Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled

1
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,892
Thank you, Nashville!

2
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,771
Thank you.

3
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,399
So this year was a really important year
for me

4
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:07,817
because I got...

5
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:11,738
Thank you.

6
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,032
I appreciate that.

7
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,867
I appreciate that reciprocity.

8
00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,370
I said something positive,
you gave me positivity back.

9
00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,247
I was like, "I got married,"

10
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,291
and you were like,
"That's great. How old is she?"

11
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,013
But like, you went...

12
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,251
...for it.

13
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:27,754
I think sometimes as women

14
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:31,466
we're afraid to share good personal news
with people.

15
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:36,471
Because we're afraid
that other women won't be happy for us.

16
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:37,388
What a scathing note

17
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,474
to start a special out on.

18
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,936
But all too often you say
something good like, "I got married,"

19
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:45,188
- and what I'll get back is like...
- "Amazing."

20
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,067
I am here running on a platform

21
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,403
- to eradicate the usage of the word...
- "amazing"...

22
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,365
...from our female vocabularies

23
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:58,576
because I know what "amazing" means. Okay?

24
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,996
Girls, when you say "amazing,"
I know you don't mean amazing.

25
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,083
- Okay, so save it for your boyfriends.
- They are not paying attention.

26
00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:09,045
I know what amazing means.

27
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,422
When a woman says "amazing,"
what she actually means is,

28
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,986
"This isn't about me
and I don't care and I'm a little insecure

29
00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:16,302
but I wanna make sure
I'm being a good feminist

30
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:18,986
and saying 'amazing' back
when in actuality it's boring." Amazing.

31
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,391
That's what that means.

32
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:22,516
Amazing.

33
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:26,521
We've become like robots just like,
"Amazing, amazing, amaz...

34
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:28,731
Amazing. It's amazing."

35
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,608
Because in the wake of Me Too
and Time's Up,

36
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,278
all of these important,
very necessary movements,

37
00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:36,489
what's come out of it
is women policing other women

38
00:02:36,865 --> 00:02:41,119
and we walk around terrified
as women of being called bad feminists

39
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:43,788
by quite frankly other bad feminists.

40
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,708
So we all walk around
on this heightened alert like,

41
00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:49,831
"She's amazing. I didn't say anything.
Don't get mad at me. I love all women.

42
00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,964
No woman's ever made a mistake.
White jeans are always a great choice.

43
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,008
Slay, queen." Terrified.

44
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:56,091
Terrified.

45
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,642
That if we give an actual opinion,
we're going to get crucified.

46
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,477
That if you say any criticism,

47
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:08,401
some blogger in the back of the room
is like...

48
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:11,191
"Female comic
shamed my choices by existing.

49
00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,484
She hurt my fee-fees."

50
00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,445
That's what happens.

51
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,032
So we all walk around and all we're doing

52
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:21,159
is blaming other women
for our own insecurities

53
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,244
and all of a sudden
everyone's shaming everyone

54
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:27,624
by sharing an opinion that you fought
so valiantly to get to exercise.

55
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,667
"You're shaming her. You're shaming her."

56
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,128
"I'm not. She fucked up my coffee order.

57
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,508
No personal agenda.
I asked her to make it again."

58
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,594
This is why China is beating us.

59
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,179
Okay?

60
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:42,388
I'm a real feminist.

61
00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:45,600
I judge you on the asshole
that you are, we go from there.

62
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:47,393
That's what it should be. Okay?

63
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:50,396
That's what it should be.

64
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:54,651
You liking another woman
should not be mandated.

65
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,611
That's not feminism,
that's communism.

66
00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:57,570
Okay?

67
00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:01,407
This idea that just because she showed up
I'm supposed to have this abundant love,

68
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:03,159
I can promise you this as a feminist.

69
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,536
I'm excited you showed up.
I'm excited you're capable.

70
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,500
I do not hate you
because you're younger than me

71
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,018
or prettier than me or as successful.

72
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,500
However, you showed up and so did I

73
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,623
so let's get it started
'cause life's a competition.

74
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,046
Like, let's do it that way. Okay?

75
00:04:18,716 --> 00:04:20,385
And I know other women feel the same way,

76
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,508
not just because you're laughing
at what I'm saying,

77
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:26,015
but if you look at the language that women
consistently use to uphold one another,

78
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,227
the language is aggressive.
'Cause women are aggressive,

79
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,630
we're just not allowed to show it

80
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,146
because "likability and wrinkles."

81
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,856
So we keep everything...

82
00:04:34,232 --> 00:04:35,149
But we're aggressive,

83
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:39,028
look at the words we use
on our "slay all day" tote bags

84
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,407
and our "feminists with to-do lists"
neckerchiefs.

85
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,242
Look at the words.

86
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,202
"You're killing it."

87
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,912
"I'm gonna kill you."

88
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,793
"She's slaying it."

89
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,878
"I'll slay you
in the fucking streets."

90
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:58,881
"Murdering it." "Wrecking it."

91
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,235
"Shutting it down
in the name of the dark lord!"

92
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:02,459
Like everything.

93
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,223
It's just on fire. It's exhausting.

94
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:11,602
I don't have, at 36, the full energy
every time I see a woman to be like...

95
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,730
"Kill it, queen! Mama.

96
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:14,813
Amazing!"

97
00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:19,152
'Cause I'm so tired from doing
all the other shit society told me to do.

98
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:22,339
So if I see you, you're not going
to get the full welcome bouquet,

99
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:23,239
but it's not personal.

100
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,950
The most you're going to get
out of me is just...

101
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,874
So I got married and I married a chef,

102
00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:35,001
another thing that
I was reticent to tell people

103
00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:39,172
because of our country's
preconceived notions about chefs

104
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,966
and everybody has an opinion on food.

105
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,844
Everyone you know, you say,
"I married a chef." They're like...

106
00:05:44,927 --> 00:05:48,056
"I am a chef, sort of.
I film myself, I make it.

107
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,308
I put my hand in the water!

108
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:53,061
I'm in to cooking.
I have a food blog, I'm a foodie."

109
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,395
Nope, you're just huge.

110
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,707
It's not... you're not a foodie.

111
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,107
It's not the same.

112
00:05:58,733 --> 00:05:59,817
"I love food."

113
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,779
I'm like, "Me too when I'm drunk
at 3:00 a.m. and there's a taco truck,

114
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,631
'I'm a foodie, '
but it's not the same thing."

115
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,407
"No, I have a blog.

116
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,994
I write mean comments in a Yelp page.
I'm hoping to get a series picked up

117
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,621
based off of it.

118
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,499
I love... I take pictures of my spaghetti
with a flash

119
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:16,167
so it looks like a snuff film."

120
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,547
Pro tip: don't take a picture
of your food. Period.

121
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,300
But don't take a picture
of your food with a flash.

122
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,427
It makes the food look like a hostage.

123
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,138
The food always looks scared.

124
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:32,076
Like, take a picture of spaghetti
with a flash, the spaghetti looks like,

125
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,100
it's like, "Please unchain me,
I won't tell anyone.

126
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:36,187
I promise to be loyal."

127
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,732
Everyone's involved with food now.

128
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,902
I think it's because of the Food Network,
the ubiquity of these cooking shows.

129
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,279
Everyone loves cooking
and the Food Network,

130
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,467
even if you haven't seen the Food Network,
you've seen the Food Network, right?

131
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,636
Like, we've all seen <i>Chopped, </i>right?

132
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,495
Yeah.

133
00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:55,554
Inside your wicker basket,
you'll find a severed head and a grape,

134
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:56,749
make a frittata. Yes.

135
00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,711
And everyone's a celebrity chef now.

136
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,339
Everyone's like a "celebrity chef."
You can't just be a chef.

137
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,383
When I was little, I don't remember
any boy saying they wanted to be chefs.

138
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,626
There were no celebrity chefs.

139
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:10,513
There were like a couple of them.
When your parents were kids,

140
00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:12,076
there were like three fat French guys

141
00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,600
and Julia Child and like that was it.

142
00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:18,479
You weren't a chef, you were a cook
and you were a cook on accident.

143
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,883
You were a cook 'cause dudes
were coming home from Vietnam,

144
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,608
we didn't know what PTSD was yet,

145
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,052
they're like, "Bob's acting weird.

146
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,237
Stick him in the back."

147
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,498
"Female comic makes
scathing social commentary

148
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,042
about our nation's treatment of veterans.

149
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:41,752
Accurate but hurtful."

150
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,805
And because of how many food shows
there are out there,

151
00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,242
the Food Network knows
what kind of chefs you like to watch,

152
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,977
so they cast the same archetypes
of chefs, right?

153
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,313
So there's always like a "bad boy" chef

154
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,191
and I didn't want people to think
I was married to that.

155
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:08,279
Like just a sack of rage,
fully tattooed piece of shit.

156
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,449
"This is a devil's tooth,
here's your crepe, suck my dick, Karen!

157
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:14,827
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

158
00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:16,662
These are gauges in my ears,

159
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,066
they also measure out an ounce
of responsibly-sourced tuna,

160
00:08:19,123 --> 00:08:20,791
eat my butt, Susan!

161
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,186
Just tough.

162
00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,670
Yeah, wallet chain.

163
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,674
I keep a knife in my truck
to do a fine chop on parsley,

164
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,177
lick it. Just tough."

165
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,889
There's always a bad boy chef
and there's always a lesbian chef.

166
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,267
There's always a lesbian chef

167
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:42,313
that takes cooking, like,
a little too seriously...

168
00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:43,636
...for this to be

169
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,150
an enjoyable viewing experience.
They're always posted up,

170
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,194
- feet hip-width apart, like...
- "Yes, chef!"

171
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,070
You're like, "Okay.

172
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,993
Can you just stand down?

173
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:59,747
Thank you for your dinner service,
but just relax."

174
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,000
"I make vegan wedding cakes."

175
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,294
"You need to chill out."

176
00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:07,213
This is so aggressive, right?

177
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,297
They're always tough.

178
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:11,509
She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna.

179
00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:14,095
And food-related tattoos.

180
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:16,806
Like salt, pepper, sugar.
Like, yeah.

181
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:23,813
Right? They're always like meaty.

182
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,065
Always a...
Always a little mean-looking, right,

183
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:28,109
but she always got
a dainty name, like "Charity"

184
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:31,279
'cause her parents weren't counting
on having a pit bull for a daughter.

185
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,060
"Chef Charity, what would you do
if you won today's episode?"

186
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,170
"I would take that money
so me and my girlfriend, Steph..."

187
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,675
It's always Steph.

188
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,422
There's no tough lesbians
out there like, "Hey there.

189
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,014
Stephanie."

190
00:09:59,473 --> 00:10:01,726
"Me and my girlfriend,
Steph, take that money,

191
00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,770
move upstate, open up our own bakery
and bake everything from snatch."

192
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,314
And then...

193
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,649
Okay. Okay.

194
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:12,028
There you are. There you are.

195
00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:18,075
Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we?

196
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,997
I always like to see where my audience
has like gerrymandered its ethics

197
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,249
for the evening's performance.

198
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,712
Most of you laugh, there's always
a couple people in the back, like...

199
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,964
"She said snatch
so close to Sunday.

200
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:34,841
No.

201
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,468
No, ma'am.

202
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:44,727
I am uncomfortable.

203
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:47,104
It's unholy.

204
00:10:47,229 --> 00:10:51,233
We got four churches on every corner,
but I feel uncomfortable."

205
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,370
"Female comic makes commentary
on social topography of neighborhood,

206
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,955
"can't tell what audience
is cheering for." Okay...

207
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,084
So we went on our honeymoon

208
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,836
and my husband really wanted
to go to Italy.

209
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,089
Really wanted to go. I didn't want to go.

210
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,194
I didn't want to go 'cause I'd been.
I wanted to go other places,

211
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,306
but he wanted to go because he's a chef
and Italy is like a food mecca,

212
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,808
so he wanted to make his hajj.

213
00:11:23,891 --> 00:11:26,852
So he wanted to go to Italy
and I said yes, not because I love him

214
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,605
but because you can find alcohol
pretty much anywhere.

