Thread 7: Stories 16-30

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>Chrysalis
"Luna"
'???'
~~~~~~~~

"What the fuck!?"

>AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHOWHATTHEFUCKISTHISWHOTHEFUCKIS.... Luna!?

"No, seriously, royal canterlot speak can stand aside for a moment, what the fuck?"

>...Why am I dreaming about Luna? This is so weird.

"It's actually me!"

>What, like, Luna-Luna, not dream Luna but real Luna?

"Correct! I have entered into your dream to find information, but instead am just confused."

>You can walk into ponies dreams!?

"And Changelings, apparently."

>WHA- I just- THAT IS A HUGE VIOLATION! I'm being violated right now!

"..."

>...Wait, shit, right, the whole pre-wedding hullabaloo. Is hullabaloo a word? Need to look that up later, it feels like a word.

"Focus! What the fuck!"

>What?

"Why on Equestria are you dreaming about this?"

>Why wouldn't I be?

"THIS IS SO WEIRD!"

>It's fine!

"No, fine is when I walk into Celestia's dream and seen her in battle with a giant cake. Fine is when I go to Fluttershy's dream and see her taking over the world as a beast-master. Fine is when I walk into Twilight's dream and see her in the arms of her brother made out entirely of book pages."

>...

"Okay, that last one was pretty weird too. But this... This is just freaky!"

>I don't have to justify myself to you! This is my dream! I won't even remember it when I wake up, I never do! It's subconscious! So you know what? You can suck on my DREAMPUNCH!

"How does everyone know tha-"

*DREAMCRASH!*

>Finally!... Man, in retrospect, she was right. This is pretty depraved of me. Like, seriously, there has to be something fundamentally wrong with me at my core. Too bad I'm not going to remember this, I should probably get some counseling.

'Chrysalis? Come back! We can't finish without you!.'

>...Ehhh, why not enjoy it, while I'm here? No sense in getting worried over a dream. Scooch over, Cadence, not too much! Still want you to be close to me and Shiny.

'Good. Now, as I was saying, we are gathered here today...'
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>29
"DT"
~~~~~~~~

"What are you doing here?"

>...Hrm, you have a tiara, and what LOOKS like a royal cutie mark, but you look kind of young. Are you just a dwarf pony?

"...I'm ten."

>How old is that to ponies?

"I'm a minor."

>DENIED! Nope nope nope. Don't pluck the fruits before they're ripe, sweetheart.

"I just... what?"

>Look, little girl, I know you've probably heard stories of me and my various ways to make fantasies of varying and increasingly decadent natures a reality, but I'm not going to sleep with EVERYTHING that moves. Not even every royal, I have my limits.

"...Ew. I'm not even Royalty!"

>Oh. Minor nobility?

"No."

>Related to a Governor?

"Nope."

>Okay, look, I only stooped down to Mayor ONCE! Okay! ONCE! And that was only because I was honestly still wondering if the sword of fantasy still WORKED at that point. Never again!

Up above, peering over the balcony of the town hall, Mayor Mare waved.

>...Never.... Again.

"...Ewww. I might just hurl."

>I know, I sympathize. I felt so dirty afterwards... less than royalty, ME! I wanted to have a little cry. I had a big one instead... HAH! Innuendo. That always puts a smile on my face.

"...Are you indestructible?"

>Come again?

"Indestructible. You. Yes? No?"

>Well, I HAVE been pretty skimped in the love department here recently. Also, food, because strangely enough ponies don't take "Being in my presence" as a form of currency.

"..."

>I know, it confused me too.

"Hold still for a second."

>What's in the bag? Oh, did you not just hear me? Too young. No. We're not doing-

*CHA-CHUCK!*

>...Is that a rocket launcher?

"If I were you, I'd run."

>But I'll scuff my hooves!

*BOOOOM!*

>...FUCK THE HOOFICURE! I'M OUT!

