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- Thinking a bit of different sexual ethics systems I was exposed to:
- - From my mom: Radical extremist non-scholarly Christianity mixed with a certain Boomery selfish individualism+prison rules: Being gay/gender-nonconforming/sleeping-around is wrong for other people, but I enjoy doing it a lot myself
- - From my dad, mostly in a paranoid conspiracy bent: There is nothing wrong with being gay/gender-noncoforming etc, but everyone has aids so try not to have sex with anyone
- - From liberal rural college hookup scene, 2004ish: Being gay/gender-noncoforming/sleeping-around is great! But also maybe makes you a target of derision. A lot of unexamined transphobic type attitudes. Nobody knew exactly what to think because Contrapoints wasn't around.
- - From liberal rural college townie social scene: I think the best way to describe the overarching mores are "Masculinist Drag Queen" - being a man ho is celebrated, being a man ho that tests gender boundaries is celebrated, being 'okay with the gays' and 'down for girl power' seem like societal requirements - but there's a lot of double standards. Female promiscuity is mostly looked down on (People flirt with it as a sign that they're 'edgy', but still). There's a lot of sexual assault of women, with some expectation for people to look the other way. There's a lot of sleeping with underage girls, and at least one suicide related to it.
- Another way I'd describe the liberal rural college townie scene is putting a lot of sexual standards on women based on "Drama", which seems very relevant as there's only 100 potential people to befriend that ever go out and nobody has anything better to do than talk about who's doing what with who.
- A woman who has sex with a lot of people is 'drama'. (which is never used to describe promiscious men)
- A woman who makes a big deal out of someone who sexually assaulted them is 'drama'.
- A woman who is trying to impose some sort of feminist idea on people is 'drama'.
- (Disregarding the use of the term to control women, there were/are some drama llamas there, don't get me wrong)
- This idea of 'dramatic' women being the new 'sinful' women for Gen X/millenial post-christian patriarchial men was a contuining strong thread in online anti-feminism, visible in crusades against Zoe Quinn, Anita Sarkeesian, etc, sites like kiwifarms and ED, etc, where obsessive stalking/harassment/doxing of women became justified due to them being 'attention seeking'.
- Over time, distinctly anti-christian/militant atheist attitudes in patriarchal young men would be replaced with a circle of ideas from "The manosphere", particularly red pill, incels, mgtow, jordan peterson, "intellectual dark web", being the idea: Even if god isn't real, the gender roles enforced by judeo-christian society were better for everyone, and we're all a bit lost now, so we should enforce those roles and/or kind of pretend that god is real (But also, its REALLY BAD when muslims do the same thing)
- In this world, women who resist patriarchy aren't 'drama' anymore, they're feminazis, or post-modern neo-marxists, or criminal politicans (see treatment of hillary/aoc), and the men are 'cucks' or 'race traitors' (Resistance of patriarchy is combined with white nationalist fears of miscegenation, may take a bit to unwind that)
- Next sexual ethic system I was exposed to:
- - Liberal rural sex party culture
- I first have to say the scene I was a part of was better than pretty much any sex party/kink scene I've heard of afterwards, because mostly those are run by and for middle aged male "dominants", with a couple of irritating/terrible cultural facets thereof (Strangely similar to Laveyan satanism, down to including women/gays/gender-nonconforming people/dominant women etc. in a way they're very loud about being 'inclusive' but in a subordinated way). This was only like 10-20% of the humboldt sex party culture so kudos to making that happen.
- From my experience this was the first group I was exposed to that was supportive of female promiscuity. Everyone read The Ethical Slut. most of the people there were there to engage in heterosexual sex, ideally on a short time frame so shaming women for being promiscuous would be counterproductive. Instead, there was definitely a sense, similar to other scenes I've described but moreso, that new to the scene attractive women were a resource, essentially chum, and that it was an understood thing for the expected guys to circle around her and ask her if she knows what her collar really means, oh boy
- Trans-inclusion was kind of lopsided. It again felt like a societal requirement to be "Down with the gays", whoever the gays are. It was a very tolerated thing for male identified people to crossdress, etc. But it wasn't what I'd call a trans inclusive space. People would routinely make transphobic comments without being challenged ("Isn't people going into bathrooms taking it too far?"), there was a lot of challenging people's gender identities, even otherwise cool Milfs would create a lot spaces that excluded trans women. (Perhaps due to there being a lot of kind of cringey horny middle aged crossdressers)
- I want to go into a little bit the concept of the "Sexless loser", which nowadays we would call an Incel.
- So the first time I would encounter this concept was being very young, and hearing my mom trash talk about my dad for being a virgin when they got married. This was really strange, when combined with her incredibly insistant (to this day) requests that none of her kids have premarital sex. But I could pick up this christian vague contradiction that I think flows through a lot of culture: People SHOULD wait till marriage to have sex (ESPICIALLY YOU LADIES!!!), but at the same time, guys who don't have sex are weird damaged creeps.
- Throughout my other socializations, and a little bit with reading the internet, I continued to gain an understanding of the this idea of being a "Sexless Loser", which seemed to apply exclusively to men. Being in nerd circles, I was exposed to some guys who I would put into this category, who tended to have traits like: Being very sexually inexperienced, being anti feminist, being very nerdy, having very strange ideas about women (Typically exalting particular women but also being against feminism/women organizing), being socially conservative, being socially clueless, being resentful and mean towards women, making women uncomfortable, having Weird Sex Ideas, etc.
