Can I say some stuff I haven't told anyone?
I need to get shit off my back.
When I came here, I had been left by my ex and the only reason I came here was because I couldn't be alone, because If I'm alone I do stupid shit and go ballistic, and I had lost all my friends and became insensitive and a bit of an alcoholic because not even this server kept me sane.
I fell asleep in 4chan calls every night with people I didn't know, and I was a bitch, I just attacked to make myself feel better. Then this dude I had no idea who he was joined with his friend. I guess I just hung out with them because I was being attacked by some asian faggot. I guess he saved me from what I was doing to myself.
I will skip the details and just say we started to date. I was being used as a rebound from the start and I was using him as a rebound from the start as well, I thought I was using him as a rebound the entire time, but I guess I am a retard. Everything was fine but it came to that we fought all the time, he tried to resolve and fix things but he did it in the worst way possible, and what made it harder was that he couldn't hear it, God I don't know why.
I cried in places I never wanted to cry, school bathroom stalls, floors, just so many floors for some reason, and I soon became on sensory overload and became more irrational because of the fighting. I didn't want to talk to anyone from it and I left chats multiple times from it, and just distanced myself from everyone, even my bestest friend of 6 years. This didn't help, I was just on this defensive mode all the time because of how much we fought. I wasn't doing things he did, and I didn't mean to, I just have a terrible ass memory and forget what he wants me to do. But I say sorry and shit.
I blocked and left him multiple times, and I thought I could leave him for good, but God damn it, I kept going back and every night I asked myself why every time. I got drunk so much at one point that I was gonna go back to my ex that fucked me over so hard because I left him or he left me, I don't remember.
I didn't want to go to my ex, I still didn't want to today, but I needed to so I wouldn't be alone, because I can't be alone.
And sleeping in 4chan calls didn't make me feel better, it just made things worse because I felt so pathetic for how desperate I was for human contact. I don't have a whole lot of friends at the time because I had pushed them away. I stopped changing myself because I began to hate myself, and told him to leave me multiple times for someone else.
But he kept trying with me, I don't know why I am not that good, I am okay looking and my personality is about the same as any e-girl here. But he did, and I was thankful. But the fights didn't stop, and I began to start them, I was defensive and on sensory overload all the time, so anything pissed me off.
I don't know why just so many fights fucked with my brain and it just got worse and worse. I should've told him but I denied it was affecting me, because he told me he didn't mind us fighting and I didn't want to seem weak.. Or pathetic.
I was paranoid too, all the time, because once my ex fucked me over I just got absolutely shit scared when he went to talk to other girls, absolutely piss scared, so scared that, that was all that was on my mind. And to forget or try to stop thinking about it, I would go away from him to talk to other people, I didn't want to be controlling and make him not hang out with his friends.
We got into fights on every special event for me, and I don't know why or remember, but it made it to a point where I just was on defensive mode constantly, especially when he wanted to tell me things that bothered him. I just got mad, and I shouldn't have, but I didn't stop myself, I wasn't right in mind.
Flash forward to my recent trip to Oregon, we got into a fight about something stupid I do not remember. We made up, and he said something to me that just made my stomach drop and my heart race, and I don't know why it affected me so much, but he never fought with someone so much before ever. I felt myself to be toxic and my self esteem which was already extremely low just broke.
I broke, it made me freak out, I told him to leave me multiple times and pushed him away, because to me I wasn't worth his time and saw him as foolish for even giving him my time. I did this for days and I shouldn't have.
I don't like to talk trash about him. But as I went through this he just talked about himself and I had no one else to talk about this. Guilt tripped me (to me he did) and other shit. I just got worse until I drank a ton almost everyday. He something to a girl and it made me lose my absolute shit because that was my biggest fear, the fear that fucked me in the first place. So to get back at him, because my mentality is eye for an eye.
I brought his worst fear out, and I shouldn't have, because he was still someone I loved and cared for and I just crushed him, even worse than I did to him.
He fired back, and he took the cake on this one, I won't go into detail on what he said, but he fucked my heart up with that one, and I was an inch away from leaving him and going to use someone who fucked me over so I wouldn't be alone because of how bad it was.
We made up after it though, because even though it was bad I stuck by his side.