"Run! RUUUN! AHAHAHAHAH!
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>Twilight
"Spike"
~~~~~
Tonight we join our heroes at a targeting range within Twilight's subspace laboratory and workshop where Spike looks over the latest developments

>So I've developed a lot of guns based on what I remember from the human world and I'm pretty confident that I'm at the stage to innovate.

"Oh, and it shows. Some of these look pretty impressive. What's this handgun? Seems kind of bulky compared to everything else."

>Its an experimental, recoiless sniper rifle that uses electromagnetic propulsion and magical fields to adjust an object's relative mass. These electronic components are combined with both an invisible, range-finder laser linked to a micro-computer and combined or can be overrided with a manual adjustment to allow the projectile to have as much speed and force as it needs depending on the range fired.

"Seems a bit too complex for me, but I think I could grow to love it. Hey, how about this other one?"

Spike immediately picks it up and Twilight smiles

>That's a .50 excaliber assault rifle I made that blends a bit of old and new.

"Excaliber? Don't you mean 'caliber'? I love this but the magazine's huge, what the heck is it?"

>It's a gun, Spike. A gun that shoots swords.

FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA-FWOCKA!

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After the initial shots Spike fired hit their mark, he smirks with some satisfaction to notice Twilight smirking and counting down

"Uhhh, Twilight-?"

BOOM!

>I forgot to mention, the swords are explosive as well.

"Holy-... Why did you even make it automatic then when one shot can kill a crowd?"

>Do you know the motto of Da Hogz in Hyperspace Hyperwars?

"Ah, yes..."

>"Never Enuff Dakka"

Spike sets the rifle aside and noticed another one.

"Whoa... Twilight, what's this?"

>Huh? That? that one's just for Public Opinion.

"What's it do?"

>It's a gun, Spike. A gun that shoots other guns.

Spike fires it a few times to confirm, indeed, it shoots other guns.

"What do the other guns shoot?"

>Deep-fried beer cans, if I recall.

Spike then picks up one of the smaller guns and confirms that as well.

"Where do they all come from?"


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>SA
"Shiny's Dad"
~~~~~~~

>Dad? What brings you all the way down here.

"Well, Son, I think it's finally time I passed on an old family heirloom. Been in our family for generations! And each one has updated and made it their own as it was passed from Parent to Child. Actually, as weird as this sounds, I think it started as a big stick."

>Oh?

"Yes. I think, at long last, Twilight is old enough I can hand this down to you."

>Wait, you were waiting for Twilight?

"No. More specifically, I was waiting for Applejack 2."

>...What?

He hand Shining Armor an ornate, very long and beautiful box.

"Use her well, Son."

He opens it up, revealing a very powerful looking shotgun.

"And the instant someone looks at your little girl wrong, blow that fucker to the great beyond."

>...Thanks, Dad.

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>Applejack 2
"AJ 29"
~~~~~
"Heeeeey, 2. What'cha got there?"

>Abduction papers! Caddy and Shiny say they're my mommy and daddy now! I'm so happy I could burst!

"Uhh... I think you mean adoption- Oh, hey! This mean you're a princess, aren't you?"

2 gasps

>I AM A PRINCESS!

"So, would you-"

Chit-chink!

29 looks up and sees Shining Armor so angry, his eyes are smoking with dark magic as he levitates a shotgun in 29's face

"... And you are just the prettiest of princesses! So pretty i shouldn't sully with my presence! Bye!"
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>Shining Armor
"Spike"
'Poindexter'
[Chrysalis]
-18-
{Cadence}
~42~
~~~~~~

>What are you smiling about?

"Oh, I'm just pretty sure this game is going to be... fun. Really fun."

>...I think you might secretly have it in for me.

"Buddy, this is the highlight of my week, and let me tell you? That's saying something."

[MWAHAHAHAHAHA!]

-She's been doing that for a solid week. I'm serious, I heard her do it when I walked by the shower every morning.-

~Well, whatever it's about had better be beneficial! I did not spend seventy two hours painting this figure to perfection for a bunch of scrubs to mess it up!~

-I WON'T FUCK UP I PROOOOMISSSE!-

~You'd better not.~

'Remember when it was just us three, and we could actually get past the first turn before twenty minutes had past? Good times.'