215
00:11:31,732 --> 00:11:33,693
So we go and he nerded out.

216
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,405
He made a map,
a real eat-seeking map of the whole...

217
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,823
...country.

218
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:43,160
And we didn't do the tourist stuff.
We went to like the foodie, cheffy places.

219
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,455
We went to the region where they grow
the grapes that the goats eat.

220
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,059
The special goats and they take a dump

221
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,709
and it makes the fertilizer

222
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,336
that makes the mushrooms.
If you eat them, you get detained.

223
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:55,089
Like we did a whole thing.

224
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:58,759
And on, like, day five,

225
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,220
I was like, "I can't...
I can't do this anymore.

226
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:03,180
I can't eat any more.

227
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,640
I want to pick something.

228
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,351
I cannot be carted around anymore
like a prize pig.

229
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,675
I want to pick...

230
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,522
I want to participate in this.
I want to pick the restaurant

231
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,482
and I want to order in Italian."

232
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,819
My husband goes, "You want to pick
the restaurant and order in Italian?"

233
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:18,782
I was like, "Yeah,
I've seen <i>Lady and the Tramp,</i>

234
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:21,021
like, I know what's going on."

235
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:26,471
The picking of the restaurant
wasn't that important to me.

236
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:30,249
It was speaking Italian in a restaurant
was important to me for one simple fact.

237
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,668
I didn't like the idea that as an American

238
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:36,130
I would walk into some random part
of Italy into a random restaurant

239
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:40,009
and have some random Italian waiter
think that I expected him,

240
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,553
in his own country,
to speak English, okay?

241
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:44,013
Yeah.

242
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,579
Although he probably should,
like that or Spanish or Mandarin,

243
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,646
like something along those... So...

244
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,441
But I'm hyperaware
of how we're perceived when we travel.

245
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:59,361
As an American and I am very,
very proud to be an American,

246
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,197
I know that people are watching us.

247
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,960
Yeah, you can cheer for that. That's fine.

248
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,910
They have questions.

249
00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:07,036
A lot of them hate us

250
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,205
'cause they ain't us and they want...

251
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:12,625
...a reason to discount you
and that goes for whoever you are,

252
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:14,251
whatever you look like from anywhere.

253
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,754
When you travel abroad and you fuck up,

254
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:20,633
people will decide,
"Oh, all of your kind are like that."

255
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:23,928
And I couldn't stomach that
'cause I am so proud to be an American

256
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:26,448
and I wanted him to think
all the great things about Americans

257
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,992
that we already think about ourselves.

258
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,177
So I wanted...

259
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:33,646
...to walk in and have him think
that we're educated and open-minded

260
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,607
and kind and if I'm shitcanned
and embarrassing in public,

261
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,193
I want people to know
I'm Canadian and I'm sorry.

262
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,409
So I'm all set to speak Italian.

263
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,453
I've got the, like, translator thing.

264
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:50,621
I'm all ready to go,

265
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,304
he hands me a menu
and it's a steakhouse.

266
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,559
I'm like, "I'm gonna do this.
It'll be flawless Italian.

267
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,583
It'll be so impressive.
Everyone will be impressed.

268
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,671
They're gonna vote me mayor of Italy.
Open it up..."

269
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:02,424
And I open the menu and all
of their steaks were listed...

270
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,884
...in grams.

271
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,729
There's a 500 gram steak.
What the fuck is a gram?

272
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:21,068
I was so busy

273
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:26,407
focusing on coming off looking amazing
and the conjugation and the pronunciation,

274
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:28,117
I forgot the rest of the world

275
00:14:28,242 --> 00:14:30,703
uses metric to measure.

276
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,539
The rest of the world uses fucking logic.

277
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:38,043
Tens, one hundreds. Yes!

278
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,592
We here in the United States,

279
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:47,678
- we like to measure based...
- ...on a dream.

280
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,808
And I'm staring at this 500 gram steak

281
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,328
and the waiter's looking at me,
my new husband's looking at me

282
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,605
and I'm trying to do
the conversion math in my head

283
00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,857
where my only frame of reference was like,

284
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:02,443
"Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine
is like that much."

285
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:28,510
Okay, you know what? We're just gonna do
an eight ball of steak.

286
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,221
For the table.

287
00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,766
Yeah.

288
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:34,850
Thank you.

289
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,271
<i>Grazie mille.</i>

290
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,692
I love it, Nashville turned up
for that cocaine joke.

291
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,237
Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing.

292
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,365
"Don't let the Vineyard Vines fool you,

293
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:50,741
I fucking love rails!

294
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,747
I may have little whales
embroidered on my shorts

295
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:59,041
but I like to fuck and party.

296
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:02,336
Yeah. You can seersucker my dick."

297
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,047
Love the South.

298
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,369
So I got married about a year ago.

299
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:13,347
I've had about a year to think on it,
ruminate on it, marinate on it,

300
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,600
and I think what's fascinating
about getting married is

301
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,645
it's one of the few acts
you can go through in this lifetime

302
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,899
where once you do it once
you come out the other end an expert.

303
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,194
Totally omniscient, you know everything.

304
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,780
You do it once,
you come out the other end,

305
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:31,865
you know everything about weddings,
every detail.

306
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,660
The problem is nobody wants
your shitty wedding advice.

307
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:36,996
Like no one.

308
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:40,541
Other women will ask you advice
as a way of ingratiating themselves

309
00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,084
or perhaps bonding with you.

310
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,287
We as women are often taught

311
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,055
if we act like we don't know
what's going on

312
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,368
and we need help
other people will find us more palatable.

313
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,023
- So you say to other women, like...
- "You got married?

314
00:16:50,092 --> 00:16:52,052
I'm getting married.
I don't know what's going on.

315
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:54,930
What color is white?
Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!"

316
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,685
And the other woman
thinking she's helping you

317
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:00,808
and doing something right,

318
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,896
she's like, "Oh, okay.
You want advice, great.

319
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,691
Okay, so for my wedding,
what I found helpful..."

320
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:08,652
But the whole time she's talking,
all you're sitting there thinking is,

321
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,256
"Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding,
you're a dumb hooker."

322
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,760
The whole time.

323
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:14,533
Yeah.

324
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:18,829
Because every girl thinks
every other girl kind of fucked it up

325
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:20,664
and you'll do better.

326
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,042
You won't, and on that note,

327
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,212
I've come humbly offering
some wedding advice to you, Nashville.

328
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,594
One thing you must know,

329
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:37,056
the wedding industry is not designed
to bring two loving souls together

330
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,724
under the State and/or God,

331
00:17:38,807 --> 00:17:41,018
it is designed to extract
your money from your wallet,

332
00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:44,605
pit you against other women
and make you feel like garbage fire.

333
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:47,316
That's what it's there for. Okay?

334
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:52,946
There's a litany of requirements,
social, cultural, traditional.

335
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,283
All these things, everything's got
a price tag, everything takes up time

336
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:58,595
and I'll tell you what,
I paid for my wedding personally.

337
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,537
So you can best believe
I took a red Sharpie

338
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,039
and went down that list of bullshit

339
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,002
and if it didn't involve me
taking off my shoes,

340
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,841
drinking tequila
or listening to Garth Brooks,

341
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,211
we did not fucking do it.

342
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,589
Yes.

343
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:19,890
That's right, Nashville.

344
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,476
The theme of my wedding was feminism.

345
00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:24,311
No one had a good time.

346
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,525
But there's all these things,
all these requirements,

347
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:31,008
all these traditions, these things,

348
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,363
and I took a comedian's
microscopic lens to each thing

349
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,326
and was like,
"Is it weird? We're not doing it."

350
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,534
So the first thing I refused to do,

351
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:41,537
I would not wear a garter, okay?

352
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,748
Okay. Okay.

353
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,751
Some of you cheered,

354
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,796
some of you were like,
"I'm still wearing mine. What's up?

355
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,399
What the fuck is up, Hollywood?"

356
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,219
I'm glad that not everyone
cheered for that

357
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,429
because it sets up
my next point perfectly.

358
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:00,347
Okay?

359
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:02,150
It's important to me
that me and my audience

360
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,768
be on the same mental page
for the rest of the set.

361
00:19:04,852 --> 00:19:07,062
Okay, right now in 2019,

362
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,731
more than it was
five minutes ago, right now,

363
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:13,193
it's the best time it's ever been
to be a woman in most states.

364
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,653
It's the best time.

365
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,071
I said it, I meant it.

366
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:18,407
The best time. Okay?

367
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,161
But overall,

368
00:19:22,619 --> 00:19:26,123
we are the most heard, the loudest
in our message, the most unified.

369
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:30,085
However, with this newfound sense
of feminism, I have noticed

370
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:34,548
that there's this weird splinter-faction
of feminists, of women who get angry

371
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:38,468
at other women when they deign
to disagree with an opinion

372
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:40,352
and then it's not enough
to agree to disagree.

373
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:41,597
They want you fucking dead.

374
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,765
I am talking drawn and quartered

375
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,559
in a Twitter town square.

376
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,354
Because you hurt their feelings.

377
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,898
So I get up here... As a joke.

378
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:51,899
No harm intended.

379
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,025
It's a funny time,

380
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,748
and I get up here and I'm like,
"Don't wear a garter, it's trashy,"

381
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:57,817
and I get that same blogger
in the back of the room,

382
00:19:57,863 --> 00:20:00,574
like, "Female comic shamed
my wedding-day choices

383
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:03,285
and I don't have the social wherewithal
to confront her in person

384
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,088
so I'm just going to hurl
these insult turds

385
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,456
from behind a faceless avatar."

386
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,459
So...

387
00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,628
So,

388
00:20:13,962 --> 00:20:16,381
since we're all so hurt
and gutless all the time,

389
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,634
I'm going to stick to my initial notion.

390
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,719
You look like a saloon hooker.

391
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:23,137
Okay?

392
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,351
Go get married at a Six Flags.

393
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,649
Girls, there's got to be a middle ground
where someone disagrees with you

394
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,609
and you get the fuck over it.

395
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,861
Okay? You don't have to hate her.

396
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,656
Don't have to hold on to it.

397
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,495
One woman's affirmation
of her life choices

398
00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:48,288
is not the negation of your existence.

399
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,374
Be better than that. Okay?

400
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:51,457
Yeah.

401
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:54,962
We can't walk around

402
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,463
calling ourselves queens.

403
00:20:56,546 --> 00:20:59,299
"I'm a queen. She doesn't like my top!"

404
00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:01,468
Who cares? Move the fuck on.

405
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:03,303
And you know who does this better? Men.

406
00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:05,555
They agree to disagree
all the time and they're fine.

407
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:06,847
You see it all the time.

408
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:09,977
Guy's like, "He's my best friend.
I don't like his politics and he's stupid.

409
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,937
He's a son of a bitch, but...

410
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:14,703
I love him. We didn't get along at first.

411
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,483
We went out back.
We had a drink. We fought.

412
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,527
We had a little bit of sex
and we were good to go.

413
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:19,890
Good to go!"

414
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,287
That's what we must do, girls.
Just move on.

415
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,349
You want to wear a garter, wear it.
I'm not going to be at your wedding,

416
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,373
you wear it with pride.

417
00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:34,084
I want to see...

418
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:37,212
I want to see every one
of your wedding pictures,

419
00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:40,299
you, garter on, dress hiked up,
holding a shotgun, like...

420
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:49,850
$5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that's...

421
00:21:49,933 --> 00:21:51,184
Remember sepia tone?

422
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:53,895
What's a garter?

423
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,397
Some of you might be wondering.

424
00:21:57,024 --> 00:22:00,235
Perhaps you're from the future
where they've eradicated this practice.

425
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,655
A garter is

426
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:06,158
a Barbie doll scrunchie...

427
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,247
...forged of the finest polyester lace.

428
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,460
Comes in one size.

429
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:20,922
Shame.

430
00:22:23,633 --> 00:22:26,386
And you, on your wedding day,

431
00:22:26,928 --> 00:22:29,222
among the one million things
you're in charge of, girls,

432
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:32,976
are also tasked with taking
this fucking NuvaRing...

