I feel alone. I've felt this way for a long time. Growing up, I was a happy child, carefree. I acted like a normal kid. As I got older though, things started to change. I saw how the world was. My friends grew apart from me. I transfered schools. I made friends there, but outside of 2 of them, I never really felt connected to them. I made friends online, and at the start, they were the nicest people I could ask for. One of them even saved me from the darkness of depression, and now even she is gone.

Now, though, things are different. I feel completely alone. My mother is a gigantic bitch, who belittles and berates me any chance she gets. She's done this for years, and it's just taken it's toll on my self-esteem. My "friends" have not been here for me for years. I help them whenever they need it, but when I come to them for help, I'm lucky to even get a "That sucks". This led to me becoming more and more sheltered, to the point now I'm socially awkward as all hell. I feel like I annoy everyone. I'm sure this pastebin will even annoy some people.

I'm in massive debt, but that's my own fault. I can't find a job, because I gave it up to come back and help out my mother in her time of need, while she continues to belittle me. I blew money in an attempt to make myself happy, and it didn't work. I haven't been truly happy in a long time, probably around 4 years or so. It pains me to admit this, and I feel so pathetic saying it, but I haven't been truly happy since I was with my ex. I did everything for her. I paid to visit her twice, putting myself further in debt. I bought her things. The days I was with her were grand, and I was at my happiest the two times I visited her in person. I ignored her faults. I ignored her mistreatment of me. My friends told me to bail, but I didn't, and I was belittled. Only one friend stood by me, and years later, even he says I was at my happiest with her. Now, we don't even talk. She led me on for this entire year. Told me just two months ago she still liked me and felt we would get back together. That was, of course, during the time she was trying to get over another guy she liked, who she didn't think liked her back. I comforted her though. It tore my heart out to, because after all these years I still love(d) her, but I did it to make her happy. In the end, she led me on and used me for attention, just like the others. The moment she found out he liked her, she stopped talking to me. I even later found out she told two of my friends I raped her, because she regretted losing her virginity to me when she did. If I raped you, why invite me back three more times, the last two of which because you wanted more sex? But now you don't talk to me, you dropped me for no reason, and you even took one of my best friends with you. After everything I did for you. This just adds to why I feel useless.

I'm not going anywhere in life, but this is partially my own fault. I'm nothing to no one. I have a crush right now, and I know she views me only as a friend, and she's one of my closest friends, but lately we've barely talked, and this hurts. I just.. I don't know why I feel like this, or why I care so much, or any of it. I don't know why I'm writing this, I guess just to vent and let out all my thoughts. I feel pathetic for even writing this. I feel pathetic for even posting this, but I might as well, so it wouldn't be a complete waste of time. I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm sorry if anyone actually read this.