"Alight, the land of Elegasia is beautiful and serene, and you're camped just outside it's borders."

-Roll for advanced Shiny-Sexing!-

>Every goddamn-

[Roll counter to steal the enchantment back!]

-What!? You can't do that!-

[Normally, no. But thanks to that blood ruby I just so happened to find last game, I've forged a new weapon! My Spellbinder Weave! AHAHAHAHAH!]

-NO! With that, she can steal any magic spell once per ten turns!-

[INDEED! And now, I roll!]

-...NO!-

[SHINY IS MINE AGAIN! AHAHAHAHAH!]

-NOOOO!-

{Roll counter to steal enchantment.}

[AHAHAH- what?]

{I made a Spellbinder Weave too.}

[BUFFALOSHIT! How did you know about that!? You know nothing! You died twice because you didn't understand you couldn't hug the damn demon spiders! HOW!?]

{Spike told me.}

The massive, shit eating grin on his face said it all.

[YOU LITTLE-]

'Oh hey, success.'

{Yay! Shiny's mine now!}

-I use counter to steal Enchantment!-

'Can she do that?'

"She can use it anytime the enchantment is between two other players, this works."

-HAHA! I've stolen him back!-

[Not so fast! Because the enchantment was removed in the same turn, my Spellbinder Weave was reset! I can use it again!.... HAH! He's mine again!]

{Rolling again.}

[DAMN YOU!}

-Steal again!-

[Steal again!]

{Gimme back my Shiny!}

-Fuck you!-

[FUCK YOU!]

{Stop saying mean words!}

>How much longer can they keep this up?

'I feel like they're forgetting something.'

"Three... Two... one..."

-Steal again!-

"You drop dead."

-Wait, what!?-

[HAH! Steal again!]

"Down you go."

[Wait a minute!]

'GIMME SHINY!'

"Aaaand, boom goes the dynamite. Did you guys just forget that you die if you use up all your mana before the first turn?"

-...SHIT!-

[FUCK!]

{I didn't forget!... I didn't read that far in. It's confusing.}

>So, wait, what happens to me?

"Cadence has to send your enchantment somewhere, or you die."

[HAH! Send him to my other character, I swear, I'll do him right!]

-No! Send him to me! I'm not Chrysalis, that has to be worth major points!-

'You could send him to me. My stats suck.'

{Oh, that's easy. I send him to 42!}

~...Wait, what?~

[YOU SUCK!]

"42 is not enchanted with the love spell, and gets the power up. Assuming, of course, they make some sweet music."

~...O-oh! Of... of course. Uh, S-Shining Armor, come over here and... and let's g-g-g...~

[I take it back.]

-Wow, look at her face.-

~C-can we do it like... like this?~

>Wow, 42, didn't know you were into ponystyle.

~I-IT'S NOT ME IT'S MY CHARACTER! IMMERSION! I'M IMMERSING! MY CHARACTER LIKE THIS BUT NOT ME!~

[She's gonna explode.]

-You want the figures, 42? Want to act it out?-

~N-NO! IT'S FINE! SHUT UP!~

'I'm going to scoot over a bit, she's scaring me.'

>Whoa, 42, it's okay, no need to-

~SHINY AND ME HAVE SEX AND IT'S MAGICAL AND HAPPY AND FUN AND I END MY TURN OH PLEASE CELESTIA LET IT END!~

The table went dead silent.

~U-uh... my character was a virgin, so I was... roleplaying. Yeah. Got really into the character there. Woo! Who's ready to kill some monsters, eh?~

Cadence pats her on the shoulder.