433
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,192
...and hoisting it up your leg.

434
00:22:40,275 --> 00:22:42,611
God forbid on the wedding day

435
00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:45,447
we give women a break
with the body-image issues.

436
00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,117
And be like,
"Oh, what? That goose-choker?

437
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:54,623
That lap-band for a chinchilla?
Yeah, you could just...

438
00:22:56,917 --> 00:22:59,836
You can just wear that
at the ankle, that's fine.

439
00:23:00,545 --> 00:23:02,506
You can just wear that
where everything tapers."

440
00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:05,717
"No! You got to get it up.
Get it up here."

441
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:08,053
To this thick-ass traffic jam.

442
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,357
Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner,

443
00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:21,900
just thick.

444
00:23:22,317 --> 00:23:25,237
I live in L.A. They're like, "You can
freeze it off if you don't like it."

445
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:26,960
I'm like,
"I've done North Dakota winters.

446
00:23:27,030 --> 00:23:29,199
It did not go anywhere."

447
00:23:31,451 --> 00:23:35,163
"Female comic shames her own thigh
and in doing so makes millions of women

448
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,665
question their own thighs.

449
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,166
Why can't you love your thighs?"

450
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:41,086
Because I am a white woman, okay?

451
00:23:41,169 --> 00:23:42,796
We don't know.

452
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:44,625
We haven't figured that out.

453
00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:48,677
Women of color for a couple years now
have been like, "This is a thigh."

454
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,114
And society's been like,
"That is a thigh. We celebrate it."

455
00:23:51,138 --> 00:23:52,764
White women somehow,

456
00:23:52,848 --> 00:23:55,016
we're still like,
"Uh-uh, I'm gonna shave it down.

457
00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:56,620
I'm gonna make it small.

458
00:24:02,065 --> 00:24:03,191
Be small.

459
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,570
I'm gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin.

460
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,373
Be cage and shin. Snip, snip.

461
00:24:08,738 --> 00:24:09,781
You won't even see it.

462
00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:12,492
I'm the crab woman.
You won't even know it.

463
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:15,579
No thighs, can't see them. Can't be big.

464
00:24:15,662 --> 00:24:18,182
No thighs. If I walk,
I'm gonna put my thighs in the background,

465
00:24:18,206 --> 00:24:20,959
put my tits in the foreground
and walk around like this.

466
00:24:29,509 --> 00:24:30,427
From here to here,

467
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,597
I am a woman, but from here to here
I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy.

468
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:34,556
Thin!"

469
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,573
And it never looks nice.

470
00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:53,867
Your leg has to be the length
of your body...

471
00:24:53,950 --> 00:24:55,619
...for it to look nice.

472
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:57,537
You look down,
you finally get it up there,

473
00:24:57,621 --> 00:25:00,957
you're like, "It looks like I put
a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham.

474
00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,631
It hurts."

475
00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:09,882
And it's tight.

476
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:11,343
Of course, it's tight.

477
00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:14,304
It's a garter.
It's meant to hold up clothing.

478
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:17,599
And right now all it's holding up
is that blood flow.

479
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:21,199
Blood, like, trying to get to the artery.

480
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,228
You're like...

481
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:24,397
Your skin is just...

482
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:28,860
...MoonPieing out on either side.

483
00:25:31,446 --> 00:25:33,865
You're staring down at your corpulent leg

484
00:25:33,949 --> 00:25:35,659
as it pulsates.

485
00:25:36,117 --> 00:25:37,953
With stagnant blood.

486
00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:39,853
It's turning a light shade of blue.

487
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:42,249
You're like,
"I'm the night queen. I don't know.

488
00:25:42,332 --> 00:25:44,042
What is this?"

489
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,171
You don't have time to ponder
the deadening of your leg.

490
00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:50,425
You don't have time.
You got to get yourself over

491
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:52,267
to the dance floor, sweet tits.
That's right.

492
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:54,678
You gotta get yourself
over to the dance floor

493
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:58,598
where you and your new husband
are going to perform a weird,

494
00:25:58,682 --> 00:26:02,727
sexual garter-removal dance...

495
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,814
...in front of your family!

496
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,572
Your mother is there!

497
00:26:13,863 --> 00:26:16,866
You're sitting there spread-eagle,
she's like, "I'll get it on tape,

498
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,786
I'll be there for the conception.
This is excellent."

499
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:22,205
Your father is there
and he loves you, girls,

500
00:26:22,289 --> 00:26:25,169
- but he is tapped out. He's like...
- "Yeah, fuck her, I don't know.

501
00:26:32,465 --> 00:26:34,551
He's a good guy and this is good shrimp.

502
00:26:36,344 --> 00:26:38,638
It's good shrimp.
It's a cash bar, but they're trying."

503
00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,311
So you got to get over there
for that dance.

504
00:26:44,436 --> 00:26:45,604
So you go to the dance floor,

505
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:49,190
you drag your now purple...

506
00:26:49,357 --> 00:26:50,442
...stump

507
00:26:52,402 --> 00:26:54,112
over to...

508
00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:56,781
...a single chair.

509
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,492
A single chair

510
00:27:00,619 --> 00:27:04,247
that has been ominously placed
in the center of the dance floor.

511
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:08,168
You are meant to sit in this chair...

512
00:27:09,753 --> 00:27:10,879
...my child.

513
00:27:12,714 --> 00:27:14,883
Sit down.

514
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:19,679
And you're like, "Sit, okay. I wasn't
planning on enjoying myself, but okay."

515
00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:24,351
Sit in the chair? Well,
that's easier said than done, isn't it?

516
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,978
'Cause you're a bride like me
or a bride that chose a dress

517
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:28,980
that was form over function.

518
00:27:29,105 --> 00:27:30,982
Your dress is tight.

519
00:27:31,066 --> 00:27:33,109
You're a bride like me
that perhaps chose a dress

520
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,945
that was a size,
maybe half a size too small, right?

521
00:27:36,279 --> 00:27:38,439
'Cause you told yourself
you were gonna lose the weight

522
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:40,690
for the wedding,
but you didn't lose the weight, did ya?

523
00:27:40,784 --> 00:27:42,160
No.

524
00:27:42,243 --> 00:27:44,829
No, in fact,
you gained two pounds just trying.

525
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,073
Yeah.

526
00:27:46,956 --> 00:27:50,710
So that dress is tight and you are trying
to make yourself thin and compact

527
00:27:50,794 --> 00:27:52,003
in the moment, right?

528
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,297
You got all your carry-on luggage up here.

529
00:27:56,508 --> 00:27:59,052
Trying to extend the torso,
tuck in the tailbone,

530
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:01,554
protecting the spine, moving with breath.

531
00:28:01,638 --> 00:28:04,307
All the way down, slowly, slowly.

532
00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:05,767
You're like that goat in the cage

533
00:28:05,850 --> 00:28:07,977
in that first <i>Jurassic Park </i>like...

534
00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:14,776
How does she work that noise
into every special?

535
00:28:21,032 --> 00:28:24,994
Slowly lowering yourself down,
praying to God that you don't experience

536
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:28,873
the one female-specific sartorial mishap
there's no coming back from.

537
00:28:29,165 --> 00:28:31,894
When you're a woman, there's a lot
that can go wrong. You snap a heel.

538
00:28:31,918 --> 00:28:33,718
You have an accident on your period.

539
00:28:33,753 --> 00:28:35,004
Your bra strap, whatever.

540
00:28:35,088 --> 00:28:39,008
But none is more embarrassing
than the horror

541
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:43,680
of going to sit down
and having the back of your dress

542
00:28:43,763 --> 00:28:44,848
burst open.

543
00:28:49,352 --> 00:28:52,564
'Cause it couldn't contain your lady meat.

544
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,113
You won't like me when I'm married.

545
00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,495
I don't think the Hulk threw his shit,
but...

546
00:29:07,579 --> 00:29:09,998
...this Hulk does.

547
00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:14,252
So you finally sit down, right?
You go down to the hem of your skirt,

548
00:29:14,335 --> 00:29:16,921
it's time to show off
that $2.45 investment, right?

549
00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:18,381
You gotta show off that garter.

550
00:29:18,465 --> 00:29:20,717
You go to lift up the hem
and that's when you realize

551
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,510
you only put on fake tanner to the knee.

552
00:29:25,847 --> 00:29:27,056
I'll be brave.

553
00:29:27,724 --> 00:29:29,768
Blinded... No!

554
00:29:30,977 --> 00:29:33,480
So you put your little white-orange
Dreamsicle leg out there.

555
00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:35,981
Right?

556
00:29:36,524 --> 00:29:37,942
And you sit there and you wait

557
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:42,280
and I believe what is to come next
is ostensibly your first real test

558
00:29:42,363 --> 00:29:43,656
as a married couple.

559
00:29:43,948 --> 00:29:46,326
But, of course,
the onus is on the woman to pass this test

560
00:29:46,409 --> 00:29:51,831
because it's on you, girls, to sit there
and remain facially-excited...

561
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:56,044
...and turned on
at your new choice in mate,

562
00:29:56,127 --> 00:30:01,299
as your new husband emerges
from the smoke of the DJ lights.

563
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:16,707
- And you're just sitting there like...
- "That's my baby.

564
00:30:16,731 --> 00:30:19,776
That's who I might have a family with."

565
00:30:19,859 --> 00:30:22,237
His tuxedo jacket is off,
so you as the bride

566
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:25,240
are treated to this sweat map
of South America.

567
00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:30,912
And you have to sit there

568
00:30:30,995 --> 00:30:34,749
ladylike but also excited,
but also demure, but also horny.

569
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:36,334
And sit there

570
00:30:36,626 --> 00:30:39,128
while your new husband
goes under your dress...

571
00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:42,257
This is the most expensive dress
you're probably ever going to wear.

572
00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:44,384
...and he's rooting around under it.

573
00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:48,179
Like a ghost schnauzer.

574
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:53,768
You're like, "That's my husband."

575
00:30:54,435 --> 00:30:56,938
He now must remove the garter

576
00:30:57,355 --> 00:31:01,609
but according to weird wedding tradition
he's not allowed to use his hands.

577
00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:03,486
- What must he use, Nashville?
- Teeth!

578
00:31:08,616 --> 00:31:12,495
So he gets under there,
slides his five-o'clock shadow...

579
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:18,751
...up your five-o'clock shadow.

580
00:31:26,509 --> 00:31:31,055
The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir
with Bath & Body Works Plumeria.

581
00:31:34,100 --> 00:31:36,519
Gets up here around this side hustle.

582
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:43,860
Clamps down on that garter
with, let's hope, wolf-like precision.

583
00:31:49,324 --> 00:31:52,118
Slides it down
your sweaty fucking ham hock...

584
00:31:56,122 --> 00:31:57,457
...to the ground

585
00:31:58,625 --> 00:31:59,626
and then he eats it.

586
00:31:59,709 --> 00:32:01,309
I don't know what happens.

587
00:32:01,336 --> 00:32:03,254
I've never watched the full YouTube video.

588
00:32:03,338 --> 00:32:05,256
Okay.

589
00:32:08,259 --> 00:32:10,386
So, no garter.

590
00:32:12,305 --> 00:32:15,099
And I did not want to wear a veil

591
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:16,893
over my face.

592
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:18,560
It's okay.

593
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,730
Piercing deafening silence.

594
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:25,485
One sad "whoo" in the back, it's fine.

595
00:32:26,152 --> 00:32:28,154
One girl's like,
"Whoo, I'm still gonna do it."

596
00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:35,870
That's fine.
You'll get on board eventually.

597
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:41,542
I don't like the idea that as a...

598
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:45,463
What I want...

599
00:32:58,518 --> 00:33:01,688
I don't like the notion that because
I'm a woman and it's tradition,

600
00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:04,232
my vision of a current situation...

601
00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:05,875
...let alone an important one...

602
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:09,070
...should ever be obfuscated

603
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,572
in the name of tradition,
expectation or fashion.

604
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:13,157
Okay, I can't see.

