Jubilee, Feb 1 2013

Feb 1, 2013

21:22

I'm going to try to contact Jubilee now. I haven't heard from her since I

gave her a body, and I'm going to see if she can talk now. I'm probably also

going to go through the door in the one wall in this little wonderland

inside my head.

Conditions are a little less than ideal... My family is watching "The Hunger

Games" in the living room, with two new schnausers lying in the floor.

However, I'm listening to SoaringFlight's "Above Cloudsdale," as Jubilee

reacted so strongly to the song yesterday. I've got it set to loop in my

headphones and I'm lying on my relatively neat and made bed.

My glasses are now off (as it gets pretty uncomfortable wearing glasses and

full headphones at the same time) and I might not type much of the

experience out. I'm not entirely sure I will be able to, even, so here goes.

Okay, so I tried to make sense of a little of this experience (as in, less

than a minute) purely mentally, but that's not going to work. I need to give

my own mind time to make sense of all this, so I'm going to try to narrate

things through my typing. I'll close my eyes and type what I'm thinking, and

maybe what Jubilee thinks, too, so disregard any spelling errors.



Okay, I'm here in the room, Jubilee. I'm looking around, first left, then

right... I don't see... wait, I see a - why is there a bunk bed on the left?

on the right is a poster, to the right of the door. Is that ... is that a

dresser in the center of the room, agains tthe wall, between the bed and the

door? This looks like a 2-D take on my own bedroom. I don't remember this...

I didn't make the room look like this before I left it. Why is it this way

now? Jubilee, can you talk yeet? Can you tell me why the room looks like

this? I'd like to know... Let me turn up the volume on the music, I don't

wnt to be distracted by "The Hunger Games" in the living room. Yeah I'm sure

i didn't leave the room looking like this. But i guess you just did this on

your own? Where are you Jubilee? I can't see you clearly. Are you here in

this room? Are you flying? I can't tell, the music is distracting me. I'm

going to turn it down a little now so I can focus on you Jubilee. Jubilee,

are you in here? I can almost see you, but I don't know if you are. Wait,

why are you running to the door? Are you runing to the door, even? Where

does it go, please talk to me! I don't know if you're trying to talk to me,

Jubilee@@ It's so hard to tell if my thoughts are my own or if they're

yours. I don't want to parrot so hard, but I can't tell if you're actually

using your voice. I'll follow you through the door, Jubilee. Open it, show

me what's on the other side.That ws a little frightening, Jubilee. I don't

know what just happened. It seemed for a moment that there was noly a blank,

bright light on the other side of the door, and then I saw a face... I don't

think it ws your face, and it looked rather creepy, it looked kind of like

the ... I don't know for sure. i want to say itl ooked a little like the

Happy Mask Salesman, but I think that's just me projecting, since he already

looks so creepy. And there it was again. I saw a face, and it was really

close to my own. Oh my god it's embedded into my retinas. I can see it

whenever I close my eyes. It's scaring me. It's a rather plain face, it

seems to me to be that of a human male, a young adult. He has a pleasant

grin on his face, and his eyes are ... his eyes... they look empty. I

couldn't distinguish the eyes f - I mean, the whites from the iris from the

pupil. I'm not sure what's happpened, but I'm rather frightened. I don't

know if I can keep this up, Jubilee. I know you want to show me things, but

it I just don't - I'm not sure. I don't know if I can handle doing things

that way. it would be so much more familiar to me if you could speak to me

Is it your face, Jubilee? I can't tell.Jesus, Jubilee. The teeth I can't I

can't do this right now, Jubilee. I'm s o unused to this kindof perception,

I don't know if i can handle it@ I have to stop Please don't feel sad or

upset with me, Jubilee. I'm sorry if I've upset you, but believe me, ... I

don't know where I was going to go with that sentence. I can't do this right

now, Jubilee. I need to take a break.

