Anon: Vampony Hunter! Weight Watchers (1/2)

>Day Weight Watchers in Equestria
>You are Anonymous: Vampire Hunter!
>And today is your day off.
>No work, no chores, just a day to goof off.
>Hard to believe that you don’t belong to a union considering the amount of free time you get per week.
>Truly, Equestria is a magical land.
>Your erstwhile assistant and housemate, Carnelian, is currently showing Rarity some bangles that she crafted in her spare time.
>She’s been working for your carpentering business for about two months now.
>As soon as she got some spare cash she went out, bought some copper plates, and got busy.
>You were kind of surprised because you had thought that she would need all kinds of tools to get started.
>Instead she had borrowed a ball-peen hammer and hack saw from Mjolna and, with a small piece of steel that she had sharpened to a point, started banging away on the metal that she bought.
>For the past month it seemed like anytime she had a spare moment she would head out behind the house and commence tapping away with her hammer.
>Tap-Tap-Tap.
>Tap-Tap-Ta-Tap.
>It’s a good thing that you are a carpenter or the constant tapping might have driven you bat-
>Crazy. The tapping might have driven you crazy.
>But it had all been worth it.
>When she was done, the twin bangles that Carnelian had shown you were beautifully wrought and worthy of Rarity’s attention.
>You feel confident that the fashion maven will commission more pieces from your assistant.
>Since it’s close to Carousel Boutique you decide to have breakfast at Sugarcube Corner.
>“What’ll you have Anon!” chirps Pinkie Pie.
“Hmn, I think I’ll have two of those danishes.”
>“Coming right up! Want any coffee with that?”
“Nah, just some orange juice.”
>As a vampire hunter you try to avoid stimulants like caffeine unless you really need them.
>Plus you enjoy the smug sense of self-satisfaction knowing that everyone else around you is miserable until they get their first cup of java in the morning.
>You seat yourself at one of the tables while Pinkie puts your order together.
>It’s always puzzled you why the ponies in this world bother with chairs and stools.
>Surely they would be more comfortable sitting on cushions on the floor?
>Oh well. It means you have something to sit on so you’re not going to question it too closely.
>Pinkie brings your order and you dig in.
>There are apricot danishes in front of you and all is right with the world.
>Just as you are finishing your breakfast, Carnelian walks in.
>She joins you at the table and you can’t help but notice the carefully neutral look she has on her face.
“Well?”
>She looks down for a moment.
>Then she gives you a toothy grin.
>“She loved them! She asked me to make another set in gold!”
“That’s great. And…?”
>“And, I got her to pay for the materials up front!”
“That’s my girl.”
>You had been quite insistent on that point when you were coaching your assistant earlier that week.
>Rarity only wanted the finest materials and you knew that anything she commissioned from Carnelian would likely have to be made out of gold.
>Oddly enough, while gems are incredibly common in Equestria, gold is actually pretty valuable.
>You can only suppose that the same ratio of elements exist here as they do back on Earth.
>Princess Sparkle would be a good one to ask about that, except you don’t feel like listening to a five hour treatise on the subject.
>You look at the bat pony sitting across from you and you realize that you have never seen her with such a giddy look on her face.
“Excited much?”
>“Yep!”
“Well you should be. Pinkie!”
>The pink mare materializes out of nowhere.
>“Yes, Anon?”
“Some breakfast for Ponyville’s newest entrepreneur. My treat.”
>Pinkie looks over at the other mare and waits for her order but Carnelian suddenly looks embarrassed.
>“Oh… I’ll just, uh, I’ll just have a grapefruit and some coffee.”
>Pinkie leans in. “Are you sure that’s all you want? I know you don’t eat bread, but we’ve got all kinds of other fruits too.”
>“No, just the grapefruit. Thanks.”
>“Alright.” Pinkie looks skeptical. “I just don’t want you to go away hungry.”
>Your friend’s behavior is a little troubling.
>Despite her limited diet, Carnelian has always had a healthy appetite.
>Why is she so skittish this morning?
>The bat-mare looks around as though looking for eavesdroppers.
>She leans in and, in a low voice, asks you a question.
>“Anon, do you think I’ve put on weight lately?”
>Your brain pauses for a second.
>It’s a feeling akin to that of being dropped in the middle of a mine-field.
>You want to get out, but you know that one wrong step could be your last.
>Staring at you friend, you decide to take the cowards way out.
“Under the Geneva Conventions I assert my right to refuse to answer any questions concerning weight that are given to me by any female, friend or foe.”
>“Huh? The what convention? C’mon Anon, I’m serious.”
>Sigh. You didn’t think that would work.
>Time for tactic number two when dealing with uncomfortable female questions: redirect with another question.
“Nel, why are you asking me this? Why the sudden concern about your weight?”
>Carnelian looks down and fidgets with the table cloth.
>“Well, you see, after we got done looking at the pieces I brought, Rarity wanted me to try on some dresses that she had been working on. She wanted to see what designs made for a pegasus would look like with my wings.”
>Rarity.
>You should have known.
>Seriously, that mare ought to have her own reality show with all the useless fake drama that she drums up.
>“I tried on a couple of different dresses but they were all kind of, um… They didn’t fit well. Anyway, I think I need to lose some weight.”
>She gets a determined look on her face.
>“I figure I’ll cut down on the blood, and stick to lighter fruit. Maybe I’ll try some kale juice or something.”
“Kale juice? Ok, that’s just crazy talk. I’m willing to bet that those dresses were made for professional models. That means that they’re probably designed for ponies that are about as big around as my wrist.”