605
00:33:16,244 --> 00:33:17,453
This is an important day

606
00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:19,137
and I'm fucking over here
like John Cena.

607
00:33:19,163 --> 00:33:21,582
"You Can't See Me." What is this?

608
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,252
Watching the whole thing through gauze?

609
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:26,587
I planned...

610
00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:30,466
I planned this part of the wedding.
I planned the whole wedding, okay?

611
00:33:30,550 --> 00:33:33,470
If you're a girl, you had a lot to do
with it and you don't get to see it.

612
00:33:33,511 --> 00:33:34,929
Homeboy did nothing.

613
00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:40,435
And because he's a boy,
he gets an unencumbered 360-view

614
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:41,728
of the entire service.

615
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:44,981
I'm sitting here in a bridal hurt locker.

616
00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:50,486
The girl did everything.

617
00:33:50,570 --> 00:33:52,655
"Female comic assumes gender-roles."

618
00:33:52,739 --> 00:33:56,659
Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth
for this kind of bullshit.

619
00:33:57,702 --> 00:33:59,120
She did everything.

620
00:34:05,668 --> 00:34:08,355
You're the one that for the past year
has been clawing at your mother

621
00:34:08,379 --> 00:34:11,174
like, "It's buttercream,
not French vanilla, there's a difference!"

622
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:12,967
You're the one doing it.

623
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:15,803
Put the veil over the boy,
he doesn't care.

624
00:34:20,516 --> 00:34:21,392
He doesn't care.

625
00:34:21,476 --> 00:34:23,853
He doesn't care about the details.
He loves you.

626
00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:27,190
Okay, he bought the ring.
He asked you to spend his life with him.

627
00:34:27,273 --> 00:34:29,442
It's enough, put the veil over the cage

628
00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:30,777
like a blanket over a parrot.

629
00:34:30,860 --> 00:34:33,112
Night-night.

630
00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:35,865
Polly go night-night.

631
00:34:36,616 --> 00:34:38,701
And then when it comes
for the important part,

632
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:40,912
like, "Do you take this woman?"
"Polly does."

633
00:34:40,995 --> 00:34:43,039
Put it back down. It's fine.

634
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,124
He doesn't care.

635
00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:50,379
Put a game on in there like, "Bye-bye."

636
00:34:50,797 --> 00:34:53,007
He doesn't care.
No man cares. He loves you.

637
00:34:53,091 --> 00:34:55,372
He thinks you're beautiful,
wants to marry you. That's it.

638
00:34:55,426 --> 00:34:57,929
No man cares.
You're sitting there shrouded in mystery.

639
00:34:58,012 --> 00:34:59,847
No man's ever going
to be standing there like,

640
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:02,826
"I know you can't see this,
but I'll tell you what. You were right,

641
00:35:02,850 --> 00:35:05,103
peonies were an excellent filler flower."

642
00:35:06,354 --> 00:35:08,874
- And you're sitting there like...
- "Describe it to me.

643
00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:19,659
I wish to know.

644
00:35:20,451 --> 00:35:23,162
Is my sister here? Does she look jealous?

645
00:35:28,918 --> 00:35:31,921
I'm just a humble beekeeper
but one day..."

646
00:35:38,177 --> 00:35:40,763
Moreover, I think it's creepy.

647
00:35:41,097 --> 00:35:44,392
I think there's something
a little eerie about a bride.

648
00:35:44,475 --> 00:35:49,355
If I describe to you a bride
independent of the context of a wedding...

649
00:36:10,585 --> 00:36:14,213
<i>♪ Be mine forever ♪</i>

650
00:36:23,931 --> 00:36:26,809
Till death do us part.

651
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:35,943
The pace with which the bride walks
is unnerving, right?

652
00:36:45,745 --> 00:36:48,164
You don't tend to see this gait

653
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,292
independent of a haunting.

654
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:59,550
However, the bride moving slowly
is the least creepy of the options

655
00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,194
because let me ask you this, Nashville.

656
00:37:01,219 --> 00:37:02,803
What's creepier, okay?

657
00:37:02,887 --> 00:37:04,222
A veiled woman

658
00:37:05,765 --> 00:37:08,684
walking towards you at this pace?

659
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:13,147
Or this running at you?

660
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,110
"What happened to that bride?"

661
00:37:27,161 --> 00:37:29,163
"I don't know.
She jumped into that mirror."

662
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:39,799
I don't want to cover my face. Two hours
in hair and makeup just to be like...

663
00:37:39,882 --> 00:37:41,722
"All right,
let's get you covered up.

664
00:37:44,220 --> 00:37:45,346
Cover that shit."

665
00:37:48,224 --> 00:37:49,809
I would have worn the veil over my face

666
00:37:49,892 --> 00:37:52,186
if it was, like,
really important to my mom.

667
00:37:52,395 --> 00:37:54,563
Like if that meant everything to her.

668
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:56,983
I would have done it if she begged me.

669
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:59,568
If she was like,
"I wore the... I covered my shit and...

670
00:38:00,569 --> 00:38:02,631
And your grandma covered her face
and your grandpa...

671
00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:03,735
We're a progressive family.

672
00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:05,658
...he covered his face."

673
00:38:06,617 --> 00:38:10,579
I would have done it,
but I would have had a 'tude about it.

674
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:12,915
I would've put the flap down...

675
00:38:15,376 --> 00:38:17,753
...and be like, "You may kiss the bride."

676
00:38:18,170 --> 00:38:20,730
Then he'd lift it, I'd be like,
"You know it's me, motherfucker."

677
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:36,896
Yeah.

678
00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,608
You know it's me, we Ubered here together.

679
00:38:41,152 --> 00:38:42,903
I watched you hit "Split Fare."

680
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:44,739
You know it's me.

681
00:38:51,954 --> 00:38:54,081
Unpopular opinion,
actually popular opinion,

682
00:38:54,165 --> 00:38:56,876
just unpopular
publicly-declared sentiment,

683
00:38:56,959 --> 00:38:58,502
getting married is not that much fun.

684
00:38:59,086 --> 00:39:00,671
Yeah.

685
00:39:01,088 --> 00:39:02,328
You're not allowed to say that,

686
00:39:02,381 --> 00:39:04,967
especially if you're a woman,
God forbid, over 30.

687
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:07,928
"Well, you're just lucky
that the Lord sent you someone...

688
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,015
...to put up with your shit.

689
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:14,977
Kissing your dog on the mouth.
Stop taking videos."

690
00:39:20,107 --> 00:39:22,627
There is a world where you can admit
that something is difficult

691
00:39:22,651 --> 00:39:24,236
but also love the byproduct of it.

692
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:27,698
I love my husband,
but the wedding part is exhausting.

693
00:39:27,823 --> 00:39:32,078
It is a physical and mental
and financial just gauntlet.

694
00:39:32,328 --> 00:39:34,747
Even down to the last minute,
the wedding itself.

695
00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,791
The whole year is exhausting planning it.

696
00:39:36,874 --> 00:39:39,460
- It's fun, you love your mom.
- But it's a whole thing.

697
00:39:39,835 --> 00:39:41,938
But even just the day of.
Let's talk about the day of.

698
00:39:41,962 --> 00:39:44,107
What happened on the day
of your wedding, girls, right?

699
00:39:44,131 --> 00:39:46,509
You had to prepare for it,
like you woke up early.

700
00:39:46,592 --> 00:39:48,469
Just want to greet the sun.

701
00:39:52,139 --> 00:39:54,767
Got up at like 6:00,
like when your dad gets up.

702
00:39:57,353 --> 00:40:00,314
Right? What, did you meditate?
"I just want to be centered."

703
00:40:00,398 --> 00:40:03,734
Right? You worked out
like it matters the day of. It doesn't.

704
00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:07,405
It doesn't. You're not going
to lose any weight at the buzzer.

705
00:40:07,488 --> 00:40:09,466
It's not going to...

706
00:40:09,490 --> 00:40:10,866
It's never going to happen.

707
00:40:12,034 --> 00:40:12,868
What did you do?

708
00:40:12,952 --> 00:40:15,830
You did your little workout
and then you got your makeup done

709
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:19,708
and your nails and a massage
and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber

710
00:40:19,792 --> 00:40:20,792
and a hyper...

711
00:40:20,876 --> 00:40:22,420
hyperbolic chamber.

712
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:23,670
Amazing.

713
00:40:23,754 --> 00:40:27,383
And you got a situation room
and a silence cone

714
00:40:27,466 --> 00:40:30,052
and a shame corner and a Reiki healing.

715
00:40:30,636 --> 00:40:32,636
And you went ghost hunting,
you did all this stuff.

716
00:40:36,225 --> 00:40:37,985
What did your husband do
on your wedding day?

717
00:40:38,060 --> 00:40:40,771
I'll tell you, he woke up like whenever.

718
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:43,718
Went out to eat with his buddies.

719
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:45,526
"Something tasty,
doesn't matter if I'm fat

720
00:40:45,609 --> 00:40:47,153
'cause I'm a funny guy." Went...

721
00:40:50,322 --> 00:40:51,782
Who cares if it's bloated?

722
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:54,743
Right, then he went and got a haircut...

723
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:57,246
...on the day of the wedding!
Are you kidding me?

724
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,421
What faith you have in this barber.

725
00:41:07,256 --> 00:41:08,632
Went out, had a drink,

726
00:41:08,716 --> 00:41:12,136
went home, jerked off, took a dump.
Who says you can't lose weight?

727
00:41:12,219 --> 00:41:13,280
Right, fellas?

728
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:14,930
Who says you can't lose weight day of?

729
00:41:15,014 --> 00:41:16,891
Yeah.

730
00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:20,227
Yeah, probably about 500 grams.

731
00:41:23,397 --> 00:41:28,611
He took a nap, he woke up
to an alarm labeled "Wedding for you?"

732
00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:30,279
He barely made it.

733
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:36,035
The bride, it just doesn't seem
like the bride is having as much fun

734
00:41:36,118 --> 00:41:39,038
as everyone else
because she is the one that planned it

735
00:41:39,121 --> 00:41:40,831
and she wants everything to be perfect.

736
00:41:40,915 --> 00:41:43,000
They don't tell you
that when you have a wedding,

737
00:41:43,083 --> 00:41:45,586
you have to plan every moment
because people,

738
00:41:45,669 --> 00:41:47,671
when they get in a group,
it's mob mentality

739
00:41:47,755 --> 00:41:50,132
and they don't think
like they normally would.

740
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:52,301
Okay, so you would think logically,
like...

741
00:41:52,384 --> 00:41:55,596
"We said 'I do' in this room
and that room's got food on tables.

742
00:41:57,181 --> 00:41:59,975
Should go from A to B,
shortest distance. No problem."

743
00:42:00,059 --> 00:42:02,353
People are walking into walls like <i>Sims.</i>

744
00:42:12,738 --> 00:42:15,074
You have to shepherd them.
You have to coordinate it.

745
00:42:15,157 --> 00:42:17,076
Everything you do
has to have coordination.

746
00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:19,513
People have to be let in.
You have to plan for these moments

747
00:42:19,537 --> 00:42:20,371
that seem organic.

748
00:42:20,454 --> 00:42:23,040
I will give you an example.
So, if you're the couple

749
00:42:23,165 --> 00:42:25,085
that wants that moment
where after you say "I do"

750
00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:27,127
and you run out of the religious part

751
00:42:27,211 --> 00:42:30,506
and you get announced
into the room, right?

752
00:42:30,589 --> 00:42:33,842
If you're the couple that wants
to have the DJ to everyone at the party

753
00:42:33,926 --> 00:42:37,263
be like, "For the first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon."

754
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:41,433
Have all your babies, yeah!

755
00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:42,768
If you...

756
00:42:44,061 --> 00:42:46,981
...want that moment,
you have to plan for it.

757
00:42:47,064 --> 00:42:50,234
Meaning, if you want that reveal,
you, after you say "I do,"

758
00:42:50,317 --> 00:42:52,027
have to haul ass out of that room,

759
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:54,363
go to a fucking broom closet
in a Ramada Inn,

760
00:42:54,446 --> 00:42:57,283
sign away your goats,
his chickens, stamp it, kiss me.