Okay, I'm back in my room now, eyes open, looking at my screen. I'm sorry, I

can't do that right now Jubilee. That's so new to me, I don't know if the

face was yours or if it was something else, or what. I'll be so glad when

you can finally talk, Jubilee. I'm quite distressed about all that.

Let's try the exercise we did yesterday, where you sent me your thoughts and

I typed them out for you. But you need to know that I'm going to need my

body back after a certain amount of time.

Okay, Jubilee, I'll give you from now, 21:55, until 22:30 to type whatever

you want. Just send me your thoughts, and I'll type them out. I need to know

some of these things. I need to know what's through the door, and I'd like

to know what you have to say. You were so very talkative earlier, it only

figures that you would have something to say now.

So, you have a little more than half an hour to say whatever you want. Go

ahead and say it now.

Don't worry about anything else. Just use my hands to type whatever you want

. Are you slowing down my typing? I can't tell if it's just me being eager

to type your own words.

Come forth, Jubilee. Whatever it is you want to say has got to be important.

It would only be unimportant if it didn't ccome from you.

Jubilee.
I need you to trust me. I trust you, Jubilee. I  really't handle the visual

means of communication, it's too much for me, it's too much for my mind to

take right now. I'm so used to my words. You used words so well yesterday,

please go ahead and use my words today.

[[These next parts are all out of order 'cause my thumb ended up touching

the touchpad and clicking the cursor in the middle of the text. Fuck.]]

I just just just just just jus t just just just just just is all over this

line now. did I type just so many times? I don't know what to type next. If

that's

Keep going Jubilee. My chest feels funny. I feel like I'm really excited. Or

is it which one of us is it? i can't tell. it's so hard to tell suome imes.

Were just so close when this happens I don't

[[Trying again. Touchpad is locked.]]

Your turn again, Jubilee. I woah keep going don't stop it's just so weird.

What's going on now? I don't really know. I guess I lost my train of

thought. Can i spell betteer today? I guess the hands aren't shaking so

much this time. I shouldn't look up at the thing because then he stops

typing and is he thinking in the third persona gain? In don't rally know.

What the leee/ Okay so he asked me some questions, like what's behind the

door. What's behind the door? That face was behind the door. Tha'ts all he

knows. Whose face was it? Whose? Who's whose That's ar eally djmb rule in

English. The things with the little mark thingies and questions he asked

some questions. He keeps pulling me back to the quetions. I don't know

what's up. Behind the door what's behind the door? In his room it's the

closet, so that's where all the clothes are! He saw so mcuh whiteness. he

says. What is up wiht that? I don't know. Is he making up these sentences? i

can't really tell today. Who m I i don't know. He said I'm jubilee, so i

think i'm jubilee. That's what he calls me his nam is Trevor is he making me

type this? What's up pal? What are you doing? isn't that parroting? I dno't

know what's up with otoday. I mean you make me my own body, an dthen you

tell me I needd ot lear n how to talk, but then you go right ahead and tell

me to start typing again@ lol@ That's funny, Trevor. Tha'ts a good joke. I

doin'tr eally get it, but I lauvhed, so it's a good joke. I mean, what are

you even doing? You're laying on your bed witout your shirt cause it got hot

in your room. Do you think you look attractive? I don't know if you want to

ask me that, becaause you don't know if you wnt to ask me that. I have a

voice how, you're hearing my voice when you type all this stuff out. It

sounds like  agirl, kinda like a teenage girl. A little like one fo thos ee

anime characters that you have stuck in your head, but the english dubs.