I got home from my trip, and I had spent my entire trip with him, and I spent most of my time with him. All of it almost all the time. I wanted to hang out with my friends and I don't know what happened, but he got pissed and said I was treating him second best.
I said fuck you to him and just sat there, looking at the chats. I realized all we would do is fight, from the time we met, to the time we got married and then have kids, and by the long run we would've ruined our adult lives. I didn't want that. I blocked him, I should've told him I left him but I didn't because I was so angry and irrational, and I had to make a damn kid do it.
I went to the 4chan call so I wouldn't be alone, but all the calls were filled with annoying ass people so I just stayed in one alone so just a few people would join and we could just talk.
He joined and asked if we could talk about things, and I said no it was over and for him to fuck off I believe? I told him I unblocked all my friends, he made me block a lot of people who were flirting with me and shit, but I think some were just joking around.
He asked if I unblocked a guy and I said yes.(edited)
he lost his shit and left.
I told some people that I was gonna go to him to seem like I moved on, because I thought damn that will make me look tough and shit and that I hated that relationship.
But I didn't love this guy. I saw him as a best friend, or a close friend, and that was it, but to him it was me leaving him for the guy.
I realized this late and felt guilty, because I knew how he felt, because I had went through the same thing he did, I tried to tell him the truth but he wouldn't listen and kept blocking me. My determination and guilt got the best of me, also alcohol and I kept making alts and shit to call him. I didn't want him to take me back, but I just wanted him to know the real shit.
I gave up, he didn't want to hear it so I just sent him the messages. Thats when I got messages from my ex saying he missed me and shit.  I couldn't be alone, I had no one, so I went to him, and made sure to seem like I moved on.
I guess my now BF tagged my ex when he shouldn't got made him pissed, that's when I found out he had videos of personal things. He shouldn't of had them in the first place, he filmed things he shouldn't have but he did without me knowing.  He threatened me with them.
I made his friends stop him because he had gone too far, but I don't blame him, I did the same shit when I was that hurt and fucked.
-{🇺🇸}- Sad Dog -{🇺🇸}- - Last Wednesday at 9:01 AM
I know that was my fault. I know I shouldn't have tried to make him think I replaced him.
But then he made his friends choose because I guess he thought I was trying to manipulate them? When in actuality I cared and loved them too and thought they were my friends as well, I wasn't able to be there for them because I had mostly isolated myself from almost everyone.
So they blocked me. I was alone with someone I don't even want to be with.
That's when the feelings started to come in, this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of utter shit. I thought I wasn't over the ex that fucked me over. But I was, and I figured that out too late. All I began to think about was him, and how he was so much better than who I was with now.
I tried to stop those feelings, I tried to think that the person I am with right now is better and is an upgrade. But he isn't. I tried to make myself feel like I replaced him with ease, but I didn't. I couldn't replace the man I was with before because he was something unique, and something I had never seen before.
That's when I began to think about him all the time, and weirdly enough have nightmares about him. I was able to force myself to not listen to the song we heard. But that didn't stop me from looking at all of our history together in our chats and seeing his face again in the pictures he sent. I tried to stop myself but I couldn't.
I realized that the man had taken my heart faster than the person I am with did. I am now madly in love with him and can't stop thinking about him but I can't say anything because I made it seemed like the months we were together were absolute hell.
Even though the fighting fucked me over I loved being with him every single day, talking to him and about our plans and him meeting me and my parents. I still think about it now. But I have to keep telling myself that it's over and that I need to fix myself and change myself for the better, and maybe I will find someone I love again.
But I feel like I can't. I keep thinking about this man I only dated a few months and how I fell head over heels for him. I didn't realize this until I left him, over how madly in love I am in with him, and how I don't want to be with the person I am with now. But be with him again, and to hear him talk to me again.
I stopped doing things. I stopped eating, I barely can eat anymore and it worries my family. My room is a mess, my hair is greasy, and I am starting to fail all my college classes. I just lay in bed and try to not be around the person I am with now, or be around him with other people. I've started to drink again, and I am considering drugs next maybe because it's driving me insane. All I can do now is change for the better, and make myself better but it's hard as hell. Thank you for listening,(edited)
I have had this pent up for days now.