761
00:42:57,366 --> 00:43:00,244
Okay, then you go and you take
your couples pictures

762
00:43:00,327 --> 00:43:03,414
and while you're doing that
they're setting up the party room

763
00:43:03,497 --> 00:43:05,708
and you have to provide
a cocktail hour for your guests.

764
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:07,831
So that's three parties.
The party they're going to,

765
00:43:07,876 --> 00:43:09,556
this party and then
the one they had before

766
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,088
'cause they're gonna get liquored up

767
00:43:11,171 --> 00:43:12,798
to listen to "YMCA."

768
00:43:12,923 --> 00:43:15,718
So they're there
and you have to provide that party,

769
00:43:15,801 --> 00:43:18,082
a party that you're paying for
that you're not invited to.

770
00:43:22,141 --> 00:43:24,893
My wedding planner was like,
"So did you want to do,

771
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:27,855
like, an oyster bar for your guests?"

772
00:43:27,938 --> 00:43:29,978
I was like, "Do I get to eat
the delicious oysters?"

773
00:43:30,024 --> 00:43:33,360
She's like, "No, you're going
to be in the closet taking pictures.

774
00:43:34,278 --> 00:43:35,446
You don't get to partake."

775
00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:38,657
I'm like, "Then they can eat corn dogs
and wait in their cars."

776
00:43:38,741 --> 00:43:40,618
Okay.

777
00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:43,370
Tapped out. Tapped out.

778
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,670
It just felt like the bride
is the last one to have fun.

779
00:43:51,754 --> 00:43:53,380
Even if you have a fun ceremony.

780
00:43:53,797 --> 00:43:54,840
Some couples like that.

781
00:43:54,923 --> 00:43:56,683
Some couples like a quiet,
spiritual ceremony

782
00:43:56,717 --> 00:43:58,927
with crying and saying I'm sorry.
Some people like...

783
00:44:00,638 --> 00:44:02,765
...a fun service,
some people like to dance.

784
00:44:02,848 --> 00:44:07,102
Like white people love to come down
the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like...

785
00:44:07,186 --> 00:44:08,562
<i>♪ Hey baby ♪</i>

786
00:44:08,646 --> 00:44:11,273
<i>♪ I'm gonna marry you ♪</i>

787
00:44:11,357 --> 00:44:12,191
<i>♪ Marry you... ♪</i>

788
00:44:12,274 --> 00:44:13,651
The bridesmaids and the groomsmen,

789
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:15,944
one who was like a cheer captain
in middle school,

790
00:44:16,028 --> 00:44:19,657
was like, "We go up, you go down.
Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you."

791
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,618
And then you do it
and it's a whole thing, right?

792
00:44:22,951 --> 00:44:24,161
So everyone has fun with it.

793
00:44:24,244 --> 00:44:27,581
So the first ones that come down...
Girls, it does not matter who you marry,

794
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:30,334
every man has the same group of friends.

795
00:44:30,417 --> 00:44:34,296
Every man has the same groom-pod, okay?

796
00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,100
First one to come
walking down that aisle...

797
00:44:36,131 --> 00:44:38,467
Every man's got
that one friend that's too big, okay?

798
00:44:38,550 --> 00:44:40,844
He's like 6'9".

799
00:44:40,928 --> 00:44:42,471
His name is Donk.

800
00:44:42,554 --> 00:44:44,556
He's just like...

801
00:44:48,435 --> 00:44:51,605
...walking on two snapped Achilles
and all head injuries...

802
00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:52,606
"Donk."

803
00:44:53,899 --> 00:44:56,819
Everyone's, "Oh, Donk's
doing the choreography, barely."

804
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:00,757
"Go, Donk!"

805
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:01,907
"I am Donk."

806
00:45:04,410 --> 00:45:05,327
"Put that baby down!"

807
00:45:05,411 --> 00:45:06,412
"Donk is hungry."

808
00:45:10,624 --> 00:45:11,667
Then the funny friend.

809
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:14,670
Every man you date will have
that one friend that's funny.

810
00:45:14,753 --> 00:45:16,463
He never shuts up, his name is Daniel,

811
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,233
and he comes down the aisle...

812
00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:19,800
"Yeah!"

813
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:21,969
...and he doesn't see a congregation,

814
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:22,928
he sees an audience.

815
00:45:23,011 --> 00:45:24,411
So he's going up to your nana like,

816
00:45:24,471 --> 00:45:26,140
"Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah."

817
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,351
Right? And they're loving it.
You're loving it. He's like, "Yeah."

818
00:45:29,435 --> 00:45:31,155
And the more they laugh,
he's like, "Uh-oh."

819
00:45:31,228 --> 00:45:34,481
And then he goes off book.
He's like, "Yeah, I do the sprinkler

820
00:45:34,565 --> 00:45:36,734
and whatever the hell this is."

821
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:44,032
And they're loving... and people
are laughing at your wedding,

822
00:45:44,116 --> 00:45:46,386
bride's not even there yet.
Everyone's having a good time.

823
00:45:46,410 --> 00:45:48,871
She's in the back,
breathing into a fucking paper bag.

824
00:45:48,954 --> 00:45:50,807
And they think Daniel is so funny.

825
00:45:50,831 --> 00:45:53,333
Then they turn to me,
"Isn't Daniel funny, Iliza?

826
00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:55,252
You're doing it, bravo.
Move your dick more.

827
00:45:55,335 --> 00:45:57,004
This is great. Daniel's so fun...

828
00:45:57,171 --> 00:45:58,505
Iliza, isn't Daniel funny?

829
00:45:58,589 --> 00:46:00,382
He should've been a comic."
He could've been.

830
00:46:00,466 --> 00:46:02,466
But something happened
senior year at Duke.

831
00:46:02,509 --> 00:46:04,790
The girl never woke up
but it was wrong place, wrong time.

832
00:46:04,845 --> 00:46:07,565
He deferred for a year while his parents
put together a defense fund.

833
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:10,160
He didn't do anything wrong,
but it didn't look very good to apply

834
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,824
to other schools so he deferred
and took community college credits.

835
00:46:12,853 --> 00:46:15,498
His CPA degree wasn't what he wanted,
but he won't graduate on time.

836
00:46:15,522 --> 00:46:16,833
But he did graduate.

837
00:46:16,857 --> 00:46:20,694
<i>♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪</i>

838
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:30,287
The bridesmaids come down
like, "This is a strapless bra.

839
00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:31,747
This isn't fun.

840
00:46:33,582 --> 00:46:34,708
I slept with Daniel."

841
00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:37,836
<i>♪ Marry you, marry you ♪</i>

842
00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:41,298
Now the groom comes down
and he's in sunglasses.

843
00:46:41,381 --> 00:46:44,301
"I'm in sunglasses. Isn't this funny?

844
00:46:44,384 --> 00:46:46,470
I'm indoors, what a juxtaposition.

845
00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:51,850
I'm in sunglasses, which is an homage
to <i>Risky Business,</i> which is a movie

846
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:53,644
about what, Nashville? Hookers!"

847
00:46:53,727 --> 00:46:56,313
<i>♪ Marry you ♪</i>

848
00:46:56,855 --> 00:46:58,774
"Everyone get serious, she's here."

849
00:47:10,494 --> 00:47:13,163
She was last.
She missed out on all the fun.

850
00:47:13,747 --> 00:47:16,250
All I want is for brides to have fun

851
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,669
in 2020, that's my campaign.

852
00:47:18,752 --> 00:47:20,546
That's it.

853
00:47:22,339 --> 00:47:24,842
No foreign relations change,
no tax refund.

854
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,970
Nothing like that.
No tax reform, just brides having fun.

855
00:47:28,136 --> 00:47:29,888
I think I can win.

856
00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,684
So here's my idea for brides to have fun.

857
00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:37,104
If I tell it to you,
will you promise to do it?

858
00:47:40,023 --> 00:47:41,023
Okay.

859
00:47:42,025 --> 00:47:45,904
Take one part red food coloring,
one part corn syrup.

860
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,491
Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl.

861
00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:50,575
Mix it.

862
00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:52,160
Stick it in your mouth,

863
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:53,620
back of the chapel.

864
00:48:13,140 --> 00:48:15,350
<i>♪ This is gonna be metal ♪</i>

865
00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:24,067
"You may kiss the bride."
Girls, he lifts your flap,

866
00:48:24,151 --> 00:48:25,861
that's when you...

867
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:43,420
"Help me get back to the mirror!

868
00:49:04,399 --> 00:49:05,400
I do."

869
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:20,290
This is a question
for the men in the audience,

870
00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:24,503
and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical
before you yell out your gem of an answer.

871
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:27,839
This is a scripted program.

872
00:49:29,299 --> 00:49:31,176
My question for you is why?

873
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:35,514
Why would you want
to cover your girl's face?

874
00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,891
- These guys are like...
- "We don't.

875
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,407
She wanted to wear the veil.
I said, 'Okay.'

876
00:49:43,480 --> 00:49:45,857
I was enabling her feminism, I don't...

877
00:49:46,483 --> 00:49:48,193
I agree. What? I'm not heckling her.

878
00:49:48,276 --> 00:49:49,987
I'm not... We don't want...

879
00:49:50,070 --> 00:49:52,656
I'm not yelling, she asked a question.
I feel maligned right now.

880
00:49:52,739 --> 00:49:54,676
I don't wanna cover her face. What?

881
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,326
You're giving me shit. She's the one...

882
00:49:56,410 --> 00:49:58,412
You know what?
Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up.

883
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,332
I don't care what they...
I don't even know who you are.

884
00:50:02,416 --> 00:50:04,176
I bought this as a Christmas present
for her.

885
00:50:05,711 --> 00:50:07,504
Your tickets went on sale
a long time ago.

886
00:50:07,587 --> 00:50:09,172
Okay.

887
00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:11,925
What? You said this was gonna be about
peacocks and baby legs

888
00:50:12,009 --> 00:50:13,510
and so far, I don't know."

889
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,310
"Accurate."

890
00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:25,897
When I say her face, gentlemen,

891
00:50:25,981 --> 00:50:28,859
is a big part of the reason
that you're with her...

892
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:31,062
"What about the tits?" For sure.

893
00:50:31,361 --> 00:50:32,361
For sure.

894
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:37,617
Okay. In fact, that should be a big part
of the veil-lifting ceremony.

895
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,662
But the girl gets to do it.

896
00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:42,289
If she wants.

897
00:50:42,622 --> 00:50:43,665
"You may kiss the bride."

898
00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:45,389
He lifts the flap and then the girl goes,

899
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:46,501
"Check it out."

900
00:50:58,430 --> 00:50:59,473
It's a great idea.

901
00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:01,058
Think... Let me pitch you on this.

902
00:51:01,141 --> 00:51:03,101
Think of the money to be made

903
00:51:03,435 --> 00:51:05,979
on a bridal tit-flap.

904
00:51:07,856 --> 00:51:08,856
Right?

905
00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:10,817
Think of how we could market it.

906
00:51:10,901 --> 00:51:12,652
Think of how we could pitch it like,

907
00:51:13,111 --> 00:51:14,111
"Hey, sharks."

908
00:51:22,913 --> 00:51:26,249
Now, when I say her face
and her body, gentlemen,

909
00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:28,085
are big parts of the reason
you're with her,

910
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,628
that's not a knock against men.

911
00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:31,088
That's never my MO.

912
00:51:31,171 --> 00:51:33,340
I think sometimes people hear
that a woman is speaking.

913
00:51:33,423 --> 00:51:35,926
They're like, "Oh, she must hate men."
That's bullshit, okay?

914
00:51:36,009 --> 00:51:38,595
You can be pro-woman
without being anti-man.

915
00:51:38,678 --> 00:51:40,764
We have to adjust that, okay?

916
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:47,771
My motivation has never been
to shit on men.

917
00:51:47,854 --> 00:51:51,399
My motivation is to shit on everyone
and together we rise.

918
00:51:52,734 --> 00:51:53,734
Yes!

919
00:51:54,027 --> 00:51:55,695
Like a shit phoenix.