>“Well, I suppose. But-“
“Nope. If you start judging yourself against other when it comes to your weight I’m pretty sure you’ll go nuts."
>“But-”
>Suddenly, Pinkie jumps out from under the table.
>“Silly Nelly! Rarity’s stuff never fits right the first time. Why, every time she makes me something she always has to let it out some.”
>You look over at this pony who is the second chubbiest mare you know right behind Mrs. Cake.
>Somehow you don’t think she is helping your case very much.
“Look, I’m probably not the best person to ask about this kind of stuff. I mean, frankly, all you ponies look the same to me. If it weren’t for your manes and cutie marks I wouldn’t even be able to tell you apart. But if you’re really concerned about your weight then get a little more exercise and try a sensible diet. And I don’t mean kale juice.”
>“Hmm, I guess you’re right.”
>Phew. Crisis averted.
>“Hey!” cries Pinkie Pie. “I just got a great idea!”
>Or, maybe not.
>“Anon, come with me. Nel, you wait here O.K?”
>Before you can object, Pinkie is dragging you behind the lunch counter into the kitchen.
>“Alright, let’s see.” She pulls out a blender and sets it on the counter.
>With the deliberation of an artist choosing their materials, Pinkie Pie starts pulling ingredients off of shelves and out of the refrigerator.
>“Let’s see. First, some vanilla ice cream as a base. Then, a banana. Then, some mangos and cherries and strawberries. Some avocado and cucumber. Aaaaaaand, some malted milk.”
>She shovels all of this and more into the blender and hits the pulse button a few times.
>You’re genuinely afraid to ask what she’s making.
>She ladles a little of the concoction out and tastes it.
>“Hummn… Not bad, but it needs something.”
>She glances out at the dining area.
>“I know! Anon, gimme your paw.”
“I don’t have a paw. I have a hand.”
>“Yeah, sure. Gimme one of your hands.”
>You dutifully hold out your hand.
>In one deft motion Pinkie slides a large chef’s knife out of its block and-
>‘Slickt!’
“Ow! Pinkie what the heck?!”
>You look down at your bleeding palm.
>The mare who just knifed you is holding the blender’s carafe under your hand and is using it to catch your blood.
“Listen missy, you’d better tell me why you did that or I’m going to report you for assault!”
>“Oh, quit being such a baby Anon. I didn’t even cut you that bad.”
>Satisfied that she has enough of your blood, she puts the blender back on the counter and hands you a paper towel.
>It’s true the cut is little more than a prick but you are shocked that she would do something like that.
>She blends the strange mixture for a bit and then pours it into a large glass.
>After dolloping some whipped cream and tossing a cherry on top she declares her creation finished.
>“Well, I hope this tastes good, because after your little addition I ain’t taste testing it.”
>You’re still kind of pissed at the pink confectioner but you have to admit that you’re curious about the purpose behind this monstrous milkshake.
>After the addition of your blood it’s pretty obvious who it’s meant for.
>Pinkie walks it out to the front and sets it before your assistant.
>“Here you go Nelly. Drink up!”
>Carnelian looks at the shake dubiously and glances up at you.
>You just shrug.
>As far as you can tell there is nothing out and out poisonous in Pinkie’s creation.
>With some trepidation, the bat pony takes a small sip through the straw.
>Then her eyes go wide.
>“Wow, this is delicious!”
>“Yuppers! You said you were thinking about a diet and so I created this. It’s Pinkie’s special diet shake: bat pony version!”
>“Wow, thanks Pinkie!” Carnelian smacks her lips and starts sucking down more of the milk shake.
“Wait. A diet shake?”
>“Uh huh. She just drink’s one for breakfast and one for lunch, and then she has a sensible dinner. That’s how Rarity does it when she diets.”
“But that shake you just made. It’s full of fat and sugar!”
>“So?”
>You haven’t facepalmed this hard in a long, long time.
“Pinkie, I want you to listen to me very carefully, O.K?”
>“O.K.”
“The kinds of shakes that Rarity drinks are probably nothing more than some crushed ice and some wheat grass. If Nel were to drink two of your ‘special shakes’ every day she’d gain a ton of weight!”
>“Oh…” Pinkie looks downcast.
>You don’t mean to be so harsh but sometimes the blunt approach is the only one that works on this mare.
“Look, you meant well. Maybe you can ask the Princess if she has any books on proper nutrition, yah?”
>“Sure.” She looks over at Carnelian.
>“Don’t you worry. I’ll help you shed those pounds.”
>And with that declaration Pinkie rushes out the front door.
>Wait. Isn’t she supposes to be minding the shop?
>You’re really glad she’s not your employee.
>Speaking of employees…
“So, is that shake good?”
>“Um, yes.”
>She hasn’t so much as looked at the treat since you declared it fattening.
“Well then drink up.”
>“Huh? But you said-”
“I said if you drank one every day that you would gain weight. Today we’re celebrating your success, so drink up. We’ll worry about that other stuff tomorrow.”
>She still looks unsure, but with further coaxing she starts enjoying her milkshake again.
>You muse to yourself that no matter where you go in the universe, females will always be females.
>Just about the time that Carnelian is finishing her treat, Pinkie Pie breezes back into the shop.
>“O.K! I got someone who can help you burn those calories!”
>Someone who can- Oh no, she can’t mean…
>A multi-colored flash streaks through the front door announcing the arrival of the last pony you would ever choose to be a personal trainer.
>“Alright, I heard somebody’s worried that they’re getting a fat flank.” cries Rainbow Dash. “Well, The Dash is every fat flank’s worst nightmare!”
>Oh, boy.

To be continued…