{You did fine, sweetie. Glad you ended up with Shiny.}

~T-thanks...~

"I love this game."
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>Spike
"Celestia"
~~~~~
>Celestia, I heard about you taking the band away from Applejack and why.

"Oh, so you think a tiny little dragon is going to take it back before I get my cake budget returned, is that it? It's a very beautiful gift you gave her, even if it's somewhat slipshod, I can see the love you put into it when you made it. But this kind of work is quite fragile. If we were to struggle, it could get broken."

>I'm not here to force you, Celestia.

"Ah! Give me some vacation with a quick shot to the head."

Almost faster than she could blink, she saw a flash of steel and stared down the barrels of twin S&W 500, then she noticed the emptied cylinders flicked out, the bullets sliding from their chambers, then Spike toss the guns aside.

>Nope.

After a moment to regain her composure, Celestia smirked then telekinetically seized the discarded arms, instantly reloaded them and turned them on Spike

"So, since you've thrown away the only card you have to negotiate with, then what, precisely, did you imagine you might say or do that could convince me to give up one of the few things that gives me pleasure in life?"

>By asking if among those things that give you pleasure is the neglect and suffering of the ponies of Equestria or the Crystal Empire?

"..."

Celestia now turns the guns on herself

Spiiinnn-

Spike grabs them and gently pulls them away.

>No, Celestia. It won't help, and it doesn't make you feel any better.

"nothing else really does either."

>Do you remember when you first became sworn to watch over this land?

"Hah, Luna and I never wanted to rule. We were basically murderhobos back then. But killing Discord meant someone had to take over, and unfortunately, it was us."

>Why? You could have just walked away. Let them figure it out for themselves.

"... Because I wanted to help them. We wanted to help them. It hurt to see how much they suffered, how scared they were after everything that had happened."

>And then?

"We had only meant to help them through their first year. Then it became a decade, then we said 'heck, let's make it an even century!' We were immortal, what did a century or three matter to us?"

>So you stayed

"Because we loved them. Because for ages Luna and I were no different from any other barbarian savage who wandered the Discordiant Wastelands in search of treasure, victory, and glory. We often caused more problems than we solved, and we solved the arising problems the same way we caused them 'hit it harder'."

Celestia laughs sadly

"We loved them because they looked to us without fear. Because they saw past the hides, the woad, and the bloody magical arms were scarcely cleaned. We loved them and they loved us."

>And you would have done anything for them as they would have done anything for you?

Celestia nods and slowly breaks down

"I'm horrible, aren't I? I couldn't keep to my commitments, the promises I've broken to the families who I swore under my wing..."

Suddenly Spike hugs Celestia.

>You're not bad at all. You're just another pony just like them. We're not perfect, we forget sometimes why we do what we do, what we have to do. Sometimes we just need time to clear our heads.

"Thank you, Spike."

>You're welcome.

"About the cake budget-"

>Forget about it, though I'm going to see if Twilight will accept her surplus going into maybe a vacation for you. After a thousand years, I think you've earned some time truly to yourself.

Celestia smiles.

"Spike?"

>Yeah?

The band rolls to his feet

"Applejack is very lucky have you."

>I'm just sorry I haven't been here for you as much as I should have.

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR

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>Shining
'Sombra'
-Chrysalis-

-YOU SON OF A-HOW!?-

>Wow, he just decimated your gaunts like it was nothing.

-Rrrgh smokey assed piece of...-

'The Shattertalon Stratagem, a lovely little ploy I learned during the Second War of Gryphon Aggression.'

-...-

>...the what?

'The Second War of Gryphonian Aggression? The last campaign Commander Hurricane fought in before her assassination?'

>...the jerk from the Hearthswarming Play?

'...Are...are there ANY books about pre Princess history left in Equestria!?'

-Again with the dots.-

>I never really checked, the only books I really read were adventure novels and drill manuals.

'You're...you're jesting. Surely.'

>Not really, there wasn't really a need to do any research, we just trained and did our duty as guards. War never really came up since we had a living deterrent in the princess.

'Once I get finished exterminating her pathetic horde you and I are going to have a long discussion about proper military strategy. Also I see you moving those pieces around, you treacherous insectoid.'

-...hateyousomuch.-

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>Shiny
"Sombra"
'Twilight'
*42*
~~~~~
"The Terracotta army trick? Someone is better read than their brother on historical tactics"

'I took four semesters on military history in highschool in hopes of helping Shiny!'