920
00:51:58,573 --> 00:52:00,951
Men make up 50% of my audience.
I love men.

921
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:04,412
I married one and I slept with a bunch
of hot ones right before, so...

922
00:52:05,789 --> 00:52:06,915
Right before.

923
00:52:09,334 --> 00:52:11,134
When I say her face
and her body are big parts

924
00:52:11,169 --> 00:52:14,422
of the reasons you're with her
that's commentary, not on superficiality,

925
00:52:14,506 --> 00:52:17,384
that's commentary
on the way men's brains are wired,

926
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:20,547
a subject I find endlessly fascinating
and I write a lot of material about it.

927
00:52:20,595 --> 00:52:21,847
Okay?

928
00:52:21,930 --> 00:52:23,974
Men are visual creatures,
I've stated this before.

929
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:27,811
They're visual creatures, which means,
girls, they have to be

930
00:52:28,019 --> 00:52:31,022
physically attracted to you
for at least a second

931
00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:32,983
to get engaged
and then want to get to know,

932
00:52:33,066 --> 00:52:34,526
like, your amazing personality.

933
00:52:34,609 --> 00:52:36,486
That's the way it goes.

934
00:52:36,653 --> 00:52:39,990
It doesn't have to be the whole thing,
it could be a hair. Just a whisker.

935
00:52:40,073 --> 00:52:42,033
Just a nub.
They're like, "Hey, what's that?"

936
00:52:42,117 --> 00:52:44,202
It goes looks...

937
00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:47,789
...looks, hook him,
and then your heart of gold reels him in.

938
00:52:47,873 --> 00:52:49,153
That's what it is.

939
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:50,709
It does not go the other way.

940
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:53,461
No man's ever been like,
"I want to set you up with a girl."

941
00:52:53,545 --> 00:52:56,840
And that guy's been, "All right, tell me
about her remarkable charity work first."

942
00:52:56,923 --> 00:52:58,383
No.

943
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:00,802
They're attracted to you.

944
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:02,721
And then they move in. Okay?

945
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:05,390
He saw you and then
the rest of it was yours, okay?

946
00:53:05,473 --> 00:53:08,393
He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app,

947
00:53:08,476 --> 00:53:10,228
through your window
for the last six months.

948
00:53:10,312 --> 00:53:11,897
He saw you...

949
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:16,693
...approached you, fingers crossed,
like, "Please don't be a lunatic."

950
00:53:16,776 --> 00:53:18,862
You turned around,

951
00:53:18,945 --> 00:53:21,323
you're like, "This is my shoulder iguana
and I'm a Taurus.

952
00:53:21,406 --> 00:53:23,074
It means a lot to me. Let's go."

953
00:53:23,158 --> 00:53:24,784
He's like, "Okay.

954
00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:26,828
That's fine, she seems warm."

955
00:53:28,330 --> 00:53:32,167
You want a man that is wired that way
for as annoying as it can be.

956
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:35,212
Like, "Men are pigs."
You want a man that is visually-wired

957
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:37,714
because that's the correct way
to be wired, okay?

958
00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:41,051
"I don't care about her looks."
Yeah, 'cause she's hot. So, nice try.

959
00:53:43,386 --> 00:53:45,266
You don't want a man
that's wired the other way.

960
00:53:45,305 --> 00:53:49,392
A man would have to be so broken
by society to be like, "I don't care

961
00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:52,187
what she looks like,
just don't let her spit in my food."

962
00:53:52,270 --> 00:53:54,522
You want a man...

963
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:58,235
And rather than get angry about the way
that they're naturally wired,

964
00:53:58,318 --> 00:54:00,362
all while crying like,
"Accept me for who I am,

965
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:02,155
but you better change who you are, boys."

966
00:54:02,239 --> 00:54:04,241
Rather than get angry at that,

967
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:08,119
let's use this information,
rather than rage against the patriarchy.

968
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:10,038
Let's use the information we have

969
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,998
to work within the confines
of the structure...

970
00:54:12,082 --> 00:54:13,642
...as we have for millennia.

971
00:54:13,667 --> 00:54:16,586
And gather information, okay?

972
00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,506
If he has to be attracted to you
in order to want to get to know you,

973
00:54:19,589 --> 00:54:22,550
that means he must be attracted to you
in order to stay with you.

974
00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,345
That means if he's with you,
he thinks you're beautiful

975
00:54:25,428 --> 00:54:29,432
and he does not see all the ugliness
that you think you see. Okay?

976
00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,934
Yes.

977
00:54:32,185 --> 00:54:33,395
He's incapable.

978
00:54:34,646 --> 00:54:37,607
All the problems
society says are wrong with you,

979
00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:39,859
he hasn't been brainwashed
into thinking that, okay?

980
00:54:39,943 --> 00:54:42,713
So when you were getting ready
like I was for the show and you're like,

981
00:54:42,737 --> 00:54:45,031
"I'm so fat.
They won't even let me in the building

982
00:54:45,115 --> 00:54:48,368
and asked me to resurface this whole...
Cover it up."

983
00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:52,038
He doesn't see any of it.

984
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:53,957
He thinks you're beautiful.
Give him a break.

985
00:54:54,582 --> 00:54:55,750
Okay?

986
00:55:01,298 --> 00:55:03,425
If he loves you, if this is a first date,

987
00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,802
I don't fucking know what's gonna happen.

988
00:55:07,262 --> 00:55:09,055
But men are very visual, women are not.

989
00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:10,140
We are cerebral.

990
00:55:10,348 --> 00:55:14,060
We are cerebral creatures, which means
we don't have to be attracted to you

991
00:55:14,227 --> 00:55:16,104
to fall in love with you.

992
00:55:16,855 --> 00:55:20,150
We're cerebral creatures, which means
we can fall in love with you...

993
00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:22,193
...despite your stupid fucking face!

994
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,995
Girls, if you're on a date,
don't cheer too loud.

995
00:55:39,085 --> 00:55:42,422
Every woman in this room
has at some point gone out with a man

996
00:55:42,505 --> 00:55:45,759
less attractive than she simply because...

997
00:55:45,842 --> 00:55:47,385
"He makes me laugh."

998
00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,404
It's true. Every woman,
at some point in her life,

999
00:56:06,488 --> 00:56:10,200
has gone out, dated, loved
an absolute fucking hobgoblin...

1000
00:56:12,577 --> 00:56:14,204
...simply because like,

1001
00:56:14,287 --> 00:56:16,831
"He's real good with business"
or some shit, right?

1002
00:56:18,041 --> 00:56:20,585
And there's this weird allowance
we get as women

1003
00:56:20,668 --> 00:56:23,880
where you are allowed to, like in public,

1004
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:27,592
say that the man you love
and are with is not attractive.

1005
00:56:30,053 --> 00:56:32,847
"But he's real, real sweet."
Like, in front of his face.

1006
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,226
Like, at a dinner party.

1007
00:56:38,019 --> 00:56:39,687
You're allowed to be like, "Sean?

1008
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:41,731
I don't know. He's no Brad Pitt."

1009
00:56:45,527 --> 00:56:47,904
And Sean's
the first motherfucker to be like,

1010
00:56:47,987 --> 00:56:50,240
"Yeah, I am not an attractive man.

1011
00:56:57,580 --> 00:57:00,250
But I own a boat
and I'm fucking her, so...

1012
00:57:00,625 --> 00:57:01,625
Yeah!"

1013
00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:12,512
It's not okay.
No one loves to be called ugly,

1014
00:57:12,595 --> 00:57:14,865
but when you call a guy ugly,
they're very honest about it

1015
00:57:14,889 --> 00:57:18,893
because a man knows his worth
does not hinge on the way he looks,

1016
00:57:18,977 --> 00:57:22,188
nor does it hinge
on the way people perceive his looks.

1017
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:24,190
When you're a girl,
that is an inextricable part

1018
00:57:24,274 --> 00:57:25,650
of your experience on this planet

1019
00:57:25,733 --> 00:57:28,319
and will be held against you
no matter what you look like.

1020
00:57:28,403 --> 00:57:30,363
Obviously it's better
to be better-looking, but...

1021
00:57:31,990 --> 00:57:33,783
...when you're attractive at all,

1022
00:57:33,867 --> 00:57:36,828
you are up for the slings and arrows
of judgment from men, women.

1023
00:57:36,911 --> 00:57:38,831
"She's a skank."
"She must not be smart."

1024
00:57:38,872 --> 00:57:41,458
"I bet she steals boyfriends."
"She's probably an idiot."

1025
00:57:41,541 --> 00:57:44,181
If you're ugly, it's like,
"I bet she gets worse in the moonlight."

1026
00:57:44,210 --> 00:57:45,753
You're always...

1027
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:50,425
Jobs, boyfriends, perception,
your rise in our society,

1028
00:57:50,508 --> 00:57:54,095
hinges on your looks and other people's
take on the way that you look.

1029
00:57:54,179 --> 00:57:57,599
For men, not so much
because they can still be charismatic

1030
00:57:57,682 --> 00:57:59,851
and attractive to women,
even if they're hideous.

1031
00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:01,936
You can have bad hair
and date a supermodel.

1032
00:58:02,020 --> 00:58:04,689
You can be structurally-fucked
and still run the Free World.

1033
00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:07,692
Like, you can do these things.

1034
00:58:15,658 --> 00:58:17,887
It's interesting because
we all wanna be treated equally,

1035
00:58:17,911 --> 00:58:20,639
we all wanna be treated the same
but I don't think that's gonna happen

1036
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:22,999
for a very long time
because of the un-brainwashing

1037
00:58:23,082 --> 00:58:26,794
we have to do with the way we treat
and perceive women based on their looks.

1038
00:58:26,878 --> 00:58:29,797
It affects everything,
even if you're trying to be kind,

1039
00:58:29,881 --> 00:58:32,467
it still affects it.
I will give you an example in real time.

1040
00:58:32,550 --> 00:58:36,387
If I had a man here
and he was heckling me the whole show,

1041
00:58:36,471 --> 00:58:38,681
ruining the show and just being an idiot,

1042
00:58:38,765 --> 00:58:41,392
I could snap and I could say
something hacky like,

1043
00:58:41,476 --> 00:58:45,563
"Well, you're bald and you're ugly and fat
and I bet you got a small dick," right?

1044
00:58:46,564 --> 00:58:48,900
And most of you laugh,
one person checked their phone.

1045
00:58:48,983 --> 00:58:50,401
No one's anger...

1046
00:58:50,735 --> 00:58:53,738
- Even the one in the back was like...
- "I got nothing to tweet.

1047
00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:56,323
Fair play."

1048
00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:00,203
If I had a woman here
who was yelling at me,

1049
00:59:00,286 --> 00:59:04,374
being rude, interrupting your show,
interrupting my night at work...

1050
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:07,627
This is a job, despite the fact
that I have purple lipstick on. Okay?

1051
00:59:07,710 --> 00:59:09,128
And a fun ponytail.

1052
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:11,714
If she was doing that
and acting like an asshole

1053
00:59:11,798 --> 00:59:15,134
and I snapped and I was like,
"Well, you're a fat, ugly bitch..."

1054
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:22,392
She's not even real.

1055
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:32,610
And you're like...
"Don't shame her!"

1056
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:38,032
A woman...

1057
00:59:38,324 --> 00:59:40,577
As women, we are forced to be practical.

1058
00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,371
We are forced to be honest
about things and our expectations

1059
00:59:43,454 --> 00:59:44,497
and we are honest.

1060
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:46,833
A girl, we can be attracted
to ugly things.

1061
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:48,236
You hear girls all the time like,

1062
00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:51,337
"My husband's got this weird tooth
in the back of his throat, but I love it.

1063
00:59:51,421 --> 00:59:53,298
I like to lick on it. I love it.

1064
00:59:55,216 --> 00:59:57,969
He's so gross, sometimes he sheds
all his body hair. I eat that hair.

1065
00:59:58,052 --> 00:59:59,280
I love it so much.

1066
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:01,264
I make a pillow, I sleep on it.

