Bucher's Final Confession

12758 May 11th, 2013 912 Never
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  1. In 1968 the USS Pueblo on a spy mission in international waters was captured by North Korea and the crew taken hostage. They were tortured and made to 'confess' their crimes. However having no one with good enough English they were made to write them themselves - these were checked by the Koreans but they lacked sufficient knowledge of US culture and the confessions were littered with absurd references. The following is a transcription of the confession as far as I have been able to determine it from the following audio.
  5. Cdr. Bucher's confession:
  7. A confession; of which to be proud
  9. This is the "confession" that Cmdr. Lloyd Bucher gave to the North Koreans in hopes of sparing the lives of his USS Pueblo crew.
  11. "A full confession, in anticipation of leniency for my crew and myself, for the heinous crimes perpetrated by ourselves while conducting horrible outrages against the Democratic People's Republic of Korea for the purpose of provocating and annoying those stalwarts of peace-loving humanity. The absolute truth of this bowel-wrenching confession is attested to by my fervent desire to paean[1] the Korean People's Army, Navy, and their government and to beseech the Korean people to forgive our dastardly deeds, unmatched since Attila. I therefore swear the following account to be true on the sacred honour of the Great Speckled Bird[2].
  13. USS Pueblo was prepared with unmitigated acidity and rank boldness, to be a clever diabolical scheme to strike terror into the palpitating breast of the Peoples of the DPRK. Only the finest ship possible was selected to carry its super-spy trained crew. Upon reporting to the Pueblo for duty, I found I was to be the first indoctrinated by that most notorious super-spy within the seething inward innards of the Navy, - I was to be trained by none other than Commander Buz Sawyer[3]. He immediately commenced a rigorous training programme, which was designed to teach me the finer points of provocation and nastiness.  Each day I grew with my capabilities. I thought, if only I can match Commander Sawyer's capabilities, I will be a master of naughty and nefarious espionage, with special emphasis on provocation. My heart beat furiously when he gave me a passing grade in provocating and in the otherwise awful and known tactics of super-spies.
  15. I rounded up a crew of men who were of the most mean countenance and disposition. Particularly did I pay attention to gathering about me men with protruding and auspicious proboscides. I had learnt from commander Sawyer that Koreans were particularly incensed by big American noses. My ship in the meanwhile hours prepared for this clandestine crews', all craven kelptomaniacal mission  with only the thoroughness that can be associated with the wretched mind that had conceived this demon of the sea.  The Pueblo was quickly made into the most modern up to date ship in the  entire 12,397 ships that were then in commission with our navy at that time.  But to disguise the ultimate design much of the new hull and machinery was replaced with ancient 20-25 year old parts. I considered this a stroke of pure genius on the part of Buz Sawyer, the diabolical mind behind the scene.  