"Your words fell on deaf ears and a dull mind."

'Hah! The Battle of Jahai formation? Do I look like a lich?'

>Whoa, this match is pretty intense, it's hard to keep up.

*Not as much as you think. Your sister's getting her anus plundered*

>What? But Sombra's already lost a fifth of his army and Twily's still got everyone

*Because Twilight's relying on hit-and-run, Sombra's controlling the battlefield, and everyone he's lost are all very basic units. Three more turns and she'll be completely surrounded and then routed*

'AH! How did this happen?!'

"Your study and respect for historical strategy is admirable, Twilight Princess, but, and learn well from this too, Shining Armor, it's not enough to simply know the strategies of ages past! You must understand all of their strengths, their weaknesses, and how to innovate new ones."

>... Cosmic.

*Shame you don't have a body anymore, Somby, sounds like we could have had a hell of a slug out*

Sombra tosses 42 the rulebooks.

"perhaps not physically, but we can test ourselves as generals."

*Your on, smokey!*

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>Spike
"Applejack"
'???'
~~~~~
"Omph!"

>You two okay?

"Yeah, she's jus' gettin' an early start on practicin' buckin'."

>'She'? How do you know it's a girl?

"She's growin' in mah body, Ah think Ah know what goes on in there-"

'THIS SHIT AIN'T LOGICAL!'

>Princess Luna?! What are-

'Dragon, what impossible fantasy is this?! You hatched from an egg, Applejack is a mammal! YOUR BLOOD ALONE NEARLY KILLED HER! In what world could you two possibly be biologically compatible-...?"

The scene's already faded away leaving Spike and Luna in a void.

>Thanks, Luna. Great protector of dreams you are. First time I sleep in months and I'm not even allowed to indulge in a fantasy. Yeah, I know even if every mare I would consider for a romantic option is now immortal, as a dragon I still won't be able to live among the same people who raised me and I've cared for forever, but is it so much to to let a guy enjoy one dumb fantasy?

'... Could you not have just dream punched us from your mind?'

>No point. I need to wake up anyway and get back on the paper work.

'You've only slept for half an hour!'

>What you've always wanted, right? People who remain awake all through your beautiful night.

Luna hangs her head as the dreamscape crumbles around them.

'But seriously, this shit isn't logical.'

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR

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>Cadence
"Twilight"
'Shiny'
-42-
*Sombra (written)*
------------
Cadence walks past the room, peeks her head in.
>How long have you all been there? I've been looking all afternoon.

Twilight doesn't even look away from the table
"3 hours."

>Who's winning?

'Neither of them.'

>Huh?

'They've been at a stalemate for the last half-hour.'

"Whenever one of them makes a move, the other counters it, and it nobody wins."

>3 hours, seriously?

"Sombra was winning for the first hour, then 42 found a weakness and started an assault. 42 was edging an advantage for the next hour."

'It's just been quickplay strategies and counter-strategies since then.'

>...
>So who's winning?

' "No-one!" '
>...
-...-
-Call it a draw?-
*...*
*Fine.*

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>Luna
'Sombra'

>...how?

'Hm?'

>You're a ghost, ghosts don't dream, you're dreaming. How?

'Ah, my apologies, I've been attempting to stretch my legs in terms of magic, test my limits as it were. What you see is an attempt to broadcast my memories into a dreamscape. I'm not asleep but...it gives me something to think of as the castle's other residents do so.'

>Rather unorthodox.

'I always have been.'

Luna begins to pay attention to the dream, a young and decidedly less monstrous Sombra looks out from atop a crumbling battlement over what had formerly been a battlefield.

>One of your early conquests?

'This early? Ha. I hadn't even finished my apprenticeship to Magus Constellio at the time, assisting him in his studies in magical healing. No, this was the battle of Blackfeather Keep, where the first united army of Ponykind forced the Gryphon surrender-'

>And ended the Second War of Aggression, yes we are aware.

'Of course, of course. Do you know who lead our forces in this battle?'

>Commander Hurricane.

'Correct, a great mare, the most efficient military mind of her time. You know how many equal her measure in our age?'

>Certainly, myself, Celestia, Princess-

'Princess Applejack, Princess Sparkle, Princess Fluttershy, Princess Scullery Maid, Princess Chamber Pot Cleaner, I asked for equals to Commander Hurricane, stallions or mares who would stand for their species and lead them to glory. I did not ask for deities who prance about in crowns.'

'I believe I do. Equestria and the Empire have become stagnant, barely held together by Princesses, Princesses, and More Princesses, and there's only one making a bit of difference.'

>Bite your tongue, Wisp, do you not know who you speak to?

'I know that before you came along ponies could stand on their own four hooves, now they lean upon your sister's ever expanding flank for support...and she is teetering.'

>Excuse me?

'The appearance of new Princesses shows me one thing, that what worked once is beginning to unravel, and no amount of bandages can cover a body as hemorrhaged as this.'

>You-

'Equestria needs ponies, not Princesses, ponies of a strong will and a desire to help those around them. That is why I am standing-well, floating- by those I once tried to destroy, and it is why every time Armor brings up not becoming an Alicorn, I thank whatever being governs our world he was not.'

The younger Sombra is called away by a trio of soldiers, staggering drunkenly and goes to join in their revelry.

'My memory becomes hazy after this time, Princess, I would thank you to see yourself out.'

The Elder Sombra floats away, leaving Luna alone.

>...not even a dreampunch? Oh fine.
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>18
"Sombra"
~~~~

