War Face

>Day Sour Patch in Equestria
>It had started off simple enough.
>Celestia wanted to learn more about you, and share some of the things about Equestria
>So you'd touched her horn to your forehead and engaged in the ancient alicorn art of mental union.
>While it sounded really cool at the time, it was just a game of Memory taking place in an empty space
>You'd flip a card and try to find the match amongst the pile, and if you did you were treated to a quick burst of equine history.
>Okay, so that actually -was- pretty cool, but also boring.
>And it didn't last nearly as long as you thought it would either.
>Once Celestia realized that humans were more experienced in physical combat than ponies, she'd called an end to the game, leaving the two of you standing in the royal court, staring at one another.
>"Anonymous," she'd said with a cool, but devious voice, "I have a job for you."
>Which is how you ended up here.
>In Podunkville.
>...Ponyville.
>Apparently one of Celestia's students had taken up residence in the town, and was now in need of a protective service.
>Since the Royal Guard was already stretched thin between Canterlot and the Crystal Empire, that means a whole new batch of recruits had to be trained.
>Not that you know that much about horse military tactics, but what the heck, how could this go wrong?
>Stalking down the front of the gathered ponies, you put on your best serious expression and let your lips fall into a narrow line.
"All right you pastel ponies! My name is Anonymous, but you can call me Big Boss! And I'm going to be your trainer for the next three weeks. Got it?"
>"Yes, Big Boss!"
>Okay, forget any reservations you might have had; this is going to be awesome.

>Unable to hide your smile, you march up to the first pony in line, a bulky white pegasus who looks like he's been hitting growth hormones since he could suck on a bottle.
"Okay, maggot! Show me  your war face!"
>Red eyes bulge as the stallion lets loose a feral roar of, "YEAH!" and proceeds to contort his face into a mask of pain and suffering.
>The effect is not nearly as imposing as the stallion's size would suggest.
>He looks more like you do when you're stuck on the john and can't pass a decent log.
>Sighing, you wave him off and go to the next one.
"Now you!"
>The walleyed pegasus looks up at you with a happy grin, tilting her head to the side.
>She never breaks the smile.
>Or eye contact, somehow.
>It's kind of creepy, but not warface worthy.
>And so you continue down the line, with similar results.
>At last you reach the last two ponies.
>By this point you're on your last legs, frustrated with the continuous failures of your charges.
>A minty green unicorn grins as you walk up to her.
"You. Warface."
>She doesn't move.
>Just as you're about to request her warface again, you see her pupils dilate and her breathing accelerate.
>"HUMAN!" she screeches, lunging forward.
>With a speed you weren't aware you had, you step back and let the unicorn get a mouthful of road dust.
>Sighing, you turn to the last pony, a rather bored looking cream colored earth pony.
"All right, show me what you got."
>The mare stares at you for a moment, then shifts her eye to the side.
>Confused, you follow her gaze, but see nothing.
>Turning back, you're about to berate her when you see it.

>There it is.
>The warface you've been waiting for.
>You're nearly brought to tears as you observe the mare's scowling features, the furrowed brow, the thin lipped sneer, the narrowed eyes.
>It, it's perfect.
>But as you reach out to congratulate the pony, you see her cheeks suck inward.
>The face crumbles in an instant, looking now like she's been sucking on a lemon.
>Glaring at the creamy mare, you hold out your hand in front of her mouth.
"Spit it out."
>"Sthpith wath out?"
>She slurs.
>You don't move your hand until she sighs and, with a roll of her tongue, deposits the hard candy into your palm.
>You pick it up and roll it around between your fingers before giving it an experimental lick.
"Just as I suspected."
>You sigh and turn to the rest of the ponies.
"Warheads... I won't tolerate cheating! You're all dismissed until tomorrow. I need to send a missive to the Princess, and have a drink."
>Stomping towards your home, you pay no mind to the poines as they go back about their day.
>All save the minty one and the creamy one.
>"Aw, jeez," Lyra scowls, stumbling back to her hooves. "I almost had him. Well, that's okay, I'll get him tomorrow, right Bonnie?"
>The unicorn turns to her companion, finally noticing the rather tiny pinpricks that the earth mare's eyes had become.
>Her breathing is ragged as she watches you storm off.
>"He... he took my candy... and he put it in his mouth."
>Bon-Bon visibly squirms as a light red tinge colors her cheek.
>"Th-that's like a kiss, right? Because I had it in my mouth too?"
>Lyra's jaw drops as she too turns her attention towards your back.
>A slow smile slips across her lips.
>"...How lewd..."
>Once home, you sit yourself down and pull out a scroll and a pen.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
I want a new job.
Sincerely, Anonymous."
>Fucking Ponyville.