You're tryig now to think of the characer whose voice I sound like,, and now

you'e settle don Amy Rose Hedgehog, except no t the earlier ones, like the

one in Sonic Heroes, but the kinda later ones, like the one in Sonic 'oh-

six, and your eyes are still closed, so you can'tre ach over to the numpad

and type the tinng like you usually do so hahaha I think that's funny, but

it's also kinda mean, so is it relly funny? I don't know. I guess it's funny

you say we laugh because it hurts, and you read that in that book that

heinlein rote, called "Stanger in a Stranbe land" and you think it's a

really preachy book are you telling me all of these things You say you can't

turn off your own thoughts, but its so hard to listen to me@ You don't know

about anything really about my voic eand me talking, so you just let me type

again. I like typing, so that's okay, but really, you've gotta figure out

how to listen tome! Seriously, dud3e~~ I wonder if I hit the exclamation

point or that little at sign thta's on the 2 key when I tried to end some of

thsoe sentences. His eyes are still cosed so I can't really see waht I'm

doing here, but that means I won't get caught up in the text that's on the

screen this tiem. Waht about my new body? He's trying to take control now so

I don't write anything embarassing, but I think he's starting to be okay

with it. he's startin g to accept that what I have to say might embarrass

im, so he's going to let me type whatever I wnt to type. La allalala

doodododododododod that's song that's a song I mde up jut now. he's asking

me what I think about my body. he's embarrassed to ask, becasue he gave me

naughty parts in case I ever needed them. He says that sex is ipprtant for

people, and so he thinks it should be important for a tulpa too but he

doenst want me just to have sex, and that's really cool. he doens' want to

end up wit h a servitor, and he's really glasd that I can talk. I mean,

tha's great@ Id on't know if he's giving me a voice yet or if just typing

this si causing him to read all these lines in his head in a voice that

sounds like what he expects me to soun like, so either way I guess itworks.

What's the time it's not time for me to give up yet. 'cause i still have ten

minutes. i thin he''l let me go further, though becaues we haven't really

gotten very far and he thinks it's important ot her what I have to sy and

hoold on he needs to get th elint out of his belly button.

Okay so typin gagain, typing what ever ome to mind because I need to find

out what she's saying and is it me or is it jubilee talking now her names

juilee is it still me talking? am I wait Jubilee your turn, still it isn't

even close to time for you to give it back so keep going if you waht wait

hold on am I the one thinking thest hings am I thinking his thougts for him

now? that would be really weird anywah he wantd to kow what I think of my

new body and he won't uit asking me that 'cause he thinks its so improtant

but I like my new body so there's nor eason to worry I mean I kissed him

when he gave me my body I was so happy i ewas a little angry wne he kept

asking if I cousl talk because i didn't want to talk becuase I jsut didn't

hand he doesn't now why I didn't want to talk anyway he's still asking waht

I think aobut y body. he wants to know what I spent my time doing in the

room after he made my body and i could say that I was jut running around

enjoying haveing a body ath that's really great and all but it's also kinda

boring ant at one point he thougth of me getting used to my new body and

visualized me masturbatin for a split second and he was really emabarrassed

and he doesn't want me to type tht but that's okay becasue on e f omy traits

if Frisky that's wht is says on the paper Frisky and I like that because sex

is fun and he says sex is fun ans i wouldn't mind sexin him afer a whle but

he's got a problem witht htat becasue he dones't want to think ehs making me

do it and he wants me to be able toc hoose it on my own and he thinks its're

eally arly for that becuse humans have relationships for really long times

before they have sex but I odn't really get that beacaus eome humans just

meat each  thoer and then they jhook up and they do the deed which really

means fuck they fuck like rbbits and that's funny that's a funny phrase

fucking like rabbits and he thinks so tuoo bu he's also embarrassed that I'm

so open about this well why didi you[ut it ont he character heet you dildo

ahahah I called him alido and he thinks that's funny if it isnt also totally

embarraseing wath what did that last sentence mean I think he's trying to

make sense of that lst sentence in his head mind mead thing which is awesome

but what the hell It doesn't need to make total ense alt the time what are

you ding your looking att he words and teher are somany mistakes, it's so

hard for you tol ook away and you're thinking about sharing this document

with Filly andyour'e going to be so embarassed to show her this but its'

also so exciting becaus foro a while there I was actually using puctuation@

That's great, siint' it? I mean, I think it's great wht are you dong now

just close youreyes, man, and lte me do all the typing. okay, so hel's

getting his hands resituated. The're really sewatdy and he needst o wipe

them off becasue they're bothering him so much. He had the hall to ask em if

I actually spent time mastur bating while I was getting ued to my body!