  17. Following rigorous training in provocation and intrusion, wherein each of my officers had to meet the overly high standards I had set for them, we emerged from the bowels of San Diego harbour bent on setting records for the highest yardage gained in intrusions ever set in a standard patrol. Our first stop was Hawaii where I visited the kingpin of all provocateurs, including spies; none other than Fleet General Barney Google[4]. He was all I had been told, sly, cunning, closed-mouthed, bulbous-nosed, smelling of musty top secrets codes and some foul-smelling medicine that kept him going 20 hours a day in pursuit of the perfect spy mission. He talked haltingly with me but persuasively about our forthcoming mission. "By God, Bucher, I want you to get in there and be elusive, spy them out, spy out their water, look sharp for signs of electronic saline water traps. You will be going to spy out the DPRK. By the sainted General Bullmoose[5] we must learn why they are so far advanced in the art of people's defence. Provocate, my boy, show them we are strong and by all means and true to your office. Try for 7 or 8 times a day but do so only when they wont see you." I was ecstatic. My order at last, from our only Fleet General Barney Google. His entire existence was a secret even from the army and navy, and that explains his title. I never did get a good look at his gnarled features which could generally and loosely be described as being beady eyed, thin lipped, no chin, sparse red and white hair with a great bullish nose that pulsated rhythmically when he breathed.  He continued "You will be contacted in Japan by our man for  man for Korea, you will know him by his many clever disguises. He is Sol Loxfinger[6]. Sol is transferred to our Korean intelligence section because he is our best and we consider the DPRK the most important conflict in the world with the possible exception of one or two counties in New Mexico which are surreptitiously trying to overthrow the local officials and cede them from Micronesia. There seems to have been a large influx of Micronesian oriented nationals there but we are confident of smoking them out". Then he said something that sent chills down my spine: "If you fail me, you will have to answer to Don Ho[9]." "Zounds," I thought, "and not beyond the reef[7]. " I pointed out that I was born free[8] but he insisted that in failing I could expect the tiny bubble[9] treatment. In addition he mentioned that Joe Foss[10] the 'porwinzink'(?) was another agent with whom I could expect to deal if I failed. My mind was made up, I would set a navy record for intrusion. Each day we found new and hopefully untried adjustments to our provocation and intrusion capability. Day by day I grew more determined. Then I was satisfied to observe our determined efforts put forth by officers and enlisted men. I did not tell my men where we were bound, so great was the degrading influence of Fleet General Barney Google.
  19. Then one day, just before we sailed, my Research Officer came to me and said, "Captain, we are to meet a mysterious man tonight at a secret hideout in town, a car will call for us." We were picked up at about 9 p.m. in a very black sedan made jointly from a Toyota, a Buick, a Saab, a Renault, a VW and an Austin - the cleverest undercover car I had ever seen. We literally plunked through the streets of Yokosuka into the countryside, where another feature of this curious machine was evident. Rotating blades sprang from the roof and we ascended for about a 20-minute flight into the Japanese Alps. There we emerged and our ID was checked by an electronic robot who passed us on into a gunnysack hovel, where a man in a dark grey topcoat and collar shielding his face bade us "be seated." A black snap brimmed hat was pulled down covering his eye. "Good evening, I am Sol Loxfinger." I quickly assessed that he was superbly disguised. I knew that he was over 6 feet and weighed about 250 pounds, but the fiend who confronted us was barely 5 feet and perhaps 120 pounds. What evil mastery of deceit? I was glad I was on his side! Lieutenant Harris and I awaited with anxious perplexity while Sol Loxfinger eyed us from beneath the disguise.  "I have carefully chosen places where you will have the best chance of intruding and provocating." He then withdrew a tiny map that he deftly placed in his green tea. It simmered awhile and then began to enlarge until it was fully 3 feet square. Almost miraculously (or so it appeared) green dots appeared along the coastline of the DPRK  on the chart. "There," he said, "and there and there," pointing out numerous places that he recommended for intruding and provocating. "You'd better be extremely careful while attempting those conquests because of the known terrible capability of Korean peoples army navy." Then in an instant he was gone. We did not dare follow him. But rather we went immediately back to the machine and strapped ourselves in for the flight back to Yokosuka.
  21. On 5 Jan 1968 we slipped secretly out of our home port  during lunch hour on the base, knowing that the gluttonous ways of our compatriots ashore (?) would prevent them from knowing of our departure. On 9 Jan we put into the Japanese port of Sasabo to refuel and pick up extra spying materials for the apogean  and perigeal  alarm system within the matrix space. Just before leaving Yokosuka the local operational chief of spy ships rear admiral Frank L Johnson[11] came aboard the ship and provided me with further secret material that handsomely increased our potential for putting goodies into our spy bag. A special set of charts and formulae were given me to learn before swallowing from which I could compute various satellite trajectories and orbital paths. A special set of binoculars was also provided with which to look into the apogeal and perigeal alarm system. I had now studied the formulae for a week and had only committed half of its 4 line length to my swollen memory - I had to hurry.