>Oh, thank god, Shiny and me can FINALLY-

"Do more of Cadenza's work?"

>-get some sleep and... was that supposed to interrupt me? You can't interrupt with a piece of paper, Sombra.

"Nonetheless, I could not let the moment go to waste."

>And YES, actually. You know she actually over-wrote Shiny's armor proposal for a new one? Why? Because it looked tacky! Seriously! Oh, never mind our Empire's synthetic diamond makes for MUCH better armor! No! It's just looks-

"Our Empire?"

>-so... Seriously, stop trying to cut me off. Paper. And yes 'our Empire', I work here too. I get a little paycheck and everything!

"I have seen your wages, they are not little."

>...Shiny appreciates me.

"As do I."

>Come again?

"In this world of immortal beings who cannot manage a fence, inept guards who fail to notice when their leader is abducted, and the over reliance on an elite few to solve every single issue that arises, big or small, it warms the mist that was once my heart to see someone like you."

>Like... me?

"You are not of nobility, or of higher education, or of any political importance. And yet, when the princess of this land faltered, you stepped up. I was once like you. Worthless. But I too rose up! I too claimed my land and kingdom! Oh, to be so young again..."

>I'm not going to conquer anything.

"...No, I suppose you wouldn't. You care too much for the prince. I understand that."

>As much as this hurts to admit, you're underselling it.

"But perhaps there are... other ways to obtain rule?"

>No more dots.

"IT'S SO HARD TO BE CHARISMATIC WITH THE WRITTEN WORD!"

>You said it.

"Think about what I said. You will never pry Shining Armor from that vapid airhead, and due to the little one I do not wish such, but there is more than one way to pluck a griffon."

With that he left.

>...I never understand what anyone is saying anymore.

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>SA
"Sombra"
'????'
~~~~~~~

>This is the greatest moment of my life.

"HOW!? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!?"

>This, right here? This is up there with my wedding night.

"NO! ALL MY FORWARD LINE! ANNIHILATED!"

>If I could, I would use the time travel spell to play this over, and over, and over...

"M-maybe I can still pull back! I just need to-NO! HOW DID YOU ANTICIPATE THAT!?"

>That's got to sting.

"THIS IS IMPOSSIBLLLE!"

'Yay! I'm winning!'

>You sure are, sweetie, you sure are.

"Trying to understand you mind is like trying to understand chaos itself! IT CANNOT BE DONE!"

'I just wanted to make the figures make a little heart. See? Cause I love my Shiny and Somby!'

>Love you too, Two.

"NOOOOOO!'

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