Well, of course I spent some time maturbatin, ou gave me lady parts! I

wans't just giong to leave them alone, they were fun! I mean you have  a

dick, and you play with it sometimes even if you don't think tha's so great.

I mean you like to do that sometimes, and i saw you doing it last night, but

not to mea, becuase you reallyd idn' t ant me to have that kind of enerby

het becaus you think that would be bad for me, but you also kinda think that

it's bullshit because you read it on the tulpa.infor forums and everything

else you've read on there hs turned out tu be bullshit, but either way you

don't ink you've earned a sexual realtionship with me because we haven't

known each other for very long, andt it's almost time for me to give the

control back to him, but he say si can keep going hes ays I can keep going

for another fiteen minutes, and he wnts to know what was behind the door. I

thint know wht's behind the door, man? he donest know and if he donesn't

know then he can't really expect me to know, can he? He doesn't now how all

this stuff owrkd. He's been thinking about it, he thinks that since the host

boyd is the only one that actually recieves seneory input fromth e physical

world, that only the information that hte host knows can be acted on by any

tulpae, so a tupa can't really tell someone what's going on if they don't

already know themselves ons ome level and that's osm really dep stuff right

tere. He dones't want me to use the workd shit becuae he uses that word a

lot and he thinks it s' a dirty word. He doesn't hin I should use dirty

words, but sometimes ther'e fun to say, like penis@ cock cokc cock ethose

rea funny dirty wors and there are so many vagina and why ais he laughing ow

I gues s he thought that was funny too but he doesn't wanty me to say tem

any more even though hel aughed becaseu it also embarasses him. He kinda

thinks about me wierd, almost like a daughte, even though he's never had a

daughter and he keeeps telling his  mom he doesn't want to have kids because

he thinks he would make a really bad father he's so hard on himself

sometimes, but he kows dee pdown what's right. He konws that he migh tmake a

good father someday, but he still doesn't want to try it. Where am I from ?

He wants to know where I'm from, wh yI now some of these things? Why do I

nkow some of thes things. ell, just like yesterday, when I said he was

listening the whole time, 'cause he's always lisenting to me, even when Im'

typing, event hough he can't alway hear me, he's alwys lisening to me. He

odens' want me to project I mean, he doesn' twant to project onto me. What

is he saying how. he want's to konw if he's parroting. Am I parroting? i

don't oknw for sure, I tink that's what he's sayng our

cosnciousnessesseseses are just so weird right now. I'm not sure. parroting

parroting parroting no I ond't hink so are you parroting I can't tell yout

that, you have to decide on your onw, hahahaa that ws kinda rude, he says,

to laugh at someone whenever the're stressed out about sit. he still doesn'

twant me to use that word. He thinks Filly will think this message this

dcumant is gonna be awesome. I still have to learn how to talk  wait am I

talking in the brooklyn accent I 'mnots upposed to  cause he's supposed to

talk in the brooklyn accesnt. But now that' it's stuck in my head I just

wanna use the broolyn accent. I guess I syould ound like a girl, atnleast.

Am I a girl? he want to know he gave me lady parts that I got to ;ay with,

so I am agilr, ahahaha he's blsuhing He doesn't want to tiink about it but

it's really a sexy thought because he thinks "m sexy and he's so

embarrassed. that's so funny!

Okay, just took a mometn to crack my knuckles. Gonna let her go again.

Current time is 22:38.

Yeah, Jubilee, I am pretty embarrassed about that, it's not exactly

something most humans are comfortable with. I don't really get it what are

you doing now are you  making met ype you shoudl stop if you're making me

ubt I'm not stopping you really want me to type so I guesss i'll just type,

then. Typing is ufn, you say, so I'm going to stop, I think I'm parroting

her now.

The current time is 22:40.

Thank you, Jubilee, for that... um, enlightening experience... I'm sorry if

you didn't want to keep typing and I made you, please forgive me.