  23. When we had got to Sasabo I had gone below to my cabin; Lieutenant Harris came to me visibly shaken. 'Captain Sol Loxfinger is outside on the pier riding a velocipede he wants you to come with him for important information right away'. I put on my mufti and quickly followed Mr Harris outside where Loxfinger was growing impatient. 'We must not upset this highly trained specialist' I said half aloud to him.  Without further words we climbed aboard the velocipede. His skill at driving this difficult machine baffled me, but we quickly switched to a base taxi then later to a town taxi which sped up a nearby hill of great precariousness. I could tell Mr Harris was jumpy by the increasing number of welts on his forehead through hitting the top of the taxi. Loxfinger then explained to me, we were going to a certain place for a short time. When we got there lo and behold Buz Sawyer had  been there also for a short time. The four of us quickly gathered and Loxfinger quickly pointed out  numerous new places along the coast of the DPRK that were worth investigating for intrusion as a minimum and hopefully for provocation as well. 'Go get them, but be careful', he intoned as he sped away leaving us to deal with Buz Sawyer. We both promised to do our best and took the oath of office for this particular run. Sawyer was soon gone as well and Mr Harris and I walked back to the nearest town and caught a train back to Sasabo.
  25. On 11 Jan I got Pueblo under way and literally flew up the coast of South Korea while avoiding the Soviet units known to be operating in the Tsushima Strait. Soon our high state of readiness began to pay off.  We entered into our assigned operating areas along the Eastern Korean Sea at latitude 39N and boldly steamed in a northern direction to the farthest point we could. In so doing we had traversed Operation Areas Mars, Venus and Pluto so named because like the planets, the DPRK is really far out. We knew that the lackeys of the Bowery Street Billionaires[12] would never be satiated until we had found out all there was to know about the huge successes that the noble peace-loving peoples of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea had made in the recent past. Surely we had to find out how come such a newly created government could lead its peoples so quickly into the No. 1 position. As we went about detecting this valuable information, particularly the oceanic salinity, density, ionic dispersion rate, humpback whale count, both low and high level protoplasmic unicellular uglena and plankton count. This information was of the highest value to our scientists for the development of the war mongering at sea when no one was looking. Our main targets for detection were the vast Naval complexes of Chongjin, Songjin, Mayang-do and Wonsan. But Korean peoples army navy never gave us a real chance to steal out highly evolved secrets. As I slid my way south along the territorial water line of the DPRK I paid great attention to intruding and provocating whenever I could and where ever I was not likely to be found out. The charts provided by Sol Loxfinger were invaluable in conducting these outrages which had never in the history of the world been surpassed. I core [?] with glee each time my successes were more extravagant and decidedly more atrocious than any that Hitler ever had in his wildest dreams gotten away with. One night I rushed onto the bridge and shouted for all to hear it, these orders directed at the Lieutenant J G Harris who was officer of the deck 'Alright Mr increase your speed to emergency fast'. I knew we would then be bowling along through the water at a fantastic speed of almost 13 knots - unheard of in any other high priority ship such as Pueblo. Which minions of poorer nationalists in the bowels of clandestine North Dakota - home and training ground for all top super-spys - had ever allowed any other officer in the navy to command? I was truly proud of my accomplishment, that our ship reached the apex of an emergency fast speed and was truly flying along. I ordered 'alright now Mr, intrude and provocate, and be quick about it'. It was almost 03:00 as the ship darted across the territorial water line we chanced in to about 10 miles from land before I ordered the ship brought about and turned eastward again. Everyone on the ship was sweating under the terrific strain. All in all I had managed to penetrate 17 times into territorial waters, but my score in provocating was rather poorer only 13.5 times using the provocation scoring system that Buz Sawyer had provided me. But I knew I was setting records each day and that kept us busy.