- Growing up, I was extremely fixated on not being a Sexless Loser. As I was raised by a Sexless Loser and an incredibly confusing religious terrorist, and also prevented from having social interaction until I was 18, this felt like a really serious struggle to overcome, especially when in a lot of these social situations (college, liberal rural townies) I felt like I was already being rejected as a sexless loser to some extent, in addition to some inappropriate behavior related to being mentally ill/socially stunted etc. The big challenge in humboldt was that everyone was a little lame and kind of a loser, and thus everyone was under pressure to strive for whatever cool points were possible in their life, which I was definately not handing out.
- A lot of these feelings of wanting to not be a sexless loser intertwined with a new trans identity, being: I didn't only want to have sex with women but also I really wanted to be around femininity, women seemed like much more interesting people than men, I wanted to be in feminine spaces as a salve to not having the feminine energy I wish I had. I also had this vague sense that there were real/okay transfeminine people/feminine men, and there were Sexless Loser crossdressers who were definately not valid and also kept trying to run The Cube on my friends, and it was very important to be a person who has sex in order to fit into the real/okay transfeminine/feminine men category.
- So in the liberal rural sex party culture, the expectations seemed to be: You really don't have to be that cool to be accepted, cuz we're mostly in our 30s and 40s, we're mostly nerds of some sort and sex parties are kind of dorky. There's a definite Short Bus-y quality of we're a group of people who are a little behind and our learning how to fit together under new sexual mores we wern't exposed to, so I had a lot easier time fitting in. But there was still a certain attitude of, the more you got laid the cooler you were, and if we've never seen you get as much as a handy than that's kind of suspect, dude. There's still a vague understanding of The Creepy Guys, which might have been understood as: The guys trying to get with everybody and who aren't getting with anybody. If they could get with one person + not try to have sex with one person they would ascend into the perfectly acceptable realms of Aggressive Dude That Wants To Tell You What Your Collar means, which was a perfectly acceptable place to be.
- I would have a hard time describing "The sexual ethics systems of San Francisco and Portland" - a stable ethics system depends on a stable social population that is tightly interlinked. That's mostly been missing in my social circles in the bay area and Portland. They consist of atomized social circles, and are very transitory places, both in people moving in and out of the location and also moving into and out of different roles and positions - I just became a woman startup founder, is it okay for me to meet up with an investor in whats obviously being turned into a date? - such conditions create a loosely connected group of people who don't all clearly understand or agree on the same idea of ethics.
- My late twenties early thirties was more about being exposed to the sexual ethic systems of the internet, fucked up little ride that was. The most relevant to discuss related to narrative themes I've brought up in previous systems and also increasing body count in real life would be incels, which could be considered to be one part of a vague fucked up thing called the Manosphere.
- Manosphere beliefs could be summarized as follows: Post-monogamy (Which is decreasing due to waning christian religious authority as well as women achieving enough financial independence to not need a husband), most women won't sleep with most guys, instead mostly sleeping with The Same Cute Hunks. The rest of the guys will start being really accommadating to women in order to sleep with them maybe, with effects on our legal and political system? This is seen to be an extremely dramatic, apolcayptic turn of events.
- The slightly different versions of weird man covens all put a slightly different spin on how to respond to these events, all minor variations on
- > tfw no cute gf to satisfy malignant narcissism
- Pick Up Artisty: Learn One Weird Wizard trick to attract these women anyway, and also engage in the samey kind of self help industry of the last 50 years. They're probably the least angry of the bunch, having a certain attitude of "its our responsibility to get with the times and live the life we want", very glengary glen ross. Positivity is possibly based on the community's focus on selling products.
- Its interesting to try to pull ethics from a loose conglomeration of salesman, hucksters and MLM participants (And some people legitimately trying to help others/be helped) - If I could, it would be something like: *try* not to break up families, *try* not to step on the toes of other people in your wizard cult (The last quarter of The Game is about the bipolar freakouts that happen when people are stepping on the toes of other people in their wizard cult), women are both interchangeable sources of practice and entertainment, but they're also people who's lives you're capable of enriching with your interaction and you should celebrate/refine that
- Men Going Their Own Way (MGOTW): Just give up on having sex ever again and perpetually flick cigarettes off the balcony of your 1 bedroom apartment. Periodically go on the internet to announce to everyone, that yes, you've given up, and you might keep giving up if those females don't get their act together.
- Incels: If one were to believe incel mythology, they would have you believe that they are a group of people who have no hope of ever getting laid due to height/social awkwardness/virgin chin etc, and thus have gathered together to share their anger, resenment, and memes in celebrations of mass murderers who also were never going to bone.
- In reality, Inceldom is defined by people who are pathologically fixated on maintained their aggrieved loserdom. They're like fascists with their beliefs of being Robbed Of Their Eternal Glory, except by weak chins instead of immigrants (but also sometimes immigrants), but have resolved themselves to never work on this, and instead grow more weird and bitter.
- Far-right anti-feminist white nationalists: Instead of solving the problem on an individual level, they advocate for returning women to traditional roles by some mix of enforcing christian values, violent slut shaming, removal of birth control options, etc.
- The Red Pill: Some mix of incels, anti-feminist white nationalists and PUA, with emphasis that to get laid men should solely focus on the fundamentals of lifting and being kind of mean, none of that Fuzzy Hat Wizard Buisness, that's kinda gay dawg
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