1067
01:00:01,347 --> 01:00:02,347
I love it.

1068
01:00:03,016 --> 01:00:04,684
He's ugly, I'm into it."

1069
01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:06,185
You will never hear

1070
01:00:06,561 --> 01:00:09,105
a guy be honest
about his girlfriend being ugly.

1071
01:00:09,188 --> 01:00:10,648
'Cause he doesn't see it.

1072
01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:12,900
You'll never hear,
"Oh, what a blithe existence!"

1073
01:00:12,984 --> 01:00:16,279
You'll never hear a man admit
like, "My girlfriend...

1074
01:00:24,537 --> 01:00:26,331
Sorry, I was just thinking
about her smile.

1075
01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:34,172
It's fucked up, but...

1076
01:00:35,214 --> 01:00:37,425
...her punch lines are on fire."

1077
01:00:42,430 --> 01:00:45,141
Now you clap, but I noticed
that your laughter spiked

1078
01:00:45,224 --> 01:00:47,435
and then immediately declined...

1079
01:00:47,518 --> 01:00:49,854
...because you're still thinking
about this woman.

1080
01:00:56,486 --> 01:00:57,486
So no veil.

1081
01:01:00,156 --> 01:01:02,367
And I did not want a bachelorette party

1082
01:01:02,742 --> 01:01:06,496
out at a bar
for a very specific reason, okay?

1083
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,205
I work at night,

1084
01:01:08,331 --> 01:01:11,876
so I have seen first-hand the havoc

1085
01:01:12,418 --> 01:01:16,130
that can be wreaked
by an out-of-control bachelorette party.

1086
01:01:16,255 --> 01:01:17,799
Okay?

1087
01:01:20,885 --> 01:01:22,804
It sounds like that.

1088
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:26,891
I have been there when a zombie horde

1089
01:01:26,974 --> 01:01:28,184
comes over the ridge,

1090
01:01:28,267 --> 01:01:31,396
fucking kicks in a window
and makes their nests,

1091
01:01:31,479 --> 01:01:32,730
like in my show.

1092
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,316
I've been there...

1093
01:01:35,733 --> 01:01:38,152
...when they come in,
one's missing a fucking femur.

1094
01:01:41,447 --> 01:01:43,783
And knowing how out-of-control
they can get,

1095
01:01:43,866 --> 01:01:47,286
I couldn't, in good conscience,
be that for a fellow night worker.

1096
01:01:47,370 --> 01:01:50,415
I couldn't do that to someone else
who works at night, okay?

1097
01:01:50,540 --> 01:01:53,167
Those of us, yes, who work at night!

1098
01:01:56,254 --> 01:01:58,047
Those of us who work at night.

1099
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:01,634
DJs, sound mixers, security,

1100
01:02:01,718 --> 01:02:04,637
bartenders, waitresses. Yes!

1101
01:02:05,096 --> 01:02:07,265
Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville.

1102
01:02:07,348 --> 01:02:09,350
Yes, those of us...

1103
01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:12,562
...who make our wages
under the cloak of the moon.

1104
01:02:12,645 --> 01:02:14,522
I have no friends. Those of us...

1105
01:02:16,023 --> 01:02:18,401
...who work at night know first-hand

1106
01:02:18,484 --> 01:02:23,114
what it's like to have to absorb
a crazy bachelorette party.

1107
01:02:23,197 --> 01:02:26,117
Okay? You don't see
a bachelorette party coming,

1108
01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:27,452
you fucking hear it.

1109
01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:36,586
And if you're hearing it...

1110
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:39,297
...it's too late.

1111
01:02:40,882 --> 01:02:43,092
They're already here.

1112
01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:47,805
So you can imagine
how unnerving it is for me as a performer.

1113
01:02:47,889 --> 01:02:49,849
I'm sitting here.
I can see the first couple rows,

1114
01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:51,017
but the rest is pitch-black.

1115
01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:55,355
You can imagine how terrifying that is
for me, just in the middle of a set

1116
01:02:55,646 --> 01:02:58,983
in a sea of strangers and darkness like,
"And another thing about raccoons..."

1117
01:02:59,066 --> 01:03:01,611
"Stacy's getting married!"

1118
01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:11,454
I don't know where it's coming from.

1119
01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:14,749
Get back. Get back.

1120
01:03:15,833 --> 01:03:18,961
Don't shoot till you see
the whites of their wines.

1121
01:03:27,053 --> 01:03:29,305
I want you to know something
about bachelorette parties.

1122
01:03:29,388 --> 01:03:32,016
They are well-versed in the art
of basic tactical warfare.

1123
01:03:32,099 --> 01:03:33,434
Okay?

1124
01:03:34,143 --> 01:03:35,186
Bachelorette party knows

1125
01:03:35,269 --> 01:03:37,730
that they have you trapped,
timid, trepidatious.

1126
01:03:37,814 --> 01:03:39,054
The three Ts of combat.

1127
01:03:39,106 --> 01:03:40,666
They got you right there.

1128
01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:43,378
And they know that you don't know
where they're coming from

1129
01:03:43,402 --> 01:03:46,155
and they know that you are expecting
all of them

1130
01:03:46,239 --> 01:03:47,740
to come running in at once.

1131
01:03:47,824 --> 01:03:50,284
But a good bachelorette party,
a good bachelorette army knows

1132
01:03:50,368 --> 01:03:52,745
you don't send in all of your troops
at once.

1133
01:03:55,248 --> 01:03:59,293
A well-led bachelorette party understands
you must send your troops in in waves

1134
01:03:59,877 --> 01:04:01,254
so as to exhaust the bar...

1135
01:04:02,755 --> 01:04:04,423
...and deplete it of its resources.

1136
01:04:05,132 --> 01:04:07,927
If you are at a bar and you see
a bunch of girls come running in,

1137
01:04:08,010 --> 01:04:09,303
do not be foolish.

1138
01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:10,596
That is not the bride.

1139
01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:12,640
That is not even the family.

1140
01:04:12,849 --> 01:04:14,934
That is her infantry.

1141
01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:17,478
These are her bannermen.

1142
01:04:17,728 --> 01:04:20,314
They come running in first
to let the bar know like...

1143
01:04:20,398 --> 01:04:22,942
"Stacy's getting married!"

1144
01:04:25,236 --> 01:04:27,071
They kick some girls out of a booth.

1145
01:04:27,154 --> 01:04:28,914
"This is our territory now.
Get out of here!"

1146
01:04:28,948 --> 01:04:30,867
They set a waitress on fire.

1147
01:04:35,580 --> 01:04:36,914
Isn't this amazing?

1148
01:04:40,626 --> 01:04:42,795
They put down a debit card
for the first round.

1149
01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:45,214
Get fresh with the table.

1150
01:04:46,507 --> 01:04:49,468
These women are not there
for a good time or a long time.

1151
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:50,678
Okay?

1152
01:04:51,429 --> 01:04:53,389
These women are there for one reason.

1153
01:04:53,472 --> 01:04:55,474
To establish
and maintain a region.

1154
01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:58,185
That's why they're there.

1155
01:05:03,524 --> 01:05:06,611
And they fought valiantly
and the battlefield has been set.

1156
01:05:06,694 --> 01:05:09,280
Now the bar knows
that it's Stacy's bachelorette party

1157
01:05:09,363 --> 01:05:10,197
and what to expect.

1158
01:05:10,281 --> 01:05:11,532
The next one to come in

1159
01:05:12,074 --> 01:05:14,634
is perhaps the most important one
of the party, or so she thinks.

1160
01:05:14,660 --> 01:05:16,287
This is your General,

1161
01:05:16,370 --> 01:05:18,998
otherwise known
as your maid of honor, Amanda!

1162
01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:24,253
I am Stacy's maid of honor.

1163
01:05:24,837 --> 01:05:27,006
Many of you know me
from the Evite comment section

1164
01:05:27,089 --> 01:05:28,925
where I've chatted with you briefly.

1165
01:05:30,801 --> 01:05:32,678
XOXO.

1166
01:05:34,472 --> 01:05:37,475
I am Stacy's best friend
since the third grade.

1167
01:05:38,267 --> 01:05:42,146
A fact I shall lord over many of you
when I feel left out of a conversation.

1168
01:05:44,649 --> 01:05:46,067
She is my best friend.

1169
01:05:46,150 --> 01:05:48,527
We've been to Cancún upwards
of five times.

1170
01:05:49,862 --> 01:05:52,257
I've sat in the hotel room
many a night while she's been out,

1171
01:05:52,281 --> 01:05:54,841
making out with hot dudes
and promises to tell me about it later.

1172
01:05:55,034 --> 01:05:56,160
I am the best friend.

1173
01:05:58,412 --> 01:05:59,747
She is the one to be married,

1174
01:05:59,830 --> 01:06:02,291
but in many ways,
I feel like tonight is about me.

1175
01:06:05,544 --> 01:06:08,673
I have set up all of this.
I have made all the reservations.

1176
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:10,341
I am the one you will follow

1177
01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:12,468
and before we ride into battle,

1178
01:06:12,635 --> 01:06:15,596
I need each of you to Venmo me $50.

1179
01:06:15,680 --> 01:06:16,931
Will you ride with me?

1180
01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:27,274
It was $40, but Megan's not feeling well

1181
01:06:27,358 --> 01:06:28,484
and she just canceled.

1182
01:06:30,653 --> 01:06:32,822
Before the festivities begin,

1183
01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:35,700
I wish to open with a quote
from General Patton.

1184
01:06:36,200 --> 01:06:38,577
To go bravely... Morgan.

1185
01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:41,872
Morgan, Morgan, Morgan.
Drink some fucking water, I'm not joking.

1186
01:06:41,956 --> 01:06:43,332
Heyah!

1187
01:06:45,793 --> 01:06:48,879
The bartender's like,
"You can't have a horse in here."

1188
01:06:52,925 --> 01:06:54,051
Very well, then.

1189
01:06:55,803 --> 01:06:58,073
If I give you my phone,
will you charge it behind the bar?

1190
01:06:58,097 --> 01:06:59,974
No, okay. Heyah!

1191
01:07:06,731 --> 01:07:08,149
The time has come.

1192
01:07:08,733 --> 01:07:10,401
She is about to arrive.

1193
01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:30,046
They all begin to scream.
"She's getting married."

1194
01:07:34,842 --> 01:07:36,177
We know.

1195
01:07:36,552 --> 01:07:38,220
Bachelorette partygoers of the world,

1196
01:07:38,304 --> 01:07:39,138
we know!

1197
01:07:39,221 --> 01:07:41,766
Quit screaming, you fucking banshee.

1198
01:07:42,850 --> 01:07:45,227
We know she's getting married,
we can tell,

1199
01:07:45,311 --> 01:07:47,897
because she's covered in dicks.

1200
01:07:59,325 --> 01:08:02,495
Why? What is this West African
shaming ritual?

1201
01:08:03,829 --> 01:08:05,706
What is that? Why are we doing that?

1202
01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,750
Why are we, every night in America,

1203
01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:11,796
drenching our women
in teeny-weeny Party City peeny?

1204
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:16,383
I know what your friends will say.

1205
01:08:16,467 --> 01:08:19,428
"It's 'cause we love her.
We love her so much. She's amazing."

1206
01:08:19,720 --> 01:08:23,140
Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks!
Be a dick! Eat a dick!

1207
01:08:23,224 --> 01:08:24,975
My issue...

1208
01:08:28,145 --> 01:08:31,065
...is not the ritualistic shrouding
of women

1209
01:08:31,148 --> 01:08:33,776
in tiny, plastic commemorative penii.

1210
01:08:36,237 --> 01:08:38,614
My issue is merely
the lack of reciprocity

1211
01:08:39,198 --> 01:08:40,449
at a bachelor party.

1212
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,000
I've never seen a bachelor party

1213
01:08:50,084 --> 01:08:53,170
like, "Joey's getting married,
everybody put on your snootch-hat."

1214
01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:13,566
"It's so tight, bro.

1215
01:09:13,941 --> 01:09:16,443
Isn't it crazy how no matter
how many times you wear them,

1216
01:09:16,527 --> 01:09:17,927
they never lose their elasticity...