  27. On Jan 16 in the vicinity of Mayorang-dan (?) my officer of the deck called me with urgent ringing on my telephone when I picked it up I heard him say sadly 'captain there is a strange piece of water just 300 yards inside the territorial water line'. I grabbed my secret charts and dashed to the bridge. Quickly checking our position I noticed we were several miles from the next recommended penetration point but I looked longingly at the strange piece of water and ordered oceanographer Tuck to bring three cups from the galley, which he quickly did - then steeling myself at the bottom. Second, a bold idea! I order an emergency full ahead and tore into the water itself. Tuck filled his 3 coffee cups with the fresh stretch of liquid. He quickly put the entire contents into hermetically sealed strange water sample bottles, while I raced madly out to the protection of international waters. Wait until I return and told my superiors that I had intruded in broad daylight to a distance of 200 yards inside their territorial waters. That was a record unlikely to be broken for many years to come and I grew bolder with each passing day until like a mad man on 23 Jan I recklessly boldened to the closest point yet. Just 7.6 miles from Yo-do Island, however I had gone too far and the all important Korean Peoples Army Navy quickly surrounded me and my gang of nefarious schemers. I quickly brought my main battery top bear thinking to my self to free myself with superior fire power, and opened up firing wildly. But we were soon overcome with the tremendous bravery of the ships of the Korean peoples army navy. I quickly destroyed my secret charts and binoculars and sought to destroy all evidence of our atrocities. We had been caught red handed and first we vainly tried to deny our outrages but were soon overwhelmed  with  damning evidence contrary to our sadistic lies.
  29. Now we have come to realize just how great our crimes were and we seek the leniency of the Korean people even though we are criminals of the basest variety and deserve only swift punishment from the just Korean law. Further, we know that our crimes are greater than those of any criminals discovered this century; nevertheless we ask forgiveness and promise never to engage in such naughty acts ever again if we are forgiven. We know that our crime is merely a reflection of the dastardly policies of the Bowery Street Billionaires and we can only hope that they will realize their own responsibilities for our actions; because who else could have dreamed up such a heinous  foul playing ship as Pueblo and then searched out enough arch criminals such as we to operate it. Yea, we feel it is time indeed for those really responsible for us to step forward accept their roles  and to Admit, Apologize and give Assurances that they will never again prepare another spy bag to be filled with goodies.
  32. In summation, we who have been rotating upon the fickle finger of fate[13] for such long languid months give our word to the Great Speckled Bird that we will heretofore in all sincerity cleans ourselves of rottenness and vituperations. We solemnly await our return to our loved ones so that the fickle finger can be replaced by the rosy fingers of dawn and salvation. So help me, Hannah[15] . Cmdr.L.P. Bucher.
  34. [1]Paean - to praise, pronounced pee-on
  35. [2]The Great Speckled Bird - A song by Johnny Cash referring to the American Eagle (and an allegorical reference to Christ).
  36. [3]Buz Sawyer - a comic book character of the time.
  39. [4]Barney Google - a cartoon character created in 1919.
  40. "Barney Google (with the Goo-Goo-Googly Eyes)"
  43. [5]General Bullmoose - a cartoon character created by Al Capp in June 1953 as the epitome of a ruthless capitalist.
  46. [6]Loxfinger - a 1965 parody of James Bond by Sol Weinstein.
  49. [7]Beyond the Reef - a song covered by Elvis among others.
  52. [8]Born Free - Oscar-winning title song by Andy Williams from the 1966 film.
  55. [9]Tiny Bubbles - a song covered by Don Ho in 1966.
  58. [10]Joe Foss - hosted ABC television's 'The American Sportsman' from 1964 to 1967.
  61. [11]Rear Admiral Frank L Johnson - a genuine Rear Admiral.
  63. [12]Bowery Street - prior to its recent gentrification Bowery Street was New York City's 'Skid Row'.
  65. [13]The Fickle Finger Of Fate -  a 1967 comedy film.
  67. [14]Rosy fingers of dawn - a reference to Homer's Odyssey.
  69. [15]So Help Me Hannah - the name of an emollient cream for poison oak, poison ivy, and minor skin irritations.
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