I feel like I've wanted to get this off of my chest for a while now, but never really had a decent time to ever say it. I expect nor do not want any sympathy from any of this, but I feel like it's best to talk the way I feel to some people that can possibly help in some way.

Ever since the operations I've had I just don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like I'm living an entire lie of a life. It's gotten to the point where I'll wake up from nightmares while I'm sleeping, to which I can never go back to sleep from. There have been countless nights now where I'll go to bed in the middle of the day almost crying just to escape some things that I have to do, even when I know I'll have to do them at another date. All of this just leads me to feel worthless through most days, and while I've felt somewhat like this before, this is a lot different and a lot worse. I'll try to keep my brain active with Discord and going outside for walks, which does help a lot of the time, but lately I'm just not to sure anymore.

Life has a lot to offer, however I just can't see myself grabbing the ropes anymore. Everything lately has just been so much of a burden for me, and one thing will always lead to another to stress me out. With all of this I just can't understand what to do anymore. I've tried to act or be happy around everyone, but the facade is falling down now and I think it's for the best with my current situation.

I feel like saying that I need to take a break from certain things like Discord never truly get me anywhere, so this isn't it. Every time in the past where I have said it, I'll always come back 2/3 days later because I know that you guys are here. For the past year or so ever since I left school you guys have honestly been my only real friends in this whole deal. The only other people I talk to on a semi-regular basis are my actual family. Even writing that down made me get upset. I've tried talking to old friends that I used to have, but no-one ever gets back to me anymore which is a shame and has really kicked my self-confidence to the ground.

I'm willing to give professional help one more try with all of this, however the last few times that this has happened they have done barely anything to help me long-term. It's almost a distrust I have made for myself which I really should not do. However if worse comes to worse in this I will be willing to try again.

I am truly sorry for the depressing post and unneeded vent, but as I said I feel like it's best to get this kind of stuff of my chest to my friends. I feel like this is kind of petty for me to post on such awkward times but... Yeah. I'm very sorry.