1217
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:20,614
...although we tell women that,

1218
01:09:20,948 --> 01:09:23,492
to shame them
out of exploring their sexuality?"

1219
01:09:33,752 --> 01:09:35,796
Of all the things I did not want to do

1220
01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:38,591
for my wedding,
the one thing we ended up doing

1221
01:09:38,674 --> 01:09:41,010
was they had a bachelorette party
at a bar for me.

1222
01:09:41,093 --> 01:09:44,847
Obviously, I'm not gonna
have a party at a library. So...

1223
01:09:46,390 --> 01:09:48,535
...we had this bachelorette party
at a bar and we went.

1224
01:09:48,559 --> 01:09:52,021
And I had about four
or five women with me and...

1225
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,191
I know I should have been
just like going crazy and getting drunk

1226
01:09:55,274 --> 01:09:57,443
and having a crazy time
but I'm a sentimental person

1227
01:09:57,693 --> 01:10:00,696
and I'm a thinker
and I was looking at these girls,

1228
01:10:00,779 --> 01:10:03,365
these women that some of whom
I was related to,

1229
01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:05,242
the rest of whom
I've known my entire life.

1230
01:10:05,326 --> 01:10:09,663
I've seen relationships come and go
and jobs and heartbreak and death

1231
01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:13,000
and all of the landmarks
and all the things that make us human

1232
01:10:13,083 --> 01:10:16,295
and I was with these girls and I realized
that we had all been single,

1233
01:10:16,378 --> 01:10:18,005
we had all been on a journey together,

1234
01:10:18,088 --> 01:10:21,383
and for me that part of my journey
with them stopped that night.

1235
01:10:21,759 --> 01:10:24,428
I can still go to bars,
if my husband says it's okay.

1236
01:10:26,555 --> 01:10:28,849
But like we've been going out
for like a decade together,

1237
01:10:28,933 --> 01:10:30,813
like looking for a good time,
looking for a guy.

1238
01:10:30,851 --> 01:10:32,186
And like, that was it for me.

1239
01:10:32,269 --> 01:10:34,456
And I thought that...
I get goosebumps thinking about it

1240
01:10:34,480 --> 01:10:36,982
because like that chapter of my life
was closed that night

1241
01:10:37,316 --> 01:10:41,946
and I think that there's something
very poetic about the notion

1242
01:10:42,279 --> 01:10:45,532
that your bachelorette party,
you are in effect

1243
01:10:46,283 --> 01:10:50,246
picking up the ashen, lifeless body
of your singlehood...

1244
01:10:52,623 --> 01:10:55,417
...and laying it to rest
where it was born.

1245
01:10:59,838 --> 01:11:01,423
In a shitty bar.

1246
01:11:10,849 --> 01:11:13,049
And it's not that I would never be
at another bar again,

1247
01:11:13,102 --> 01:11:15,729
but I would never be
at another bar unmarried.

1248
01:11:15,813 --> 01:11:16,647
I mean, I don't know

1249
01:11:16,730 --> 01:11:18,857
but I would never be...

1250
01:11:19,483 --> 01:11:21,151
I would never be... at that time,

1251
01:11:21,235 --> 01:11:22,486
like, that was it for me.

1252
01:11:22,569 --> 01:11:25,030
And I looked around the room
and there was a group of girls,

1253
01:11:25,114 --> 01:11:26,949
same amount as us, in their 20s.

1254
01:11:27,032 --> 01:11:28,117
And they were over there.

1255
01:11:29,118 --> 01:11:31,245
They looked amazing
and they were over there

1256
01:11:31,745 --> 01:11:33,665
and I was just staring at them.
And they're like,

1257
01:11:33,747 --> 01:11:35,749
"Who's that old lady staring at us?"

1258
01:11:36,208 --> 01:11:39,503
Because they were us
and I remember so fondly

1259
01:11:40,045 --> 01:11:43,757
being that age and going out
and all the trappings of it.

1260
01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:46,719
I know so much about it, I wrote
four fucking Netflix specials about it.

1261
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:49,513
And that was over.

1262
01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:56,061
And I was reflecting on
those years versus these years

1263
01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:57,229
as you get older.

1264
01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:59,606
In your 20s, you should just know,

1265
01:11:59,690 --> 01:12:02,276
you will never be as close
to other people,

1266
01:12:02,401 --> 01:12:04,278
let alone other women,
as you are in your 20s.

1267
01:12:04,361 --> 01:12:06,488
You will have good friends.
You will have book clubs.

1268
01:12:06,572 --> 01:12:08,372
You will have all this stuff
as you get older,

1269
01:12:08,407 --> 01:12:11,744
but in your 20s, you've just
come out of high school or college.

1270
01:12:11,827 --> 01:12:15,456
You're very close to the realms
of academia and you are hive-minded.

1271
01:12:15,581 --> 01:12:17,666
So you are in each other's shit,
you know everything.

1272
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:20,670
"I know who texted... He's my boyfriend,
I know who you are, who you like.

1273
01:12:20,711 --> 01:12:23,881
I like you, you're my best friend.
Matching dove tattoos. Make 'em fuck.

1274
01:12:23,964 --> 01:12:25,841
Dove tattoos. Right there.

1275
01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,319
You're my best friend.

1276
01:12:27,343 --> 01:12:28,427
I love you so much."

1277
01:12:28,510 --> 01:12:31,847
And boys ask you dumb questions that you
tolerate 'cause you don't know any better.

1278
01:12:31,930 --> 01:12:34,933
When you're in your 20s, boys will ask,
"How many guys you slept with?"

1279
01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:39,188
Nobody asks you that in your 30s
because the answer is gross.

1280
01:12:45,819 --> 01:12:46,653
She's in the back.

1281
01:12:46,737 --> 01:12:49,114
"I've slept with so many dudes. I dunno.

1282
01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:51,700
I feel empowered."

1283
01:12:55,120 --> 01:12:58,123
But in your 20s, you're right there
and you're in that mentality,

1284
01:12:58,207 --> 01:13:00,125
you're so intertwined
and you make packs like,

1285
01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:02,490
"We're going out together.
I don't care if you meet a boy.

1286
01:13:02,544 --> 01:13:04,464
We're going home together.
You're my best friend.

1287
01:13:04,505 --> 01:13:06,065
Hold my hand. We're going out together.

1288
01:13:06,131 --> 01:13:07,341
Tie your hand to mine.

1289
01:13:07,424 --> 01:13:09,986
My best friend. I'm a Sagittarius,
you're a Pisces. How's it work?

1290
01:13:10,010 --> 01:13:11,845
Dunno, it just does.
Text me when you're home.

1291
01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:14,032
That's right, we're home,
we live together. Roll over.

1292
01:13:14,056 --> 01:13:15,736
You're my best friend.
You're right there."

1293
01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:19,770
People shit on women
for some reason being 30.

1294
01:13:19,853 --> 01:13:21,453
I understand
there's the whole egg issue,

1295
01:13:21,480 --> 01:13:23,148
but society is not kind.

1296
01:13:23,232 --> 01:13:25,025
They're not kind to women
as they get older.

1297
01:13:25,109 --> 01:13:27,069
Men, shitty men,
not the good ones that are here,

1298
01:13:27,152 --> 01:13:28,946
don't like it as women age.

1299
01:13:29,029 --> 01:13:31,469
And I gotta believe it's less
about the fact that you're older

1300
01:13:31,532 --> 01:13:33,532
and it's more about the fact
that when you're older

1301
01:13:33,575 --> 01:13:36,370
you don't put up with bullshit
and they don't like that.

1302
01:13:36,453 --> 01:13:37,913
They don't like it.

1303
01:13:39,123 --> 01:13:41,959
Smart guys don't have any bullshit.

1304
01:13:44,128 --> 01:13:45,963
I was at a bar the other night,

1305
01:13:46,046 --> 01:13:47,464
some guy walked up, he goes, "Hey."

1306
01:13:47,548 --> 01:13:50,175
I was like, "I don't buy it."
And I just walked away.

1307
01:13:52,094 --> 01:13:54,847
But moreover, you're close
and you're a cluster of girls

1308
01:13:54,930 --> 01:13:57,200
and you go out together
and no matter what plans you make,

1309
01:13:57,224 --> 01:13:59,977
there's always that one girlfriend
that breaks away from the pack.

1310
01:14:00,060 --> 01:14:03,180
You're like, "We're here for safety."
She's like, "I'm just gonna talk to him."

1311
01:14:04,815 --> 01:14:06,900
Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line,

1312
01:14:06,984 --> 01:14:08,784
but you're in your 20s,
so you'll listen to it

1313
01:14:08,819 --> 01:14:10,362
'cause you haven't lived a life yet.

1314
01:14:10,446 --> 01:14:12,646
"I'm just gonna talk to him."
He's like, "Yeah, come on.

1315
01:14:12,698 --> 01:14:15,242
I'll tell you about my company,
Herbalife, let's go. I run..."

1316
01:14:17,828 --> 01:14:19,455
And she's not making your job easier.

1317
01:14:19,538 --> 01:14:22,124
You're also out to meet a guy,
to have fun, to have a life,

1318
01:14:22,207 --> 01:14:24,087
and you're like,
"Get back here, Cassandra. No."

1319
01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:26,962
And you have to endure
this fucking piece of shit being like,

1320
01:14:27,045 --> 01:14:30,132
"Why are you being such bitches?"
But you wanna protect your girlfriend.

1321
01:14:30,215 --> 01:14:32,134
You're like, "Get back here,
she's not awake.

1322
01:14:32,217 --> 01:14:34,261
Come here. Come here."

1323
01:14:34,928 --> 01:14:36,180
We will do anything.

1324
01:14:36,263 --> 01:14:39,683
When you're younger, we will form
a phalanx around a fallen girl like...

1325
01:14:45,189 --> 01:14:46,899
Sorry.

1326
01:14:56,742 --> 01:14:58,785
That noise right there
is the anti-mating call

1327
01:14:58,869 --> 01:15:00,829
of 20-something girls everywhere.

1328
01:15:01,413 --> 01:15:04,708
"Sorry." That's right, girls,
before there was <i>RuPaul's Drag Race...</i>

1329
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:06,835
..."bye", there was "sorry."

1330
01:15:09,087 --> 01:15:11,465
It's us protecting a girl
who can't protect ourselves.

1331
01:15:11,548 --> 01:15:14,301
Now, I wish I could tell you that
that action is solely altruistic

1332
01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:16,887
and when we do it,
it's just for the benefit of that girl.

1333
01:15:16,970 --> 01:15:19,515
Unfortunately, oftentimes,
the subtext of,

1334
01:15:19,598 --> 01:15:22,684
"You can't have her" is
"because you didn't want me."

1335
01:15:22,768 --> 01:15:24,728
But that's a whole other lecture...

1336
01:15:24,770 --> 01:15:25,896
...and special.

1337
01:15:29,858 --> 01:15:32,778
In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty

1338
01:15:33,070 --> 01:15:35,322
of the protection of other women
when you're in your 20s

1339
01:15:35,405 --> 01:15:37,032
'cause guess what, chickens?

1340
01:15:37,115 --> 01:15:40,118
After 30, it's not that we don't love you,

1341
01:15:40,244 --> 01:15:41,954
haven't spent a lifetime with you,

1342
01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:45,749
it's that we're sick
and tired of your bullshit, Jamie!

1343
01:15:45,874 --> 01:15:49,294
We're tired of following you around,
looking for you at bars,

1344
01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:51,018
when we should be out
doing our own thing.

1345
01:15:51,046 --> 01:15:54,216
We're exhausted,
our patience has run thin,

1346
01:15:54,299 --> 01:15:56,677
so is this delicate under-eye skin
I'm finding out.

1347
01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,053
We're tired.

1348
01:15:58,136 --> 01:16:00,389
After 30, we are not your keepers anymore.

1349
01:16:00,472 --> 01:16:02,599
After 30, we're gonna be like...

1350
01:16:02,683 --> 01:16:06,562
"Go with him!
We want to see what happens."