. Far from it. I live with a constant fear of failure and of disappointing my family. I frankly hate myself a lot of the time. What you see as vanity is me compensating for the truly shit station in life I've allowed myself to be mired in for far too long. What you see as me being an ass to people in chat is me venting my anxieties and stress in a very unproductive, unhealthy way.

I can tell you have a ton going on as well. I don't want to assume anything about you or your situation. Or presume to know or understand what you've been through. But I WANT to know. I've wanted to know since we started talking. I think you know you're not really an open book when it comes to your thoughts and feelings, and my first instinct is to respect what you tell me to do in the moment whether it's to leave you alone or fuck off. Sometimes maybe you're needing me to read between the lines. You told me one time that I have to pull you back sometimes and not let you run away. I guess I'm not very good at that.

To wrap it up, I just want to be your friend Jenna. We both know it would never work between us and we'd likely kill eachother. Lol. I kid. But our dynamic would be tough without my issues or the time and distance. I want to be in your life but I completely understand if that is too much for you.

I am here if you ever need somebody to talk to. I am a good friend and good listener if you give me the chance. I didnt mean for this to be a rant from my perspective, but its the only one I have. I want you to share yours.

Well, I hope you find this with an open mind and heart. And that you're feeling better.

Patrick